Nonny S.

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I woke at 3:00 am with that damn pain again.  Mom fixed my socks and finally the Morphine kicked in.  I peed again.  At 9 am Dr. Cribbins came in to check on me.  By 9:15 I was being wheeled to Radiology to have a barium swallow.  I said goodbye to Luke and Mom before leaving since they had to head back home and I will be on my own this weekend.  By 9:45 I was back in my room.  I peed, brushed my teeth and feel like I have to throw up by 10:00.  Respritory came in and I can now breathe to 1,000 yay!  I'm still nauseous at 10:30.  I got up at 11:00 walked a lap and sat in my chair.  Mom's friend Lee came to visit.  We chatted awhile.  At 12:00 I walked her out and walked 2 laps.  I'm ready for the damn NG tube to come out!  The nurse said that the results are not back yet.  Other than that, I feel surprisingly good.  Could be all the morphine though!  My RN is now Melissa (again) and my tech is Wendy.  At 1:30 there's no more NG tube!!!  Instant relief.  I cleaned my face and started eating ice chips.  At 2:00 I walked 2 laps for 10 min and can breathe up to 1,500.  I peed again and set up my C-Pap.  Still sucking on ice chips.  They are still the best f-ing ice chips I've ever had!  Although whoever is eating Chinese out there can suck my left tit!  I won't even give them the satisfaction of sucking the bigger one!  haha!  Really though, this and when Mom brought Luke food were the only times I wanted to eat.  I'm not hungry at all.  I guess, is this head hunger?  At 3:00 I walk one lap and breathe to 1,000 and peed and the RN brings me a sugar free orange popsicle.  The best 25 min I ever spent!  Instantly my throat felt better.  Mom calls me to see how I am doing and tells me that it was announced at my sister's pep rally that she is one of the 5 Homecoming Nominees!  The Homecoming game is in 2 weeks, but I'm so glad I will be home full time so that I can go with her to look for a dress and can go to the pep rallies!!!  How exciting!!  I then slept with a full belly.  At 4:30 they brought me a menu.  I went back to sleep and woke myself snoring.  At 6:00 I ordered chicken broth, sugar free jello, cranberry juice and bottled water.  I walked 2 laps and breathed up to 1,500 and peed.  I then sat down to eat.  I drank 3 oz of broth for about 15 min. and then got burppies.  I feel gooood!!  I'm saving the juice and jello for tomorrow.  At 6:45 I walked 2 laps, tried to pee, but no go.  I brushed my teeth, hair, cleaned my face and put my trach earring back in and ring back on.  By 7:30 I'm ready to lay down again.  I pushed my breathing to 1550, almost 2,000 yay!!

I wake at 3am in awful pain in my chest.  I hit the pump, but nothing and have to wait 6 min to hit it again.  I slept without pain meds and it hurts!!  I finally get comfort again at about 4 or so and sleep off and on.  Too paranoid to sleep through pain pump again.  At 7 am the tech comes in and takes out the cathedar.  At 8 am I feel I have to pee and make it to the bathroom with Mom and the tech, but can't go.  Mom cleans me with warm wipes.  I sit in the chair and at 8:15 Dr. Cribbins comes in.  We chat and he checks out my incision.  He says everything is doing great and is impressed that I'm smiling.  My RN is now Melissa and my tech is Mikey.  I get uncomfortable again and Mom and the tech help me to bed.  Pain Pain!!
The RN comes in and tapes the NG tube to my gown so it doesn't pull anymore.  Dr. has added Xantack for Acid reflux and and Anti Inflammatory pain med.  I finally get ice chips (Mom sneaks them in).  I make sure not to swallow, but it still feel gooood!  Surprisingly I'm not hungry or thirsty, just a sore throat.  At 12:30 am I wake with the chest pain again and find that when I doze off, I hold my breath after I inhale and struggle to exhale.  When I'm awake, there's no problem.  I waiting for the tech, because Mom's asleep and I don't know how important it is.  At 1:00 Mom asked RN about my breathing.  They said it was common with sleep apnea patients.  They can't start the C-Pap until the NG tube is gone, but the will send the Respritory tech up here to check my levels.  At 1:30 I decided I wanted to walk.  Mom brushed and re-braided my hair and she helped get me unhooked and we started my lap at 1:45.  At 1:50 we finished the lap and I wanted to go again, but Mom said not to push it.  I tried to pee, but it was still a no go.  I brushed my teeth and sat in the chair and plucked my eyebrows.  By 2:45 I was back laying down again.  At 3:00 Mom left to get the kids settled.  At 4:00 the RN came in and changed my dressings and remarked at how well I'm doing.  She said she was really impressed.  I slept off and on.  At 6:30 Mom came back with a surprize...Lukas!!  He was standing at the door with a vase of roses and a balloon!  It made my day!!  At 7:00 I tried to pee again and it was a success!!  At 7:15 Mom's friend Marilyn came by for a visit.  Her and Mom went out to eat and Lukas staid with me and we watched Chicken Little.  My RN now is Surely and my tech is Puma.  At 9:00 Mom came back with food for Luke...smelt so good....bitch!!  I got up and walked a lap and peed again, and then I slept.

