Cynthia T.

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I am keeping this link forever.  I went on the message board and said that I feel like a shoe.  I am wanting some V-day love.  Man did I get it.

Helps.  Wish I was not petty and for some reason this year V-day did not bother me, but it does.  I am petty.  I will take all the love I can coax my way this year. 

Add to the link if ya want.  I would love it. It does help.

http://obesityhelp.com/forums/LapBand/a,messageboard/action,replies/board_id,5359/cat_id,4959/topic_id,3216633/

Ok, well, its been 6 months today.  I was slow about posting, because I have a case of the Uglies today, and am not losing much with my band freakin' wide open.  Been quite a bit of a journey.  I am still glad I did it.  Next week I am getting my 50 pound hair-do, no it should not weigh 50 pounds, its for losing 50.  Or 46 as I am today, ugh.  I am having some pics taken.  On Valentines day too. 

I think this is life-changing.  I am keeping perspective, knowing that in 3 years this day will not be such a deal. But I am surprised how fast it has gone, and how much we have done together. Me and ole' Bandiva. 

I love the band, and any other day I would go on and on about how great it is.  Its just a feeling ugly day, but yet the bandiversary, so I am recognizing it. 

Folks have been more than kind, and one thing they did not tell me when I got this little piece of plastic in was how many friends come with it.

Imead should include that in the promotional lit.


I am on softs now, and it would appear that I can eat ALOT of em.  I go to the dr. next week, no fill, but he gets to say, hey how are ya?  I will say fine then maybe I can eat a cheeseburger.

I will be calling the dr. to move off of liquids.  Do you think 4am is too early to call?  I miss meat.  I doubt he will approve meat.  I probably have to do soft stupid foods.  I am about to go Ozzy Ozborn on a chicken.  Here birdie birdie.......

AND AND AND if you can believe this I GAINED 2 pounds on LIQUID!  YA Freakin kiddin me.  Damn milk.

Ok, so I am a bit grumpy.  But I see it so that makes it ok. I can be a jerk if I recognize I am being a jerk right?   I have been good and I have not killed anyone, not even the clerks who brought sandwiches to work.  They are still at home, all eating large chunks of meat.  Drool.

I am sipping on tea.  MMMMMM satisfying. Yum.  Go ahead be jealous.

I am learning that I need to talk about wt. loss or people wont say nothing.  By happenstance today I mentioned (without thinkin, fancy that) That I have lost 50 pounds,  ----or 48-- damn milk---and people are all saying "yeah I noticed, but I was afraid to say anything!!!"  I wonder if people think I have a disease or something.  Or the PC world has made it impossible to give a compliment anymore.  So if no one notices that you have lost, maybe they are just scared of you. They think you are hot, but too scared you will sue em.

I won't sue you.  Go ahead and tell me I am hot.  I can take it.

I would really like it if you told me that while holding a bacon double with guacamole.---for me, not you.

I was body image-psychotic today.  One minute I was looking at my reflection, going, is that really me?  My coat HANGS on me now.....and then the next minute (or very close to the next minute) I was going dang my tummy is huge. So weird.  I mean I have like 23 strange little moments like, hey, look at my elbows. they are smaller....then, I am about looking at my thighs going, ugh. 

Weird.  I am not sure what my image is.  I feel alot like this is not really my body, then then next its some of the same old complaints about it.  Weird. 

i will just call it an adjustment period.  Heck,  I think from birth to death is probably an adjustment period. 

Ran my  dog Nick at the park.  The first real workout he has had since the wreck.  Think we overdid it.  He is limping now.  But I have not seen him so happy.  The dog is freaking grinning. 

I had some weird brother moments today.  I could cut and paste or just give you the link to the thread....aka the lazy way.  I guess we all have toxic people in our lives.  He is mine.  Every once and  a while I miss him so much it aches.  But the Brother I knew is long gone.  Not the same guy around now.  I just have to separate myself to preserve myself.  I have pangs of "oh, that's sad" but I think that if he was in my life now, with his current mentally I think he is so toxic and awful, I have to let the "old brother" go. 

Here is the link to the message board.  http://obesityhelp.com/forums/LapBand/a,messageboard/action,replies/board_id,5359/cat_id,4959/topic_id,3210240/

Been struggling with that. I hate getting.  I hate feeling powerless.  I knew that in making a big deal about receiving from others I was robbing them of the joy of giving.  But that did not seem to help.

