joychaser

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

 Yeah well I have encountered my first techinical difficulty with my lap band. For about two weeks I was having a really difficult time with food. One day I could eat normal and the next day nearly anything I put into my mouth would come back up. It is such a frustrating feeling to me! NOW some people would think, "Awesome, great, I can lose these last stubborn few pounds" BUT NOT ME! I think more along the lines of, "SHIT SHIT SHIT I am getting no nutrients, no vitamins and I am going to die!" Yes a little extreme but I know how important it is to take care of the one and only body GOD has given to me,not to mention this is my second chance around!

SO I decided that after a week of puking my guts out it was time to get assessed. I went to the hospital on Thursday August 30,2007. They take me back to radiology, have me strip down and than it is time for the wonderful yet ever so tasty BARIUM! I chug a lug and turns out not a damn thing is going down! Nope it all just say there right in my esphogas. How gross is that! It just so happened that my surgeon was in the building and they called him in.

So to make a long story short they took ALL and I mean ALL of the fluid out of my band. Now this did cause quite an array of mixed emotions. Emotion # OH MY GOD I am going to get fat again! Emotion #2 How much is this damn bill going to cost and how long is it going to take for me to pay it off? Emotion #3 If my band slipped I will have to experience surgery and the thought of that literally made me swoon. I began to have hot flashes and had to sit down as I absorbed what was happening.

Turns out I MAY have a small slip. The doctor wanted to take the fluid out to see if the stomach would return to its correct anatomical location. I was to be in liquids for a week (lasted 4 days) and than I will be back in the hospital in two weeks.

In a nut shell I have been FUCKING pigging out. I have never realized how little control I have. I thought for sure that I would be ok and disciplined as I have learned what I can and cannot eat. BUT FOR GOODNESS SAKE! I have not eaten a real...I mean real normal meal in 3 years and the shit tastes so good I am dreaming about it. I feel fat today. I feel bloated. I feel horrible mentally and physically. It may all be in my head but I want this band TIGHTENED again so I cannot allow myself to back track. I have come TOO far. I started my journey at 251 and am now 133. I REFUSE to live that life again! Please pray for my will power and pray that when I go back next week my stomach has magically corrected itself and no revisions surgery is necesary. Amen!

On a side note Scott just called and I do not want to call him back. He can offer me to solice right now and I have just had a crummy day! SO I sit here with a giant bowlof chocolate ice cream, eating my worries away before I head off to la la land, my favorite place to be as of lately! I miss my ex today- SHIT!

 OK here we are. It is 9:23pm and I am finally getting cozy in bed and ready to finally get my words out. It feels like forever since I have been able to sit, relax and let my thoughts spread heavily through my wonderful new HP! I am going to type it out in date format. I must say I am a bit of a dork. I think that someday one of these men will be the man I marry there fore I want to know every move and every date so when we are 65 we can giggle at the memories. We can giggle at how neurotic and ridiculously insane I was. Yes I can crack a joke on myself- several actually!

August 12, 2007: So it is time to try the online dating scene again. Yes I know many have mixed emotions about dating and the internet but it seems to work pretty well for me. I am a single parent and DO NOT have the oppurtunity to come and go as I please which makes meeting my dream guy nearly impossible. SO yes I sit in front of my PC aimlessly searching for love from behind my keyboard. That is how I met my ex, not the best outcome but it did involve a 2 year courtship. SO I get back on cupid.com on August 11 shortly before I head to bed. I awake in the morning and have 15 messages and 50-some odd "WINKS" I-YIE-YIE great here we go again! How on GODS green Earth can I learn about 100 different men??? So I am strolling through the profiles and see a familiar face. HIs name is Scott and I graduated highschool with him. He sends me a simple and quick email that states, "How are you?" and another that says, "If I am not mistaken I think we know each other!" So of course in good spirts I have to type back, I have not heard from him in over ten years! This started a tail spin of emails back and forth for a couple weeks until he finally asked me out for a drink. I have to admit it felt a bit odd. He is technically a stranger BUT I know him. Him and I ran in the same crowds in highschool but were never really friends. 

Regardless the emails were simple...catching up emails until the MEET FOR A DRINK email arrived in my inbox. For some reason I instantly felt nervous...strange but he is SCOTT...the red head with braces from YEARS ago!  SO the emails go back and forth for two weeks and suddenly I find myself checking my cupid emails more frequently and looking forward to an email from him...interesting....really it is!

August 24, 2007: Well tonight was supposed to be the first "meeting". I did agree to meet for a drink but I made sure to set the records straight that it was two friends catching up- not a date! It really takes so much pressure off to just be friends as opposed to LOOKING DESPERATELY FOR MR RIGHT! So of course before I set the date with him I had planned on attending the German American Festival with a group of friends. I really wanted to go as I hear it is one of the best festicals in the area and I have yet to attend. . SO of course as the day goes on at work I begin to doubt my evening with Scott and the plans that surrounded it. I really think it is unfair to go out with someone for the first time and torture them around all of your looped up friends. I would not want to be in that position and I really did not want him to have to experience me the first time in that setting. SO...what was a girl to do. SO I CANCELLED. Yes I did it. I told him the truth and figured I may as well be as honest as possible and let him know that I did not think he would enjoy himeself. I could tell he was a bit dissapointed as in previous emails from the week he expressed that he was really looking forward to it. I hate to let people down but dammit I wanted to have fun with no stress and I would be nervous with him so I did what I had to do! He was VERY understanding which was most definately impressive!

Than the evening took a dissapointing turn- TORNADO WARNING! What the fuck really! Here I had a nice date lined up, I cancelled on him to go with my friends and now no one was going because of the weather. Call it KARMA if you will but now my plans were NOTHING! I guess I learned the hard way as I sat in front of my TV bored and staring blankly wondering what I should do with my night. I of course was too proud to call Scott and see if he still wanted to hang out. No one enjoys being second option! SO as I sat and stewed that my free night was slowly dwindling down I decided to send him a text to see what he was doing as I was waiting for my friends to figure out what our plans might be.  

Ten minutes later he sends me a text saying he was at his parents house having long islands and invites me to stop by. At the same time my friends decide that everyone wants to go to Friday's for dinner and than out afterwards. I tire of waiting for them and decide to grow some damn balls, suck it up and just go to Scott's. I begin to get nervous as I get in my car. I begin to wonder if I am dressed too good, too bad, if I am wearing too much makeup- all that stupid shit us women worry about. Men do you really care about all of that as long as we look good? Really I think we all over react to an extent...I try to calm my nerves and just remember the squirrly little red head from junior high-hmmmm ok much better!

I walk into his house and realize that there are at least 5 others there and simultaneously everyone turns and looks at me. Yeah lets talk about a being just a tad bit uncomfortable. I go in, give Scott a hug, say hello to the family and take a seat at the kitchen table as his Mom makes me a long island ice tea. I drink two. We have very casual uncomfortable conversations. He looks BETTER than I remember- MUCH better! Actually quite handsome. I decide to leave as my friends are blowing up my phone wanting to know what my hold up is. Scott walks me out and I realize I can hardly look him in the eyes. Why am I so uncomfortable? Oh well who knows, the ice has been broken.....we re-plan our date for Saturday night. When I leave I receive two texts from him, the first to which I did not reply. 

