Danette W.

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My hair is starting to fall out.  Good thing I have lots.  I know it'll grow back.

Okay I changed my mind about the support group.  I went to the board of directors meeting today and feel more energized.  I'd been feeling really dispirited about the support group due to the fact that so many people didn't come to the support meetings.  I really appreciated the ones that did come but I guess I felt there was no commitment from the rest of the group.  After the board meeting today I have a more optimistic outlook about the group.  The people seemed more engaged than I realized.  Hopefully we'll be able to draw more members into the group.

I guess that I have realized the fact that I do need more people in my life.  I realized that being as alone as I have been contributed to my obesity.  Food was my friend.  Why not draw people into my life who have been through and struggled with the same things as I have.  We all realized that our weight was killing us and did something about it.

I was a little surprised about the fact that someone had bought food that I just don't think was appropriate for the meeting.  Someone brought these mini white chocolate covered cream cheese carrot cake muffins.  I realize they were just little but I'm a food addict and it doesn't take much to throw me off centre.  I did make a few noises about it but didn't come out and say outright that I thought that it was inappropriate. 

It was an appetizer meeting and I ate a whole lot more than I should have.  I engaged my championship grazing behavior.  I picked for two hours and tried to keep a mental tally.  When I got home I added it up and it was almost 1000 calories...for one meal.   Next meeting I'm going to have to remove myself from the food area.  How am I going to cope when I go back to work and have to deal with food days and department lunches, BBQ's and lunches?

I was stuck for awhile at about 274 but have finally started to go down again.  I have my 6 week meeting with the surgeon and dietician on Sept 22 and back to work on Sept 27.

I'm such a weirdo.  I don't want to be alone but I don't want to go back to work and have to deal with people all day.

I have cheated on my diet but try not to let it go over 1000 calories (twice).  I'm managing to keep it at 500 to 600 calories for the most part.  I try to take gratification from the weight loss but sometimes I feel that I am once again going to fail at this like I've failed at most weight loss plans.  And believe me I know that I can fail at this.  I've seen it for myself in others. 

I'm hoping that being at work will stablized my eating patterns.  Back to 3 meals a day and 2 snacks.  I'm gonna have to really work at eating breakfast every day.

Oh Yeah and I miss carbonated beverages!!!  Just to feel the cool fizz of a diet pepsi tickling my throat.  I was told I could drink it flat but it's not the same thing without the bubbles.  I can hardly wait to start drinking pop again.  MMM maybe it might be something I can't tolerate. 

I had theater popcorn on Thursday and hooo boy I won't be doing that again too soon.  Talk about gas city.  I was farting my life away.  Good think I live alone because I would have left me due to smell alone.
Oh yeah speaking of smell.  Man oh Man my shit stinks now.  It's putrid.  I can't believe it and my stools are also really, really pale.  I'm assuming that this is because of the malsorbtion issues.  Weird thing to talk about but it is a part of my WLS journey so I should document it.

I'm going to start investigating protein bars for snacks.  Maybe if I find the right ones it'll feel like I'm eating chocolate bars.  I'm a big fan of Bernard Callebaut chocolate and miss it like crazy.  Doesn't help that when I look out the window every day I can see it the store.  It's less than 1/2 block from my place to the store.

I don't notice much difference in my size.  The tape measure shows lost inches but I don't feel like I've lost a damned thing.  My clothes are so baggy anyway that you don't notice the weight loss anyway.  I guess I think I've been this weight before and I just gained it all back and I'm waiting for the point where I feel the weight loss.  I'm thinking that breaking the 270 barrier will help.  I haven't weighed that little since I was about 21.  I guess I have to psych myself out to know that 269 is a huge step for me.  Then 250 then the world!!!

I'm wondering at this stage if it was wise for the surgeon to stop all my diabeties meds.  My blood sugars have been high every day.  8.5 to 9.8 when I wake up in the am.  I think that i might have to go back on meds for awhile.  I'm not sure if I should talk to the surgeon or my own GP.  I will get the opportunity on Wednesday to talk to the surgeon.  I haven't seen my surgeon since the surgery and even then it was for like about 2 minutes before they knocked me out.


Thin you Later.

I'm feeling better now.  I kicked that depression's ugly ass out the door and am energized.  I think that I was probably just lonely.  I've been spending most of my days at home by myself with only facebook and the TV to keep me company.  I guess I could've reached out.  It's not like I have a lack of people who understand me.

