Changed My Mind

Sep 19, 2010

Okay I changed my mind about the support group.  I went to the board of directors meeting today and feel more energized.  I'd been feeling really dispirited about the support group due to the fact that so many people didn't come to the support meetings.  I really appreciated the ones that did come but I guess I felt there was no commitment from the rest of the group.  After the board meeting today I have a more optimistic outlook about the group.  The people seemed more engaged than I realized.  Hopefully we'll be able to draw more members into the group.

I guess that I have realized the fact that I do need more people in my life.  I realized that being as alone as I have been contributed to my obesity.  Food was my friend.  Why not draw people into my life who have been through and struggled with the same things as I have.  We all realized that our weight was killing us and did something about it.

I was a little surprised about the fact that someone had bought food that I just don't think was appropriate for the meeting.  Someone brought these mini white chocolate covered cream cheese carrot cake muffins.  I realize they were just little but I'm a food addict and it doesn't take much to throw me off centre.  I did make a few noises about it but didn't come out and say outright that I thought that it was inappropriate. 

It was an appetizer meeting and I ate a whole lot more than I should have.  I engaged my championship grazing behavior.  I picked for two hours and tried to keep a mental tally.  When I got home I added it up and it was almost 1000 calories...for one meal.   Next meeting I'm going to have to remove myself from the food area.  How am I going to cope when I go back to work and have to deal with food days and department lunches, BBQ's and lunches?

I was stuck for awhile at about 274 but have finally started to go down again.  I have my 6 week meeting with the surgeon and dietician on Sept 22 and back to work on Sept 27.

I'm such a weirdo.  I don't want to be alone but I don't want to go back to work and have to deal with people all day.

I have cheated on my diet but try not to let it go over 1000 calories (twice).  I'm managing to keep it at 500 to 600 calories for the most part.  I try to take gratification from the weight loss but sometimes I feel that I am once again going to fail at this like I've failed at most weight loss plans.  And believe me I know that I can fail at this.  I've seen it for myself in others. 

I'm hoping that being at work will stablized my eating patterns.  Back to 3 meals a day and 2 snacks.  I'm gonna have to really work at eating breakfast every day.

Oh Yeah and I miss carbonated beverages!!!  Just to feel the cool fizz of a diet pepsi tickling my throat.  I was told I could drink it flat but it's not the same thing without the bubbles.  I can hardly wait to start drinking pop again.  MMM maybe it might be something I can't tolerate. 

I had theater popcorn on Thursday and hooo boy I won't be doing that again too soon.  Talk about gas city.  I was farting my life away.  Good think I live alone because I would have left me due to smell alone.
Oh yeah speaking of smell.  Man oh Man my shit stinks now.  It's putrid.  I can't believe it and my stools are also really, really pale.  I'm assuming that this is because of the malsorbtion issues.  Weird thing to talk about but it is a part of my WLS journey so I should document it.

I'm going to start investigating protein bars for snacks.  Maybe if I find the right ones it'll feel like I'm eating chocolate bars.  I'm a big fan of Bernard Callebaut chocolate and miss it like crazy.  Doesn't help that when I look out the window every day I can see it the store.  It's less than 1/2 block from my place to the store.

I don't notice much difference in my size.  The tape measure shows lost inches but I don't feel like I've lost a damned thing.  My clothes are so baggy anyway that you don't notice the weight loss anyway.  I guess I think I've been this weight before and I just gained it all back and I'm waiting for the point where I feel the weight loss.  I'm thinking that breaking the 270 barrier will help.  I haven't weighed that little since I was about 21.  I guess I have to psych myself out to know that 269 is a huge step for me.  Then 250 then the world!!!

I'm wondering at this stage if it was wise for the surgeon to stop all my diabeties meds.  My blood sugars have been high every day.  8.5 to 9.8 when I wake up in the am.  I think that i might have to go back on meds for awhile.  I'm not sure if I should talk to the surgeon or my own GP.  I will get the opportunity on Wednesday to talk to the surgeon.  I haven't seen my surgeon since the surgery and even then it was for like about 2 minutes before they knocked me out.


Thin you Later.

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