Nonny S.

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I talked to my brother and 2 youngest sisters this weekend.  My
Godmother let me know that they are all concerned about my surgery too so I thought I would let them know that they could ask questions that way I can help them understand better about the surgery and why I want it.  Boy was that a good idea!!  They had so many questions!  When we were done talking, my brother told me that he was happy that I brought the subject up, because even though he still doesn't want me to have surgery, he is confident that I have done a lot of research and know what I am getting myself into.  I also found out that they are not against the surgery, just of me having surgery.  They let me know that they would feel this way if I needed my gall bladder out, or my appendix out, etc.  They also told me that the info I gave them was more comforting than what they were told by others.  My brother also warned me (and I somewhat agree with him) that my relationship with some people may disappear if I am successful at my weight loss.  But if that happens, then I am better off.  Because no one...and I mean no one...will ever be successful in making me feel bad about myself ever again.  I don't need anymore negativity in my life.  On another note, I feel awesome.  I have been making sure that I drink at least 60 oz of water everyday.  Been taking my multivitamin every day and have been wearing the C-Pap machine every night.  I think the machine is what is causing the effect though.  I am out like 15 min after I put it on and wake up at 6 every morning.  I love it.  I have been getting to work early and things have been getting done around the house.  I am hoping to start doing my Walk Away the Pounds in the mornings so that I can let Luke sleep.  That seems to be the only time of day I feel that good.  But we'll see how that goes!

The other day I got a call from my Godmother (who I absolutely LOVE and haven't seen in ages).  She's concerned about me having surgery.  This is the first person from my family I've talked to who voiced such a strong opinion about me not having it.  I was dumbfounded.  I couldn't say anything.  I have no idea why.  Maybe because I value her opinion sooooo much that I hate going against her wishes.  Maybe I'm afraid that since I will have surgery anyway, she will feel I don't value her opinion.  Maybe I'm afraid that since she is a big beautiful woman, she may resent me for being a "sell-out".  No, after reading the last one outloud, I don't think she would ever feel that way.  She ended the conversation by telling me that she would support me no matter what I decided, but to just think of my son and make sure it is what I really want to do.  And that is odd, because my son is why I want to have surgery above all else.  Me being a single mom, he is be neglected of many things.  I don't take him to the beach or the pool because I don't want to swim or have him embarrased by me.  I don't take him to Six Flags because I can't ride any of the rides and why spend $40 dollars on my ticket alone when all I can do is sit on a bench?  I never took him to indoor playgrounds (Kids Klubhouse, McDonalds, etc.) when he was younger because he would get stubborn and not come out when it was time to go, and I couldn't
ever fit in the tubes or up the slides.  He wants me to take him skating
and teach him how to skate, but with my ankles, there is no way.  We
were talking yesterday and I told him..."Lukas, you're my best friend." 
He said "No I'm not."  When I asked him why he said that, he told me
"You never play with me.  We never play games outside.  You are always too tired."  If that is not a reason for me to have surgery and get my life back, I don't know what is.
So here he is, my reason for having weight loss surgery:
src="http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f86/halukacy/Lukas/2ndLostTooth.jpg"
width="324" height="244">
Can you look at this face and tell me I need another reason?

Today I got my CPAP machine after 8....count them....EIGHT long weeks of waiting.  Believe it or not I'm excited.  Not of wearing the dern
thing, but of the long term effects I'm going to have.  I even feel like I
have the coolest one!  It has a humidifier on it that you can regulate
cool mist or hot mist!  (Now read back the last two sentences with a
Brenda Walsh voice and you have my enthusiasm)

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!!!!
I overheard an interesting conversation between 3 moms from my son's baseball team.  Now mind you, I hate socializing with the majority of the mom's at these sporting events because it's like middle school all over again.  These were all the cheerleaders in school and they make it a point to sit as far from me as possible (or at least in my mind they do).  From what I can hear when they happen to be behind me, they spend a lot of time talking about where they get thier nails done and what church they go to, because each one's church is better than the other's.  (In my podunk town we have one stop light but 5 churches...go figure).  Well, they happened at one point to bring up wls, so of course my ears perked.  They, as I would have guessed, were against it.  Two were average sized (let's call them the Bettys), but one was about comparable to me.  She was taller, but the same proportion (lets call her Non-Betty).  Anyway, one of the Bettys said how she thought about the lap-band, but the doctor said that he wouldn't perform surgery on someone who only needed to loose 20 pounds (with that I rolled my eyes).  Then the Non-Betty spoke up and said that her insurance wouldn't cover it, and she would not get a RNY because it was going against God.--------pause------What?  Yeah, I heard her right.  She went on to say that God made her fat and to re-route her intestine and cut away part of her stomach would make Him mad.  With that I snickered shook my head and walked away before I heard anything else, because I was bound to say something.  She clearly was just trying to find ways to talk herself out of wanting something she feels she can't have, because she did state that she applied for
lap-band.  Wouldn't that be going against God too, I mean it is a foreign object that God did not create in her body.  I'm sure I will run into her at another sporting event after I have my surgery and have lost some weight.  When she asks how I did it/am doing it, I will say proudly  "I had Gastric Bypass and it was the best choice I ever made.  I thank God everyday for this second chance at living the life He wanted me to live."  Of course in my mind I will add "....and Goddess too" because why stir up the sh*t anymore than I need to?

