DeannaL
2005
Sep 22, 2009
1/10/05: I am still waiting for my surgery date. I have contacted UCLA but have not had a return call. I know I'll get my surgery date eventually, but I had hoped to have it by now. I have decided to post some information that has helped me, so if there are any other pre-ops reading my profile, maybe this will help them too. First off I want to start by commenting about this OH website. I am pre-op and I know I would not be on track as I am if it weren't for the amount of support I find here. It is totally amazing to me. Usually I am shy and feel insecure and here I feel like I am accepted for me, surrounded by people who get what I feel, and where I am going, and what struggles I have to overcome to get there. I was so scared and confused and just didn't know where to start or what to do, before I found this board. Now I feel like I have a path to follow, I know what to do, and where to turn for help when I have problems. I agree with the "Pay it forward" motto, so I too, hope to be of help to someone some day.
Ok, I have lost 16 pounds since 11/22/04. I have been drinking 1-3 protein shakes a day, eating a protein bar for lunch, and a sensible dinner. My favorite protein bar is the Power Crunch Bars, I order them from www.smarthealthstore.com They are very yummy and have 185 calories so I eat them as lunch with a big bottle of water, or sometimes as a late afternoon snack to tide me over until dinner. I went to the Vitamin Shoppe store and bought several different protein bars, and I compared labels, etc…. I just looked for the higher protein, lower carbs, lower fat bars. It seems like if you get low carb then it is higher fat, etc…Here is some information I have found:
For the pre made protein drinks, I think I like the Myoplex ones the best. I bought them at the Vitamin Shoppe. They have a website too, www.vitaminshoppe.com For the protein bars, they are all pretty good to me. The ones I have been eating the most, are the Myoplex Carb Sense Bars. They are pretty dense so if I eat them slowly and cut them into bit size pieces, and drink a lot of water with it, it will fill me up. I also use some of the Protein Powder to make shakes at home. I bought some shaker cups at Bed Bath & Beyond and use those to bring to work. When I am at home, I use my smoothie maker to make a big frothy shake that is about 30 ounces or so. I use non fat milk, bananas, ice, splenda and protein powder. I mostly use the Designer Whey Chocolate flavor powder. Again I bought it at the Vitamin Shoppe. I searched around at GNC, Sav On, Rite Aid, etc… and I like the variety at the Vitamin Shoppe best. Walking in the door was very overwhelming because it is just floor to ceiling of stuff. But the staff is very helpful, and then I just took my time, read the labels and bought a few things at a time. I also ordered a whole bunch of samples from www.valleynutrition.com. They charge $1.50 per sample with no shipping charges. I started using the samples but then decided to save those for after surgery. As Monica was saying, our tastes change after surgery, so I don’t want to buy big packages of stuff that I won’t like later. There is one very popular protein powder that I have heard a lot about, it is Unjury unflavored. You can add it to anything. Soup, coffee, juice, pudding, etc…. and it makes it into a full protien meal. I figured I’d wait for after surgery on that too. I have been copying recipes from the California Board everytime I see one that looks interesting and I just put it in my book. The other website that it interesting to me is www.bariatriceating.com
The other thing I have found is that I need support. I enjoy it, and I NEED it. I found a great support group and have gone 3 times now, and I really enjoy the meetings. My goal for 2005 is to try and make some of the other get togethers that are posted on the boards. So far, no luck, but I will definitely try.
1/28/05: I still have not heard from UCLA. I have left 4 messages. Oh well. I will start my education classes next week and hopefully will get my surgery date within a few weeks from them.
1/31/05: I have my first Angelette. Her name is Evelyn Tolliver and she is having her surgery tomorrow. I am so excited for her. I know she is nervous and worried for her children's sake, but I know she'll make it trhough with shining colors.
2/3/05: Well I had my first education class at UCLA on Tuesday. It was interesting and informative. I found out that my new pouch will be 1 ounce and the opening going into it will be 8mm. That is so small. I really think these education classes are wonderful. I weighed myself today and I am down another 2 pounds, so now it is 19 pounds lost. I have been exercising more and I hope to lose another 5 pounds prior to surgery. I want to go to my PCP next week and have them re-weigh me and fax my weight to UCLA. Hopefully then I will get "THE CALL" with my surgery date.
2/7/05: I have a new Angelette! Her name is Ericka Mejia. Her surgery is 2/14/05 at Cedar Sinai Hosptial in
2/8/05: I have been sick for a couple of days and generally feeling like crap. Well this morning I got on the scale and I am down 3 more pounds, so now I am at 300!! That is 22 pounds gone. I only needed to lose 16 so I think that I have a safe cushion now in case my scale is different from their scale. I am so happy!
2/11/05: I have been very ill this week, and went to my PCP today. I have pneumonia! I am hoping it won't affect my surgery date. I don't have my actual date yet but it should be around mid-March. I need a clear chest xray and I don't know if my xray will be clear by then. I got weighed in and I am down to 295. That is 27 pounds gone. Wow.
2/12/05: I HAVE A DATE!!! My letter came today and my surgery date is MARCH 15, 2005. I am happy, and scared, and nervous. My daughter Amanda's birthday is on March 16th, so that makes me sad to miss her birthday.
