ebony_teaches

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I'm not even really sure where to begin with what has transpired in my life. I had surgery again March 29, 2011 (242lbs).  I woke up and was told that my gallbladder had been removed.  It was nestled in scar tissue and not functioning.  It was supposed to be exploratory surgery to figure out why I keep having abdominal pains.  Well the gallbladder is gone and guess what, the pain is back so go figure.  I'm tired of being cut on and no weightloss.  To give a short history I had the lapband December 2005 (292lbs). It slipped July 2007 (239lbs) and I had that repaired and a hernia repair.  Experienced little to no weightloss and surgeon did a revision to gastric bypass December 2007 (252lbs).  I started working out with a personal trainer May 2008 (222lbs).  I worked out with him for a year and got down to 196lbs.  I had alot of loose skin but great muscle mass and little fat.  I purchased a home so the money for my trainer disappeared.  I had another hernia repair in 2009 or 2010 I can't remember I've been cut on so many times.  I am wondering if my pouch in fact was made small enough?  My surgeon has said yes and yes again.  I'm tired. I don't know what else to do. I need to work out.  I have been in graduate school for the past 2 1/2 years and I have finally graduated.  I pray I can take the time that was once dedicated to my night classes, to be used to return to the gym at least 4 times a week.  I have used many unhealthy vices to pacify my emotional needs (food, wine, shopping).  Again I am tired, tired, tired.  This has literally been my life.  Before weightloss surgery I lost 100lbs twice. Once before I went to high school then after the birth of my son.  My smallest lifetime weight was 176lbs.  I was a freshman in high school.  I weighed 252lbs in middle school.  I began to lose weight before I high school but became bulimic.  I gradaully gained all the weight I loss back. My the time I was a junior in college and married I was 304lbs.  I moved to New Orleans with my hubby and lived there for a year. By the time I moved home to Baton Rouge I weighed 331lbs.  I lost 30lbs working out with my hubby then I got pregnant with my son.  My pregnancy was a surprise because I have PCOS and was told that I would have difficulty getting pregnant.  I delivered my son on December 24, 2001 and weighed 331lbs at delivery.  My pregnancy weakened my heart and I began to see a cardiologist. He put me on a very strict diet for weightloss and I loss roughly 120lbs on his diet.  Then life happened, I divorced and ate my way back up to 292lbs then I had the lapband.  Well I'm sure my story sounds just like the next story posted on OH.  I am thinking about joining Weight Watchers.  I can't take diet pills due to having a prior heart condition, so I don't know what else to do.  I am also considering the HCG diet but I'm not totally convinced because anybody would lose a substantial amount of weight only eating 500 calories a day.  I must come to terms that I have not made lifestyle changes necessary enough to keep my weight down.  I accept that but feel paralyzed to do anything more.  I don't want to to another surgery. Quite frankly what surgeon would operate on me at this point.  I don't think I would go back to my surgeon. He is almost 1 1/2 away from where I live. I need to find a local surgeon.  I'm wondering if I could get a lapband ontop of my revision??????? Just venting.  I know this may not provide comfort to those seeking to initially have the surgery but I'm the person that everything wrong happens to.  So keep hope alive and make every day count to achieve happiness and the weightloss you desire.  I just need to tap into my inner strength so I can continue to fight. 

I had a revision of a revision July 27, 2010.  Unbelievable!!  I still can't believe it.  I went to my surgeon with severe gas pains in the back and side after every meal.  I was very gassy.  I said it sounded like intestinal blockage. I also discussed my 41lb weight gain in a year and a half of being post op from my revision done December 17, 2007. He said he would go in and find the blockages and reduce my pouch size.  When I woke up from surgery I was in excrusiating pain.  They found lots of scar tissue as usual in my upper abdomen and reduced my pouch to half the size it was according to the docs.  They reminded me in the hosiptal that this was like me starting all over again.  Liquid diet week 1, add protein on day 5 and so on.  I admit I wasnt mentally ready for this but I guess that's a good thing.  All I have in my mind is wearing the 12s and 14s in my closet that I could no longer fit. That was half of my closet filled with clothes that were just sitting there because I had gotten back into 18w/20w. I have jumped right into this because I truthfully have no choice. God is a God of second and third chances.  I am too blessed and it's unbelieveable that I have yet another chance at this fight.  Thank you God and Thank you Dr. Lavin and Dr. Reddmann. 

today is January 15th 2010.  I now weigh 220lbs.......speechless.. this time last year I was 30lbs smaller..the sad part is..this is surgery number 2.