My pastor said something to me last night that changed my whole perspective.  When I don't receive what people have for me I am robbing them of the opportunity to do Gods will to me.  And I have no right to do that.  God probably spoke to them and asked them to reach out of themselves to me and I welcome it with "No thanks I am fine?" 

Not anymore.  Bring it on.

Actually it was supposed to.  But they pulled it out tuesday.  I have never hurt so much.  Ugh.  OW OW OW OW.  Man.  I hated that thing.  I am getting used to the drive though.  Sick of it, but used to it.

I feel alot better since the tube is out though.  I sleep better, so then I am not so tired.  I am trying not to take pain meds, so I will force myself to take it easy.  It seems to be working. 

I am not losing wt, but honestly I dont care.  I mostly dont want to gain.  And I am kinda tired of being in pain.  Liquids are for me until next Tues, then I call him, then I go back on the 15-16th.  I am going to take Olivia with me and we are going to have some fun in denver.  So she does not melt down when I go.  She did the last time. Poor thing.

My stomach is not as sore though, and it is AWFULLY nice not to have heartburn for the first time in about a month.

I am going to get Rachel to take my 6 month photo shots.  6 months on the 10th can you believe it?  Wow.

You look pretty great too.

Physically this has been a bit of a challenge.  I am tired alot.  I went to church this morning, which my spirit really needed, and I got home and slept for 4 hours which I guess my body really needed.  Olivia spent the day watching TV, playing on the computer and eating crappy food.  Nice Parenting.  I guess it will be all veggies and schoolwork for her tomorrow. 

I am getting over the embarrassment thing.  At church Pastor talked about being human and receiving.  I hate doing that.  But it is in our weakness that God meets us.  No doubt the last week, I have been weak.  I always want to dazzle God with my self strength.  How could I do that?  How could the Dude who make the universe look at me and go, "Gee, Cynthia did laundry without pain medication, how brave."  Sigh.  I have such fanciful notions.  I think God, as well as others, are more dazzled with my ability to say, "So, um, could you help me out here? I cant seem to lift the universe this week, I need to nap." 

I have accepted it, but I am still not all warm and fuzzy liking the idea.  I do have to say that Olivia is being fantastic during this.  I will shake off the guilt of not being more active with her now by being more there for her later.  I just adore her so.  I worry about spoiling her.  I am pretty sure I am doing that.

I hope to go get icky tube out Tuesday.  I have to empty it a few times a day, and I just gag.  I know, its just liquid, outta me, but ugh ugh ugh.  GAK.  yuck.  I hate that kinda stuff.  I could do it alot easier if it were coming outta you.  But me?  Gak. 

I have to go to work tomorrow.  Hope I can pull it off ok.  I get so tired.  I am hoping a clerk will come in early tomorrow and let me off the hook.  My new girl is mad at her manager, I have to try to work that through before I leave on Tues.  The new girl thinks she should be in charge and not have to take out the trash.  I still take out the trash, and I own the joint. She needs to be taken down a peg or two.  I am in just such a mood baby.

Gotta make my daughter something with a green food group or I am going to mommy jail. :Later gater.

SO glad to be home.  I was overwhelmed with Carols generous spirit, but I missed my daughter so.  I even missed the dogs.  They missed me enough to do a mild house trashing.  My little one is out with a my friends husband at the father/daughter thing at church. 

I am feeling pretty well.  Sore.  The drive was long, but I took a billion breaks.  I feel like I have been away for 233 years..  Strange.  I really feel supported by this site.  Without it I would not have been informed about the surgery, had all my questions answered and made new friends.  I cant believe I got all that from a web site.

I really want to use any of my experiences to help newbies or anyone with questions.  I think that could be the only good that comes from it.  (I doubt now that these belly scars will ever fade after being used 2ce) So if you have any questions newbies, I can share my experience.  Its all I got, but I think I have earned it.  LOL.

I really do appreciate you all so very much.  Such kindness.   I am going to have to go out and get you a shiny new pony.

