jamabowers

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Well its been one year now and boy oh boy is it amazing how fast time has gone by! I am so thankful for today and every day that I can get up and walk with ease, go to work and not wonder how I am going to make it through the day, wake up on my day off and think "what am I going to do today?" instead of  spending all day sitting in my chair recouperating from the day before, and so on. I could go on and on... 

For anyone new, this surgery saved my life! If you have had your surgery already and feel like you aren't loosing fast enough, don't worry! It will come off. You may not be a size 6 by the time your done, BUT you will be healthier and more alive than you have been in years. This isn't a be all that ends all to your weight loss success, but an incredible tool that will enable you to take the time to listen to your body and heed what it is saying to you. DO NOT override this gift! You may or maynot be able to eat the same things anymore, this is a very independent thing among us all, but I do know that if your real quiet and listen, then you will begin to feel what your body likes and dislikes.

I am but a baby in this new body...I've never been this size that I can remeber what it felt like. I feel like I have won the lotto! What I couln't do for myself, my encredibly skilled surgeon Dr. Robert Read did with his hands. Thank you Dr. Read! I have a ways to go yet but know this everyone...I am confident in my ability to remain vigorous and healthy, and to NEVER return to the dark prison that I created for myself.

Thank you to all of you out there, my OH family for your questions that I would read, for your profiles to peruse, for your kind words and even for the hard words too (because we don't all respond to the same stimuli)! I love and appreciate each and every one of you. May grace, blessings, and peace be upon you all and success may you have in your fight against the beast of obesity!

Last but not least! Tahnk you James Wayne Bowers! My wonderful husband and BFF! I once heard that this surgery makes good marriages great and bad marriages worse...well honey I didn't think it was possible but you are the most incredible, giving, truly magnificient partner and friend. I am blessed by you and love you more every day! To my boys...thak you both for not making the changes we have been thgouh this year hard. I know giving up soda and candy everyday wasn't easy, but you did it! Mom and Dad...thanks for keeping the faith and praying all of those prayers when I had it so rough from time to time. I'm sure there are still going to be those times ahead, but I know that I can make it through because you are there for me! To all my other family and friends...Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Praise the Lord for He is so good! Thank you Jesus for your blessings on me!

I Made it! I really made it!  199.2Lbs!!!!!!! Praise The Lord!!!!!

I am so dang frustrated ladies! I have been at a stall and even gained like 5lbs. I was snacking in the night and nibbling here and there too. What was I thinkinging. I even snacked last night too...I am feeling very messed up!!! I started the 5day pouch test just to get back on track and feel it has helped. Of course I've been PMSing too and that sure makes it worse, so for me today I really need a few words of encouragement. I know we all go through some crazy stuff and we have been through so many changes, but I am feeling overwhelmed! OK, I've whinned enough for now, but if anyone has any words for me I sure would apprecate em ;>)

So, if you are reading this then you know I have posted some pictures of me. Very amazing how much of a change has taken place in only 9 months! I am very greateful for the blessings I have been given, the tool in my body that is so very sensitive and for the countless number of you out there who in you own way have helped me this far on the journey.

It has been only 9 months and I am only really just now grasping the truth of gastric bypass surgery and the changes it helps to create in our lives. I will never be the same. I can never be the same. I chose a permanant change and am so glad that there was a way to come away from obesity and its horrible death grip!! PTL! LOL!

Anyway, look at the pics and if you haven't had your surgery date yer, try and imagine what lies ahead for you. Never loose hope...you are so much stronger than you realize and mightier than a lion, eagle, bear, etc. Fight for this like never before...you win every time you walk and feel the freedom of a light step, no longer pant after a few short steps, take the stairs instead of the elevator, slip into that booth freely, and so much more. This surgery is above and beyond the very best thing I have ever done for myself.

Thank you Lord!

Now that a whole lot of time has passed since the start of my new life, I think I want to put up some goals and put in print some solid evidence I can see to keep me going along.

Weight:

Most ever: 378lbs+

Goal: Docs: 135lbs
           Husbands: 180lbs
           Mine: 150lbs

Progress:

At surgery 12-03-08: 350.4
                   01-03-09: 310.4
                   02-03-09: 295.6
                   03-03-09: 284.0
                   04-03-09: 273.0
                   05-03-09: 260.0
                   06-03-09: 246.4     100lbs+ gone!
                   07-03-09: 237.5
                   08-03-09: 225.0
                   09-03-09: 212.2
                   10-03-09:
                   11-03-09:
1 year out 12-03-09: 194.3

Supplements: 2 fusions 3 times daily for the rest of my life!
                          biotin, zinc, vit D, B12 sublinguals  to keep me going
                          AT LEAST 64 oz of WATER drink more if you can 
                          Protien: powders, bars and shakes as needed


Exercise:

At this point I have NOT began to exercise regularly It is through this blog that I hope to incentivise myself and to achieve better health at the next level. So here and now I will set forth a written plan and exicute it accordingly!!

Ride 30 minutes daily on the stationary bike 5 days a week. Goal date: 10-03-09

Add in 20 minutes of strength training 3 days a week. Goal date: 11-03-09

Meetings/Support:

Attend vigalantly as never before...I really need these. 2nd Saturday of the month. 11am

As I think of things to add, I will!