#1: Hope you had fun look forward to tomorrow

My best friend Jon said do not reply SHANNON DO NOT! Leave him hanging and keep it mysterious. However that is NOT my personality. I let the text message linger and than I receive another....

#2: A little nervous, did you not have fun?

I type back that I also had a nice time and look forward to hanging out tomorrow. I would hate to be left hanging with no reply from someone therefore I will not do that to him. He deserved to know that I also enjoyed myself and I made it known. We sent a few texts back and forth through the remainder of the night....so naturally I spent the rest of the next day wondering how our first date would go. Oh did I say date? I am sorry I meant our first time as two old friends catching up.  Stay tuned...bed time as it is now 10:15pm and this girl is sleepy...I will update more tomorrow but let me give a bit of insight, I have seen him every day since last Friday :) woot woot u go shannon with your bad self! Just kidding! 

August 25, 2007: Our first official date. We attempted to go to an art fair however it was closing just as we arrived. We than went to a very classy elegant restaurant/bar. We sat on the patio, had an appetizer and a few cocktails and enjoyed the nice evening together. We caught up, talked a bit about old times and tried to begin to learn about each other. We than ended up at a small pub near my home for another beverage and I than realized how much I was talking. OK people lets talk about loose lips shannon here! I told him about how I continued to bang my ex boyfriend for months after we split and I even told him about my HOT ASS COP who I called it quits with because he would not molest me. At one moment I realized I was saying too much and than I thought this...THIS IS ME TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT. If someone is going to date me they are eventually going to know all my little dirty secrets so why not learn them now. He brought me home and walked me to my door like a true gentleman. Once i was cozy and warm in bed my cell phone rang with a text message. It simply stated this, "thanks for the great night. A good time with a very attractive and down to earth woman is always nice, cannot wait to do it again". I guess my jabber jaw did not scare him off just yet!

August 31, 2007: Scott and I went out to meet a few of his friends tonight. It was a good time but at first a bit uncomfortable for me. It was me and 4 men! I was trying to be the OH-SO-NICE date by saying,"hey lets stop and see your friends first" but that ended up being the majority of the night. Life lessons- each learned a different way. After BW3's we decided to go to his house to watch a movie. I have to say I was VERY impressed at his home. It has been rare lately to find a man who has his shit together and lives in a nice comfortable enviornment. If I had to guess I would most definately say he is METRO! His home was nicely decorated and very welcoming. We watched the Life of David Gale. I thought he was uncomfortable during the movie but in reality he was just leaning in to go for that first kiss. WOW BUDDY I was NOT expecting that. I do have to say however I warmly welcomed it as I thoroughly enjoyed his company. What sweet lips. Damn I am a sucker for a good kiss. There is something about a soft, passionate meaningful kiss that makes my toes curl. Well other things make my toes curl too but that is not something that will be happening anytime soon! In the meantime I will settle for his great lips and soft touch!


September 1, 2007: Scott had sent me sweet texts throughout the day wondering what I was doing tonight. I had just saw him last night and had plans to take my daughter to the county fair with my entire family so NO GO on hanging out tonight. We had a great time at the fair! I absolutely love seeing the joy on my daughters face when she is enjoying herself. Her smile is just beyond priceless and literally makes my heart melt. We ate lots of good food, saw tons of animals, watched the rodeo and rose rides. We did not even get home until 11pm. Scott asked if i wanted to stop by as him and his family/friends were playing a fierce game of Battle of the Sexes. SO after much debate I did decide to go to his house. His Mom made me a couple long Island Ice Teas and I do believe she made them extra strong so I could catch up to the mental frames of everone else present. Lets just say they had been "sippng" fruity drinks by the pool nearly all day!

First let me say I refuse to drink and drive as I have too much to lose and I will never be responsible for killing another persons loved one. SO I was stuck there for a while. The game was fun and there were quite a few people at this house. After everyone died down we retreated to the basement for a movie which last about 30 minutes before his hands were quietly roaming my body. I must say since the whole Steve situation it felt wonderful. Strange with him in a sense but nice to be touched and desired none the less. I did not get home until 4:30am. Yeah I am too old for those types of late evenings!

September 2, 2007: Spent a great morning and afternoon with my daughter today. Scott called to invite us over to swim. Now mind you her Dad and I have been split for over 4 years and in those 4 years of being single she has met ONLY one man which was my ex Jeremy. She is my world and I will never be one of those parents who allows their child to meet several men. I just feel its set a horrible stage and should never be considered normal. Not for this family at least!
The weather was fabulous and really a great day for the pool. After careful discussion with my Mom (yes she is my best friend and I run my tough choices past her) I decided that it would be ok since there would be several people there and also other children and at the present time he is ONLY a friend. What a lovely day! We swam and sat out by the pool for nearly 4 hours and I have to say Scott was VERY impressive. He spent 98% of his day entertaining Delaney in the pool and seemed to very much enjoying himself. I think that is great that a man can truly have a wonderful time with kids, you can tell he will someday be a natural parent! That made me smile and glimmer within because the man I marry someday will in fact be my daughers Dad. Delaney's Dad has lived in NY since she was 2. That night Delaney stayed at my parents house and Scott and I and his family went downtown to watch fireworks. It was a lovely experience should I have not been fiercly attacked by swarms of mosquitos..haha! I sat between his legs as he gently rubbed my back. We watched the sky time and again light up with a beautiful array of colors, fireworks are ALWAYS romantic. Mental note: BRING BUG SPRAY next time! 
After the fireworks we headed to the movie theatre to see SUPER BAD- movies were closed! What the hell??? It is a holiday weekend and the theatre was closed...BUMMER! We went back to his house for a movie and some other extra curricular activities which DID NOT involve sex to all of you who are wondering. I move at turtle speeds...slow and cautious every step of the way. Maybe just maybe I will let him grope me someday..HAHA! Not anytime soon! Good things come to those who wait!

September 3, 2007: Scott sent a text saying he was out on his bike and wanted to stop by and say hi. I let him. Next thing I know he was headed home to shower so he could come back and watch a movie with me. Yeah we seem to be watching quite a few movies lately. I however am a single parent and when my daughter is in bed it is best to have company after that. This enables me to spend time with someone special and learn about them...but also enables me to continue the schedule I have with my daughter as to not lose that precious few hours I have withher each night. The only person that suffers is me and my SLEEP. I guess I have to sacrifice somewhere right? So I guess this is how it has to be for now. We watched a ridiculous movie. I hate when I pick a bad flick :)

September 5th and 6th: Yeah you guessed it more movies :) Scott left for a golf outing on September 7th so he wanted to make sure to spend time with me before he left. He really is sweet. He says these little things when I am least expecting it. Little things to let me know he values the time with me, which is really critical with this fucked up mentality I have when it comes to men. I NEED reassurance. He does just fine with that. So much better than Steve! Steve hardly had time to see me and Scott has too much time. Will I ever find the perfect balance. It is not that I do not want to spend time with Scott but I am so accustomed to life with my daughter and my dog. I am used to my freedom. I am used to going to bed when I want and not having to accomodate anyone else outside of my monotanous schedule. This could be great or this could frustrate me. Only time will tell. Wish my luck!

