1 year ago today!

May 05, 2010

Today is my Surgiversay! It's been one year ago today. What a year it has been!

My scale this morning said 255 (from 398 a year ago). I have tried not to be obsessed with the numbers.
I had a really really long stall and I thought I had broken my pouch or that it just had a short life. I was really bummed for awhile. I had to take a close honest look at my behavior though. We get free soda all day long at work...I was drinking diet soda. I gave up my gym membership to try to save $$. I half assed guessed at my protein intake and did not always remember to take my vitamins. I got depressed. Started smoking again. Sampled fast food (not a good idea!). Broke up with my girlfriend and have no idea how to date ( I'm Bi with a heavy lean towards Gay). Then a person my age in my community died very suddenly and It kinda shook me awake. I am pressing 40 and was falling back into the trap of not taking care of myself. I felt like the window of opportunity of using my pouch as a tool was quickly closing. So I had a mini internal freak out and then I woke up!! So recently I started my vitamins, I drink at least 96oz of liquid a day, 1 protein shake a day, NO SODA, stopped smoking(mostly), and the scale is starting to move again. So it's not broken...I just have to play by the rules. They are there for a reason. I hate rules!! Seriously though...if you happen to be reading this and you are early out. Follow them and don't compare your loss to others it's a masochistic exercise.



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9 Months Out...

Feb 17, 2010

What an interesting process this has been. The weight loss has slowed down. I have had long stalls and A LOT of stress!
I am still losing slowly and most days I am okay with that. For a while it felt like things were changing really fast...now it's more gradual.
Around this time last year we had to order Polo shirts for a company picture...mine had to be special ordered at a 5XL... this year I ordered a 2XL and it will probably be a little loose.
I am in a size 42 jeans and they are starting to feel baggy. What a weird experience that is. I have not been this size since I was a kid. Sometimes it doesnt seem real. I look at the size on my clothes and and I think "this must be a joke I know there should be a few more "X's" on this label-but they are not there.
My undershirts I like to call them boybeaters instead of wifebeaters are size L!
I look in the mirror and I dont seem all that different. I think this is how I always imagined myself. I only see the difference if I look at a before pic.

I also have gotten the opportunity to see how I stop showing up for myself. I dont count protein or carbs. I avoid sugar.
I sometimes eat things I shouldn't (fast food). I don't exercise every day. I am not perfect. I know I have some shit to work out. I find myself sometimes laying in bed at night thinking tomorrow I will do better.....I used to do that before surgery except it was....tomorrow I will not eat, or I will go on a diet, or start exercising. I am noticing the pattern and figuring out how to keep my goals a priority.
I have had a lot of life stressors...a breakup...my mom has been very ill...my little sister has relapsed (drugs)...work is demanding....there is never enough money...etc..etc... I think the stress and bad habits creeping in is really what is slowing me down.
Also, I think I have a lot of fear of becoming a bag of skin and not having resources to have surgery.

There have been a few wow moments...
Of course buying the Size 42 jeans.....riding on a plane and not needing a seat belt extender...walking 2 miles and then biking 3....walking up 2 flights of stairs and not being out of breath....having a gap between the steering wheel and my belly. Yeah cool stuff.

It has not been perfect...but it has been pretty great.



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almost 3 mo. out.

Jul 25, 2009

What an interesting transition this has been. Today I walked into a store and bought a size 48 jeans (on sale of course) I didn't think they would fit...they did. That's a 54/56 to a 48. I also have found a few XXL shirts that fit.
It's sad saying good bye to some of my clothes. I liked them ...they were my armor. Now I try them on and look like a little boy playing dress up in his daddy's clothes.

I was not prepared for the emotional rollercoaster ( and still am reeling in many ways) . I did not realize how much I used food to numb myself , soothe myself, or take the edge off of a stressful day until I had to break up with the drive thru and not be able to stuff a butt load of sadness and anger down with a super-sized "value" meal or even with a bulk amount of 'whole foods" . I was not a binger ... but I was a bulk eater. I often ate healthy foods ...just a lot of them and leaned really heavy on the carbs. There have been days lately where I feel like I may jump out of my skin....where I feel this huge distracting craving but for something I can't quite put my finger on. I find myself angry sometimes that the tools (ie: cheeseburgers) that worked for me before are no longer available to me.

I wonder if I am using my new tool (pouch) the right ways...I second guess myself...I make sure that every thing I put in my mouth is protein first....I sometimes forget my vitamins...and don't have a regular exercise plan....although I take the stairs every day at work, I swim at least 2 times a week, I had a diet soda and liked it.  Some days I am really tired and others days I feel like I HAVE to move and keep moving.

I worry about getting too small....for some there is no such thing....for me there is. I worry about losing my broad shoulders.
I worry about the extra skin (mostly upper arms). My wish is to be solid not jiggly. I am starting to jiggle. My range of motion is back and I am freaky flexible. I love that part.  I obsessively check the mirror to look for thinning hair and wrinkles now that I am deflating. As they say " Fat don't crack" . :) I know some people have surgery and suddenly look a lot older. I will be 38 soon. I would rather not look it. Not yet.