2/25/05: Well I finished my education classes at UCLA. I had my final appointment with my PCP yesterday to see if my pnuemonia had cleared up enough to go ahead with surgery, and it has not. I got the bad news that my surgery will have to be delayed. I called UCLA and they said not to call back until I am cleared by my PCP and they cancelled all my pre-op appointments. I am very disappointed. I know in my head that I need to be healthy and 100% ready physically for the surgery, it just really sucks emotionally. So now I just need to keep on my medications and hope that this clears up. I have another appointment with my PCP scheduled for 3/3/05. They have me on a very aggressive course of treatment, so hopefully it will work.
3/3/05: I met with my PCP today and it is not good news. I STILL HAVE PNEUMONIA!!!!! My blood oxygen level is up a little, but only to 91, so still not good enough. I need to continue with my medications and breathing treatments and she wants to see me back in 3 weeks. That will be 9 days after my original surgery date. I am very upset about this. I also have to more testing for the H-pylori bacteria. I might have it, they are not sure. More fun, more tests. Yipee. I am trying not to get discouraged, and trying not to eat. Boy this is discouraging.
3/14/05: Well tomorrow was my scheduled surgery date. The funny thing is I am not even sad today. I guess I have accepted it and I am just dealing with getting better. I am still coughing but not as bad, so I have no clue what the doctors will say. I go on 3/24/05 to get a new x-ray and then meet with my PCP to see if the pneumonia is cleared up. I also should hear today about the H-pylori test. We had my daughter's 5th Birthday party on Saturday at Chuck E Cheese and it was a lot of fun. I cannot believe my baby is growing up so fast.
3/18/05: I have come down with a bad cold, on top of the pneumonia. I have no voice, I feel like crap. The doctor has put me on another round of antibiotics. It has been 6 weeks that I have had pneumonia and I am feeling very depressed about it now. I just wonder when it will end. I am going to work less hours and try and rest more, to see if that will help. I have an appointment on 3/24 which was hopefully going to be my "all clear" appointment, but now it is going to be a check up to see what else we can do to treat this. I feel like I won't be having my surgery for months. I want to get over this, not only for my surgery, but just to be able to go one day without struggling for breath and coughing every time I try to talk.
3/28/05: Well I went to the doctor on 3/24 and my pneumonia is GONE!!!! I cannot believe it. I am still tired and have to take it easy, but my PCP gave me the ALL CLEAR for surgery. So now I just need to wait to hear from UCLA with a new surgery date.
I had a nice weekend with my family for Easter and just really enjoyed being with my kids and my husband. I was honored with a phone call from Jeremy Norman's Mom. I had mailed them a card with some money in it, just because I feel so much for what they are going through. It was so considerate of her to personally call and thank me, she is a sweet dear woman, and I pray that Jeremy will recover and be able to go home.
4/1/05: WOW! I got the call from UCLA. I have a new surgery date of 5/10/05!!! I am so excited. I don't mind waiting a month, it will give me time to clear my desk at work, and to get things settled at home. I want to visit with some friends, do some cleaning at home, make sure all the bills are paid ahead for a month, and do a big Costco shopping so my husband and kids don't have to worry about the basics like running out of shampoo or toilet paper, etc... and all he will have to do is pick up milk and fresh fruit and vegetables. I think it will all work out ok. I can't believe that this is going to finally happen.
4/8/05: I am starting to plan everything out carefully. I went over the paperwork from my UCLA education classes again and made a checklist or guideline to follow, starting with 1 month before surgery. It covers things like when to stop taking what medicines, when to start with the antibacterial soap, and most importantly all the details and surgeon instructions for after surgery. Things like what vitamins, how much per day, how much protein, when to advance to next stage, etc.... I think it will help me keep focused. Now I need to clean out my cupboards, make my shopping list for my post op items like SF Jello, SF Popsicles, Broth, Clear Protein, etc.... Then I need to pack my hospital bag and make sure I have my carmex, baby wipes, lotion, reading book, etc....
I have to say a HUGE "THANK YOU" to my very dear friend Leann. She made me the sweetest gift bag with things for after surgery. It was so kind and thoughtful of her, and I was so touched by her gift. I met her here on OH, and I truly don't know where I'd be without this site and the people it has brought into my life.
My other dear friend Debbi is having her surgery on 4/12/05 which is just a few days away. I am so excited and nervous for her. You'd swear it was me having the surgery in a few days.
4/14/05: Debbi came through her surgery with flying colors. She said she had no pain, she doesn't even feel like she had surgery. So far she is walking and drinking without problems and was even sent home a day early from the hospital. It makes me a lot more relaxed having witnessed her surgery and the recovery (so far). Wow, 3 weeks and counting!!!!!
4/18/05: Well, my surgery is officially 3 weeks away. I have my final pre-op on the 29th. It will be an all day thing, meeting with the anasthesiologist first, and then the surgeon in the afternoon. I am starting to get nervous. I have so many emotions going through me right now. I am so used to being in control of everything, handling the grocery shopping, bills, laundry, kids clothes for the week, etc.... I feel guilty for taking time for me. I know that sounds strange, but it will be a strain on my family, and especially my husband. There will be so many things I will be restricted from doing for a few weeks, and he'll have to do it all. I can't even pick up my daughter if she is crying. That will be hard. I know we'll work it out, and it will only be for a short time, but I still feel bad for putting extra pressure on him. He'll have to take the kids to school and daycare every day until I can drive. That will make him late for work, which will be hard. Hopefully his work will be understanding and accomodating to him. My work has been understanding when I need to leave work early when he is on a business trip, so hopefully things will be ok. The other hard part will be financially, with me being off work, and him working shorter hours, it will really hurt us. So again, I feel guilty. I hate guilt.
