Paola N.

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

July 31st, 2005
Ok...after a conversation with my best friend today I feel compelled to share my thoughts...so here they are...
From the moment I learned my surgery was going to happen I felt like I was in the twilight zone...like...yeah, it will happen but maybe it won't work for me. Well...BELIEVE IT OR NOT...it worked.
The weight fell off my back and I feel (among other things) reborn, free, strong, happy, healthy, super dooper!
Unfortunately the one thing that HAS to change is the fact that I'm still waiting for disaster to happen...and that brings me anxiety...and that makes eating right more of an effort. I am having a heck of a time realizing that someone can love me and I can love back...understanding that the beautiful person looking back at me when I look in the mirror is REALLY...ME!
This morning I woke up crying...sometimes it's too much to keep it all inside...and good girl that I am...I had to let it out. Cried, cried and cried some more...listened to some crying music and cried some more. Went to the gym...exercised like a maniac...came home and cried some more...Jiminy Cricket...someone bring on the exorcist!!!
So here I sit...reading all you beautiful people's posts...laughing, getting mad, rolling my eyes, sighing and full of love to give (something I never had before...it was always take take take.) And I'm finally understanding...IT IS REAL...I might never be cured from Obesity...but I am moving forward...and it's under control. Even when it all seems a wreck and I forget where I came from...it's still so much better than it used to be. No way to compare.
Sometimes despair hits me...and I think...whew...what the heck is happening??? Then I realize I'm only a baby...just started my first steps 16 months ago...and am still learning to "walk" this life as a "normal" person.
BELIEVE...

June 27th, 2005
Let's see if I can write what I'm feeling today...
GRATITUDE...that this surgery has allowed the real me to come out. The person I've always known was inside me is now who other people can see too. Like I've been in jail for 37 years and all of a sudden someone found out it was all a big mistake...I didn't do it...and I was set free!!!
I feel STRONG...like I've never felt before. Thanks to exercising I look at myself and my new body and think...WOW...look what you've accomplished, look who you've become...
LOOK what God helped you do!
I am HAPPY...I've been happy before but it never lasted so long and it was never THIS happy. My heart overfills with all these intense feelings and sensations that I thought I would never feel again. I cry sometimes because it's so much to take in.
Yesterday I told a friend...it's like I've been on anti-depressants forever...(I took them before and I couldn't feel/cry/laugh/have an orgasm while on them) and now I'm off of them
and everything is so...right!
Don't get me wrong...I still have problems, my life is by no means perfect. But it's so much easier to deal with life in general when you're happy with who you are.
I sincerely hope everyone who embarks on this journey can reach the point I'm at.
I wish you LOVE and PEACE...WITHIN YOURSELF.

June 16th, 2005
I am A-M-A-Z-E-D at the level of JOY I've been experiencing. There are things happening in my life that are helping me feel this way, but I would have never gotten where I am today without this surgery.
I love taking care of myself, and I have so much more to offer my family and friends it's just unbelievable.
I have felt this kind of happiness before...when I was a child. When I didn't have a single thing to worry about. To feel it now that I'm an adult who has been through so much is just the icing on the cake.
I know the world turns and things change...I don't want to fool myself into thinking I'm going to be this happy forever or that I'm "cured" from obesity.
But I DO want to soak it all in and enjoy the moment.
YEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAW!!! I'M HAPPY TODAY!!!

May 25th, 2005
I haven't written in a while...nothing much has changed. My body seems to have reached a comfortable weight and even though I'm exercising a lot and eating sensibly I'm not losing anything. I'm very happy with where I am though. I think I could lose a few more pounds but I'm sure those will come off eventually when I have plastic surgery.
My head took a while to reach my body...but it's finally there!
I'm wearing size 8 pants...that to me is something I could NEVER in my wildest dreams have fathomed.
So...there you go...I'm a success! :)