September 10, 2007: Scott is home from his golf tournament and wants to see me before he leaves for Napa Valley California on Monday. I have to be honest...I was too tired and could really care less if I saw him or not. What the HELL is my problem. I had that "hmmm" moment the other night. Hmmm as in I am not so sure about him, hmmm as in I do not feel massive butterflies. Yeah that is it- going tofind a shrink HA! I need someone to help me figure out why I will not allow myself to let a man into my heart. I make it nearly impossible for someone to get to know me because I am so jaded and gaurded. Maybe I am just crabby...we shall see. We watched a movie, had some foreplay and a great huge bowl of ice cream. This all happened before he headed off to a beautiful place and I headed back to work- exciting let me tell ya!

My O My has life been quite the busy experience lately. It has been over two weeks since I have written and I really need to journal my experiences soon before my mind loses track of them ! I really cannot even explain why I have not writen. Maybe its the nice weather, maybe it is dating, maybe it is just that not a damn thing has went on until recently. OK so let me begin:  

August 17, 2007: Tonight was a night I was ready to go out. Our company was sold and it has been the longest two weeks of my life. I have put in major overtime, major effort with added stress! Oh shit I just realized that is probably the reason I have no updated- duh-yeah mybrain is malfunctioning today! So anyhow...it was the annual rib off here in my home town. This type of event is always nice. It was a beautiful night, it is outdoors, good live music, great food ( I LOVE RIBS) cold beer and many...many men! 

Guess who was working? Yes everyone it was STEVE! Oh wow my handsome cop was here, in uniform protecting Pat Bennetar! LOL. Of course I had to go say hello because I was feeling especially cute that night. There is nothing better than looking fab and running into someone who is literally "missing out"! We slithered our way over to him to say hello, his smile made me melt. His cute little silly giggle made me a a tinge of regret. I had that small little moment where I thought, "WOW he was really a sweet man and I actually do miss spending time with him." Than all in that moment  I remembered his lack of attention to my girly needs and that "swoon" went right out the window! It was nice to see him..it really was...but I am over it!

We decided to span the crowd for potential men. I guess I should let you know who "WE" are. The other trouble maker I was with besides myself is my friend Jamie. We are both in the same situations so I especially enjoy my time with her. She is a beautiful girl. She is a natural beauty...one of those women who has an Indian like complextion and those sea foam hazle color eyes that you rarely see. Not to mention she has giant breasts which of course the men love which in turn means we have people "lookin". Quite the lovely girl so hanging with her is fun! 

OK anyhow...so to make this night story shorter...because it really is quite boring I will begin to condense. ONE TWO THREE OK....

I ran into a hottie at the port o potty. He looked at me, I looked at him and VIOLA I realized I knew him. This adorable man has been asking me out for weeks. I met him on myspace :) Strange however I have always turned him down and he really surfaced when I had met Steve. I remember the nice email that he had sent me about now being taken and he said that he was happy for me and that if for some reason it did not work out to please give him a call....so needless to say I spent the rest of the evening with him. 

HOWEVER I had consumed quite a bit of alcohol this night so needless to say I felt a bit FOOLISH when I woke up the next morning and remembered some of our converstaion. Wow loosey goosey with these lips of mine. I told him about Steve, I told him about my ex, I told him how I banged Steve and than he would never touch me again! What on GODS GREEN EARTH would ever possess me to share so much! I really did feel ridiculous!

So this entire time I am talking to Reed (cool name huh) Steve is texting me wanting to hang out after he gets off work. I think OK cool why not? I mean really what else is there for me to do but go home and hit the hay? SO I agree to spend time with Steve, Reed and I are talking and than I am being stalked by this guy named Todd who was working the beer tent. 

Let me give you a little background on Todd. He is my best friend Jon's friend. He has asked me out for probably 6 months now and I have always declied. I tell him that I have this rule....the rule is to NEVER and I mean NEVER date a friends friend. He thinks my rule is BS but its really just a nice way to let him know I am not interested. Well all night he was giving us free drinks (hense my excessive consumption), telling me how great I looked and stalking me from behind a massive amount of people looking to become extremely intoxicated.

Reed ended up leaving and asked for my number, I was not feeling so well as I was beginning to get a headache and really just wanted to go home, Steve was still texting me, telling me how he was looking forward to spending time with me and Todd wanted to walk us to our car....

SInce it was the rib off it most definately time to feed my drunk ass so I found the first savory short rib line and grabbed me a snack of 3 ribs. OH MY they were delicious! Todd walked us to the parking lot and realized he was parked about 3 miles closer than we were and asked if we would like a ride to our car, of course we accepted. I was madly chowing on my ribs as we arrived to our car. As I went to step out Todd grabbed my arm and planted a big fat sexy as hell kiss on me! I have to say even though I probably tasted exactly like BBQ sauce it was a great kiss. Someone who has talent in the smooching arena definately turns me on- too bad he is not right for me. It is just one of those situations where I KNOW immediately that I am not interested in him as anything other than friends. Shame because lord knows what else those lips can do- SHIT did I just say that? Can you tell it has been a while for me? LOL!

I arrived home to anxiously await for Steve, he just had to make sure everyone was out of the Rib off and than he would be on his way. I looked in the mirror at that moment and realized I REALLY had drank too much. It all hit me at once and I was spinning like some crazy fool. I sat "around" the toilet if you know what I mean for about 20 minutes before passing out. I stood Steve up everyone! I missed his call and a very long voice mail...I felt awful! I felt as though i was some drunk kid at her first highschool party. I am not sure why it all hit me at once but lets say it was not pretty. I drink in moderation and ONLY socially. So I have a few cocktails about once a week or once every two, it was nuts. My tolerance is basically NOTHING. All I drank was beer anyhow, but it hit my like a bottle of jack!

So I met a hottie who I was definately going to go out with, Stood Steve up and kissed the one guy there that was the lowest on my list! Life is nuts.....

So I bet you are wondering who Scott is??? Let me do some work here (yes I am supposed to be working right now) and I will try to update more later:) Love you all and love all your fabulous comments! You encourage me to keep journaling! I have fallen off the proverbial journaling bandwagon. Thanks for bringing me back, I always feel so much better and more forfilled letting it all go into the mysterious land of internet wonder!

 July 29, 2007: Time to say goodbye. Thank for for being the one and only man who has allowed to me to STOP thinking about my ex and start looking to the future! Thank you for making me realize there really are nice genuine men still left in Ohio. Thank you for making me smile numerous times. Thank you for that contagious laugh that would make any one grin from ear to ear.Thank you for making me feel like less of a woman. Thank you for making me feel unwanted, undesired, uncraved and definately NOT sexy! Hmm some pros and cons would you not agree?

