Paola N.

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January 7th, 2006
Hmmmm...I feel a little better each day. Mentally I'm feeling pretty good since I haven't been using food to cover up all this pain in my chest. Phisically I'm good...I lost all the holidaze weight...and even a little more. But...I'm still not at peace...my feelings are still lost...it's like looking at several directions at the same time...and not knowing where to go...which path to take...
The anti-depressants are helping so I don't cry all day...that's good because I can at least function and not make my kids (and everyone else around me) miserable. I know with time things will fall into place...I just wish I could pick the place and the direction I want.
God is in charge of my life...if I can only remember that.
Gotta hike...hugs, P

January 4th, 2006
Whew...what a difference a day makes...glad to report I'm feeling a WHOLE LOT better...today anyway...LOL...
I'm glad I'm still able to laugh at myself...that in my humble opinion is VERY important...and let's me see that my happy chirpy self is still inside of me...
waiting for the next bout of happiness to come out...

January 3rd, 2006
Today I think I hit bottom...or at least I hope I did. I don't think I've cried as much or felt as bad EVER in my life. I think because I'm not using food to numb my feelings I'm learning what it's like to go through life "feeling" IT. It sure was easier when I didn't feel anything...but maybe this is just the beginning...maybe eventually I'll learn to deal with feelings without stuffing my face.
It's a lot harder than I thought...and I HATE the fact that I had to give in to anti-depressants...
Today I thought a lot about my sister Daniela...she's one of the most gorgeous women I know...she gets ANY guy she wants, she's wealthy, has a great body...and still...she's on ADs or having panick attacks a lot of the time. I finally know what's like to look great and feel like shit. This is weird because I always felt the way I looked...and I'm realizing beautiful people also go through a lot of crap...whew...what was I ever thinking...why should I have the "privilege" of suffering more than a normal person...LOL...we are so freakin' egocentric...SOMEBODY GET ME A NEURALIZER!!! (didya watch "Men in Black?"...see image below) For those of you not aware...the Neuralizer is supposed to make you forget the past (whatever time you want to erase from your memory you just set it for that) Geez...it looks...hmmmm...interesting...I wonder if that's the reason it makes you forget everything? ROFL...

January 1st, 2006
Sadness...sadness...sadness...tears...tears...tears...when is it going to stop...

December 31st, 2005
WOW...the year is over...what a ride it's been!
Three days ago I decided to start taking some anti-depressants...I finally gave in and realized even though everything happening is part of life I don't have to suffer through it without help...like I usually do. One thing I must say...I'm still in love with life and EVERYTHING that comes with it...and had I not lost the weight I probably would be having a much harder time at this point.
This year was a lesson...the first half of it was one of the happiest times of my life...I hadn't felt that way in so long. Then...like I thought would happen...it all came crashing down...and I'm still trying to deal with the reality of things.
I have to be honest though...I do not regret an ounce of what happened. Even though my heart is in a million pieces I still rather feel this way
than feel numb like I used to when
I was eating my way through life.
Today I had a wonderful day with my son Ben. We went out by ourselves all day...first to the mall (got my eyebrows waxed) window shopped a little while Ben played at the playground. Then we went downtown where I found this awesome bead shop. I love making jewerly...should do it more often. I was so excited I forgot to have lunch...that hadn't happened since the first month of surgery...LOL...so after I made myself a bracelet to celebrate the New Year we went to this little cafe and had some lunch. Ben wanted some cake and since he behaved so well I got him a piece...and just watched him eat...thanking God for the beautiful children he has put in my life. I feel SO privileged...I must have done something right to deserve them :)
Well...cheers to the New Year!
Hugs, Paola

December 15th, 2005
Yesterday was the day from hell...I'm still speechless. I don't think I'd been under so much stress in a very long time. To begin with my mom called from Brazil to tell me she wasn't coming to spend Christmas with us because her leg hurts too much (she has an inflamation.) Then they called from Ben's school to tell me he had fallen at the playground and cut his lip pretty good...so I went to get him...
I was already pretty stressed because last night I took the National Registry to become an EMT. I sincerely can't tell you how I did. It was a VERY tricky and hard test. Probably the hardest I've ever taken. I needed at least another hour and had to rush through the last 50 questions...now I have to wait about a month for the results...can you say ANXIETY?
It didn't help that we had a full moon and everything and everyone was crazy...the funny thing was that when I left the test the first thing I saw was a falling star...I made 2 wishes...I sure hope that was a 2 wish star...LOL...
My food is not doing too good...not only it's the holidays but I'm sad...don't feel like writing about that right now...
This morning I woke to post DAWN PATROL and my computer was having a heart attack...took my husband about 2 hours to fix it...he had turned the power off by mistake and the printer was on...and it locked the whole thing...ai ai ai. Then on the way to take Ben to school we had a fight...don't want to write about that either...sorry.
At least yesterday and today I did good with my food...funny how sometimes I can do it under stress and other times I have to eat to "medicate" myself.
It's been really cold here in CO and that does not help. I need the sun and the heat and the green and flowers to make me happy. I need love...it just feels like everything is drying...and it's freezing...inside and outside myself.
NOW the real test begins...it's easy to eat right and exercise when I'm happy...but this is the first time things are this bad since surgery and I'm not sure how good I can deal with it.
I'm just glad I have you guys (OH) to listen and help me through things...again...YOU'RE GREAT! Thanks a bunch...
Love, Paola