I am also have a lot of fears about the surgery, and possibly not making it home again. I am really freaked out about leaving my children. My husband keeps saying "you'll be fine" but I still have fears. My family means everything to me. I am doing this surgery so that I can be healthy and be there for my children. I don't want to die in 3 weeks, and I don't want to die in 10 years. I want more time than that. I know that nobody can predict when their time will come, so I know I am gambling here, big time. I just have to find a way to come to terms with my fears and get past them and move foreward with this surgery in a relaxed and calm manner.
I know there are the good things to remind myself, like the fact that my surgeon has never lost a patient, that UCLA has remarkable success ratio's, they have extensive pre-surgery education to help ensure that the patients do well, I have a wonderful support network, etc.....
I have been so busy trying to plan the perfect quality time with my family. I want to do so much, go to the zoo, do this, do that. This weekend we did stuff around the house, my husband was working on a project out back, I was doing laundry and some other stuff inside, the kids were playing nicely, inside and then outside, and it was just the best weekend ever. I felt so much love for my family, and every room I walked into, I just stopped doing what I was doing to watch what they were doing, to soak it all in. It was absolutely pefect. It was normal. It was typical (except the kids weren't fighting like normal) and I loved it. I know I will be drawing strength from that weekend for a long time.
4/28/05: My final pre-op is tomorrow. I have honestly been battling in my mind, with the reasons why I should have the surgery. Intellectually I know that I need the surgery for health reasons, but I don’t feel like an obese person, so emotionally it is hard to wrap my brain around it sometimes. I feel like a 16 yr old with a ton of energy. That isn’t the realistic me, but that is my mental self image.
So I decided to seriously think about the things I have endured, and what I want to be different about my life. Obviously there are health issues, but for me, most of them are preventative at this point. I don’t have diabetes, I don’t have high blood pressure, I don’t have high cholesterol, I don’t have sleep apnea. I do have pain in my feet every day. I do have pain in my lower back. I do have asthma. Other than that my problems are things like not being able to fit into places, not being able to get up off the floor easily, getting tired or winded after a while, etc….
I was talking to a client at work, who is a good looking man, and who’s mother is an RN and actually works for another bariatric surgery program. I had no idea. I just mentioned that I would be off work having surgery and he asked why, and I told him. He was very supportive. We got into a conversation about all different aspects of things, and one of them was how my body image will change, and how I’ll get attention from guys in a different way. It made me start thinking about the attention I’ve received from men in the past. Fortunately for me, I met a wonderful man who loves me for who I am, fat or thin, and is amazingly supportive of all my decisions. But before I met him, and even since we’ve been together, other men, even strangers on the street have treated me in a certain way. Either as a wallflower, or as a “safe” friend, or with disgust and even meanness and rudeness. So this just opened a floodgate in my mind. I started thinking about all the times in my life that I been humiliated due to my weight. At first I could only think of a couple, but then, like I said, the flood gates opened and all kinds of experiences came to mind.
-Elementary school – nickname “pregnant-a”
-Jr. High – nickname “half gallon”
-Riding my bike at Venice beach – guys laughing at me
-Laying out at the beach – guys yelling to get the beached whale off the beach, -Dating a guy for a few weeks – then he just shows up at the bar we were meeting at with another girl – I asked him what was going on and he informs me that he is done with me, that I was just a pity –f**k and that he felt no one would want me so he felt sorry for me.
-A few years later, dating another guy, pretty serious for a couple years, met his father, his father took one look at me and turned to my boyfriend and said “you used to have a hat that said NFC (No Fat Chicks) so what changed?”
-Going to Universal Studios and being asked to get off the ride because I didn’t fit.
-Going to a local carnival and having the guy tell me “no pregnant women allowed” but I wasn’t pregnant.
-Not being able to get an ultrasound of my baby done properly due to my weight. -During labor, having the nurses be mean because the baby’s heart monitor belt kept sliding off my belly, and they couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat through my fat.
-My grandmother – who I loved dearly, telling me that I’m not beautiful because I’m fat.
There are lots of other memories, I can’t and don’t want to list them all. But I needed to write them out so that I can have a reminder of what my life has been like, and why I need to do this surgery. I want a new life. I always tell people that becoming a mother, gave me the secret key to a whole new level of love, and opened my eyes to so many things that were right in front of me. Well I feel that this surgery will help me find another key into a world that I have not been a part of for many years.
5/9/05: Well tomorrow is my BIG DAY! I cannot believe that the time has finally come. I am so excited. I had a week full of emotions and tears last week, but as I woke up this morning, I just feel calm and excited.
I had a nice weekend. I was overworked at work, and I ended up staying late on Thursday and Friday to get things done. My husband took me to the Macaroni Grill for lunch on Friday which was very good. Then we went to Black Angus for dinner on Friday night. It wasn't good at all, which was very disappointing to me. Then I went to my last support group meeting on Saturday morning. I brought my husband with me so he could see first hand the experiences that these wonderful people have gone through, and how different everybody reacts to the surgery. Some can't eat anything without getting sick, some can eat anything and never get sick. Some can't eat chicken or meats, some can't eat citrus, etc..... Everyone is different. It will be trial and error until I figure out what works for me.
After the support group meeting, we took the kids to the zoo. That was fun. Then we all went to Bob's Big Boy for dinner. I have not been there in years! It was soooooooo good!!!!!! I had my alltime favorite Hot Fudge Cake for desert. It was the best "last meal".
So today I'm just packing my stuff, finishing up stuff around the house, and getting ready for tomorrow.
