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What Am I Feeding -- Disappointment Or... my skewed thinking. Today I received a phone call from Barix that was something other than an approval.  Not a denial, just a more waiting kind of phone call.  I experienced the emotion "Disappointment".  I want chocolate.  Hmmmmmm.  Food feeds hunger.  Food does not feed disappointment.  What feeds disappointment? How the hell should I know?  I've fed everything with food since I was 8 years old!!!  I want chocolate!  Chocolate will make me feel better.  Chocolate will take away the disappointment. That's completely ridiculous!  Will chocolate approve your surgery?  Will it make time go by faster so you can get your approval faster?  No.  You need to FEEL the disappointment.  Oh, screw that!  Disappointment feels yucky.  It feels nasty.  It's unpleasant.  I don't like it!  Not to mention the fact that I really don't have TIME to feel anything right now.  I'm busy working.  And later on I'll go home and cook dinner and work my second job and homeschool my daughter.  I don't have time to feel things!!!  Chocolate is so much more convenient.  I have time for chocolate! Fast forward, Jill.  You are post-op.  You experience a disappointment.  Will you turn to chocolate then?  Or any food?  Won't that defeat the purpose of the surgery, and of trying to get your life back on track? I don't know what to do with this disappointment besides eat.  Help.

"Figure out, What Are You Feeding."  So... thinking about this, I've decided that step one is to identify your feelings.

What if I am feeling sad?  Food satisfies hunger.  It does not satisfy sadness.  What does satisfy sadness?  For me it would be tears.  Food would help me "stuff" my feelings.  Now I would try to feel them.  Accept the sadness.  Own it.  Experience it.  Know that it won't kill you and it's okay to feel that way.  

When you feel you have had enough of feeling the sadness, then you can think of ways to combat it.  I think I would have to turn to the serenity prayer for myself:  Is it something I can't change?  Then I would seek serenity.  Is it something I can change?  Then I would seek courage?  Do I have no clue?  Then I would seek wisdom.

The death of a beloved relative or a beloved pet is not something we can change, but we can take a positive step to honor the dead.  We can write a poem or a story; send a card to someone else who is feeling the loss; make a scrapbook or other craft in their honor; plant a tree in their memory.

January 20, 2007 -- spoke to PCP about GBS.

February 7, 2007 -- Consultation with Dr. Pupkova at Barix

February 19, 2007 -- Sleep Study, Part 1

February 21, 2007 -- Sleep Study, Part 2

March 8, 2007 -- Psych Eval, Part 1
                               Cardiology Consultation
                                Received CPAP Machine

March 15, 2007 -- Stress Test

March 21, 2007 -- Cardiac Catheterization.  All normal.

April 2, 2007 -- Got psych eval report

April 10, 2007 -- Barix Support Group Meeting

April 11, 2007 -- Everything submitted to insurance.

April 14, 2007 -- H. Pylori blood test

May 4, 2007 -- Received Insurance Approval Letter

May 15, 2007 -- I HAVE A DATE!!!!!!!  (May 31, 2007)

May 17, 2007 -- Pre Admission Testing

May 31, 2007 -- Surgery Done

June 2, 2007 -- Discharged home after surgery

June 6, 2007 -- Follow up Appointment

I don't want this journey to be about numbers.  I don't want it to be about my weight numbers, inches numbers, size numbers.  So, here are some questions to ask myself when I'm wondering how I'm doing down the road:

How do you feel?  Do you have energy?  Can you walk up a flight of stairs easily?  Can you fit comfortably in a chair with arms?  Are you eating your protein?  Are you drinking your water?  Have you exercised today?  Did you put on your socks this morning?  Has anyone said you look good today?  How is your blood pressure?  How is your blood sugar?  Are you having any cravings?  Are you satisfied with the amount of food you are eating?  Are you hungry?  

I'm gonna ask my OH friends for some more ideas.

Had a few appointments yesterday that went well.  I had part 1 of my psych eval in the morning.  Dr. Porten reminded me once again that she has a couple of clients who have had the surgery and are doing very well.  She also said that she has a colleague that does the evals so she'll double check with him/her about what, if any, testing needs to be done.  It was only part 1, because we didn't get through all of her questions.  I see her again next Thursday at 3:00.

Then it was off to the cardiologist.  He said everything was fine.  My holter showed the reason for my palpitations, but it is nothing serious.  My EKG was fine.  He does want me to have a stress test though before surgery, because of my family history (both parents had heart attacks in their 60's).  So, that's scheduled for next Thursday at 7:45 a.m.  He also said that he has a couple of patients who have had the surgery with great results.