I had my PCP visit today.  Only one more visit until I can apply....WooHoo!  I honestly don't know how I gained.  Except for one small piece of cake at my son's birthday party and a cook out this weekend, I have been following my diet.  Oh well, I guess that is why I need this surgery.  If it wasn't for me telling myself that my surgery is just around the corner, I would have given up months ago and probably would have gained 30 pounds instead of only 11.  I'm trying to be positive, positive, positive.  I also went to schedule next month's appointment and my doctor is going to be out for the first two weeks of August so I have to wait until the 14th instead of the 3rd.  I called my insurance and talked to Corrine and she said that as long as I included a letter from my doctor's office stating the reason why I did not see her on the 3rd, then I should be fine.  I hope this doesn't screw up my approval!!!  I'm still going to continue to see her every month just in case.  Another 6 month wait will suuuuuck!

I am needing to vent about something that I have been holding in on
this site for some time.  I know someone who used to be very understanding of obesity since they were obese before wls, but since they lost alot of weight, now they are down right mean and likes to almost rub it in other's faces.  When I bring up that what they say is mean, they imply that I'm just jealous and when I lose weight, I will understand.  It's getting worse and worse and sometimes I feel that I don't want to have surgery.  I would rather be fat and nice to everyone than skinny and mean.  But my siblings (especially my brother) have helped me feel better about myself.  I gave them permission to punch me if I ever act like that.  Part of it I think is that they had no (and I mean NO) before care tests done (Other than her upper GI, etc the week or so before the surgery).  They had no psychological evaluation, no sleep study, no record of pre-op diets, no nothing.  I wonder if they would have been recommended for surgery if they would have had a psych eval.  I don't think they did this to be healthy.  And I think this affects what they put out to everyone.  They're still is not happy.  I say that I want to do this to be healthy.  But is that the real reason?  Of course I want to feel sexy and I would love to be in a relationship.  But do I feel that I need to be skinny to accomplish these?  I say I don't.  I honestly feel I don't have to be skinny to be sexy and find a man.  But am I lying to myself?  Will I not find out until after surgery that I deep down wanted to be skinny and not just healthy?  Will I hurt others because I will be unhappy with the results?  Regardless of all of this I have been going through, I have been in a pretty good mood lately.  I am getting more things done around the house and my son has been very inquisitive about our religion (he's just beginning to realize that we are not the norm in our little po-dunk town) and has been wanting to participate with me more on the holidays, so that of course is making me very pleased!

Today was my 5th PCP visit.  ~2 more to go!!!~  I lost 2 pounds in the last 2 weeks, so I'm getting on the right track.  My doctor seemed happy anyway.  I started eating 6 small meals a day and I bought exercise bike petals.  I wanted to get a bike or a treadmil, but I am over the weight limit on any I can afford.  I found some portable petals on Wal Mart.com for only $30 and figure I can do that and walk when I can and once I get down to about 250 or so, I can buy a treadmil.  It's funny because I have the pedals sitting infront of the couch, under the coffee table and my son uses them constantly.  He thinks it's so much fun.  So I figure that it would be good exercise for him too.  You can also put them on a table and get upper arm exercise.  So hopefully, they won't begin to collect dust!!!

I had an appointment with my doctor to have a growth on my shoulder removed and found that I gained 4 pounds in the last week and a half or so.  I don't understand since I have been doing so good with watching what I eat, but I am not worrying too much about it.  As long as I do all that I can, there is nothing else for me to do.  I'm glad I have gotten out of my looooong funk I was in, because this probably would have put me over the edge.  I did get some disturbing knowledge from my son this weekend.  He informed me that kids at school are making fun of him for being fat and having a tumor on his cheek.  I told him that there was not much we could do about the tumor (he calls it his lump, but the official term is hemangioma) until he turns 10, the estimated age where it should stop growing.
~Background on his lump~ It was formed in his parotid gland in the womb and all his facial nerves are embedded in it.  I have only found one doctor in North Texas who will even consider removing it and he will only talk about removing the portion protruding out of his jawline and won't do that until Luke has turned 10 in case it continues to grow.
Regarding the mean kids at school calling him fat, I told him that I
hate the idea of him being put on a "diet" at age 7.  But he agreed that
he, I and my mom would all work together to help him make healthy
choices.  I think it is so crazy, because I don't feel he his even fat.  I
know he is heavier than other kids in his class and baseball team, but
he is definately not big enough to be made fun of.  But maybe it's just
because I'm his mom and I see only what I want to see.  I know the
taunts have bothered him, because my family went to McDonalds and all of us adults got salads and he, on his own, asked for a milk and apple dippers with his kids meal...and he's usually the fry king!  Of course we made a big deal and he felt so proud!  I just hate that history is repeating itself.  It's definately bringing up bad memories.

I just got back from my PCP visit.  I gained another pound.  I'm totally going the wrong way here!!!  This definately did not help my mood I've been in.  I don't know what is wrong with me lately.  I usually like to "hope for the best, but prepare for the worst."  I think that I have been
"preparing" too much for me to be denied for this surgery.  Something in me keeps saying that I won't get approved and it's making me depressed just as if I actually was denied.  I don't know, but I need to snap out of it and fast!!

I had my second sleep study this weekend.  The CPAP machine wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  Still pretty damn attractive though!!lol  I don't know if it was too tight or what, but I have these red welps on either side of my nose. Along with yet another allergic reaction to the tape on my chest.  But it will be worth it if I end of getting a machine for my house.  It was the best sleep I think I have ever had.  Going to sleep was hard because I wasn't used to the mask, but I didn't wake up once and I felt like a million bucks that next morning.  The next day (Sunday)I took a nap at my mom's house and when I woke up my son said "Mommy, when you were sleeping you didn't even snore once!  High five!!!!"  And he raised up his hand to me.  How cute is that?