So the time has come my friends, I have officially kicked Steve to the land fill. I did feel badly about it but the funny thing is this, it was LONG over due! I did this with my EX as well!  seem to think things will improve or change. Strike two Shannon- THEY DO NOT CHANGE! Not at least from my past experiences.

On Friday July 27, 2007 (yes I know I am way over due here and have TONS more stories to share) I had a girls night out. When I say girls night, I mean double eye makeup, shiny lip stick, sexy clothes, lots of man bashing and alcohol consumption in access! What a great time, I mean a really fabulous time! There were 6 of us girls all dolled up ready to take the city on! Lets just say we had "TROUBLE" written all over! 

I ended up drinking way too much alcohol (as did everyone else) I rode a mechanical bull which made it difficult for me to walk for at least 3 days. The topper of my evening was the fact that I was a complete immature asshole to Steve and could have cared less. The potent sting of alcohol, 6 man bashing women mixed with a lethal combination of abstinence made for bad news! The next morning I wake up and "review" my sent text messages. WOW did I really say those things? SHIT!

OK lets put it this way, I felt like the biggest foo/tool/douche bag/dumb ass ever! I said a few things to Steve that really should have been said in person. However I have been known to be a chicken shit therefore sending a text is much easier! Most of the messages were about SEX...or should I say LACK OF!

He wanted to do dinner Sunday night, talk and basically get naked! Since when does that shit need to be planned?? A few messages said  that he was really sorry for how crazy and busy life was and that it would calm down at the end of August. Basically EXCUSE after EXCUSE and quite frankly I was done listening. I have known this for a month but refused to allow myself to start the damn dating game again...I honestly dread it!

However back on topic here....to make up for my official asshole status I was going to do dinner, apologize, let him know how I felt, call things off and see what happened. He called Sunday afternoon and said he was going to set his alarm for 530pm and than would give me a ring. So I decided to be outgoing and sweet and figured with the number of hours he had worked I would make him a nice home cooked meal. I prepared a feast! I grilled steak, BBQ chicken, grilled zucchini (from my garden) corn on the cob and cheesy rice. The meal was wonderful and smelled very inviting. However I realized the clock was slowly ticking and had yet to hear from Steve. It was now nearing 630pm..tick tick....

I called my Mom and had a complete bitch session with her as I poured myself a glass of wine. She agreed that if I did not hear from him by 7pm I should be done. I agreed and calmly watched the clock tick. I realized at 645pm I did not want him to call ! I did not want him to call so I could have that reason to be done. Why do I need a reason to be done? Shouldn't just being not statisfied with how things are going be enough? Why do I always need a fucking reason????

How horrible is that? At that very moment I realized I did not want to be with him. The smell of the summer feast permiated my home and would have been a lovely dining experience with someone special. However I did not want that someone special to be him. I began hoping he would not call!

I packed the food up at 650pm. He called at 655pm. I ignored his call and did not return it until Monday night. I than told him that this was just not working for me. I told him when life calms to give me a call sometime. He accepted the "rejection" gracefully. I however think it was a relief to him. I think he prefers to be the work-aholic who does nothing. If he prefers to be a lonely old man than he should continue on the path he is currently on. He does not know how to date a woman. He does not or does not allow time in his schedule TIME for a woman, TIME for a relationship. I do think he wants to be intimate, I do feel he wants to be involved but he seems to not have the slightest idea on how to make that happen. For that very reason he has now missed out on a very good catch.....

His loss, time to rebait my hook....

(he calls 5 days later....see next post when I am not so tired)

July 20-22, 2007:

First of all let me send out my deepest apologies to those of you who have been awaiting this wonderful update. Life has been insane and extremely busy for me lately as my company was sold to another. I have had to learn an entire new job in two weeks and still find a way to produce 70k a week! Yes hair pulling, teeth grinding unable to sleep at night stress, but with moderate alcohol and xanax I have been able to pull through, so joking! What is the best cure for stress? Cmon someone? Anyone? Rumor has it sex is the best stress reliever right? So get comfie, grab your popcorn and let the story begin.....

Steve decided to take vacation days on Friday and Saturday so we could spend some quality time together! I was elated to know that he was actually listening to my concerns about our time constraints. I actually felt pleased and almost proud of him to an extent for stepping up and realizing that if we did not start "bonding" he would lose me. It made me feel as though I was important and that he most certainly wanted me as a part of his life. 

We spoke early in the day on Friday and struggled with what we would do. He had a quite a few "hidden" comments about being broke, where all his money went and how he really needed it to be pay day soon. OK let me put this out there. DO I look like a broke asshole who is not willing to foot the bill for a night? I have always done my share and feel its important to "chip" in after you have been dating for a while. Hints are NOT necessary. Just come out and say it! If I am broke I am simply going to state the obvious. Let me give an example, "I am broke/tight/poor this week, lets cook dinner and watch a movie and stay in." SIMPLE isnt it? I do not need subliminal messages...HAHA! Men throw us ladies a bone sometimes, not everything needs to be candy coated. Yummm something sweet does sound good right now....be right back!

OK so as I sit here and chow down 3 cool mint double stuffed oreo cookies as though I have not eaten in a month I ponder on what I should talk about first. Should I talk about all the small-minute-make no difference details or get right to the point? Hmmm...

OK so Steve helped me hang up my new bamboo mini blinds. As he worked I realized that we really did not have all that much to discuss. I pondered ways to start a goofy conversation, I thought about grabbing his ass while he was standing on the chair hammering, yet I could do nothing. WHY? Why is it that I cannot be 100% me when I am around him? There is something about him that has held me back but I have yet to put my finger on it. My best bud Jon called and they were going to the Distillery (bar) and I really wanted to have Jon and Steve hang out. If anyone knows who is good for me it is JON and he has not had the chance to really be around Steve. I know it may sound a bit cliche but friends who know and love you the best will ultimately know if someone is in or out. 

Steve absolutely did not want to go there, he stated how much he disliked that place over and over. We finally agreed on a place that everyone would be happy but it was very clear that he did not want to be out anywhere regardless, again no subliminal messages TELL ME DAMMIT. He was very quiet and hardly peeped a word to anyone. What is going on here? I stood next to him and realized I was not enjoying myself, not the way a woman should be feeling when newly involved with someone special. So I thought...screw it at least I will get laid tonight! Dirty yes but its been almost 2 weeks since the first and only time. I just feel that once you are in a new relationship, you hold out as long as I had that once the deed is done ITS ON! I mean its on and off and on and off if you get my point.....

So we get home with the clock nearing 330 am as we all had went to a 24 hour restaurant for some greasy grub. Bad I know but OH SO GOOD! We get home and I begin to feel those nervous quivers running up and down my legs. What will he do? How will he make the move? What will happen first? Well to answer all of those questions in 4 simple, straight to the point words, "NOT A FUCKING THING!" Are you serious! I mean really how does this happen? How can you make love to someone two weeks ago, have them half naked in bed for an hour and NOT TOUCH HER?  I have been able to formulate "reasons" through hypothetical question sessions to peers, co-workers, family and other men. Either Steve has ED, yes ERECTILE DISFUNCTION or he is GAY! 

