dancerchick06
I guess everyone starts to doubt it right?
Apr 18, 2014
I hate to say this but I guess I have some apprehensiveness about surgery now. I know, I know, call me what you want but it's just the heebie jeebies. I did feel better coming on to this site to read and write. I hate to say but it's becoming sort of a crutch because no one understands my "fat days"; where I feel miserable and just want something to look cute but all I can think is, "Oh my gosh look how big I look". I think it hit me more the other day when I found out my scale was not giving me the right number. It was showing 269 and staying around there and the doctor's scale showed 7 pounds more. It was a hit that my psychie couldn't take. It seems like it's the only thing on my mind lately; but now instead of thinking "what am I going to do with all this, I am so huge" talk it has turned more to, "I am going to see a surgeon and he/she is going to help me get to where I want to be".
I never thought I would get to that point of being able to say that. I feel like I am going to be fat forever and that is just who I am. I am that girl that never gets hit on, that feels nervous naked in front of her husband, loves swimming but can't stand myself in a bathing suit. I know, this is a lot of hate talk but there is an upside. Now what seems to cloud my mind is, this time next year, I could lose a whole person. I could look back at my size 24 jeans and say "wow, how did I ever fill those". My mom and sisters and brother won't talk about how big I am behind my back, they won't get me inconspicuous work out gifts like a shake weight or wraps. I say thank you but in reality, it kills me every time I hear a comment or get those kinds of gifts. My sister got me a shake weight before my wedding when I was feeling good that I lost 15 pounds. "You could tone up those arms since everyone will see them at the wedding" was her reasoning behind it.
There are so many reasons why I want to be healthy and fit again. This is the tip of the iceberg that is my thoughts and reasoning. One day, no...someday soon will be my time.
One a completely different note, I was reading some blogs about how this woman didn't want anyone to know she had WLS. I know how she feels, I don't want anyone to know; but you can't keep them from asking "how did you do it?" Is that the dreaded question people face after taking this journey?
I ventured out and told my sister about my plans; she has PCOS like me and faces the same problems. Her first doctor approved her to see someone for RNY and her second doctor said she didn't need to do that. She said to me, "That is really dangerous, can't you just try insanity. It really works for me." I tried P90X and I did it for a month and a half and couldn't get through it. I felt pains (not the good muscle kind), I felt so tired that I couldn't get through any and it made me feel worse than I already did. I know there is a stigma and I understand why some people may feel that way but, why should my decision make you think so much less of me. I don't want to have a heart attack when I am 35, nor do I want to be in this condition for the next 20 years. Hell, I don't want to be in this condition for another 2. I want to live a life, not just watch it happen. My sister left this world because of cancer and she didn't get to live a full life. She barely got to live at all....I need to be able to do this...for me....and for her.
S