March 17th, 2005
(Happy St. Patty's day!)
It's been a week that I'm back from home (Brazil) I'm ready to share how my trip went. It wasn't a fun one I'll tell you. My dad has been in a coma for over a year and my mom is bipolar on the verge of another breakdown. My family hadn't seen me since surgery and yes they were amazed...but I still felt really overweight. My mind played some weird tricks on me. Besides that it was very hard for me to eat healthy and exercise and I knew I'd gain some weight. When I got home I weighed myself. I had gained 8 pounds *SIGH.*
I already knew it since I had weighed myself down there. I'm happy to tell you that after only 7 days I have lost 7 of them. I realize probably half of them were water weight. I'm just relieved that my body seems to know what to do and seems to be going back to the weight it was comfortable with. I'm happy my "normal" weight is no longer 265+ pounds. I'm happy I've established a "healthy" exercise routine and I no longer gorge on junk all day. I have to tell you though...when I went back home my bad/old behaviors came back. I'm so glad I live away from all that stuff that's happening down there. I had my doubts if I should move back to Brazil...but I don't anymore. I'm happier than I ever knew I was...right where I am today :-)

November 25th, 2004 (Thanksgiving)
Today is the day to give thanks...right! For so many things I can't even believe. For starters I officially lost 100lbs yesterday (since surgery.) I'm so amazed and in disbelief! I'm wearing size 8 pants and they are getting loose!!!
About a week ago I started doing protein shakes. I avoided them til now because my doctor never mentioned them and the nutritionist said she rather see me getting my nutrients from food. But I've been working out a lot and was feeling weak and without energy. Since all my bloodwork has been coming back normal I decided to try the shakes. Well guess what...not only I have a lot more energy but I've been able to control my eating a lot easier and I lost 4lbs this week. So I guess the protein increase does help break plateaus.
Anyway...I have so many things to be thankful for I'm not even going to attempt to write them down...but the best one I think is the self-worth feeling that I have now. And the sense of accomplishment that I wake up with every day. Let me tell you...it IS a lot easier to deal with life when you're not obese. Even if all your problems are still there...you have a different attitude...of gratitude :)
GOBBLE GOBBLE!

October 17th, 2004
Today I went to a really cool mall out of town...and went into one of my favorite stores, J Jill. They do carry some bigger sizes and before I had surgery I could wear some of their stuff. But today I went in and looked at the regular sizes...in the sales rack. I got a bunch of extra large stuff and the same stuff in large because I wasn't sure what size I was wearing. Then I asked a sales person to open a dressing room for me. I told her the reason I was taking both sizes was because I wasn't sure. She looked at me and told me "you're a MEDIUM."
I tought to myself...YEAH RIGHT...but got some medium stuff to try on. I cried the whole time I was in the dressing room...because all their medium stuff fit me just fine. It's very hard to believe that I'm that size now. I have never worn clothes so small...and I always went into stores not hoping to find anything that fit me...except for Lane Bryant.
The other day I went into Lane Bryant and couldn't find anything that fit. Everything was too big. Guess those days are over.
Mind you I went into a bunch of other stores and tried a lot of stuff...didn't buy anything...but fit into everything I liked. What really got to me was that the lady at J. Jill could tell my size...and I didn't believe her!

October 5th, 2004
Well...I must admit...I never THOUGHT I would feel "normal" in this lifetime. I didn't THINK this surgery would work for me. I didn't THINK I could ever be happy again and look in the mirror and like what I see.
When I got to a size 16 I THOUGHT...I'll be happy if I don't lose another pound. Then I got to a size 14 and that to me was just a surprise. Now my size 12 pants are getting loose. Yep! The UNTHINKABLE is happening...and I THINK I like it!!!

August 27th, 2004
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately...looking at old pictures, looking in the mirror, trying on new clothes...I think I can call it a rebirth process.
The results of this surgery are beyond my wildest dreams. I had no idea it would affect me so much. Of course I knew it would make me happier and healthier. But it's just so much more...
I'm so in awe of everything I've been through in life and how strong I turned out to be. From growing up with a bipolar abusive mother, to dealing with obesity in Brazil (I think it's harder there...I totally felt ostracized due to the fact 95% of the population exercises like maniacs and are in great shape) to moving to the US by myself...to run away from all those feelings. I'm in awe that I survived every single battle life has thrown at me...and I'm in awe that God gave me a second chance.
I feel so blessed! I never thought I would be able to look in the mirror and like what I see again. That hadn't happened in so long! I feel strong...inside and outside. And I just would like the people who are going in for this surgery to know...it takes a little while...but you too will feel this way.
Being obese was no walk in the park...but it made me such a beautiful person inside. I can relate to so many things my "skinny" friends can't. I can see beauty in things other people just take for granted...because I KNOW that beauty is skin deep. I feel happy today!