I laid in bed feeling more frustrated than I had all week long! How would that make anyone feel? Especially someone who was formerly overweight. I need reassurance that you want me..and all he did was made me feel like he wanted NOTHING to do with me. Finally I had enough and decided to speak my mind. If I did not speak up I would have probably bottled it up inside and let it pass. I swore to myself that since I have been given a second chance at LIFE I will never not say what I am feeling! 

Shannon: I am very FRUSTRATED!!!!!!!!!
Steve: Why whats wrong?
Shannon: I just cannot read you! I cannot tell if you want me to kiss you, touch you, molest you or just leave you the hell alone so you can sleep!
Steve: *nervous chuckle* well we do have to get up early.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? I do not care if I have to be up at 6am and its 555 DO SOMETHING or at least try. I might shove you off, tell you to leave me alone but at least I felt desired. OK sorry for the rant but as I re-live these feelings from last weekend it seems to stir those emotions back up.....ok back to our talk...

Shannon: *complete and utter silence because I am in serious shock that he would ever say anything like that!*
Steve: *nervous chuckly* are you mad?
Shannon: NO STEVE I am not mad I am annoyed. A woman needs to feel desired, wanted craved and you do not make me feel that way at all.
Steve: Its not that I do not want you but we do have to be up very early. Are you the type of person who has to have sex everyday?

AGAIN ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? SORRY for all the F bombs but they fit the situation perfectly!

Shannon: Well NO but I certainly would not mind!
Steve:*quiet* *nervous* *moving around a bit*

Finally we both fall asleep and after all of my frustrations that I had clearly expressed he still did not lay one paw on me. Now I am not some sex maniac but I really feel that after holding out for nearly 3 months he, as a man, should not be able to keep his hands off me. I feel defeated and to be honest pissed off.

We wake up Saturday morning and I feel like crud! Something in my stomach was not sitting well. I am assuming it could be the two glasses of wine I had drank, the 5 beers, the pizza sticks and coffee from the night before. I really do try to keep it healthy so that type of diet is quite out of my norm. We decide to enjoy the day (skip the lake which was the reason we needed to be awake so early) and stay in bed. Mind you I am wearing a small pair of shorts and a tank top- so hardly a thing! The entire day goes by and still NOTHING. What the hell is wrong with this man? It is a new fresh relationship! We should have had sex before we went out last night, when we got home, in the morning, afternoon all damn day really! It is so rare that I do not have my daughter so it clearly was the prime time for some action. (she was at the lake with her grandparents for the weekend)

Saturday night we went to a wedding. I looked nice. I felt beautiful. It is rare that I get to dress up on a weekend and look nice for a man. I hoped that maybe just maybe tonight would be different. After the wedding we went to the "WING THING". This is a festival like atmosphere with drinking, live music and chicken wing vendors from the area. It really was a nice time however I felt discouraged, exhausted and just plain annoyed. To make this very LONG story short because I can barely hold my eye lips open again NOTHING! So in a nut shell he had me in bed for 48 hours and did not lay a hand on me. I am sorry but something is not right with this picture! If you have a limp dick issue than get some viagra and lets go. I know he is 10 years older than I am but for goodness sake I swear my Grandparents were still banging at 70! 

On Sunday we had a few text messages back and forth and I let him know that I most definately took it personal. He just kept saying,"please do not take it personally!" and "I am really sorry you took it that way please do not be upset!" and " I am just trying to take it slow" I really felt as though he was sincere and worried about how I was feeling however he still chose to do nothing about it. SLOW went out the door the first time it happened! 

Maybe he has a penile problem- this can be corrected. Maybe he does not like sex- deal breaker for me sorry! Sex is very important in a relationship and I am not, I repeat NOT ok with having sex once a month! Maybe he is not attracted to me which if that is the case they why the hell spend three months dating me?

Shoot maybe it is me. Maybe I am giving him the wrong vibes but when I basically made it know and he still chose to do nothing...well SHIT who knows at this point. I am not only mentally frustrated, physically frustrated and now I have to be sexually frustrated! What gives?

Maybe it is me? Maybe it is him? Maybe it is his PENIS? Maybe he is gay? Or maybe he has a commonly known problem called erectile disfunction! Flip a coin my friends your guess is as good as mine!

PLEASE

Sincerely,
Sexually frustrated Shannon

FOR LADIES ONLY:

Are men really that STUPID? I just cannot understand what goes on in their tiny pea sized brains sometimes (hey now I said no men!)

I finally gave in to temptation and was JIGGY with Steve last week on Wednesday. Once I am to that stage and I actually cross that line I really and truly would like to get laid daily or at least every other day but for some DAMN reason I have not seen him since that day. I sure hope he does not have some sort of erectile disfunctions! LOL LOL...oh but there always is viagra right? HAHA!

Mind you we still talk daily but our schedules absolutely positively SUCK ASS!  We just cannot seem to make time for each other with how things work out, what am I supposed to do? I NEED MORE TIME with someone if I am trying to grow a relationship with and if the time is not there than how can one possible learn more? 

OK..Steve called me last night and asked if I would like to spend some time together tonight before he had to go to work. Of course I would LOVE to spend some time with him!!!! I told him I would give him a call when I was home and settled and we could figure it out. Typically my sister and I will do ONE night for ONE night. She will have my daughter over for an evening and than I will watch her kids (yes that is plural, I definately get screwed on the deal) So tonight she was going to watch Delaney for me. 

HOWEVER I had to work late and decided Delaney and I would spend as much time together as possible until I heard from Steve. 7pm rolls around and I have yet to hear from him, 8pm rolls around and I have yet to hear from him. Finally he calls at 8:30pm and I missed the call. So naturally I am  HOT. I can feel the blood collect around my ears as I imagine what I am going to say as I go off on him. 

Finally I said screw THIS! I told my sister she did not need to watch my daughter and Steve was getting an ear full. when I called him back.  Of course my sister wanted me to call him while I was in close proximity so she could hear our conversation, yeah she is a nosey ass but it runs in the family....

VOICE MAIL-BINGO...this is an allowed pussy way out! So I left him a voice mail stating this: "Hey Steve its Shannon. I have to be honest and tell you that I am very frustrated with you right now. I do not think you realize that when I plan a night I have to make special arrangements. I let my sister watch my daughter, we skipped t-ball etc...so I am not so happy right now. If you are too tired from work to hang out have enough curtesy to make a phone call to me so I do not waste an entire night. I am going to get Delaney and come home, really no point now so if you want to talk you know how to find me."

He called back RIGHT away which signified to me he has not yet heard my voice mail that was far from my usual sweet calm self. I was annoyed with his actions and I made it apparent. I may be a very sweet and easy going person but he needs to understand that I can tell it like it is...and I WILL! 