Today makes 2 years post op from my revision surgery of lapbandto gastric bypass.  I weighed 252lbs the day of my surgery.  Today, 2 years later I weighed tonight as I got out of the tub and I weighed 221lbs.  Freakin unbelievable, but I have noone to blame but myself.  How do I fail at two weightloss surgeries?  Do I go for a 3rd?  What surgeon would touch me now?  Can I have my pouch/stoma tightened/shrunk what ever it is they do to it?  Is it my fate to never be under 200lbs???  I really appreciate where I was this time last year.  A year ago, this time, I weighed 196lbs.  191lbs on a good day.   I hate this struggle.  I have given up.....good nite...

Well I am five days from being 2 years post op from my revision surgery.  December 17th was my revision surgery from lapband to gastric bypass.  I am utterly disappointed with myself.  I have noone to blame for my failures but me!  Today I weigh 217lbs butt naked on a good day :(  Remember my smallest with this surgery was 191lbs.  I have gained 26lbs.  I would give anything to be back at the weight I was this time last year.  I've experienced so many mildstones over the past year of my life, both good and bad.  I'm still in graduate school.  That is the biggest reason why I don't have time to work out.  Am I making excuses????? Yes, I guess.  I will be honest with myself.  I haven't been taking the protein drinks like I used to.  Do you still have to at 2years post op. The thought of drinking one  makes me want to involuntarily vomit!!! I'm so disgusted with myself and so SCARED of gaining more weight.  I've got to stop now!   Where do I even begin?  How do I regroup and start all over.  I have so many clothes in my closet that I can't wear :(  I have size 14 and misses 16 that are soooo tight in the butt and thighs and waist.  I can't snap or zip or button any of those pants.  I had to go out and purchase 16w :(  What's wrong with this picture?  I have always felt like my pouch was too big!!! I want to have it checked.  I wonder what would my surgeon do if I saw that it was too big?  Would my insurance pay for a tighten up job????  If I had another procedure that would make 3 weightloss procedures.  Should I get a lapband put ontop of this stomach????  I never dumped the way I wanted to with gastric bypass.  My dumping only consisted of my sugar getting really low and my heart beating really fast until the food went through my intestines.  I just dealt with that and ate what I wanted to eat.  I hate what I see in the mirror body wise.  My cardiologist says that I have body dysmorphia.  She wrote a mantra for me to say daily to myself when i'm in the mirror "I am beautiful for who I am at this moment".  It's crazy that I'm having all the damn vitamin deficiences from this surgery but no weightloss.  My cardiologist said that I have basically starved my heart, that's why i'm having so many problems.  So many of the vitamins we have to take postop are essential for optimal heart health.  My cardiologist also said that she would not recommend gastric bypass to another patient of hers. She says she has too many female patients who've had the surgery who are now her patients because of the surgery!  I had the surgery to lose weight to take the load off of my heart, but it only seems to have created a whole new set of issues with my heart.  I ask myself retorically,  "would I do it again?"  I think maybe another procedure like the sleeve, that way there are no vitamin deficiencies, but my insurance doesnt pay for the sleeve. I am really wondering if I can have a lapband put on top of my pouch.  I am crazy for even thinking that right?  As if I don't remember the drama I had with my lapband being too tight and slipping and emergency surgeries!!!!!!  God, will weight always be the battle of my life????

Man it will be 2 years in december since my revision surgery.  It has been nothing like I thought it would be.  Today I weigh 213lbs.  I have the flu and I'm home in bed.  I went to the doctor on Wednesday and my weight fully clothed at mid day on their scale was 216lbs.  I am so frustrated. At this point I have no restriction. I feel like I can eat whatever I want.  I want to get phentrimine to suppress my appetite.  I had gotten down to 196lbs with this surgery.  That was my absolute smallest.  I wonder if I get back to that would I be happy?  Lord if I could get to 185lbs that would be my goal and a done deal for me.  Has anyone else taken pills to suppress their appetite post weightloss surgery? 

I have officially lost my mind.  I will be two years post op in December.  I have gained about 20lbs never reaching my Ial.  I experienced horrible side effects taking ambien cr to help me sleep.  I was sleep walking and binge eating while taking it.. I've been taking it for months so who knows how long i'e been eating in my sleep.  I am disgusted with myself.  /the smallest I had gotten down to was 191lbs on a good day! I have ballooned back up to 213l bs if not more.  It seems like my body is expanding every day!  I have completely forgotten how to eat and live like i've had rny done.  What makes all of this so terribly bad is that I'm already a revision patient.  I've always felt like from day one my pouch size was too big.  I felt like I could eat more than what I should.  'well now that I'm almost two years out, it's out of control... I actually have an appetite and get hungry with a vengqnce! Is there help out there for a person like me?  I wonder if my surgeon does the rose procedure? Hell he can at  least check to see if my pouch is too large.  I don't know what else to do and I'm so  afraid of gaining weight but not afraid enough to STOP EATING!  I haven't been on this site in sooo long.  Not even really sure why I got on here tonight.  Just tired and frustrated. It's so bad now that I take Alli the fat blocker to help minimize my weight gain... I wonder if my gp will prescribe an appetite suppresant.  I'm desperate and I don't know what to do....