8:00 - Arrive and pay *smile smile*
8:30 - Get to room and volunteer came in and took vitals.
8:45 - I'm changed and waiting.  Mom took a funny picture of me (anything to lighten the mood)
9:00 - A tech comes in and starts my IV.  It was a very small vein, so she did not give me anything to numb the spot.  (Ouch!  Mother F**ker!!!)  The anastesiologist comes in and introduces herself.  She gives me a shot in the belly to thin my blood to prevent blood clots.  (Ouch!  Come on already!!!!)  She then says she is giving me something to relax me, but not fall asleep.  I guess I fell asleep anyway, because that is the last thing I remember.

***The following was written by my mom***
9:45 - They just wheeled my little girl down the hall to take the biggest step of her life.  Even though I am here, she must do this alone.  I was there for every 1st step of hers, but this is bigger than she even realizes.  It will change "every" aspect of her life.  It will change how people "see" her but most important, it will change how she "sees" herself.  I always knew how special she was from her very first breath, but now hopefully she will see the person I have always seen.
~My many memories of Halona ~
Aug 20, 1976 - BEAUTIFUL! - Dark hair, wide eyes, shuttering jaw, little perfect finger nails, eager, content.  She fit in my arms like she never had been anywhere else... 
Proud Grandma - scratching, "Oh she's just a doll!  She's a living doll!"
At home - hours alone together.  Cuddling, playing, talking, dreaming.  Never apart.  Always fun.
The farm - "Hi Dit!" ~ Hi Jip (the dog).  "Beech" ~ Chicken noise
Grandpa's girl - sharing a big bowl of chocolate ice cream in his big rocking chair.
In the garden with Grandma
In the jumper - jump, jump, jump
Eating cheerios and watching the Muppet Show - LOVED GONZO!!
"I gotta dar!  I gotta dar!" ~ I got a star (potty reward)  All adults crowded around the little plastic potty to see Halona's pee pee!
Off to Texas - I can read!!  Texaco was the first word she read at age 2 1/2.  Hiding from the "Golden Arches" all the way cross country!
Travel trailer, day care center, sleeping on the "tot" and "Don't tiss me infront of the tids ma!"  
Long, dark hair, ballet classes, "thunder thighs".  
All our friends, Mike and Sue, Robert and Glenda, Bill and Ruth.  
Mommie in nursing school "I hate when she doesn't play with me anymore cause she has to study.  But I still love chocolate ice cream!"
Grandma on the telephone, she comes to see me.  She loves me the most...and I know it.  Remember - I'm just a living doll!!
I like Willie Nelson!!  I like my boots and cowboy hat.  AND I love my tutu (dad called it a fourfour) I wear it every day with my Wonder Woman under-roos.
I lay on the rug in front of the TV and my butt in the air and my tutu sticking up.
I don't ever like being told what to do.  So I run away to Mike and Sue's.  They love me.  They gave me a stuffed racoon!
Grandma and Grandpa came to visit.  We had fun!  I didn't want them to leave, so I hid the car keys inside the coffee table.
I can ride my bike with training wheels!  We have tea parties outside!  I like that the best!
11:45 - The doctor's just came out and said she did ok.
Ahhhh I can breathe again!!

