Pretty Bad Here...

Jan 04, 2009

Hey Everyone~

I hope your New Year is getting off to a great start and your resolutions are coming along!

It's been pretty bad on my end of things. I went through a week of only eating about 8 tablespoons all week a few weeks ago. Now, while the weight is coming off, down 40 pounds today, my health seems to also be decreasing. As of today, all I've had in 4 days is two cheese sticks. I have dumped (thrown up my food) three times in the last week and a half, and it is terrible. I get really bad gas in my throat, but it won't come out. That happens constantly, but when I dump, it gets to the point that it's really hard to breathe, and it keeps getting worse until I throw up. It sounds like I'm gurgling, only it lasts two hours. All in all, dumping takes about an hour, but then it takes about an hour and a half to get rid of the belches. So, after a three hour ordeal, eating just a tablespoon of food isn't worth it.

So, in the last week I've dumped twice, and I've only been able to keep two cheesesticks down. Tonight, for instance, after not eating for four days, I did not want any food. I have been getting these really bad fevers, but have been so cold that I shiver until I feel like I have to throw up. I don't know if you've ever experienced it, but I get so cold, I shiver from the inside out, and it hurts. So, tonight I was shivering while really hot, and Amy encouraged me to try and eat. So, I ate a cheesestick very reluctantly. Mom and her were very worried that I haven't been eating, so I tried. Since I can't drink 30 minutes before or after a meal, the cheesestick leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I usually eat a Sugar Free Crystal Light hard candy, but I lost the bag, so I thought about taking a bite of yogurt to get the cheese taste out of my  mouth. Now mind you, I've gotten to the point that eating food, looking at food, and hearing people talk about food literally makes me gag. I can not stomach any of the foods I can have. All I want are the foods I'm not allowed to eat. Anyway, I ate two teaspoons of the sugar free light yogurt after the cheesestick, and I instantly had horrible pressure in my chest. I was almost in tears waiting for it to pass. I moved and walked around, and after I while, I was able to belch, but I could tell there was more. Then, suddenly, I felt sick, so I ran to the bathroom and dumped. So, after not eating much for four days, and dumping twice, you can see why I don't want food.

Needless to say, I'm calling the surgeon tomorrow. I hate this. And I don't just mean dumping-I hate what I've done to myself. Please don't tell me that it's going to get better--I know it will. Please don't say this is just a phase--I hope it will pass. And please don't remind me of the benefits of the surgery--I'm already experiencing them. For instance, my lower back pain has gone away. I no longer need my high blood pressure medicine or my acid reflux medicine, and I'm not at risk like I was for Diabetes. This I know. But right now, it's not worth it. Yes, I know that in the future, I'll be so happy I did this, but right now, this is the biggest regret of my life. Yes, I said it, my life. I've cried, I've been depressed, I've been angry. And I hate this. But, I know that so many people have it worse than I do, and I should be thankful, which I very much am. This surgery will so positively affect my life, but as for right now, if I could take this surgery back, I would do it without a thought. I hate it, and I'm so mad at myself for doing it. But, I refuse to let that negatively affect my outcome. I will lose this weight. I will be healthier, and happier, and more pain free. But right now, all I want is food. I'm sick of one tablespoon every four days that I throw up. I hate not being able to even look at food. Food was my life, and while I'm working to change that, this is not helping me cope with the loss I forced upon my body.

Sorry if this was such a drab post. I needed to get it off my chest. School starts tomorrow, and I have a lot riding on this semester, so I'll be darned if I let this get in my way of preparing for Graduate School applications and preparations. Thank you all for the support. I appreciate it. I'll talk with you all soon. Thanks, and God Bless.

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