Danette W.
My weight has always been a problem for me. I weighed at the age of 11 217 pounds. I was always fat. I dreamed of being skinny. In my teens I would stand in front of mirror and draw lines on my body with a white marker to the silhouette that I wanted. And then I would cry and eat some more.
I know that most of my problem is psychological. I was raped when I was 6 and then sexually molested right until i turned 15. After that no one messed with me I was too big!!! I've nver been on a date and never had a relationship because of a poor self image. I kept myself fat and unattractive.
Another factor was being poor. We never knew if we were going to eat from one day to the next. When me and my brothers were young we would gorge on food when we had it. Afraid that it might not be there tomorrow. I know it doesn't make sense but we were kids. We knew that at some point during the month we were going to be living on puffed wheat and water or ketchup sandwiches if we could get the bread.
So during the intervening years I had some great counsellors who helped me understand myself so much. Now that I like myself better I want to shed the old me. I don't need this fat anymore.
I have tried all kinds of diets and weight loss groups. TOPS Weight watchers, overeaters anonymous, low carb, no carb, low cal. 800, 1000, 1200 calorie diets, eat 4 your blood type, body type, or ethnicity. Starving, gorging. Just a continuous merry go round of diets.
The only diet that ever helped me to shed pounds was when I was clinically depressed and the weight would fall off. But as soon as I was balanced again the weight would go up. Then I learned the depressive cycles were probably because I was diabetic.
So now I have diabetes, high blood pressure and sleep apnea. In other words I'm a mess.
I actually signed up for WLS about 4 years ago. I think it was. But the only doctor who was doing surgeries at the time became sick and then retired. Then about 1 1/2years ago (2 years ago) I heard that they started a pilot program for the gov of sask to do WLS. i signed up but had heard too late to be involved in the initial 15 month pilot program.
So i patiently waited until the end of the pilot program. I called and they told me I was 30th on the list. Very happy I was!! Then I got the call in October of 2009 to start the 6 month assessment period. My first appointment was November 22, 2009.
Going through the program I learned a lot but still struggled to lose weight. At the 6 month appointment on June 2, 2010 I gained 3 pounds. I had actually gained more than that but was back on my way down.
Oh yeah I forgot to mention that I had quit smoking October 22 and was having a difficult time not eating at night. I am still struggling with that. But from every struggle I learned something.
When I went ot my last appoinment I was so afraid they were not going to approve my surgery because i had gained weight. I could feel the tears burning the back of my eyes through the whole process. Finally in the afternoon I saw the surgeon. They had approved the surgery. i was soooo stoked.
I had been in communicating with one woman who started in the same group as me. I learned that her surgery had been booked for June 28, I called to inquire about my surgery. No date you'll have to wait 2 to 4 more months. i was crushed again. I felt like i have been waiting for this surgery all my life now they are telling me that I had to wait more. The other woman getting in so soon after our last appointment was a huge blow. I thought maybe that I had done something and that they weren't going to do the surgery.
So I kept struggling along with my diet. And then on July 9th I phoned the assessment centre and asked if I had been released for surgery. I couldn't stand it if I was waiting this long and then they would have told me I had another hoop to jump through.
Yeah I know negative thoughts. It's hard to change the patterns of a lifetime.
The nurse told me I was next on the list!!! Again with the elation. That my surgery would be on August 9, 16 or 23. She couldn't tell me for sure because the Health region did the actual sheduling.
I got home from work and there was a message from the surgial scheduler, could I please call them back. Of course by the tiime I get home from work they are long gone. So I patiently waited until the next day and Kim the scheduler (god bless her) told me that my surgery was scheduled for August 9.
So how do you think I felt then. Bet you thought again with the elaition. WRONG I was scared shitless. I want to be ready. I'm scared of failing. I'm not actually scared of the surgery itself, its the after that terrified me!! I had met people who had failed and stopped losing weight within 2 months of the surgery. I DON'T WANT TO FAIL.
So I have been doing a lot of thinking. This blog is a HUGE step for me. I'm always scared to write my life down because it makes everything real and my life was too real as it was. So here I am blogging. For me.
My next step is the liquid diet. I DON'T WANT TO FAIL. I can do this damned liquid diet. Its only two weeks. I quit smoking damn it and I loved smoking.
So I've been writing this for sometime and my eyes are getting sore. I've been staring at a computer monitor all day at work.
So here's to skinny baby.