November 29th, 2005
I'm just so thankful for everything that's happening in my life. Every person, every situation, every heartache, every lesson God is teaching me. Yesterday it hit me like a bolt...no matter what...I'm blessed. I'm strong, I'm beautiful and courageous, I survived obesity without killing myself, and am now FREE to live my life any way I want to. AND on top of it all, I have you awesome people to share it all with...and I no longer feel like I have to keep it all inside...or eat my way through life. I've said this before but I'll say it again...this surgery (this is my experience and my opinion) is a freakin' miracle. I could have lived my life morbidly obese til the bitter end...but I was given a second chance...and I'm going to hang on to it for dear life.
Yesterday I finally realized God wants me to be HAPPY. He does not want me to feel guilty about every single mistake...and I don't have to be perfect and please the world to be a good person. God is my friend...he's listening, he's working as hard as He possibly can to make my dreams come true...and yesterday I let go of the guilt I felt for years and years for wanting to be better. For thinking I deserve better. I DO!!!
The other day I received an email...one of those sent to 300 other people...but it said "did you know there are at least 5 people in the world who would die for you? Did you know there are at least 15 people in the world who love you? That you mean the world to some people you haven't even met?" Then yesterday I got a phone call from a friend who's been in my life for 12 years. Even though we live in separate states...I realized...yes...this person loves me, worries about me, and wants me to be happy...how come I have to second guess myself??? So there...the bolt hit me right between the eyes...and I realized WOW...I AM SO DARN HAPPY! How come I didn't see that before? I even made my therapist happy...she had a huge smile when I left her office...:)

November 25th, 2005
It's the day after Thanksgiving...I have a lot to say...but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings...so for now I'm just going to post what I answered to Tooter's post this morning...entitled "I am..." Here it is...
I am beautiful...inside and out. I am determined, persistent, relentless, stubborn...independent! I'm sassy, sexy, playful and loving. I too am a great mom... I am fearless for the most part and am ready for a challenge anytime. I know I'm strong. That's how I've survived this long. I'm good hearted...and I'm naive. I trust until the contrary is proven.
I am full of energy...and I have so much love to give it overflows most of the time...so I cry a lot. Ok...that's it for now...oh and yes...there's still much room for improvement...and like you Toots...it will never end :)

October 18th, 2005
Wow...it's been a while. Sorry!
My EMT classes started (are well under way for that matter) and in a few days I'm scheduled to work a 12 hour shift with AMR (the ambulance service around here) and next week I'm working an 8 hour shift at the ER. I'm so excited I could burst! LOL...
This course, plus the gym, is what's keeping me afloat...and what's keeping my mind busy. I must say I still have too much free time to think about things that make me sad and keep my chest hurting. I'm having a very hard time trying to pretend nothing happened in my heart a couple of months ago...that's all I'm going to say about that.
I'm in counseling...and my counselor is great...at least she doesn't think I'm wrong or judge me for the way I think. Guess that's what she's being paid for eh? LOL...
but she's been helping me figure things out.
I've been having a hard time with my food...it still numbs my feelings and sometimes it's exactly what I want and need. Unfortunately...
I have to tell you though...the exercise is what's saving my touche...and it's also what keeps me sane. It's the perfect partner for my pouch.
My son has started full time kindergarten. I miss him but he's so much happier. He even lost weight...since he used to watch way too much TV. My fault I know...
The leaves are turning around here and it's such a beautiful thing...the air is crisp and there's a little snow on top of the mountains...I feel like doing flips in the air...and I know everything will be just fine. I trust God...and I trust myself.
Hugs, Paola

August 21st, 2005
As I predicted...bliss is gone for now...and I'm again on a rollercoaster ride.
My own doing might I add...like someone else told me..."why do I even need enemies when I have myself."
Anyway...my marriage is very much on the rocks...nothing new but now the SH*T really hit the fan...I've cheated...I got dumped by my "lover..." I've asked for a divorce and I told my husband all he wanted to know...yes about the "other" guy.
Jiminy Cricket...what a mess. It threw my food out of control...my emotions, and even my spiritual path is wobbly. At least my exercise is still going good and strong.
I'm posting this just so you guys know...it is NOT a joke...this surgery REALLY makes you rethink your whole life...especially after you lose all the weight...
For now I'm standing STILL. I told my husband I'm not getting a divorce or committing to anything...I'm very much LOST IN SPACE and when I feel like this I think it's better not to make a move.
I still am in love with life though...the beauty and complexity of it all amazes me every day.
I know I'll be ok. I'm a strong person...mentally, physically, and spiritually...and I'm very happy to see that my feelings are coming back to life...even if to mess things up. I thought I was dead inside. BUT I'm ALIVE AND KICKING! That is a big relief...bring it on!
LOVE is still what keeps my wheel turning...all aspects of it.
Hugs, Paola