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5/16/05: I'M A LOSER!!!!!!! My surgery was 6 days ago and I am home and feel pretty good. I have very little pain, except when I get up from bed. I am trying to get all my protein in each day which is a huge challenge. I need to get in 96 grams of protein, but I just can't do that yet. It feels so strange to drink a few sips and have it get stuck and gurgle it's way down into my tummy. I've been able to poop so that just made me smile because I know that means the plumbing is working and everything can work it's way through.
So I arrived at the hospital at 9:00am for a 9:30 check in. Surgery was scheduled for 11:30am. They were backed up in pre-op and made me go back out to the waiting room. About 9:30am they had me come back into pre-op. There was another lady there that was having surgery with my same Dr. and hers was scheduled for 9:30am. She was still in pre-op. A few minutes later the Dr. came in and said there was a back up in OR and it would be about another 45 minutes before she got to go in, which immediately made me aware that my surgery would not be on time either. I ended up going into OR about 1:00pm. My husband Dan, my Mother, my Brother David, and my friend Nicky were all there with me. In pre-op they had a hard time starting my IV because my blood pressure was really low. My veins kept flattening out. It took several tries and finally my Mom, who is a RN and does IV's and PIC lines, put in my IV herself. Aren't Mom's great! I wasn't nervous at all until they wheeled me away to the OR. Once I got to the OR dept, they parked me in the hallway for about 5 minutes or so. That is where I lost it. All alone in the cold hallway, I started crying. Then these two sweet OR nurses came up and held my hands and talked to me and wheeled me into OR. I got onto the OR table and they all started strapping me in, and hooking me up. They gave me oxygen and that is the last thing I remember!
Next thing I knew I was being woken up in recovery. This is where the agony began. My blood oxygen levels were dangerously low. They had me on oxygen with a full face mask on, and they had to keep increasing the oxygen. It got up to 5 litres they were giving me and my saturation % kept going down into the 70's and 80's. I would have to work so hard to breath to get the numbers back up, then as soon as I would relax, they would drop again. I wasn't allowed to sleep, and EVERYONE sleeps in recovery!!!
The hard part during this whole time was that my family had no clue what was going on. Nobody came to talk to them after my surgery. So from 1pm until 5pm they didn't hear a thing. Finally they saw the doctor in the hallway and went up and asked him what was going on, he started to tell them about a problem with my gallbladder, but my husband stopped him and informed him that I don't have a gallbladder. Then my surgeon said "Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I forgot to come talk to you" He said I had a lot of adhesions from my previous surgeries and it took an extra hour in OR to remove them, but that everything went well. My family was told they'd get to see me around 6:00pm. Well at 8:30 they still hadn't heard anything. Finally they were allowed in to see me and were told about my oxygen problem.
I was finally transferred to a monitored room at 10:00pm. What a long day for my family. So all night my oxygen levels kept going down, so every time the machine would start beeping it's alarm, I'd have to wake up and breathe like crazy. It was not fun. The next day I was transferred to a normal room. They had to keep the oxygen on me still, but not monitored. I walked as much as I could and I did my spirometer a lot. It hurt like hell, but I was determined that I was not going to get pneumonia or let my lungs collapse.
The next day just unplugged my IV myself and went for long walks around the hospital floor. I wasn't going to wait for the nurses to help me. I needed to do this for myself. The more I walked, the better I felt. They took me off the oxygen on Thursday which was such a huge relief. I got so excited every time they checked my oxygen saturation levels and I saw how normal they were.
It was also fun to weigh myself as I would walk around the floor. I gained 11 pounds during surgery due to the IV fluids. By Friday when I left the hospital I had lost 9 of those 11 pounds.
I still can't believe I finally had my surgery. It was a bumpy ride and I can't thank my family enough for being there for me and for the extra burden they have carried and will carry for the next few weeks. Especially my wonderful husband. It is hard for him with our 3 kids, doing everything himself. I tease him and say "see, now you know what I go through when you are on your business trips!" He knows how much I appreciate his support and help. And he has been so wonderful making my broth for me, and mixing my medicines, etc..... He's been great.
So now I just need to rest and work on getting back into a normal life.
5/24/05: I've been doing really well with my liquid diet. Today I get to start the "Phase II" which is Full Liquids, like creamed (strained) soups, pudding, thinned mashed potatoes, thinned cream of wheat, etc.... I haven't had any problems yet, with drinking anything. I have no pain left from the surgery, I don't even feel like I had surgery. I am very tired all the time. I have zero energy. I take all my vitamins, iron, B-12 complex, etc.... I get in all my protein each day pretty much. My emotions have started to go crazy on me. I am very emotional and hormonal. I can't multi task too well right now, and just dealing with day to day life is difficult. I went to work for a couple hours yesterday and that was a huge mistake. I am not ready for that, emotionally or physically. I got very dizzy and shaky and my brain just feels muddy a lot. I tested my blood sugar and it is ok, so I'm not sure why I feel this way.
I got scared when I took my kids to school & daycare yesterday, because I knew I shouldn't have been driving a car in that condition. I would feel horrible if something happened to my kids, or to someone else. My husband told me not to do that again! I just hate feeling dependent on other people, or not being the "Super Mom" that I normally am. I know I just had major surgery and my body needs time to heal and adjust to my new eating, and right now I am probably malnourished on top of it, but my heart just wants to jump back into my life and do everything for everyone.
Part of it is that I feel like I'm not needed right now, like I'm in the way, and that is a horrible feeling. I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I'm sure it is just the emotions that make me feel like this.