I told him I was frustrated and that basically if he was too tired or too busy than be a real man and make it known. I also said that I had planned on us spending time together tonight. I told him I am a big girl and there are nights where I am too tired as well to be parading around town but I would always let someone know. He stated he had also planned on spending the evening with me. What a whole 2 fucking hours, get overself buddy! DO YOU KNOW WHAT US WOMEN NEED OR DO I NEED TO BUY YOU A FUCKING DR PHIL SELF HELP BOOK?????  He apologized profusely (how the hell do I spell that word, its bothering me?) He said he planned on spending time with me and still had but dosed off while waiting for me to call and had just woke up. You know what I am tired of the "oops I was sleeping" bullshit. If you cannot work 3rd and stay awake for me hit the trails buster!

Now I have a heart. He worked a double from last night into today but he has also been doing this for 6 years and should know by now what his body can and cannot handle. I know that I cannot stay up until 5am and be to work at 8am- I know what works for me. I do believe he should also know what works best for him considering he is 10 years older than me (HAHAHAHAHAH) Age really means nothing but it made me smile because we harrass each other about our age difference. 

So AGAIN I have my mind wrapped around it not working but I am not getting rid of him anytime soon...especially since we just started having sex! HAH! 

If he does not have enough time for me someone else will. I am going to start dating I think...maybe. Who knows I have NEVER really dated more than one person at a time. OK maybe not start dating but I am definately not keeping my eyes closed.

On a more positive note he has decided to take Friday and Saturday off so maybe just maybe we can spend some time together. I would have loved if he had  requested the two days off to spend with me but of corse he didnot say that (romance=NEGATIVE)...so come Monday this blog will be filled with one of two things:
 
1. warm fuzzy ooey gooey lovey smushy gooshy romantic butterlifes OR
2. cold hard  discouraged insensetive hateful pissed off vibes coming from a premenstraul women

I am voting for options #1!

Chow and GOOD NIGHT!

July 14, 2007: Well it happened again. I ran into my ex. It was the strangest thing really. I had went to a baseball game with a very large group of friends and I had that small inkling that I might see his ignorant ass. I told a friend of mine and no sooner were we walking down an isle he stood out like the sore thumb that he is!

I actually felt a burst of energy pulsate through my veins as I was feeling very confidant that night. You know those nights where your hair, makeup and clothes all look good? Well those nights are a rare thing trying to get all 3 lined up and when you do- VIOLA BEAUTY QUEEN!

So this beauty queen decided to go about my business and we headed up stairs for a beer. It was raining pretty good so we took cover and literally within 5 minutes him and another WOMAN were walking up towards us. SHIT SHIT SHIT...he saw me! I had to remind myself to be an adult and be polite (why I have still not figured that out yet, guess the good in me defeats the evil once again) I was cordial and said a polite HI how are you? He said good and removed himself from the situation at a very quick pace.

As soon as they were out of sight I wanted to burst out laughing. I am by no means a crude bitch, I by no means judge a book by its cover as I know so much better than that with my past weight issues. Everyone is beautiful in their own way...BUT that shit goes out the window when it comes to your ex with another woman, do you agree? Cmon girls really agree with me here!

She was UNATTRACTIVE! I am allowed to smurk at the fact that I think I am 10 times better looking because for all the hell he put me through I DESERVE IT DAMMIT! OK here comes my brief explanation of TRACY: Mom jean shorts that rode 10 feet up her booty....you know the kind with the giant pockets on the back? OK what else, white kanvas cheerleading shoes that I wore in 5th grade, she took no pride in her hair or makeup, wore a very unflattering red tank top that made her belly roll pop, hair slicked back in a pony and was as white as Casper the ghost. Now for goodness sake I may have been HUGE at one point in my life but there is always a way too look nice! To appear as though you care about yourself.

So ok...they went in and two of his friends, not one but two noticed me and immediately came to have a conversation.  Now as you can imagine I am sure that Jeremy was not happy that his best pal spoke to me for over 30 minutes. Of course I had to comment about how happy I was- truth or not you have to be a scandalous bitch sometimes! 

Well the game went on and we decided to get a closer look. As soon as I went down a row he was standing there! I was not going to run so I stood there and let him check me out. Mind you when I met him I weighed 215 pounds and as most of you who have lost weight know, its sweet redemtion to look and feel marvelous in front of someone who has injured your spirit when not deserved. He came up to me and took the time to tell me that I looked GREAT. GOD that felt good! We made some killer eye contact which always made me melt a bit. The sun was setting and it was the perfect amount of sun shining in his eyes. It made them sparkle a saucy olive color. 

OH yeah I than woke up and realized how much I DISLIKE this man/asshole dickface! LOL! So we decided to call it a night and headed out the door. I left with the biggest shit eating grin on my face, it felt good...really good! It felt good to NOT CARE that he was there, that is huge!

We ended up hitting a gay bar for my friend Dave and had a great time. You should have saw the drag queen there, wow! If you are going to try to look like a woman PLEASE TRY! We than crammed into a Durango and when I mean crammed my friends were sitting 5 deep in the back and headed to a PUB. Well my best pal Jon said that Jeremy was downstairs. How the hell did he know we were going there? I mean really was he listening that intently to us speaking or did he have his inspector gadget ears on? LORD HERE WE GO! 

He was drinking, we had a few words with each other. When he drinks he turns into a complete lunatic. I mean is there really a reason he cannot be a mature adult? He owns a home, has a 4 year old daughter and even has a masters degree but he cannot speak to me without malice. He is so hateful. You could see the venom in his eyes as he talked to me. I asked him and I quote, "is that really your girlfriend?" He came back with, "no...she had 4 free tickets to the game." Yet 5 minutes later she was trying to grab his hand and he pulled away. He did not want me to see what was obviously right in front of my face. The thing he did not realize was that I DID NOT CARE! 

He than had to go on and on about why I think I am so much better than her and just because she is not stylish and popular...blah fucking blah! I am not in highschool. All I wanted to know was who this chic was, the one who followed him around like a little puppy dog and never said one word. It really is simple. I was not implying a thing but than again that is one of his traits that made me leave. He always thought situations were different than they really were. Sometimes you just have to take things for face value and he was never capable of that. 

So to make a long story short he decided to leave thankfully. She was VERY uncomfortable so he must have informed her of who I was. Steve called me a few times that night from work. He was so sweet, he just said he wished he had been there! He was worried about me and that made me see how much more potential he possessed. If he would have been there I have no doubt the situation would have been far worse as Jeremy has NEVER had to see me with another man. I do believe he could not handle it. It would break his heart because it is more than obvious that he has not been able to move on yet.

Sunday I received a couple sny IM's from Jeremy for no apparent reason-  you know childish and immature which deserved no reply. Today (Monday) I received a super duper long drawn out email from him that was 150% POINTLESS. I will post for your viewing pleasure to allow you to see how hateful he is. He always has the urge to be nasty, to get the last word in as I do believe it makes him feel accomplished but in all actuality it just makes him look  small and foolish. Everytime I see him he just reassures my decision to not be with him, THANK GOD! Who knows what I would do if he was actually sweet and charming? Hopefully his bitterness will subside soon so he can move on and let go of me...its obvious he has yet to do that!
 
