Nonny S.

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Today I went to my consultation with Dr. Cribbins.  It was a very short
meeting, but my impression of him was good.  I like him and all the girls seem nice.  He wants me to add a sleep study to all I need to do to prepare for surgery.  He said that his goal for me was to loose 60% of my excess weight and that would put me at 189 lbs.  That still seems too much for me, but he said that if I continue at that point it would be better, but if I didn't, he would still see me as a success.  I think I would be happy at 150.  But I guess I should wait until I get to that point to see how I would really feel.  He also had me stand on this metal scale and it printed out my fat mass, weight of bones and water weight, etc.  It was pretty cool, but it told me that I should be around 120 lbs. (?????)  I always joke that I am a very petite person inside all
this fat and I guess I am right!!

Today I had my second month appointment for my supervised diet.  I gained like 3-4 pounds last month!!  My doc thinks it's because of quitting cigarettes and doesn't seem too worried about it.  I think I'm going to break down and bawl if I see that I'm over 300.

I'm doing better with not smoking now.  I think I've found a habit to
replace it though.  Unfortunately it is Jolly Rancher Lollipops.  It
kind of scares me, because if (WHEN) I have the surgery I won't be able to eat them, so I hope that by then I will not be eating them as much.  I wouldn't even eat them, but they help so much!!  I think it is the tartness that does it, since I've tried other low sugar suckers and blow
pops and they don't work.  Also, the hand to mouth helps.  They are so
big, I can't just leave them in my mouth, I have to go back and forth...like a cigarette.  But anyway, I started eating them last Thursday (when I cheated) and I haven't cheated since!  I can't believe I made it
through a weekend!!!  Of course I have been doing alot more projects to keep me busy.  I am now working on replacing all the vinyl flooring in my apartment.  I am covering a green diamond pattern floor (which goes with nothing) with a faux stone.  I looks so good!!!!  It made me wish even more that I didn't weigh as much as I do since getting up and down is a chore and I'm sure quite hilarious to watch.  I can only do a little at a time, but it's worth it.

Ok, I need to vent a little.  Today I made the mistake in telling one
of my co-workers that I am trying to have the surgery.  He's now made it his mission to tell me all about the diets that he's sure I haven't
heard about or done.  He's nice about it, but won't back off.  Every
suggestion he throws at me I respond "Tried it".  He acts like I'm lying. 
Finally, I just said "Listen, don't you think that if there was a diet
that I could do, I would have done it?"  And he said "Well, you have to
work at it.  You can't give up."  Hello?  Isn't a 19 year diet long
enough?  Mid way through my lengthy explanation of how surgery is not the quick fix and how hard it will be to loose weight and keep it off after surgery and how I (and others like me) are not like him or others who can diet and exercise and it actually works, I came up with a
resolution.  I am just not going to tell anyone.  I will deal with the reactions after the fact, but I don't want to deal with others trying to change my view.  I have to deal enough with that regarding my religion and political stance.  I guess wls will go under taboo for me as well.

I need a cigarette!  I need a cigarette!  I need a cigarette!  I need a cigarette!  I need a cigarette!  I need a cigarette!  I need a cigarette!  I need a cigarette!  I need a cigarette!  I need a cigarette!  I need a cigarette!  I need a cigarette!  I need a cigarette!  I need a cigarette!  I need a cigarette!  I need a cigarette!  I need a cigarette!  I need a cigarette!  I need a cigarette!

Today I got my psych evaluation today.  He gave me a recommendation!!!! He stated that he feels what problems I do have (depression, anxiety, etc.) more than likely will go away after surgery.  He also recommended that I see someone to monitor my moods once I have surgery.  I hope that does not deter me get insurance approval.  I wonder if they will require I see someone regularly or if my PCP will be enough.  Also, I am going to smoke my last cigarette tonight.  Wish me luck!!