I'm also upset because I have not lost any weight in a week. I really expected to lose A LOT of weight right away. It makes me sad, and mad. I feel defeated and depressed.
I'm going to my support group meeting tonight, hopefully they can give me some pointers and ideas to help turn things around for me.
6/1/05: Things are getting better. My emotions are leveling out alot. My energy is getting better. We went to the OC Swap Meet last weekend and I walked over 4 miles with no resting, it was great. I am still on "full liquids" for one more week, but I don't mind. My head wants the real food, but honestly I am not hungry. I have to remember to drink my protein, out of necessity, not hunger. It is wierd.
I'm back at work, part time, and it is a little hard, because I commute about 45 minutes (with traffic it is longer) and I get tired in the stop and go traffic. I am able to do normal stuff around the house, so that is good too. I went for my 2 week post op appointment last Friday, and the Dr. said everything looks good, and is normal. I feel the weight loss is slow, but at least it is still a loss. To date, I am down 38 pounds from where I started in November, so that is a huge accomplishment. I bought some clothes right off the rack at Walmart. Yes they were still plus size, but still, I didn't fit into them before.
My friend Leann shares her outsized clothing with me, as she keeps shrinking. It is fun. She called the other day and said "I got us some new tops today". It is so cute! I truly love the friends I have made through this website.
My other new friend, Mike, is going in for his surgery next week. Leann and I are going to visit him in the hospital and give him some support. He's going to do great!
We have a busy summer planned, and I am excited to get out and do things and enjoy life! We are going to a couple outdoor evening concerts at the Hollywood Bowl which should be a lot of fun. We are going to
Oh, and most importantly, today is my 9 year Wedding Anniversary. I am still in love with my wonderful hubby, even after all these years. We've been together since 1992 and I feel lucky every day to have found my perfect soul mate, best friend, and love of my life.
6/9/05: I am still doing ok. The energy is getting better every day. I'm working full time now which isn't too bad. I started exercising so I really hope that increases my weight loss. I am down 19 pounds from surgery and a total of 44 pounds from my original consultation date last November. 19 pounds is a good amount of weight loss in one month. I was thinking it was too slow, but if I lose that every month then in 6 months I will have lost over 100 lbs! That is my goal, 100 lbs gone by November 10th. I wonder if I'll make it. It still seems like a fantasy to me.
I'm having a little bit of trouble with food. I don't get sick when I eat it, but later or the next day I get diarreha and cramping for hours. It is not fun. I need to go back to basics and try one new food a day, and see how that does. I certainly don't want to have this problem forever so I hope I can figure out a way to tell exactly what food or types of food do this to me.
6/14/05: Sunday was my worst day so far. I woke up fine, and was playing with my kids, planning a nice drive up the coast and I felt a little crampy, so I went to the bathroom. It was instantly like someone flipped a switch. I got majorly sick!!! I started throwing up, and having major diarreha at the same time. I had not eaten in over 12 hours so of course my pouch was empty, so I was dry heaving. I was hysterically crying. It was agony. This lasted for hours. I do not know what I could have eaten to cause this effect. I am trying to just take foods one at a time to see what causes problems.
On the positive side, I am now down 47 pounds. It is just amazing. I went to Walmart and grabbed a pair of 22/24 pants to just see how close I was to wearing them. They fit!!!! I am so thrilled. It is definite progress that I can finally see. My other pants were sooo baggy on my butt.
We are going to
I have decided to to the Walk from Obesity on September 24th. I am very sad though because I just found out that members of NAAFA (National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance) has made appearances in the past at the walks, and that they heckel the walkers. I cannot believe that. That just makes me soooooo mad. Who are they to heckle people like me, who are just trying to get healthy and make a positive change in life. I am not trying to be skinny or vein, I want to be healthy, and that means that I need to lose weight and reduce the strain on my heart and other organs.
6/30/05: Well, last Friday my 5 yr old daughter Amanda graduated from Pre-School. It was so cute. I can't believe she'll be starting Kindergarten in the fall. Time sure flies. It seems like she was just born. After her graduation we drove up to
So we drove to
We walked over 2 miles on Saturday, and it felt good. I did not need to stop and rest, I did not need to use my asthma inhaler at all. I kept drinking so I kept hydrated, and I felt good.
I was amazed by how everything in
The only thing I really missed out on was the margaritas. They had these huge 2 or 3 foot tall glasses that you could carry around with a nice margarita. I really wanted one, but I did not want the aweful feeling that comes after drinking in the hot weather, so I just kept reminding myself that I would feel horrible and didn’t need it. Plus I was with my kids and I do not drink alcohol when I’m with my kids. I did not have time to even sit down at a slot machine. Well I could have after the kids were asleep, but I was too tired and didn’t want to budge from our room.
We went to the Tournament of Knights at the Excalibur Hotel. It was a very good show, the kids loved it. I was able to eat some of the food and had no problems.
I did fine with my eating. Most of the time I just ate my own stuff, and then had a baked potato or something like that.
I showed my restaurant card from UCLA to the buffet at the Tropicana, and they let me in for kid’s price. And then the Omlette chef made me the cutest little omelette with onions and eggs, and he used non fat spray on the pan instead of butter. It was great. We got into a conversation about my surgery, then another girl in line started talking about her cousin who had the surgery, etc... It was really neat.