I've decided to remove myself from my support group.  I'm going to try to be there to the people who are currently in my life but I find it too exhausting.  I'm a loner who doesn't like too many people in my life.  It makes me tired just thinking about it.  Too many people too much drama.

I'm still losing weight but it's slowed down a bit.  But then I've been cheating on my diet a little bit but not too seriously.  I really, really miss fruit and veggies.  A peach or two has made it into my diet.

I've tried to eat beef and it looks like beef is gonna have to ground from now or until it quits coming back up the way it went in.

I'm having problems with the chew thing.  I find myself eating way too fast and man does it hurt.  I'm gonna have to cut my food up before I sit down.  It's so hard to change the habits of a life time.

I wore a shirt yesterday that I couldn't do up a couple of months ago.  How gratifying that was!!!  I really need to get a full sized mirror so I can watch myself shrink.  I only have 1 mirror in  the house and that's the small mirror on the medicine cabinet.  So this is a big step for me as well as I bought a scale.  A SCALE me.  Life is strange sometimes.

I can hardly wait to get to 250lbs I won't weighed that much since I was about 25.  Then bye bye 200's.  Those pounds can kiss my ass on the way out!!!

Danette

I'm having a bad day.  I can feel depression breathing down my neck.  I so tired and just can't seem to get enough sleep but have slept so much that I can't sleep any more.  I just wish that I had more energy.  It's an effort just to go an check my mail.  On top of it I'm having trouble with diarrhea today.  I've looked a my food log an there's nothing on there that I should be getting diarrhea problems now.  Nothing new since I started the stage 4 diet.

I have to try and get energized for tomorrow.  There is a tatoo cancer challenge where you get a tatoo of the ribbon in support of the fight against the cancer of  your choice.  I'm going with a another friend made though this bariatric journey. 

I'm also a little depressed because I don't feel a lot of support from my family.  Since I've been home I've asked for minimal help and the things I do ask for seem to be such a big deal.  Like I need a ride to the hardware store to get new legs for my couch.  It's an hour by bus but only 10 minutes if you drive.  I'm asking for a single hour.  One hour of time.  Then people who said they would help me during my convalescene have suddenly become very busy.  I'm not asking for a huge output of time.  Just an hour some times less.  I can hardly wait until I am cleared to do this stuff myself.

I keep forgotting to take my blood sugars.  Maybe it's related to that.  I'll have to set up some kind of alarm to remind myself to take my blood sugar everyday. 

I'm also feeling very hungry.  It's like I'm craving something that I'm not getting.  I'm sticking to the diet pretty closely.  I even took my scale to a vietnamese restaurant to weight out the beef in from the soup to make sure I wasn't eating too much.

I hope these feeling pass soon.  I also keep feeling like I'm going to cry at the slightest provocation.  Like tears are just pushing against the back of  my eyes. 

Lets hope this doesn't go any further.

Danette

Well it was 3 weeks on Monday since I had my surgery.  I'm down 24 pounds since the start of the liquid diet (July 26) and down 14 pounds since the surgery.  I've lost (Aug 9) about 14 pounds since surgery.  That's almost 5 pounds a week.  The nutritionist says that this won't keep up but I should be losing about 2 pounds a week when my body settles down from the surgery.

Right now my whole life is about food.  Needing to either eat or drink almost every hour of the day.  I guess that I am looking forward to not having food be the focus of my whole life.  I am not having any trouble meeting my protein or fluid goals which seems to be a common theme of my friends who have also had the surgery.

The surgery is still on my mind as I have had weird thoughts that they haven't actually done anything to my stomach.  That it's all a psychological ploy to change my eating habits.  I thought that I was being weird but another friend also expressed having the same thoughts. 

One thing about this surgery is that I've cultivated a whole new circle of friends.  I'm glad they are there as theu give me a sounding board to bounce ideas with people who have been there.  Most are so excited about their new lives and the difference this surgery is making in their lives.  Most are down about 70-80 pounds but they are also counting the weight they lost pre surgery.  So about 2 months out it appears they have lost 40 pounds.  I just wish I had managed to lose weight before surgery.  But then I guess that's why I needed this surgery.

I have only had one really bad instance where on the first day I was allowed to have solid food.  I ate a piece of fish and didn't chew it properly.  It just stuck there in my chest and felt like a baseball.  Then whoops it all just came back up.  No feeling of nausea just the pain of feeling like something is stuck and up it came. 

I had intended to keep this blog a bit more faithfully and record all that I was feeling after surgery but now I can't think of the things I thought were important then. 