 

Well it has been some time since posting and Lord knows I don't do it very often, but I feel like its time to make some headway on this. Here and now is a hard place to live when you are not able to pop a piece of food in your mouth to cover up feelings and emotions that are growing and showing! Am I right people?! I know I am...I don't think I ever really knew myself. Not really. I work so hard at becoming what I thought everyone else was wanting from me that I just buried all of me in a layer of fat soooo thick that nothing could penetrate it.

I am amazed at how raw my emotions are and have become. I feel as though the layers being peeled away have really been a catalyst to change in my person. My personal identity! Who the hell am I anyway? Good golly, I know my surgical team really tried to prepare me for these changes, but if they only knew the true nature of these changes and how a lifetime of stuffing (literally) feelings must change overnight; I know they would try even harder to help us all understand what to expect. It seems to me that it can be very easy for me to exchange one obsession (food) with another (anger, self loathing, secluding, etc.). So, I am trying hard to understand me and what it means to me to make this transformation. Loosing sooo much of a persons physical being so fast is a bit unnerving, but dear Lord I would do it all again today. I cry for myself then and now. Can anyone say Pandora?

So, for now I am happy. Super family and a job that pays the bills. God keeping me in the palm of His hand and showing me more mercy than I have ever known. Looking for the peace some days as I know I tend to be a little dramatic...THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! YOU ARE MY OH FAMILY AND WITH OUT YOU ALL HERE I WOULD HAVE BEEN SO LOST!

Hey everyone! I am very pleased to announce that I am not near the sicko I was in my one and only blog from last year.

I have to say that I was holding onto so much pain and anguish about my weight/food issues that it really came out in what I wrote.

BUT today is a new day...bright and shining , so the world isn't nearly the sinister place to me as it once was. Hopefully this isn't a honeymoon phase but I am just so happy to be here a lottle (not to be confused with little) smaller and with a lottle more energy. I did of course have a couple of extra hospital stays for infection and a horrible bout of C-diff that is now nearing the end of its run since I'm on very expensive (co-pay $333.27) antibiotic. But I would do it all over again as God is my witness!!!

Its been 2 months and I'm sown 60lbs. My sleep apnea is gone, I can wipe like normal girls do in the bathroom (front and  back), I can fit into any booth I want to , I'm not afraid that people are staring at me because I'm soooo big anymore, I am off my antidepressant, I love to see what size I will fit into next, blah, blah, blah!!! I could literally go on and on. I have of course tested the waters a little with our food plan but for the most part I am faithful about eating my 1/4 c ration three times a day.  I do still have nausea and have to be soooo careful about getting my fluids in. Vitamins have been difficult too but I'm doing it nonetheless.

Things at work have been weird since I have been back and forth so much but I know I have job security so AMEN to that!
Things are also very exciting at home as my husband has been full of passion for me since we met 17 years ago, but now we are finding one another again. Not in bed YET since I've been too ill, but I got me some plans for Valentine's day baby!

My oldest son JUST graduated from high school. SOOOO PROUD!!!
My baby boy is happy as a clam his momma isn't gonna die from being too fat.
My daddy feels the same way, and so does momma.

Life is just so good I can't even begin to say just how happy I am...when there was no hope, I thought endlessly about my size, my shape, how repulsive I was, the pain of just moving was overwhelming. The physical pain was only the tip of the iceberg though. And as family here at OH we know the mental pain we have all endured and still re-live in so many ways. It is better now though. So much better.

THANK YOU LORD JESUS!

Thank you all for your all of the wonderful people you are and may each and everyone be blessed beyond compare...

Today is of course another work day but it is even more than that! It is somewhere around the 10,000th day that I will obsess about my body, my weight, my desire to look like the beautiful people who look at me like I'm a freak in a horror show. I mean really, who even stops to think about how many days we have all put into thinking about things that are not only not worth it but that also damage us from the inside out!?

I work hard taking care of myself! Bull-crap!!!! I give in constantly and feel like a failure every day. I suppose if I were to really think about it I would have to say that overall I seem pretty happy. People look at me and assume that I am self fulfilled and at peace with all...but I tell you one minute inside my head with the "poor little fat girl" and they would all run screaming!!!!!!!!!! 

Is it that I have been sabotaging myself to fail? Do I masochistically seek to fulfill something deep and dark within me that only a well educated shrink could even begin to understand? I don't know...HONESTLY! 

I hope I'm not being too glib...I guess today I feel as though there is something inherent in me that could allow me to misuse "the tool". God forbid it should ever come to that. I mean I say to myself and out loud, how could anyone loose all the dead weight and then gain it back again? BUT, we have all heard the stories of someone who did. Am I right? So, I guess what it all amounts up to is that I am scared. Scared of failing myself because after all the years and thousands of days I have spent in solitary self loathing I am willing to make it all stop. Not for them, but for me. For the "poor little fat girl" inside who really wants to be thin for the first time in her entire life. So much so that she (I) is willing to put every single bit of herself into this thing called gastric bypass and the program surrounding it. As God is my witness I will never be the same again and the "poor little fat girl" is gonna have to find a new name.