Cynthia T.

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I called and I am going to Denver next Tues   I have an appointment with Dr. Pete.  Right now, although I think my band is unfilled, I can eat only 1/2 cup of potatoes and one of those tiny chicken legs.  Then its nothing (not even water) for 4 hours, or there is slime and yacking.  Ugh. I like losing wt.  I just get frustrated because I cant even remember how to eat anymore. 

But I lost my daughter, meaning I have lost 50 pounds, she weighs 48.   Ha ha.  Now if I could just eat dinner.  I will let you know how it goes, of course.

I picked yellow for the page because I am freezing all the time.  It is a particularly cold winter, and I thought that BRIGHT BOOTY YELLA might help.

My daughter is almost well. She has had pneumonia for a while with the worst of it being in the last 5 days.  We have kick booty meds. So its better.  I am staying busy with work, lots of opportunity seems to be blooming there.  I had a chat with God about it.  I think whatever I am supposed to do (i.e. business expansion) God has to make her happen.  So I just go ahead and wait for God to slam the doors.  Or open em.  How freeing. 

I have to go get a blanket now.  Brrrrrr.  I will post after I am done with Pete the wonder Dr.  Hope things get better. 

I did it.  50 in 5.  I am still pretty much unfilled, although there my be some in there still I have restriction.  I got on there today and it said 211.  I about had a stroke. Really.  I weigh myself, um alot, all day and then take the smallest number.  Today, right outta the gate, 211.  Down 50.  I will take it.  Even if tomorrow its 213 again.

I am kinda scared to go see my dr.  I dont want him to fill me or unfill me.  I have been though a bit, and I guess as my best buddy says, "I understand if you are guy shy."  I have learned that the only way to get over your fear is to blab about it.  So I am going to call my dr. this week and tell him he scares me to death.  I do need to get checked out, especially this year when its included in the price and all. 

Other than that, I am doing ok.  I eat solids and get some heartburn but only with MEAT.  Chicken and hamburger mostly.  I should try fish.  I hate fish.  I only seem to like catfish wrapped in tinfoil filled with beer over a campfire.  I cant pull that off in my living room.  But I am getting my protein in via dairy.  Gotta love the cows baby.

My self esteem seems more tied to this process more than I want to admit, I have had some strong "feelin-ugly" days in December.  I try to do some self care stuff, but I seem to just be "checking out" watching movies on my laptop, and reading smarmy novels, and letting my house look a bit....thrashed.  Right after I hit the 211 this am I mopped the floor, took a long shower, did some laundry and generally cleaned.  Scary.  What do I do when I get to goal wt?  Lay around?  Just hitting a slow point make me fall into a small funk, what do I do when it is over.  I best be praying and talking to people about that "what do I do now fear"---- now.  I dont want to be surprised when I get there.  I want to participate in life. I want to do all the things on my lists here.

I have been eating mushy food. I started that without talking to my Dr. because I thought I could without hurting myself, and if I did not I would hurt others.  So now its beans, cottage cheese, alot of milk, soups...you get it.  

I finally got ahold of Pete the wonder dr. and he said, "why didn't you page me?"  I always thought paging dr.s was for when your arm falls off.  So I just left voice mails.  He was snowed in.  He said on any part of your condition, you page me.  He also said to stay on mushy food, he is glad I "advanced myself" on that, and to take it slow.  No meat.  I have only been sick once, and that was on 2 bites of meat.  That was before I talked to him, and thus, I figured that out on my own.

I feel pretty good.  My wt. is at 215.  Actually its at 214 in the morning and 215 in the afternoon and 216 at night.  I think I need to put the stupid scale away.  

Nick the ball dog's foot was bleeding a bit when I got home.  It was all better, but now the toenail is falling off.  I have no idea what to do about that.  I guess wait.  I just made it so it did not keep bleeding all over the place in the house and gave him some drugs.

I hope to go visit family over New Years.  The snow is being nasty and preventing it thus far, but I will forge ahead some day, I just will have to make it a shorter visit and that makes me sad.

Our Christmas was wonderful.  It was fun, it was calm.  I was surrounded by loving people who liked me-- and that was enough.  I got decent gifts and, I think even better, I gave decent gifts.  I also got to spend some time in spiritual reflection on the Lord, and some pretty great worship moments, some of which were in church.