Now people are coming to me and are asking me questions and it's funny how a lot of their concerns were my concerns almost word for word.  The questioniing of whether they are doing the right thing.  The perception of time when you are waitng of and them getting the date. 

I have been at home for the past 3 weeks and am looking forward to having the next 4 weeks off.  I don't have to be back at word until Sept 27.  I wish that I never had to work again.  This break has made me realize how much my job affects me.  I'm really going to have to look at changing jobs when I get back to work.  I just hate the rejection process that you go through in applying for jobs.  Particulary when the employers are now intent on hiring from outside the company.  I don't even think its fair any more.  But that's a whole other issue not for here.

I promise to try to keep this up more.

Well it's been 9 days since my surgery and you know what I don't feel a whole lot different at his point. Just after I had the surgery and was groggy and in pain and right until I left the hospital I asked myself what the F have I done to myself.  What have I done to myself.  I thought that it would all be clear once I got the surgery but I was still just as conflicted after the surgery.

Now am I 9 days out of surgery I really don't feel that different.  I'm not suffering any of the things others have had.  No pain.  I'm not really feeling hunger but still feel the urge to eat.  Smells drive me insane. 

I went to a movie yesterday with my cousin and little cousinettes and the smell of popcorn almost drove me crazy until I got into the movie and then I totally forgot about it.  I did lick 2 or 3 Doritos.  I wanted the taste and I don't even like Doritos.

I'm still sorting out the drugs thing.  The most wonderful thing that has happened from the surgery is that I no longer have to take the insulin shots, metformin or any high blood pressure.  My Diabeties appears to be in remission but when I take my blood sugar levels it still seems high to me.  Usually 6.9 to 7.2 in the morning and around 8 to 9.5 at random times during the day.   I did get a 4.3 this morning. 

NAP ATTACK be back in about  hours.

Today was a long day for me.  I had an appointment with my GP today.  I needed to figure which prescriptions I could have and which I didn't need anymore.  I like my GP Dr. Bibi and she works with me well, listens to me and treats me like a human bean (yeah I know being) but she is so damned late all the time.  My appointment was 1:20, she finally called me to a room at 2pm (and this is record, I mean record time) I then sat in that room for another 45 minutes.  Ah well. 

I actually walked about 6 long blocks today.  Regina blocks.  They are long!!!  So by the time I stopped at the bank, picked up my prescriptions I didn't get home until nearly 4:30.  By the time I got home I thought I was going to pass out and my stomach was starting to hurt pretty bad.  I think I may have overdone and sure in the silly hope that I don't pay for this tomorrow.  This by the way has put me behind the 8 ball with my protein shakes today.   I am 2 behind.  I didn't get up until 10am.  My fluid goals are right up there.

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Day two in the hospital.  I still haven't had anything by mouth and had been subsisting on the IV alone.  Guess what not even a smidge of hunger.  None Nada.

Okay I just lost about 45 minutes of typing.  It froze and I had to log off.  Shit, Shit, Shit.  Now I have to try and remember what the heck I said.

I had to wait for an xray to see if the seals on my surgery sites were true and not leaking.  I also got that freaking catheter out.  I hate catheters. 

They gave me a hat to pee in. .  Actually they put one of those sleeves that you put in the toilet to collect your pee.  Once I was peeing on my own I couldn't figure out why the heck I was peeing so much.  I hadn't had anything to drink since midnight on the 8 (9th?).  It had never occurred to me that waste from your blood was excreted through your urinary system.

I've typed this damned thing 3 times each time getting more and more pissed that I have to rethink the g.d. thing to try and remember what I said and where the hell I was going with it.  It all started going wonky when I tried to sign in for the damned chat with the bariatric buddies.  Made my computer go f***ed up.  Never did get to chat.

Anyways on Tuesday was when I finally got to have my first drink.  I was allowed a whopping 30mls (2 tablespoons)of water per hour.  That wasn't until 8pm Tuesday night.  So I hadn't had a anything by mouth from midnight Monday until 8pm Tuesday night.

My water, as I said, was 30mls per hour.  I was only up for about 2 hours  after they introduced the water so I only had about 90mls all day.

Wednesday was the change day.  My old buddy and soulmate the pain pump big adeiu today.  I was kinda sad but I felt pretty good and had been walking around for the past couple of days.  My pain was still around a 5 or 6 but I learning to live with it so it wasn't as big deal.  I know it only has to make sense to me.  My water  was increased to 90mls per hour.  I had no trouble getting that in. 