HIS EMAIL 

Dear Ms _____,

 The following letter will provide you some much needed insight into your ultimate life transformation you have undertaken.  You are becoming someone you used to look down upon and I hope you realize it.  This letter is not needed I due realize and yes you were probably somewhat correct at least upon me not being totally over the bitterness.  Oh well im close and like you said it does feel amazing.  I wanted to give you in a list view so maybe it will be easier for you to realize what you and your comments show about your own little pompous world you inhabit.  You are better than everyone else because your not 200#'s anymore, right??  I thought so princess :)  Anyway lets do a little breakdown between you and Tracy whom I can assure you as I said on Saturday night is most definitely not my gfriend but is more than worthy to be as she is a great person.  

Whom has a better sense of style and is more trendy??  That would be you without a doubt as you are required to dress that way on a near daily basis as you spend lots of time in the social eye being so popular now.   You are a nice dresser and always have been for the most part.  Congrats checkmark to Shannon.  Good start.    

After we get past that point what else is there??  Lets see body, personality, lifestyle, career, future, family.  I think you would be VERY challenged to get another checkmark at all. 

Lets see body I have no doubt that 9/10 would go with her over you ESPECIALLY in the buff as she is well put together. 

Personality would be close as you both have plusses and minuses.  You are much more fun and outgoing and I would choose what you are like for now, but i KNOW she is what I need in that respect but I am not there yet.  SHe is very reserved and analytical and avoids the public bar scene for the most part preferring to hang at home and have fires. 

Lifestyle---  You are ms. social that is well known, which can be fun.  She is very close to the vest and doesn't do alot of socially fun things preferring to be more reserved.  Close call depending on what your looking for :)

Career----  I won't get into this but lets just say its not even close here, you lose. 

Future/Family-------Sick of typin so im gonna close this up, she has a bright future and no kids or baggage of any sorts.  You well lets just say its not quite the same :) 

So overall yes some pros and cons but it is very hard to judge a book by its cover. Where it comes from I don't know but it has obviously grown as you have shrunk.  You are a pretty girl for sure and a good catch none the less.  Overall I would choose you over Tracy im sure, but I don't need to make that choice.  Tracy is a friend and she understands my intentions.  She likes having me around regardless and it sure is nice having tickets to the Mud Hens whenever and getting my career networking fast tracked.  She realizes we are not together by any means, but I do indeed loosen her up and bring some fun to her life.  Works all the way around.  Man after making this list maybe I should pursue her but I won't cause like all your friends I am shallow and I need to total package :)  Oh well I suppose.  Hope life is well and your relationship is fun, enjoy your single life you will get sick of it in due time and settle and get screw#d over, its all about karma and I wish you the best.  Peace out and give DD an extra kiss ;)

MY REPLY:
Well Mr. ______,

 

 

 

 

 

I must say that I have no idea what the point of this email is….but I will humor you with a reply as I am sure you have been awaiting one from this pompous non worthy woman….IN regards to that, you are more than welcome to think what you like however the fact that you took “X” amount out of your day to even write to me speaks volumes.  

You stated that the following letter would provide me with some much needed insight however I am just fine and insight is not necessary. Though I have read it twice now and have yet to find some fabulous tips and insights….maybe you were not clear enough  with your point that you were trying to prove. This is your life and you are more than welcome to do what you will with it. Why you feel the need to defend who and what Tracy is to you surprises me. It has no bearings on me nor do I really care to be quite frank with you!

You stated that I have become someone I used to look down upon. Again think what you will! I know who I am and that is personally all that matters to me at this point in the game. I am HAPPY!  So if you want to view that as pompous go right ahead! I called it confidence and being F-ING happy! Than again look who is talking- as you have any right! LOL Coming from one of the most pompous men I have ever met! Oh wait but you call that cocky- my bad!

Now to your points which again really mean NOTHING…

STYLE: who cares really! Everyone is different and what you like is what you like. Go for it…lol. She honestly just did not look like someone you would be attracted to therefore I was quite surprised.   I have no points to win with you because it just no longer matters so why are you comparing me to her? We obviously are NOTHING alike, NOTHING.

Body personality, lifestyle, career, future, family: I am in NO way competing with HER! Congrats to you for finding someone so wonderful, especially someone so much better than me, I hope she will make you happy someday!

BODY: How she looks in the buff, well again I could care less. If 9/10 men would chose her over me, great! Would not matter to me as I am not on the market anyhow J I am who I am take it or leave it. Congrats to you for at least getting laid by this woman who for some reason you have the urge to defend. :)

Personality: I am glad you think I am much more fun and outgoing and that you would chose me, however that is obviously not an option here. I am still uncertain why you feel the urge to compare her to I….she obviously is what you need…lol. I am happy that you can find that! I will not even begin to take the time to compare Steve to you, there is no comparison…maybe a few but not worth trying to throw at you- especially with it being so pointless. 

Lifestyle: I prefer being social occasionally over sitting on my ass 24/7 but sounds like she fits you well- GOOD FIND!

Career: Great for her! I am happy with my job and blessed…I have no complaints so again I could give two shits what she does for a living.  I figured she must be rich because she sure isn’t purty…well to me anyhow but I am not the one banging her and her well put together body..as you say! Again way to go for you! Looks like you are the one racking up all the points here! Since this is somehow turned into a competition! 

Future/Family: No baggage, you better hold on to this one, those girls are really hard to find these days!!! My baggage I adore and would have it no other way…do take notice to the give Delaney some kisses at the end of your email. Ever deny loving my baggage and I will call you a liar!

 I can hold my head high. I am a great mother, friend, and partner. I am the only one that needs to know that and to be honest my man thinks the same. You are no longer part of my life therefore trying to please you is not on the agenda or list of importance.

Hope Tracy can continue to provide you with great entertainment (GO HENS!)….I wish you nothing but LUCK on your search for LOVE and MARRIAGE. God really works in fabulous ways, he finally opened my eyes to the truth. Looks like he was working hard for us both!

I do hope that someday you can be mature when you see me out and about. I can only imagine how it would have been if Steve was there, war I am sure! I can be mature when I see you and thank you for at least saying ONE nice thing to me- surprised me really! Also thank you for flashing me that sincere smile, you know what I mean and when it happened!  I will apologize if I came across in a poor manner but we all view things differently. Obviously the bar setting is not the best as we have realized in the past. So if this was your way of putting me down….well I hope you feel better to have gotten that all off your chest. Anything else you would like to share you know where to find me…..

In the past an email like this would have bothered me, it no longer does….

GIVE ME WHAT YOU GOT! LOL

July 11, 2007: Got jiggy with it- ENOUGH SAID!!!!

He is listening to me everyone! (insert great theme music from beginning of movie) He called me last night and just straight out asked if I cared if he stopped over! Holy shit that is a first for him! He came over and smacked a good one on me as soon as he walked through the door. YOWZAS! NICE!

I gave him a little belated Birthday gift and we just talked for a few in the kitchen I wanted to drag him up stairs and tear him apart but I refrained. What can I say I had drank a couple glasses of wine and wine makes me a horny hellion! So I did ask him if he would mind helping me move my bed. I am painting my bedroom and I have only been able to go up to the bed because I am not able to move it myself. Its a huge heavy sleigh bed  that has been cemented in the same spot for two years now in case you were thinking I was some big wimp! 