We came home on Sunday and then I got an earache on Monday. Monday night I took some Tylenol w/codine. I got sooo buzzed so fast. That was fine, I don't mind buzzed. I went to sleep and woke up an hour later in horrible pain. I couldn’t breathe. I ended up being in pain for several hours, then got very dizzy and sick. I went back to sleep and when I woke up I felt fine. Until I got out of bed. As soon as I moved, the room started spinning, I felt like I was drunk. I got sick to my stomach, and it just got worse from there. I tried to drive the kids to school. HUGE MISTAKE. I ended up stuck on the side of the road, with Amanda in the car. I was throwing up and in horrible pain, and so dizzy. My brother came and got me and took me home. I threw up a few more times and then I passed out. I fell asleep from 9:30am until 2:30pm. That was Tuesday. It is now Thursday and I still hurt, my stomach just aches all over. I feel queasy all the time. I don’t know what is going on. Dan keeps saying “Call UCLA”. I don’t want to. I’m hoping it is a flu bug of some sort and I just want to wait it out a few days. I’m on clear fluids today, to see if that helps. But I feel sick even drinking that.
7/12/005: Things for me have been really good lately. I feel great. I am wearing smaller clothing and feeling healthier and just better about myself. My self esteem is rising every day. I feel sexy and fun at home with my husband and it is really nice to feel that way again. I have not had any more problems with food. I am able to eat a larger variety of foods, as long as I watch the fat intake I am fine. I even had a little alcohol and had no problems with it. I did however, find out that I do dump!!!! I got a Non Fat Frozen Yogurt at Costco, and about 1/2 way through it, I got light headed, my heart was racing, I was dizzy. It lasted about 20-30 minutes and then I was fine. So now I know that I dump on sugars.
My sweet friend Mike Hanvey, who had his surgery on June 7th is back in the hospital with major complications. My heart just breaks thinking of what he is going through, and his family. I am so worried about him and his family. The support and love that has come from the OH community is simply overwhelming and inspiring. I hope and pray that Mike can feel the love, care, and concern. I am going to try and see if he will be up for visitors in a few days. I sure hope he'll be ok soon.
7/13/05: HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAN!!!! Today is my wonderful husband's birthday! I love that man so much! I think I am more in love with him today than I was when we met 13 years ago.
Today is a good day. Mike H. is doing better! Yipee! I was so scared and worried for him. I can't wait until he is out of the hospital. He is off his oxygen and getting some rest. I remember how annoying the oxygen and monitors were! His sweet wife is so strong and supportive. I wish I could do something more to help them out.
My other angelette - Alisha is out of surgery and doing great! She is walking and sipping and feels good. I am so thrilled for her!
And I finally lost another pound! I am now at 261 lbs. I have a little bit of a blockage problem so that doesn't help the weight loss. Hee Hee, maybe once I finally go to the bathroom I'll be in the 250's! Wouldn't that be great!
This Friday I'll be going to a bachelorette party. It will be so much fun. We are going to a male strip club in
I have a support group meeting on Saturday, which is always good. I will dearly miss my friend Leann who won't be there. Her MIL passed away and they are having a reception for her.
I am so amazed by the love and support of the people on this board. People who I have never met in person, but I feel like I know them so well.
7/19/05: Not much is new with me today. My friend Mike H. is home from the hospital and I actually got to speak with him on Saturday! I am so relieved that he is doing better. I will continue to pray for him and his family so hopefully he will make a full recovery and be back in action soon.
I had a lot of fun at the bachelorette party on Friday night. I found out that I can for sure drink alcohol! That is a good thing for me. I don't drink much, or often, but I do like to have a few drinks every now and then. I am trying to find something to wear to my friend's wedding on Saturday, it is so hard. I just don't know what I like, plus we can't afford to spend a lot of money right now. Trying not stress about $, but that is a whole nother issue. I just got a raise at work, which is awesome! Dan is mad that now I make more than he does! Ha! But it sucks because he hasn't had a raise at his work in a really long time. I just don't understand how companies can not give raises on a consistent basis. It is very frustrating especially with 3 kids and a mortgage, etc.... I swear we need a miracle to make it through the next year! Maybe if I lose enough weight I can make some extra money as a stripper. No, don't think we'll ever be that desperate. Might be fun though. Just kidding. Or am I???? So anyways, I don't know if I really want to spend money on a new dress right now. I also need shoes and a hair cut, so I guess I'll just wait and see.
Oh the best news is I got tickets to see Tim McGraw and also tickets to see Faith Hill! I am so excited. I got extra tickets for both so hopefully I can re-sell some and make some money.
Well, that is all for now.
7/24/05: Yesterday a close friend of mine got married and I helped her plan and put on her wedding. It was so much fun. It made me realize that I still do want to open my own wedding planning business. But I am better at the budget weddings than the big fancy shmancy weddings. I just love doing it. So far I've done it all for free, but I wouldn't mind making it a business. Well, maybe one day.
So I bought a new dress for the wedding and I got my hair cut pretty short compared to what it was. I felt like a million bucks! I was able to eat the mexican buffet food they had, I drank several drinks, and danced, danced, danced. I just felt good. It was so crazy, it was about 11pm and I was still dancing, and it just dawned on me that I had danced a lot, without stopping, and I was having fun, not out of breath, not tired, not winded, didn't need my inhaler, and I felt damn good! I even got my husband out there to dance with me and he was laughing and I think he had a good time. I was dancing with the groom, I was dancing with the bride, we were all bumping and grinding and having a ball.