The one thing about this hospital stay that really bugged me was inconsistency.  One nurse would come in and say that something would happen then it wouldn't.  Or like I was told that I would get only 90mls of water until Thursday and then on Wednesday supper a tray with SF jello and herbal tea show up.  Do I eat it do I leave it?  I ask 2 nurses they both say they'll check and they just never come back.  I wish Scott was there through the whole thing.  He took great care of me.

One of the other things that happened is about 6 people asked me if I had allergies.   I told each and everyone of them I was lactose intolerant.  So when I got to have shakes on Thursday what happens they come mixed with 2% milk.  So I tell 2 different nurses that I'm lactose intolerant and these shakes are made with 2% milk.  I ended up drinking 2 of the shakes because I wanted to stay on track.  Finally my nutritionist showed up and I told her about the 2% milk and she made a single call to the kitchen and they sent me a batch of shakes made with soy.  It took her one phone call and less than 3 minutes to change this but the nurses couldn't have bothered.  I should have shit in their stupid hat. 

One the things that made me laugh is that so many people were interested as to whether I had "passed gas" or pooped.  I know this shows that your bowels are working after their shortening and relocating but damn.  That was ridiculous I was so glad to finally say I passed gas on and pooped Thursday night.  Everyone else seemed delighted as well.

Okay, so now before I leave I have to talk to a hospital pharmcist to explain that I can no longer have nsaids or extended release drugs and no drugs that can't be cut up to the size of a tic tac.  So I'm waiting patiently on Friday my bags are packed from 9am on.  I want to go home.  I ask the residents, the nurses and having learned my lesson's well I bugged them crazy.  Finally at quarter to 12 the pharmacist shows up and say she didn't know I was waiting for her until 15 minutes before when someone finally called her to tell her to come down..  Of course it only was resolved when Scott came back on shift and I went to him he had the pharmacist to me within 15 minutes of me going to him.

I'm trying to think of any other things that happened but I guess that will come.  I've been writing this all day it seems including 3 rewrites.

So I packed my bags and left the hospital.

Visitors
I received some beautiful flowers from work.  And another beautiful bouquet of flowers from a lovely lady I met at the SBSG meeting on Aug 6th.  It was really surprising because I had only met her at the meeting on Saturday and here she was sending me these lovely flowers.  Some people are so damned kind.  Then the visits started.  While I really appreciated everyone coming out to support me it was really hard to concentrate because of the pain, the drugs and all the emotional and physical changes I was going through.  

The first visit was from my sister in law.  She brought me some puzzle books and a nice light fluffy magazine.  I actually didn't touch the puzzle book until late the last night.  I just couldn't concentrate long enough.

The second visit was someone I don't really care for and I was surprised that she came.  I think it was just curiosity rather than concern for me.  Yeah i really don't like her.  I'm just glad that I was not so far gone (drugwise) my edit button not been shut off.  That edit button has saved me quite a bit in the past.  It has been know to get stuck a time or two.  She brought me a carnation bowl.  It was cute.  I was gracious (I think). 

The third visitor was a woman who had gone through the surgery last October.  She had had a multitude of complications through her whole surgery.  She went from a size 28 to a size 9 but her life was destroyed by the surgery because she didn't get her health.  She was the one who I thought had bailed on me on Monday.  It turns out that she was actuallly in the hospital battling a mystery pain and had only been let out that on Tuesday.  I really appreciate having her in as part of my journey.  It can be very weird for people to put out nothing but sunshine and flowers.  Very real life changing things can and do happen.  Some of these things can be bad.

I think I'll just cover all the visitors in random order now because I can't remember the order in which they came.

One pack of visitors, 3 of my co-workers, came in a big clump.   Just before they came in I was battling with pain and serious nausea.  It was bad timing because I had to squash everything I was feeling...mash on my happy face and be the gracious host. Especially since one was my boss.  It was a surprise to see the lone male in our department come too.  He actually left within about 20 minutes.  The other 2 stayed awhile longer until I actually had to ask them to leave so I could get something for the nausea that was threatening to spew watered foam all over the big kahuna.  I didn't think I could hide it anymore.

There were 2 more people from the support group.  I really value these visitors because all of them had been through the same journey as me but all walked very different paths and while a similar experience they could each write a series of very different books with very different results.  

Another woman from the support group who has made this journey on a paralell path.  We both started the program at the same time.  She actually had her surgery on June 28th.  I feel a sense of kinship with her.  Hopefully I will be as sucessfull as she has been .  She was a bit upset because she had not lost weight for the first week since she had her surgery.  I think she has lost almost 70lbs including her pre-surgery weight loss.  