***The following was written by me again***
I don't know what time it is, but PAIN, PAIN, FIRE, FIRE!!!  They are making me move from one bed to another in my room.
I'm yelling and telling them I have to pee.  They say that I have a catheder in, so I need to just go.  The feeling went away finally and I fell asleep.  I drift in and out of sleep because of the pain.  Everytime I wake, I hit the Morphine button and look for Mom, but she must still be gone to pick up the kids from school.
My RN is Freda and my Tech is Mary and they come in to take vitals and I still can't make out the clock, or can't remember the time.  A tech comes in to teach me about breathing exercises.  Can't I sleep for awhile?  At least he was cute and funny.  Oh it hurts to laugh!!!  He told me to turn on the TV and to do 3 sets during commercials while I am awake.  I sleep good until my IV buzzers go off at 8 pm.  I call the nurse and see Mom in her bed!!!  Yay!!!!  Mommy!!!!  I almost start to cry!!  I haven't been so glad to see someone!!!  We talk and she gets me things I have wanted since I first woke up.  We sleep off and on. 

Well, today was supposed to be my birthday, but it looks like it will be tomorrow.  I got there at 6:00am and was told that I needed $2700 right then.  I told her that I didn't have it and then she said she needed at least $1000.  I said no, every time I asked what I needed to pay that morning, I was told they didn't know, so all me and Mom had on us at the moment was $400.  She had me wait while she talked to her supervisors and then told me that at first they said it was ok, but I owed a previous balance of $44.83 so my surgery is cancelled.  I told her that I have $44 cash in my purse and I can pay $444 now, but she said it didn't matter.  I waited from 6:30 until 8:00 to talk to someone named Pam Cruz and all that accomplished was getting me so mad that I started hyperventilating.  I know it was all my fault, I didn't need her to repeat that over and over.  All I wanted was for her to agree that I should have been told what I needed to pay ahead of time - 4 weeks ago - at my pre-op testing.  I could have paid my past due balance then.  She got all "ghetto" on me saying that she knows her policy and how irresponsible I am for not knowing mine.  I called my doctor and he said that someone from his office would call me back.  I didn't wait, I went up to his office right then and talked to Cheryl, his nurse, and she calmed me down and said that it wasn't right and she would get some answers and call me back.  But that I was most definately going to have to pay $1200 on the morning of my rescheduled surgery.  On the drive home, me and Mom put our heads together (and with me on my Xanax calm down....oh I love that drug) we figured out how to get $1200.  Before we left Frisco, she was calling me back to say that they rescheduled my surgery for tomorrow at 9:30 and if I paid $1200 there would be no problems.  Which I think this was for the best.  All last night I had a bad feeling and it started pouring down rain when we got to the hospital.  My Godmother, Lois, called saying that she was relieved I didn't have it because she was getting bad vibes all day.  Luke hugged me and said that he was glad because he didn't hug me enough yesterday.  So maybe something would have gone wrong and tomorrow is just the day that I'm meant to have success.  We'll see.  I will talk to you all on the "other side".

Well, this is my last night before I cross over to the "other side".  I have alot of mixed emotions but for the most part, I'm excited.  I did tear up once and it was when I kissed Luke goodnight.  And out of nowhere a thought popped in my head saying "This could be the last time he gets a hug from his Mommy."  Oh God!  Here I go crying again!  I just love him so much and I'm not ready to leave him yet.  But he deserves so much more than what I can give him now.  I need to take the chance to give him a Mom that can ice skate with him, ride rides with him, or hell...just walk around the mall with him!!
Well, I'm tired so, off to bed with an early rise to go to the hospital.
Luv Luv