I had my looooong psych evaluation today.  Surprizingly enough he
thinks I'm sane!!!  My one on one interview was pretty short and he didn't ask me much about my childhood or me mentally.  All of his questions were geared toward my weight now and as a child and what my support system at home is like and he asked alot of questions about wls.  I wasn't sure what he wanted so I told him everything.  I explained the difference between the Lap Band and the RNY and explained what life will be like after surgery and stressed how the RNY will be a TOOL to get me on the same playing field as normal people with normal matabolizim (sp?).  I was afraid that I was talking too much (I tend to get long winded), but he said he was surprized at how much I knew and was impressed by my dedication and use of resources.  He said that from what he could tell, he thinks I would have success mentally in regard to the surgery.  What????  An actual positive report from a psychiatrist???? I think I'm just so dern determined to have this done, that just getting one more step completed toward my goal just makes me happier.  That and the right combo of meds :)

Yesterday, I went to Dr. Cribbins' seminar.  I really liked him.  I've heard he wasn't very personable, but I thought he was.  He explained the
three different surgeries he does (vertical banding, RNY and Lap Band)  He seemed pretty straight forward about all three and gave us the pros and cons.  For being relatively young (36) and looking even younger, he was pretty knowledgeable.  He seemed to lean more toward the Lap Band, but I guess I have to expect that with most doctors.  As long as during our consultation he understands my insurance problem and will not bother trying to talk me out of the RNY.  My mom and sister (24) went with me.  They instantly liked him as well.  Neither one of them want me to have the RNY (we all prefer the Lap Band), but they are supportive and advised me that this is my best option for my situation.  They both also told me that I made a right decision on doctors (my sister thinks he is just too hot!) which made me relax some.  I made an appointment for the one on one consultation for next Thursday, so we'll see what he says about my case individually.  I also have my psych eval tomorrow.  I hope the doctor doesn't tell me that I'm too psycho to go through with surgery!  Wouldn't that just suck?

I made an appointment to see my gynecologist next month.  I'm hoping she can write me a letter of recommendation for the surgery.  I'm worried though, since the nurse practicioner I have been seeing is no longer at that office, I hope they can go by her notes...we'll see.  Also I made an appointment with my attorney for next week to get a will drawn up (just in case).  This is something I need anyway and can't believe I still don't have one.  I'm contemplating on seeing a chiropractor.  I've been wanting to for awhile now and if I'm ever going to, it may as well be now.  I started a membership at Nautilus and am going to try to go at least 3 times a week.  I know I won't be able to do much other than walk for now, but at least I can get to know some of the trainers there (hopefully) so that I can get some good help after surgery to build up muscle.  I honestly can't think of anything I am forgetting.  Oh!  My lab work came back today.  I have high cholesterol.  (surprise!!)  My cholesterol was 221, triglycerides were 316, HDL was at 39 and LDL was at 119.  She said even though they aren't extremely high, she wants me to start a med called Tricor (sp?) this evening and then she will check again in 8 weeks at my 3rd monthly check up.  I was expecting it to be high, but I'm kind of scared because my dad was around my age when he started having problems with his cholesterol and high blood pressure.  To this day he has not found a med that will lower it enough.  He's strict on his diet and takes garlic, the whole nine yards.  I hope I can keep mine controlled with diet and meds.  Also, my mom says that once I have surgery it will be easier to manage.  I hope so, since my dad has never been overweight (I get the "suseptable to become obese" trait from my mom's side of the family) but we shall see.

Ok, you guys are going to laugh at me, but I've been scared to death!!! 
I love watching the Discovery Health channel (with all the weight loss
surgeries and plastic surgeries, etc).  Well this weekend there was a
documentary on "Amnesia Awareness" where patients have something terribly go wrong with their anestetic during surgery.  They are paralized, but fully aware and can feel the pain.  My dumb @$$ had to watch it!  I had anxiety attacks all night last night along with a massive nightmare.  I always thought it was an urban legend, but according to the documentary it has happened...extremely rare though.  Gees how stupid could I have been to watch the whole program?  Like I'm not terrified enough?  My mom thinks I'm crazy to believe it.  She's been a nurse for the past 20 something years and has never heard of it being real.  But then again, if it happens, would hospitals be so open about it????  Hopefully I'll get over this in the next 6 months or so.