Finally, at 2:00 my CPAP machine arrived.  I got instructions, and immediately took a short nap with it.  Yeah, I love my naps.  I used it last night and didn't sleep all that well.  I guess it'll take some time to get used to it.  They gave me "nose pillows" instead of a mask.  They left my nose a little sore this morning, and I had the worse "bed face" from the straps!  But I've got 8 hours logged onto the machine already!

So.... I'm a couple of steps closer to surgery. 

I went to my Celebrate Recovery meeting last night.  It's a Christ-centered 12-step program which I am in for food addiction.  It was on the way home, while digesting everything that was said, that I had a revelation.  I wanted to write it down so I don't forget it.

I am insane.  The way I eat is pure craziness.  I stuff myself.  I have no control over food. 

Surgery is not the Answer.  Jesus Christ is the Answer.

So, does that mean surgery is not for me?  But I believe God brought me to the surgery.  But He could instantly take away this craziness.  He could take away my appetite, my gluttony, my cravings, and even my fat, in the blink of an eye.  Why won't He do that?  Why surgery, of all things?

There can only be one reason.  So that I fully rely on Him.  Before surgery I will need to lift up every appointment, every test, every application, every single detail.  Pleading my case, as it were.  Seeking Him while seeking relief.  During surgery I will need to trust Him for my safety, for the doctor's skill, for the procedure to go as planned.  I will have to rely on Him to see that my family is cared for.  After surgery I will have to depend on Him for comfort, strength and protection as I never have before.

The purpose of the surgery is to bring me Victory in Jesus Christ.  The purpose of the surgery is draw me closer to my God and King who loves me so much that He is giving me this opportunity to have new life, even though He has already given me so much, and has promised me eternal life with Him forever.

Surgery isn't the Answer.  Jesus Christ is the Answer.

May I never forget that.

I'm having a "moment."  I want to eat.  No, wait.  I AM eating.  I have a turkey sandwich and 1 c. salad for lunch.  But I want more!  I want lots and lots of Chinese food.  I want to stuff my face.  What is going on?  I'm not particularly hungry.  I do have money in my wallet.  Sounds stupid, but money and food are completely tied together for me.  The fact that I COULD buy food makes me want to buy it.  Certainly the money isn't budgeted for eating out, and I'm supposed to be following a pre-surgery plan.

Now, mind you, I am NOT going to go out and eat, because I'm sitting at my desk finishing my lunch, and I have no desire to leave at this point, besides which, I only have 1/2 hour left for lunch.  I guess I'm a little panicky.  What happens if AFTER surgery I get these intense cravings and crazy desires?  I really need to learn to figure out what's going on inside, feel my feelings, and deal with the real issues, without food.

I don't recognize any issues at this moment.  So what is it?  What is causing my insane desire to stuff myself?  How can I figure this out?

I have my sleep study, part 1, tonight.  Is it weird that I'm looking forward to it?

I had a dream last night wherein I had "rewards" set up for weight loss.  Then this morning I wrote them down in my journal:

25 pounds -  manicure
50 pounds -  pedicure
75 pounds -  hair cut and color
100 pounds - buy a bicycle
125 pounds - buy a new piece of jewelry
150 pounds - take a trip

I also found out that I have to provide medical documentation that I have been severely overweight for at least 5 years.  My current doctor has only known me for 3, so I have to write to my previous doctor to get those records.  

After my sleep study tonight, I'll be one step closer to surgery.

I had my consultation yesterday morning with Dr. Pupkova, who is the new surgeon at Barix. She is wonderful. She is warm and friendly and knowledgeable. She took a lot of time with me, explaining everything about the procedure, and allowing me to ask all my questions. Her experience is impressive. She will be doing a lap RNY for me. When I asked her what results I could expect, she said I should prepare to be the happiest I've ever been. She told me that it is obvious that I am ready and excited. She told me to take lots of pictures as she plans on making me a "poster girl" for weight loss surgery. She ended our visit with a hug. I REALLY like her a lot.

I also met with a nutritionist and was given a pre-surgery diet, which seems pretty easy to follow. I noted that their diet plan includes 6 small meals per day, which what they want you to do following surgery as well. I was happy to hear that because I know that in the past whenever I've eaten that way, I always feel better. I went to the grocery store right after my appointment and bought bunches of healthy food to get me started.

I need to get a letter from my PCP (already asked for it); a cardiology consult (I have an appointment next month); a psych eval (have appointment next week); and a sleep study (don't have that one scheduled yet). They don't think my insurance will give them any problem, considering I have a BMI of over 50 with several co-morbidities. She said it would take 6-8 weeks to schedule surgery, but my PCP said I should figure 6-8 MONTHS. Whenever it happens, I'll be grateful.

I want to jump on a trampoline
I want to sit on a beach chair
I want to cross my legs.
I want to sit on the floor AND get up.
I want to see my collar bone
I want to play tennis
I want to soak in the bathtub.