So that is my "how I am doing" thing.  I really hope to get below 200 pounds.  Its my mental wall.  I know I say that alot, but If was going to have these troubles I kinda wish they even would have happened around the 230 range, I have camped and lived at 220 for YEARS and I am really wanting to get past this number.  

I gotta say though, I do feel prettier than I have in YEARS as well.  Good hair cut, clothes I like, and feeling physically /emotionally /mentally more sound. I must be approaching forty.  All women get cool at 40.

I am on day 6 of clear liquids.  This has been "Christmas party week" with me going to parties and drinking, tea, coffee, and water.  I have been trying to christmas shop, run a retail store, clean, go to Christmas programs and eat....broth.  

I know healing time, very important, due to the near band slip circumstance. I must think of the long term and blah blah blah. 

But  I am going to call Pete and beg to be allowed some food or I am going to walk to Denver in the snowstorm and smack him in the head.  I have not lost a dang pound either.  *smack* Pete-o-buddy. I think my body is just tired right now.  It is feeling better today than it has in a while. 

But I just hate everybody.  Except you........and maybe you over there......and that guy looks ok..... but thats it.   Does wine count as a clear liquid?  White wine?

Actually though, folks have been pretty nice and great.  My friend Rachel bought me flowers.  I was so happy.  My other bud Sarah and her husband Chris and I went out for "dinner" and they did not make me feel stupid for not eating.  Think of all the calories I saved by not eating during this food season.  Ugh.  I want pie.

Ok done whining, you may go about your business.

Some of you know that I was overfilled, on the first fill Pete messed up and gave me 3.4 in a 4 band---on my first fill.  I "lived" with it for 2 months, then last week got and unfill (discovering the mistake) and I was down to 2.  At first I could eat more, but then I started to get heartburn. I took recommendations here and bought 14 dollar pepcid.  Kinda worked, but I was starting to yack again.

So I called Pete (my PA--I learned not to wait) He perscribed me 2 different antiacid things, I am too tired to remember.  This was Thurs Night.  He called em in.  I happened to have a regular PCP appoint just the annual deal.  I was not supposed to eat, for 12 hours because I had a blood draw to do for Pete.

So here was my Friday.  I woke up, having yacked my dinner at 5 STARVING, so I had a 1/2 cup of milk.  (thus cheating)  Then I went in early and had blood drawn (drove to work, shuttled kid to kindergarden) went BACK for my Primary dr. appointment.  After the blood draw I had 2 bites of cottage cheese,  and the BURNING started.  This time it kinda hurt like....well....hell.

So at the Primary care dr, I once again explained the band, and where I was with it, had the lovely pap/physical, and I was anxious to go get the heartburn meds.  I got them, took them and yacked so violently I cried. I called Pete.  Told him I had not been able to eat or drink all day. He said get to the ER.

In my town, nobody know figs about the band.  I explained it to death, to each nurse, lab tech, and radiologist that happened to be curious.  Finally, the ER dr. called Pete, and they ( a crowd watched --set up to remove fluid.  3 needles, four pokes, including rotating the needle around, they finally drew out 1.2 or so . They pushed my tummy to death.   I then had the upper gi.  All the while fielding calls back from Pete and the drs. here---who knew bupkis.  I had the GI without yacking.  They found that I am VERY VERY swollen but Praise God---no slip.  I went to the ER at 4 in the afternoon, and I got home at 10.  I have to go to Colorado Springs in the morning for the redneck family christmas, I am on liquids for 7 days, and I have to call Pete tomorrow to make sure I am still drinking my dinners ok.  

I had the worst day.  Starving, blood drawn, pap smear, headache, dehydrated, 6 hours in the ER.  
And a partrige in a pear tree.  

The up side is they actually gave me a CD with my upper GI on it.  It is pretty cool to watch, I may see if I can post the pictures.  I am sure that is worth the scars on my soul from the experience.

I am learning so much about myself.  I was in OA for 4 years, and I learned alot about myself spiritually and emotionally.  I think since I have the band I am reconnecting with my body physically in a way I could have never done without it (or never had anyway)  I am more body aware than ever. 

I FINALLY went to my first yoga class. I go back tomorrow.  I really liked it.  I am not as bendy as I thought, particularly my left hip(what the heck is that about?), but I had a great time and I am so hooked.  I want to go all the time.  I felt strange spending the whole hour concentrating on how my body felt. IT really was work to concentrate on it too.  But it felt good.   It was so hard.  But so worth it.  I feel like a new chick.

