Definitely Needing a Reality Check

Jan 20, 2011

A few things have been going on lately that have been freaking me out. I think it's all normal, but for some reason I keep freaking out anyway.

First, I find that I'm able to eat again. Ever since the strictures I've been very very careful about eating and have been kind of afraid of food. Well, now I know that if drink my protein early in the day and get in an early snack, I'm usually fine throughout the rest of the day. And I can eat again. Don't get me wrong, it's great. But to be honest, even though I'm enjoying eating again and can handle most things pretty well I find that I wish I couldn't. I'm afraid of eating, not because I'm worried it's going to hurt, but because I'm afraid of what that means for the future. Yesterday I had my protein drink, some water, about 1 oz. of baked tortilla chips for a snack, a fish taco for lunch, about 1 oz. beef jerky for a snack, and about 3 oz. of baked tilapia for dinner, plus 1 cup of Lactaid 2% milk before bed. And my total caloric intake was 911 calories. That is by far the most I've consumed in one day since November 9th. Everywhere I've looked says that's normal and that at this point I should be between 800 and 1200 calories a day, but I have a hard time getting my head around that.

Now the real mind fuck comes from this. Right after my 2 month surgiversary I hit my first stall. I haven't lost any weight since then and it's freaking me out. I know. Stalls are normal. Expect stalls. Stalls don't mean you're doing anything wrong. But I can't help but associate this stall with my increase in calories. I know that I've lost about 60 pounds since the day of surgery, which I'm sure means my body is in starvation mode. 60 pounds is a lot to lose in such a short amount of time. But the whole "coincidence" of it all is killing me. I've been trying to up my exercise, but as a hairstylist I am just so tired after work I feel like I can barely do my normal exercise (walking only at this point), let alone adding more. As far as that goes, I really just need to stop making excuses. I've definitely increased my protein. Before I was barely making it to 30-40 grams, and now I'm averaging around 75 grams.

I haven't had much trouble with my head since surgery at all. I haven't felt regret or confusion, head hunger, mixed emotions, etc. I've felt pretty calm and cool about everything so far. And now I feel like I'm totally lost and out of control. I have an appointment with the surgeon in the beginning of February, so I'll talk to them about all this for peace of mind, but in the mean time I just had to get this out. I'm thinking about going to a therapist for some anti-anxiety meds and someone to talk to.

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