I cant quite shake a feeling that I have been having since this has happened.  I am embarrassed.  I think that feeling is strange.  But I am.  I am embarrassed about the attention, the slip, the whole thing.  I find it far too much attention on me.  When I did the first surgery, I believed, and still do, that it was a loving act.  Now I just feel extravagant and embarrassed.  I am a smart gal.  I know this feeling is not logical.  I had a post op complication.  But I still feel embarrassed.  I don't know what to do with it yet, because I am not sure where it is coming from.  I will keep ya posted on that weird thing.

I feel pretty good. I came up to denver because I still could not eat with out huge heartburn (no pbing)  with it getting worse each day.  Finally I felt that I could not live on milk alone.  I thought surely there must be some liquid still in there after the emergency room removal a while back.  So I came to Dr., and they said you need another upper gi.  Surely enough, it slipped.  There was a big old chunk of my belly above the band.  Did I feel it happen?  No, I tried to pinpoint an exact time when it might have came up like that but I can't think of it.  It did happen since I was at the ER in Junction however.  

The surgery came up pretty fast.  For those of you who are newbies, you have all this time to mentally prepare to have surgery.  I was scheduled for surgery the next morning. I did not have much time to feel .  Since I had just met Carol I did not feel comfortable going, hey can I crash with you and was going to go to a hotel.  Just when I made that decision, carol called to find out how I was doing, and offered me her place (praise god!) I had to call and get my little one taken care of, my bookshop cover and my dogs looked after.  I did not really get to process it all until late that night.  So I did not get to sleep much. 

Next day I did all the stuff that you do for the inital lapband surgery so those of you that are post op know how that is. Iv's tummy shots and the like.   During the surgery he just opened the band, slid the tummy back down.  He used the same incisions and I have a drain now. I am sure it has a techincal name. I wear that gross tooking thing until I come back on Wed.

Mentally I did the "is it my fault thing "for a long time. I even asked the dr.s.  We decided the problem is that I live 6 hours from my dr.  When I had an overfill,  and I lived close, I would have thought nothing about coming and having it checked.  Same with the constant sickness.  I was not trying to be tough. I was not trying to lose weight faster.  I was just trying to do right by the band, and I was not complaining enough.  I have had not experience with being a banded person, so like you, I am plaing it by ear.  

I am still glad I have the band.  I am concerned that people that are unbanded in my life with think I am crazy for that sentiment.  I feel a bit nervous of the non-wls people in my life.  I am sure they would be supportive, but there must be something in their heads that go,, "see this wls is dangerous and crazy"  I wanted to be a postergirl of success for this and so I am nervous that that might have messed up the band's image.  I am not sure how else to describe how I feel about that.

Physically I feel sore.  I am going to drive home (slowly) I am anxious to see my baby girl.  She misses me, but I am sure that grandpa and grandma are being so sweet to her. 

Almost as much as you guys are sweet to me.   Thanks you so much.

We started the year with Olivia getting an ear infection, that evolved into pneumonia.  She is mostly outta the woods now, although by wed if the cough is not gone we are going back in.  I have strep.  Just got it.  I also am on my way to Dr. Wonder Pete tomorrow.  Nothing like driving 6 hours when you feel like a warmed over dead chick with the chills? Also my band wants me to drink cold stuff while my throat wants warm stuff.  Not workn out..

I guess I am a tad grumpy.  Sorry.  It is honest to tell how the whole journey goes not just the 7 wonders.  Although one of the wonders was going to the theater in a pretty dress I had in the back of my closet forever.  That was glorious.  Size 16 baby.

My band is indecisive. I cant eat much at all in the morning, some in afternoon and a tad bit more at night which wakes me up at 5 with heartburn.  I think the downside is the longer I am banded the dumber I become.  I am going to talk to Pete about this, but I used to know how to tackle a plate buddy.  Now, I am scared alot.  Scared to make the wrong choice, scared of causing damage, scared of not getting enough... (water, protein,  fill in the blank) I know its just because December had been rough, and I am glad I did this, I just have this low boil frustration lately that I am not learning.  I am struggling.  Not that all this tightness is my fault.  I guess we are just going though and "adjustment period."

Like Newlyweds,  I am learning that my band snores and squeezes my gut and the toothpaste tube from the middle. It will just take time.

I will let you know how the visit goes with Dr. Pete.