Having a tight band I think may have done some damage.  I get heartburn quicker now on spicy/breaded foods.  I still think I am going to take it easy for a while.  I definately can eat more, and I need to measure to find out how much more, My wt loss I think is now about a pound a week instead of 2.  I dont care.  I am learning so freakin much.  Any time the scale is not moving UP I sm happy. 

I have also lost enough wt. I can feel my port when I lay on my side.  Before I could lay anyway I want and not feel it, now I cant lay on that left side because if feels like I am laying on a ping pong ball.  That sucks.  I liked sleepn on the left.  The other night when we slept under the Christmas tree I woke and the muscles-well everywhere-hurt, but mostly those in my tummy and my left side.  It took me a while to get that I was layn on the port, which is sewed into the muscle so I was streaching that muscle all night.  Ugh.  Not comfy. 

I kinda feel like one of those high school couples that date and are all "we' ve been going our for 4 months"!  But I have been banded four months!  Man does time fly.  I am pretty happy. I have/am adjusting to eating less.  I am trying to learn to eat better stuff. but I think that is not going to be instant deal.  I am getting smaller but I dont think I will be THRILLED and feeling all confident till I am below 200 I have been around these wts. before.  But for now I am focusing on eating better.  I feel TONS better since I had my unfil.  I am eating a full cup of food, Now it just needs to be the right foods  Weekends are harder, always have been.  But I live this one day at a time.  Not hoping that 32 years of bad eating can be solved in 4 months.  But it is sure nice to be 45 pounds lighter. 

Drove to Denver yesterday.  I have a 4 cc band and my nurse practioner (NP)said they "hardly ever" fill it to 5 ccs.  I was filled last time by the PA who rarely does fills.  The NP said they have a matrix of how they do fills and the MAX on a first fill is 1.  

She pulled outta me 3.4 cc's.     3.4.      On my first fill.  I think I get what tight is. He had put in 2 put there, what he did not know was that there was 1.4 in there to start with.  Bad PA.

I dealt with that for a month, almost 2. Bad BANDSTER.

I kept thinking it was my fault.  I kept thinking that I was eating too fast, too much, wrong stuff.  But what I would do was eat like a bandster, protien, one oz get reflux, so eat something soft and bad.  I thought I was tight but like point 3 ----not 3 point. So I thought I could eat the less lose a bit of wt and feel better.  Uh, no.  

Never do that.  Newbies, never do that.   If you are uncomfortable, get er check out,   12 hour drive or not.  Because the point of this thing is to relearn how to eat.  Its not your job to lose wt, if you relearn how to eat YOU WILL LOSE WT.  Get the eating part right.  I knew nutritionally I could not live eating just protien and ice cream.  But I thought I knew what was best.

I dont.   I did not know the 3.4 facts.   OJ without reflux in a month.  AHHHH.

I have been feeling since my first fill back a ways ago that I was too tight, but I thought I could live with it.  Well I can, but I am not happy.  I eat crappier food, soft hi-cal stuff, and i feel like crap.  I yack alot.  I have to work pretty hard to get in 900 calories.  I eat one meatball and I am stuffed for 3 hours.  So I am not getting my protien/water requirements.  Forget about veggies.  (I usually do anyway)

So after hitting a wall and feeling tired of yacking every day of a weekend, I decided to call Dr. S.  I felt like it was "not worth the effort" to drive all that way and just for .3 cc or some dang thing that lasts about 3 minutes.  But I think it is.  I am still losing wt. But my life is more than that, and I am worth the drive to get it fixed.  

Dr. Pete said eat mushy easy food till the unfill.  So I been eating alot of refried beans, soup and potatoes/cheese.  It helps.  

I just hope I will keep losing if I have less in the band. Keep ya posted baby.

Ok I think it is sorta official. I am below 220 pounds. I have never been below 220 for more than a day, for like YEARS AND YEARS, and now we are in day 3 so I think we can say i am at 218. Huh. Weird. This is really really great/weird/scary. I have only weighed myself like 1274 times in the last four days, to see if it is real. I always say a number in my head that I would cry at if the scale said that (like 226) but that number is always high, on purpose. That way I am always happy. Because it is never that high number. At least not post band. I am happy now, it is starting to feel kinda real. Weird.