Today I went to my Pre-Op Consultation with my surgeon.  I haven't lost anything since my testing, but I didn't gain anything either...Go Me!!  I talked with Cheryl, the bariatric nurse (not to be confused with Sheryl the bariatric coordinator) and she took my picture (yee-haw), gave me some paperwork on my diet and after care and she also gave me a book called "Living Light" or something like that.  I only skimmed through it, but frankly, if I don't know enough about wls at this stage of my journey to have to read a book, then I'm in deep shit.  Then I talked with Dawn, the surgery assistant.  She was so nice and answered all my questions like a trooper (I'm a freak) and gave me a run down on what the surgery will be like.  Then Dr. Cribbins came in and asked if I had any questions for him but Dawn answered most of them already and he didn't really talk much.  But what is there to say?  I just kept stammering about how nervous I am.  And he was comforting.  I'm starting to freak out.  I have been training a girl to be my relief for the past 2 and a half weeks now and so it has been hard to get on here to post anything.  I'll have all the time in the world next week, so you'll hear from me more.  Just so many things are running in my head, you just wouldn't believe it, unless you are in my shoes.  There is definately mixed emotions.  I'm definately happy and I know this is the best decision for me.  But all the time I get that little voice that says "If you don't make it through the surgery, can you say that this was the last resort?"  or it says "You failed at everything else, what makes you think you will succeed at this?"  Ok, I'm going to take some Xanax and go to bed, I'll post more later.

Today I did all my pre-op testing.  I arrived at Presbyterian Hospital at 7:30.  First I see a guy at the front desk who gave me a wrist band and had me sign a bunch of papers for today's work and the surgery.  So I had to sign two of everything.  He walks me down the hall to the "Patient Services" room and they send me to a room that just looks like a standard room at my doctor's office.  It was next door to a room that was under construction so I got to hear the lovely jack hammer and drill saw while I waited.  The nurse, "the chronic yawner", came in and weighed me....313? Yikes!!....Then she took my blood pressure, drew 3 vials of blood and asked me a bunch of questions.  She then told me to take off my shirt and bra and lay on the bed so that she can give me a EKG.  She hooked up wires to my chest, two feet, two arms and all around the under part of my left boob.  The reading ended up coming out abnormal because the jack hammer next door was slightly vibrating my bed.  So she told me to get dressed and to come back after my tests in Radiology because hopefully the construction work will be done.  She took me down another hall to Radiology where I sat with a bunch of other people in a waiting room.  I didn't sit long before a man came out and took me down yet another hall to the Ultrasound room.  I was alone in the dark (I wanted to ask "What's up with the lights?" but I was afraid to find out).  Well some sweet little bitty girl came out, "the mistress of pain", and told me to follow her for my Ultrasound.  She led me into another dark room with a bed and big machine.  She told me to take off my shirt and bra and to lay down.  She then started digging into my ribcage with the ultrasound wand.  I swear it seemed like forever and it made me have to fart!  Then she left me alone in the dark to wipe off the goo from my stomach and get dressed.  I felt like a school girl who just got taken advantage of.  She then walked me back to the radiology waiting room where again the same guy walked me to the xray room.  In the first room, a nurse named Michelle had me remove my shirt and bra (I started to see a pattern) and put on the hospital gown then she took a few xrays of my chest and walked me into another room for my barium swallow.  They had me stand infront of this wall and take two swallows of barium (didn't taste too bad) then they told me gulp the "fizzies" (uuugh tasted like semen with crushed up sweet tarts) then chase it with another gulp of barium.  They told me not to burp while they watched it go down.  So now I had to burp and fart!  Then they layed the wall down into a bed and told me to get on it on my right side while I gulp the barium through a straw.  Then the left side.  I just knew that I was going to shoot the shit out my nose all over the tech who was holding the cup.  They then said I could get dressed.  I headed back to my second attempt at a EKG and it was successful.  This new nurse only had me lift up my shirt instead of take everything off.  Afterwards I had to go to Dr. Cribbins office to take a few breathilizer tests.  One was for H.Pylori and the other...well...I don't know what it was for.  Then the other one was to determine what my matabolizim is.  She gave me some vitamin and protein samples and sent me on my way.  I have been burping and farting ever since.