I have stopped getting on the scale every day...I broke that habit when I had the typical stall at 3 weeks. And like most others I was convinced that I was not going to lose. I lost. I am at 305 tonight. 93 lbs from my highest weight and 84lbs for my first consult with my Doctor.

I don't remember a time as an adult when I was under 300 lbs or when my pants size didn't start with a 5*. I grew up in a small town. I remember my mother taking me shopping for school clothes for my first year of middle school. This was always a less then pleasant affair.  We didn't have very much money. I had outgrown the 'husky' sizes long ago.
( Interesting...."Husky" is now one of my favorite words)  I was well into men's sizes that point.  We didn't have a Mall, a Walmart ( I don't even think Walmart existed then) , or a Casual Male. The jeans only went up to size 42. And the size 42's wouldn't even make it half way up my thighs. This made my at her wits end, and feeling totally embarrassed, mother very angry....and me a humiliated pre teen trying to get out of the unforgiving jeans and out of the store before the other kids and parents heard her talking to the less than understanding clerk about having to 'special order'  my pants  and the price involved.  Shhhhhheeeeshhh.... see memories just bubbling to the surface.   :::Chuckle:::  I wonder if that is why I get such satisfaction from a great thrift store find that fits.

I have to decide if I should just keep donating my clothes to the thrift stores so some other Chub can have awesome clothes for cheap or if I should try to have a big ass yard sale...Ha! Maybe that's what I should call it. "Big Ass Yard Sale Size 50 and up! "  I could use the funds to replenish. I have looked at EBAY and don't see many people buying there.

So that is my all over the place update.

Next month, I go home to San Francisco and see lots of people I haven't seen in a long time. Most of which have no idea I had surgery. ( That is a whole different post)   Ironically I am going for a conference where I am speaking on a panel called
'King Sized: Fat Butches and Boys on Well-Built Masculinity'  

Good Times.

1 comment

3 days Post Op

May 08, 2009

So I had my surgery on 5/6 and everything went really well. I was suprised just how easy it all was. There was not alot of pain.
It felt like taking a quick nap and waking up with a whole new plumbing system. So far I have been walking and sipping ...walking and sipping...repeat....  The folks at Rex Hopsital were amazing. The hospital it's self was really nice. All private rooms...WIFI.....LCD Tv's...room service...(really they have a huge room service menu that you can order from all day long...well unless you are a WLS patient) The nurses and the rest of the staff were incrediable. I feel fortunate that I had such a good experience.

Today is my first full day at home...it was nice getting a full nights sleep with no disruptions. I am learning a little more about my pouch....I crushed up my sleep med and mixed it with apple juice....Man it hit me fast!! I would say 2 minutes after taking it I was nodding. I can imagine that's how alcohol would work...although I am not testing that...not for a long time. I always have been a cheap date though.

The only thing I can complain about is the persistant bad taste in my mouth. I hear it gets better...but for now it grosses me out a bit.

Overall I feel really lucky.
1 comment

21 lbs gone since 3/10/09!

Apr 21, 2009

I am still pre op but I have lost 21lbs since March 10th! I Also took "Official Before Pics" today. Yeahhh....not my best photos...but hey in 6 mos who is gonna care!
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Grrrrrr.....

Apr 17, 2009

This process is so stressful!!
I get a call from my doctors office today to confirm my pre-op appt with my surgeon on 4/21. They also mention they want to discuss payment. I am totally cool...cause I have already planned for and budgeted the $500 deductible and the remainder of the admin fee $125 plus the $30 copay for the visit. So imagine my surprise when she said I would need to have $1025 for the doc on Tuesday!! apparently they have changed their policies and now require the 20% co insurance prior to surgery.  So that tacks on another $370! THEN she proceeded to tell me that the hospital has "begun reinforcing their policy to collect co insurance prior to surgery" so be prepared to pay the hospital $630 too!! Now when I went in for my consult I was told that I would need to pay the deductible $500 the $250 admin fee and co pays for office visits...any co insurance would be paid after the surgery. They even said if the hospital tries to collect money form me the day of surgery I should have them call the office! WTF? Now I get a call at 5pm on a Friday to say I need to have a significant (for me) additional amount of money before Tuesday, and the the Hospital portion by May 4th. If I don't have it figured out by Tuesday I will have to cancel my surgery.
It seems supremely %$!@ up to change a policy after a date has been scheduled and plan has been made. As if money wasn't stressful enough these days.
I am sooo frustrated and disappointed.
1 comment

I got a date!

Mar 26, 2009

May 6th!
5 comments

About Me
Oakland, CA
Location
42.9
BMI
RNY
Surgery
05/06/2009
Surgery Date
Apr 06, 2007
Member Since

Friends 40

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