Could it be that I really am on my way to a more normal life? It has seemed like such a fantasy all this time, like the mirage at the end of a long hot country road. But for once, I feel like maybe I got a glimmer of that oasis and it might just be real??? Holy crap! I might actually have a life ahead of me? Is it real or a dream to be this happy and feel this good?
I am now down to 256 lbs. I am 6 pounds away from matching the weight on my drivers license. I never even realized that that mattered to me, but it tickles the hell out of me. I have less than 100 pounds to go until my goal. WOW! I never thought I would be happy to have 94 pounds to go to goal, but considering I had 162 pounds to go to my goal when I started this journey last November, it is wonderful to me to have less than 100 pounds to go now! I will soon be out of the "Morbidly Obese" category and that just stops me in my tracks. You mean I might not die from being a fat slob any more? I might have a chance to live a normal and God willing, long life? For me the term "Morbidly Obese" has always scared the crap out of me. I am not saying it is right, but in my mind that was saying to me, you are obese and fat and because you couldn't stop yourself from getting fat, it is going to kill you. It is not a matter of "IF" it is only a matter of "WHEN". So in my mind if I can get out of that category, then I will not die from being overweight. Like I said, I don't know if it is right or wrong, (and I will find out) but this is my brain's logic and how I feel.
08/08/05: Well things are going very well for me. I had my first real WOW moment last week. My husband was gone on a business trip, and I was folding the laundry and just decided to try on his pants and THEY FIT!!! It was so much fun. I have lost 69 pounds so far and I feel so great. I went shopping and bought some size 18/20 pants. I could not believe they fit. They were tight, yes, but they fit. I also got some size 20 stretchy jeans, and they were tight, but fit. It is amazing. I feel really good, and the better I feel the happier I am. The happier I am, the better I feel. It is out of control.
I am not having any problems with the foods I am eating. The problem I am having is remembering to eat, or eating enough food during the day. I am also not doing too well on my water and exercise.
The summer is passing so fast. Jessie will be going to
We are taking the kids to see Dora the Explorer - Live on Saturday. That should be fun. I am anxious to see how I fit in the seats at the Kodak Theater.
8/15/05: I have been going to support groups for a long time, about 6 months prior to my surgery in May. I have been here on the boards and I consider myself to be a fairly well educated WLS patient.
Now, knowing that, I had heard a lot and read a lot about people confronting their past, their demons, and what caused them to become overweight and even obese. For me, it was always one of those things that just happens to other people, not to me. Why? Because I am "normal" there is nothing wrong with me emotionally. I was only 322 pounds because I just like food.
Well guess what? WRONG!!!! This realiziation hit me like a brick wall this weekend as I confronted my past that I thought was not a big deal.
I had dinner on Friday night with two of my best friends from high school. One of them I have only seen 1 time since high school and that was 11 years ago. I graduated from high school 21 years ago. This one friend was my closest friend. Our birthdays are 2 days apart and we were inseparable. I was a very depressed teenager and my weight was my biggest insecurity. In 12th grade this friend broke off our friendship and told me she'd always love me but could no longer handle my moods, my depression and my low self esteem. It was bad. I was very hurt at the time. And actually to this day I still cry when I remember what happened. Well we've been in touch via email for several years. We have never spoken about the past. I don't blame her for pushing me away, a teenager can only handle so much, and I actually respect her for having the courage to tell me to get help (which I never did).
I have put off seeing her for almost 5 years. I never had the strength or courage to do it. I was scared. Scared of rejection again. Scared I'd say the wrong thing and we'd be back to 12th grade again. I couldn't go through that again.
Well now I have the strength to do it. And we had a wonderful time on Friday, we realized that our lives have eerily paralleled each others over the years, eventhough we were not in touch. We both have the exact same wedding day (same date, same year) and we both have daughters named Shayna. It is really strange.
So Saturday morning I was getting ready to go to my support group meeting and as I'm curling my hair, I just started crying. It all just hit me. I felt like I had confronted my past, I had finally accepted everything about me, and was willing to walk through that door, and be me. Just me. It is a very vulnerable state to be, but so liberating at the same time. I cannot fully explain in words how I feel or why this particular event triggered such emotions.
It is not the amount of weight that I have lost or will lose. It is so much more. I guess it is a combination of things, like the control that I have over my life. I am not controlled by food, by fear, by anything.
I don't care as much about what other people say or do. I hope that will improve as time goes by. It is funny, because society isn't changing, it is me that is changing. There will always be rude and insensitive people, but I just don't care anymore. They are the ones to be pitied, not me.
I have self esteem, I have self acceptance, and I feel good about my life and the choices I'm making. I feel empowered, and liberated. So when people say that this surgery is a tool, they are so right. This tool helps in all aspects of my life, not just my eating. Eating is only a small part of the picture. I don't know if I would have ever come this far emotionally without the help of the surgery, and the wonderful support I have found both on OH and in my support group.
I feel like I have come full circle and I am finding the ME that I once enjoyed being.
I know that I have probably only hit the tip of the iceberg, and am sort of excited and apprehensive about what other suprises my psyche has instore for me because I know I am not nearly done healing.
I have been having dizziness problems lately and I found out at my support group that I might be dehydrated and possibly have low blood pressure. I will be seeing my PCP this week and also I have my 3 months follow up at UCLA on the 19th.
We went to see Dora the Explorer at the Kodak Theatre in
8/17/05: I am officially no longer MORBIDLY OBESE. Yipee!!! I am now down to 252, which is 70 pounds gone! My BMI is 39.5. I am thrilled.