Lets see.  My brother showed up twice.  Plus he came to pick me up to go home on....Friday the 13th.  My foster mom, and my buddy Sue B. one of my very favorite people on earth.  I know I don't mean quite the same to her but that's okay.  My life is better for knowing her.  Obviously she doesn't know about this blog!!!

Now that I think about the visitors I know that the second day was still too soon for so many visitors.  I was still feeling pain and nausea. 

But first a break from a this is my life segment:

Darned these morning meds and vitamins are crazy for me to get down in the morning. It took me 1 1/2 hours to get all the drugs and vitamins down my gullet yesterday.  Hopefully it'll go a little smoother today. 

1. cut the size of a tictac. For me half that size works.
2. swallow each millionth of pill with water that you can only take a smalll sip from and god forbid you should accidentally gulp it.
3. dissolve that other pill under your tounge.
4 chew your vitamins,
5 drink your calcium.
plus you have to get that morning protein shake in. At least its now just 1/2 a cup a t time but 8 times a day. Whew weee.

I was crazy bored yesterday after spending so I went to my bad place...THE CASINO (swelling of big ominous music here)  . I spent about 5 hours there. Usually I lose my shirt there but I managed to come out only $100 behind. Believe me that's a good thing and it wouldn't have been that much if I didn't have to pass by a million machines on the way out. I lost that hundred on the way out the door. If had have just put my head down and headed straight out like I was gonna do I probably would have made it out $20 ahead. Ah such a foooll am I.
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  I woke up into my own private room at 1:30pm and there were about 5 nurses all around me.  Looking down at me.  I looked around and said "Damn, how he heck did I manage to get a private room?"  One of them said "Don't ask".  MMmmm should that puzzle me now?  I wasn't in too much pain.  Then this gorgeously handsome nurse named Scott stuck his head right into my face and ask me if there was anything he could do for me.  In to my thoughts popped "Anything "  How could I be randy after surgery?  

I then looked around and saw my old friend the pain pump.  She and I were going to become very very close over the next couple of days.  Unfortunately not as close as we should have because at some point during that day I didn't pay enough attention to her and the pain overwhelmed me.  From that point forward it was an ongoing battle against the pain for the next couple of days.  

I don't remember a whole lot about the rest of the day.  It was a blur of bloodtests and nurses yelling at me.  Then Dr. Pooler came down and said oh the way I'm on vacation for the rest of the week and so is Dr. Kaban.  Great and of course in my impaired state of mind I made a big deal of it in my head.  He assured me he was gonna check on my every day by phone and did. 
I'm writing this only a week after it happened and it feels like it's already slipping away.  Funny how that happens.  When you're in the thick of it you believe you'll never forget. 

The other thing that was a surprise was that I woke up with these things on my legs that gave them a constant massage from angle to thigh.  It felt good but after almost 2 days it got to be a little irritating.  It was non-stop motion.  It was also set up to do random vibrations on both legs.  Kinda like one of those multifunction vibrators you can get now a days.  Don't ask me how I know. .  They use them to stop deep vein thrombosis because you don't move a whole lot after surgery when you are sleeping or drugged out. I

About 8pm on Monday I was really tired of lying on my back so I insisted that they help me get up. With a little help from the nurses I got up and out of bed and moved around the room. It. Felt. So. Damned. Good.  But you sure know quickly when you've had enough.  

Then I was pretty much slipping in and out of sleep until the next day

So That's about enough for Surgery Monday.

Danette 

I'm so tired right now.  sleep for three days solid and then haven't slept more than 5 straight in the last 2 days..

Okay got home from the hospital yesterday and actually didn't get to rest until about 10pm.  Had so much stuff to straighten out.  Drugs, vitamins, groceries and of course replying to the shout outs on FB. 

I actually slept really well last night until about 8 in the morning.  It was great to sleep without the nurses slamming in an out of the room all night.  Actually they stayed out between midnight and five am sorta. 

Okay the surgery day.  I didn't manage to sleep the whole night because I was cleaning my apartment for when I got home.  I'm not exactly the neatest person in the world but so it took awhile.  I actually finished about 3am then it was too late to try to sleep as I had to be at the hospital by 6:30am.  I would have slept in. 