Well today has finally come and gone.  I had gastric bypass a year ago today.  I was 252lbs the day of surgery.  I weighed 196lbs this morning.  I was 203lbs last night at the gym. What a failure.  What ever happened to people losing 100lbs the 1st year post op????? Why does this have to be so difficult.  It's all my fault. I have horrible eating habits..plain and simple.  I wonder if I can go in for a 3rd surgery??? Before this one gets out of hand.  I eat bread, carbs, pasta, cold drinks.  You name it I eat it!!! Just like a pig.  I bought Alli to combat my eating habits.  How sad!!! I had gastric bypass and still have to have an external measure like a diet pill!!!! It's the christmas holidays.  I have NO self control!  You give it to me so I eat it!!! and who's heard of protein these days?! What's that??? I havent had my protein drinks like I should. Quite frankly I'm am burned out on them!!! Chocolate, Vanilla, Strawberry, Pina Colada, Nectar, Whey shots..I'm sick of them ALL!!  I guess weight loss surgery just wasn't for me. I wouldn't be surprised if i've gained the 50lbs i've lost back in the next 3 to 5 years.  I guess I really faked the psychiatrist out on the psych eval.  You know what to say and what not to say during those evals.  Will there be a third surgery in my future???  I am glad for those who have been successful at the surgery.  I quite frankly felt like my pouch wasn't made small enough.  I asked the nurse practioner about it and she gave the spill about a man whose my age with rny can eat the same amount that I can eat and that an older female with rny will probably say that she can't eat alot.  Well I guess I'll have to have a revision surgery when I hit 40!!!  I really don't have too much to say.  I would say HAPPY SURGIVERSARY to me but there's nothing HAPPY about today.

I will be officially one year post op in about 17 days.  I had my surgery on December 17, 2007. I can't believe a year will almost be here.  My starting weight on that day was 252lbs.  Today I was 196lbs according to mother's scale butt naked.  My goal is 170lbs!!! Help how can I get there   I have a few rules for myself to help with that!!! Number one: drink more water!!!! Number two: stop eating chicken nuggets from Mc Donald's!!! Number three: 70grams of protein a day!!!  Number four: the gym is to be your home, you are to live there for at least 5-6 days a week!! Then and only then will Ebony see 170lbs that and the gracious surgical aide of a tummy tuck with bracioplasty!!!! Accepting monetary donations now.

201lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Let me say it again 201lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can you hear me screaming???? I can but you know what I can't blame anybody or have any excuses.  It is ALL my fault.  I'm so ashamed of myself.  I have gained 10lbs in  a matter of 3weeks.  I feel hopeless.  I want to blame it on my stomach. I feel like my pouch has stretched.  Well you say how did that happen Ebony?  I ate too much is my only reply to that. I have a serious problem.  I had the problem before surgery and it's still there. The surgeries are no magic cure for that compulsive over eating.  I am 11months post op today.  What a way to start my 11months post op!  I told my trainer I gained 10lbs and he was like wow we need to talk. We need to do more than talk!  I need my 8%! whooped. What scares me even more is that the holidays are like in my back yard. Forget being right around the corner!  What happened to me getting to my goal or half way there by my 1 year surgiversary.  I feel like such a failure with both of my surgeries.  Who's ever heard of someone having gastric bypass and only losing 60lbs???????? What happened to the 100lbs/150lbs.  I guess that part was up to me right.  I have been doing so many things wrong. I havent been drinking my 100oz of water or my 70-80 grams of protein.  I didn't do my vitamins at all this weekend.  I just feel hopeless right now.  What's it gonna take?  I have to fail at a second surgery and then have to have a third surgery? What will it be back to lapband on top of my RNY?? That's so sad or how about the ROSE procedure. Hell I don't even know if my surgeon or anybody in this area does this new procedure.  Then you know it's not covered by insurance and I don't quite have that kind of money to be paying out of pocket for that. So I guess I better get myself together right. I've said enough. I'll be running late for work.  Pray for me and my mouth and stomach and mind that they will all line up!