Last night I went to see Faith Hill at the Pantages theatre in
Today I see my
Friday I have my 3 month check up with UCLA so I'm excited for that too. And Saturday I am going to the Hollywood Bowl to see Natalie Cole. It will be a "date" with my husband, so it should be a great time. We are bringing a bottle of wine, and plan to have a romantic evening.
8/22/05: Friday I had my 3 month Post Op check up with Dr. Dutson at UCLA. I felt so good. I am down 75 pounds!!! I still can't believe it. I also got to meet my Angelette - Ericka! She met me near UCLA and we sat and talked for about an hour. It was so wonderful to finally meet her. She looks amazing!
I went shopping on Saturday and bought 4 pairs of jeans, size 20! I colored my hair on Friday and it turned out kind of funky pink. Not what I was going for. I re-colored it with Dark Brown so now it looks better, kind of dark brown with burgundy. It is a lot darker than what I'm used to, but I like it.
My husband is sick, but we still went to see Natalie Cole. She sang our song, the very first song she opened with. It was so nice. I got sick on Saturday afternoon from something I ate on Friday, and it got worse on Sunday. I felt like crap and the pain was horrible. I'm doing better today. Even in pain, I still took the stairs instead of the escalator - just because I can. I walked up the hills at the Hollywood Bowl - because I can. I ran up the big hill on the side of the Bowl - because I can. It feels so good. My brother said something so sweet to me. He said "I was walking by you guys and I didn't even recognize you - you look so small" That made me feel so good. I see the difference in me in photos, but I still don't feel thinner. I feel like my same self. I know I am buying smaller clothes, but I feel the same. I look at my before and current pictures and I can see the difference. I was a ball before. Now I look like a normal person. Wait, did I just say normal? Wow.
8/29/05: This has been an interesting week. My whole family was really sick. My kids got some sort of flu that started with vomiting and then turned into a cold. I got it too, but not as severe as them. Dan has been sick for over 3 weeks now. He has been to the doctor 3 times. He ended up in Urgent Care on Saturday because he couldn’t breathe. He has pneumonia. They also found some black spots on his lungs. They don’t know what it is yet. They said that they don’t think it is cancer because that usually looks different. At this point they are calling it a Chronic Lung Condition due to some sort of exposure. They don’t know to what. They are sending the x-rays to a lung specialist and a radiologist to review them. We should hear something today or tomorrow. They may put him off work. He can’t sit up for more than an hour without being in complete pain. So I’m trying to be strong and hold it all together and not freak out, but I am so worried about him. He is my life, my love, my rock, and I just can't bear the thought of him being in pain and sick, let alone anything worse. I am an emotional wreck right now inside, but I'm doing a good job of holding it inside and not letting him know how worried I am. I think I'm more scared than worried. I'm scared of the unknown.
I haven't felt much like posting on the boards lately. I just feel so sad inside that I don't know what to say to people. I just want to keep to myself I think. I'm so consumed with worry right now, I can't even concentrate on my work or anything. Oh, and I'm down to 244 lbs, which means -78 lbs.
8/30/05: Last night wasn't a good night for my husband. He is going to see his doctor today. Part of me hopes they just admit him to the hopsital until they can run all their tests and figure out what is going on, but I know he would hate that. He is so sick. He has lost about 15 pounds in the past 2 weeks. I am trying to stay positive. I hope he doesn't read this, at least not right now, because I don't want him to know how worried I am. Hopefully we'll know something later today.
9/1/05: Dan did get worse, but the doctors have a plan. On Tuesday they gave him 4 more medications and told him to come back on Thursday (which is today), and if he wasn't feeling better they'd admit him to the hospital. He is actually at the doctor's office right now. He did sleep the past 2 nights, which he desperately needed. I think he is doing a little bit better. He is off work for 2 weeks. They don't seem concerned about the black spots on his lungs, at least not right now. They want to deal with the infections he has and the pneumonia, and then they'll re-do the xrays in a few months and see if there is something else going on.
One of the reasons I didn't post anything was because I felt that my worries are trivial compared to the horrible devastation that has occured and is continuing in
9/9/05: The entire nation has been in shock for over a week. There are still people stranded in
Dan is still sick. He is better though. His pneumonia is clearing up and he is slowly gaining strength and energy. He'll be off work at least one more week. I fee so releived that the worst is over.
I'm going to an OH Lunch tomorrow in
So my kids started school this week. What an emotional thing for me. Amanda started Kindergarten and Shayna started preschool. They both are enjoying it very much. There was a traumatic (for me) moment earlier this week when the day care forgot to pick up Amanda after Kindergarten, but it was rectified quickly and she was never scared or upset, only Mommy was. The nights have been hard because the kids are over tired and worn out, especially because Amanda is adjusting to no naps now, so they go into meltdown. We need to adjust their bedtime to 8pm instead of 9pm. We need to change our whole routine now, which is not a bad thing.
9/15/05: Well my daughters have been in school for a week now and everything is going well. They are adjusting, I am adjusting and it is going good. Last weekend I had the awesome opportunity to go to an OH Lunch in
So I am on Jury Duty this week. It is interesting but I don't get paid for it, my husband is on disability and hasn't gotten paid for weeks so we are really in a bad spot. It sucks that because these people couldn't resolve their differences and work it out, I am the one who can't pay my mortgage or feed my kids this week. Well I'm exaggerating there, but I did borrow money so that I could feed my kids. What blows me away is so many people I have talked to say that they just don't respond when they get a Jury Duty notice. I cannot imagine doing that. Maybe I am too much of a goody two shoes.
My weight i
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