I got my letter from Cindy at Dr. Cribbins office yesterday.  I put all the info below under the "Surgery Schedule" section.  They told me that my fee to them will only be $609.  And only $294 of that is for the surgeon to perform the surgery itself (if there are no problems).  I called her to make sure that this was not just for the pre-tests since it seems kind of low to me and she said no it was an estimate on everything.  I still will need to pay for the hospital and anastesiologist (sp?), but she said the bulk of what I pay total would be from the hospital.  I called mom because this is making me freak out again.  I am having to pay $300 or so more dollars to my surgeon than I had expected.  I should be able to have the whole $609 by it's due date, but by the time of my surgery, I may only have maybe $500.  I hate not knowing how much I need before surgery and I am bitching myself out for not being more attentive as to what I need to save.  It's like I have been planning on not being able to get the surgery.  I hate when I do that.  Mom made me promise not to freak out about it.  She swears that it will work out, but she didn't quite convince me.  Hopefully I will get off this obsession soon because it is really dragging me down.

I have a date!!!  My "new" birthday will be October 10th!  I go September 20th to get all my pre-op tests done and then again on October 4th to meet with the surgeon.  My surgery is scheduled for 7:30 and I have to be there by 6:00 AM.  At least I don't have to wait all day for my time.  I'll be so droggy and still half asleep that I won't have time to process it all (hopefully).  She (Cindy) then told me that she would send me a letter with all my out of pocket information (~*wahnt wahnt waaaaah*~)  What a mood killer!!!  Anyway, I'm stoked and ready to go.  I'm not nervous yet, that will probably hit me the night before.  My boss is not too happy, but oh well.  I just hope he doesn't find something to fire me for before surgery!!  lol.

*12:00 PM ~ I still have not heard from Sheryl so I called Cigna.  I
talked to Lisa and she put me on hold to find out.  After what seemed
like forever, she got back on the line and said that they were waiting on something from the doctor and that was why it was Pending (no shit
"Sherlock").  She then went on to say that they just got what they needed this morning so it would be Monday before they know anything.  I told her that I got confirmation that it was received by the review nurse yesterday morning.  She then said "Yeah, they got something, but ended up needing something else and they got that this morning."  Whatever.  I wish now that Sheryl didn't tell me it would take only 48 hrs.  If I was still thinking it would be over a month, I wouldn't be freaking out as bad as I am now.  I know one week from the original submission is not very long at all, but when I'm told "Monday or Tuesday" or "tomorrow morning" that's kind of what I get my hopes set for.  I also am stressed because I found out this morning that my boss is going in for knee surgery next Thursday and doesn't know when he will be back.  Which means I now don't know when I can schedule my surgery for.  Will he back in a month?  two months?  And he doesn't seem to care that I have a surgery to schedule too.  I feel bad for him and all because I know he is in pain and I hear that that is hard to recover from, but can't we at least talk about training a temp to come in and answer phones or to do dispatch in case he's not back in 6 weeks...instead of him just blowing me off?  I get his idea that I'm not in pain and that this is not a life or death situation, but....man!....I'm just ready to start my life.
*4:00 PM ~ I just got a call from Cindy at Dr. Cribbins office.  Guess
who got approved.....Yay!!!!!!!!!  I've been crying and jumping up and
down.  I'm glad no one was in here because they would have thought I
was crazy!!!!!!  She wanted to schedule me as early at next week.  I told
her the situation with my boss and she said that she doesn't want to
schedule me in October, November or December, because that is when everyone gets their surgery because their deductibles are met by then.  And if we schedule it for October and my boss is not back yet, they may not have any dates available for the rest of the year.  She told me to think about it and talk it over with him and call her back tomorrow morning.  He's already gone for the day, so I will have to talk to him
tomorrow morning.  I think I'm just going to tell him, that we have a window of up until October 6th maybe October 13th.  I mean, they should be able to come up with a back up plan right?  What if I get
appendicitis, or have to have my gall bladder out, what would they do then?  And like my mom says, they can't fire me for taking off for surgery.  I can get my surgery and if they give me too much of a hard time, I can always work someplace else.  Screw 'em.  I know one thing, I won't let them get me down!  Because I got approved!!!!!  WOOOOHOOOO!!!!!!