So I just kinda aimlessly watched TV and tried not to think about it.  Pink Elephants.  Every now and then a tremble of fear would grip my body and mind.  Am I doing the right thing?   AM I DOING THE RIGHT THING???  I wasn't scared of the surgery itself.  It was the result.  I think I've been banging on about that a lot though this blog but believe me it's not over.

My cousin came with me.  She asked me to phone her at 5am to make sure she was up.  I called her at 5 but no answer.  I was wondering if maybe she had forgot to bring the phone into her bedroom.  I left a message and then called her back again and again no answer.  Inside I was a little relieved.  I wasn't sure if I really wanted someone with me.  Anyway I left a 2nd message saying that I would try one more time and if she didn't answer then that I was going alone. (it was nearly 5:30 by then). So I tried a 3rd time and just as the answering machine was going to click in she answered.  She had been up for the first 2 calls but for some reason hadn't heard the phone. Okay so I went and picked her up in a cab.

We went to the pre admissions clinic and started the process, because the clinic had done all the questions and blood work the 2 weeks before (when I started the liquid diet) there was a minimal amount of things to do. 

They took me to a room and gave me a HUGE gown.  I'm so happy my ass wasn't sticking out all over .  The nurse was very mmmm what's the word brusque(?).  Not very warm.  She tells me okay change into the gown and I'll be back.  Take your clothes and put them in this bag take your valuables, watch, jewellery and the like and put them in this envelope.  She asks me a bunch of questions about my identity, what surgery I was getting and when I started my diet who my surgeon was and other verification questions.

A different nurse comes back and says what's in this envelope?  I look at her and said my valueables.  The other nurse said to put my watch jewellery, money etc into the envelope.  This nurse says no this is envelope is for your glasses.  If you have valuables they should go in the vault.  Well my $15 watch and $30 cash is hardly valuables.  So I take my stuff out and put my glasses in.  I then tried to give her all my drugs that they told me I should bring and give to the nurse when I checked in.  She didn't want them.  They didn't even look at them so I'm not sure why they even asked me to bring them.  They just sat in my suitcase the whole time.  I wasn't very impressed with them. 

The 2nd nurse then proceeded to ask me the same questions as the first and I was glad to hear that.  Would want to wake up with a sex change now would I?  They then took me to be weighed I was 133.7kg down from 138.2kgs.  I'd lost 10 pounds on that liquid diet!!!   Is that all?  I felt like I should have lost 40 for all that work.  Just kidding I was stoked I had lost the weight.

They then started an IV I was so impressed with that.  The last time I had surgery they stuck me 20 times before getting a line in the wrist.  They got a line on the hand that no one is ever able to get blood from.  I was so prepared for some serious pain that is usually involved for IV's for me.  

In the mean time my cousin wasn't really much help.  She made me laugh a couple of times but I had a feeling she resented me.  I think I would have been better off to go in on my own.  I really only had to sit for about 1/2 an hour every other minute was filled with something.

I was still waiting for them to give me the happy juice that would relax me.  I found out later that you had to request that prior to surgery.  Too bad no one told me before.  I could have used it.  My surgery was eight and they put me on the gurney at 7:30 and wheeled me to the operating room.  I kinda like that part because of all the pictures drawn on the ceiling on the way to the operating room.

A nurse named Varla came and greeted me an assured me in a warm voice that they would take very good care of me.  I was impressed with her in the operating room.  She made me feel as comfortable as you possibly could in this situation.   She had a great accent turns out she was from Jamacia.  I guess I always associate Jamacian accents with blacks but she was fair.  She then struggled with the operating bed which seemed like it was miles too small. 

Then the aenestheseologiest (or however you spell it) came in.  My handsome skinny doctor (both our bariatric surgeons are really skinny).  Comes and looks at me asks me how I was doing and then the mask was on my face and I was out.

During all this I was saying to myself am I doing the right thing?  Am I doing the right thing?  AM I DOING THE RIGHT THING.  Right until the lights went out.  Funny but I didn't smell it this time.

Next time...Waking up.

Today is my surgery.  In about 2 hours.  I was okay but I'm now scared shitless...literally.  I keep telling myself I am making the right decision.  This has been a long process and now people are coming out of the woodwork to tell me how their surgery went wrong.  They couldn't have said something before the day before surgery. 

Well I square my shoulders with determination and sling my bag over my shoulder and am marching to the door and jumping into a cab.  Good thing I don't drive or I'm not sure if I could start the car.

Of course my support from the group just called and bailed on me as I was writing this.  Good thing I asked my cousin to come.  Maybe I should do this on my own and not take anyone.

Bye guys.  Danette