We laid in bed and talked, joked and laughed. It was freeing and I felt fabulous! We talked about the night I attempted to call things off with him and it was nice to see his facial expressions and not rely solely on a phone coversation. He said that I had caught him off guard and that I was not getting off that easy so that is why he called. He likes me and I like him..I do worry however that it is a bit too soon to be having these doubts but I am willing to see what happens. I always fear I am too willing to skip ship due to my past loves, I have to break this cycle and let God take care of me the way he sees fit.

Than he has to go and ask if I will scratch his back. What kind of old school move is that? We all know sex starts with the back rub..haha! ALll joking aside he had gotten really sun burnt a few weeks ago and was peeling like crazy and really just needed a good back scratching. I lifted his shirt up, draped my leg over his and rubbed away. I absolutely adore skin to skin contact. It is huge for me. I am such a touchy feely person (NO NOT PDA) and I truly enjoy the sensations that touching can bring about. HOWEVER this did NOT help with the horniness factor. Thank god for being shy! 

Earlier in the night before he came over I had talked to my Mom and told her that it really is difficult to go from being involved in a very sexual relationship to none at all and that I was feeling qite "frisky" lately if you know what I mean. I than told her I was drinking wine and she recommended Steve comeb by a different night. It was so silly and we laughed like little kids. Sometimes I think she may live vicariously through me since she married her highschool sweetheart or better know as my DAD! I did tell Steve this and he got a huge kick out of it...his smile is so contagious. 

Anyhow I will make this short and sweet. He heard me, I mean really heard me when I said I needed more time with him. If he does not find a way to see me more than he is losing out on a really great person and to be honest I think he knows this. He called me tonight and I am going to his house tomorrow morning. He gets off work and will be home at 8am. I am on bereavement leave until Friday so we are going to take a nap together! WOO HOO too bad I cannot drink a bottle of wine first...haha! 

ON a more serious note my Grandfather passed away on July 8 in the early morning. We are going to miss you so much JaJa! I pray that you made it to heaven, that you are with your loving wife, out of pain and at peace...

until next time my friends.....

July 8, 2007: Happy Birthday to Steve. He turned 38 today.  He was off of work on Friday and Saturday and I have hardly spent anytime with him most of the week. I did go over there on Wednesday for a movie but in all honesty I felt like we were some old married couple sitting on the couch. It really stunk and I was ready to leave! I felt this horrible stale sinking feeling. For the first time in who knows how long I have met someone I click with and now I want to end it. A girl can only hold out for so long before she walks away and I am getting very close to that! I know that I am not allowing my self to have sex with him but for GOODNESS sake make a girl feel like you would enjoy it if you were! Am I just over paranoid from my last two shit hole relationships? Am I still worried about what he might think of me and want to get out first? DO I REALLY STILL HAVE A LOW SELF ESTEEM? Fuck all that I am a hot mama...hahah yeah yeah so I have to tell myself this sometimes! It helps it really does! OK back on topic here....

I want to feel desired, craved and wanted etc...I want to feel like we cannot attempt to watch a movie because we cannot keep our hands off each other. I want his hands all over me and yet he does not even attempt! What is wrong with this guy? Is he just that mature? Does he realize that I want to take things slow so he is moving at my pace, waiting for my move? SHIT! I have no idea how to make a move! I can think of all the sexy seductive- I want to tear you apart thoughts that I want and STILL cannot seem to move one little finger in his direction! Now cmon any man would love the thoughts that permiate my brain but for some reason I cannot make them come to fruition. BLAH ON TOP OF BLAH! 

So ok again...wow I am rambling tonight. Saturday I spent the majority of the day at the hospital. My Grandpa was very ill and was going to die. I had not talked to Steve all night on Friday and I set a limit. Yes I gave him a time frame to call or I was kicking his hot ass to the curb. It was 3pm...he called at 245pm. Good one buddy you just made the deadline! I was not able to call him back until 4:30 and when I did I invited him and his son (whom I have never really met) to come over for a cook out. I think it is time that we started involving our chidren  so we can spend more time together. TO make a long story short he never returned my call. I can honestly say he ruined my night, bastard. I mean the fact that my Grandpa was about to die was enough and than he has to go and avoid me. I was FUMING! He did end up calling at 10:15pm but seriously when someone you are seeing invites you over be a man and either ACCEPT or DECLINE! It really is that simply gentleman. Yes or no...but no answer is far worse than even a regret. We talked for about 15 minutes, I was cold, he could tell and was being extra sweet (but that is how he is typically) I just like to think he was extra sweet because he knew he fucked up! LOL! I let him go and was just extremely frustrated. You know that internal frustration where it is all you can think about and it pollutes your every thought..yeah that!

Again on Sunday I had not heard from him and he did ask me to give him a call Sunday night so I sucked in my mule ass stubborn polish pride and called him. Turns out that NOT only was he off work Friday and Saturday BUT also Sunday! WTF? You have 3 days off work, 3 days off that I am also off and you make NOT ONE ATTEMPT to see me. Yeah so fuck that! I had a quick debriefing with my Mom and decided to be done. I told him and I quote, "After talking I now realize you do not have time for a relationship. I need to be with someone who wants more time with me. You really are a great guy and I wish it could be different. Shoot ok let me be honest here....I sent in in a text message. Yeah yeah you can yell PUSSY all you want but it was that moment that if I did not get it off my chest I would allow myself to sit and stew about it and quite frankly I was DONE stewing. So I was a total and utter childish pussy and broke up with him on his Birthday. My mom said that if he really cared he would call, if he did not...well time to move forward. He called approximately 30 seconds later. GOOD BOY!

We talked for over an hour. I told him that seeing someone one day a week just is not enough for me. I work first shift, he works third and we both have a child. Dating with a child is tough but I am more than willing to make sacrifices. I am a kick ass girlfriend and I will lose sleep for someone I care about on ANY given day regardless of walking around like a sleep deprived zombie. If I care I will DO IT, mark my words!

He just kept saying that this was new to him. He said that he has not dated anyone in 6 years and it has basically just been him, his job, his overtime and his son and that he is really trying to make it all work together. He sounded VERY sincere. He said that if I think it will not work it will not. He said he did not want to stop seeing me. He said it was up to me and that I caught him off guard. I asked him if one night a week was enough for him and he also agreed that it is not.  He told me he thought I was worth it. He said he has never been involved with someone where it just comes so natural. He feels so comfortable around me and that it is just plain easy. We would both hate to see something that has such great potential go down the tubes due to schedules and time frames. However at the beginning stage of a relationship it is HIGHLY critical! If it is worth it we can find a way to make it happen. 

I honestly did not want to STOP seeing him but I need more than what he can give me right now. He is the first guy who gives me the quivers, yeah ladies you know what I am talking about!  It sounds like he is willing and wants to give me more or at least try. We have decided to not involve our children for the time being so that does put an added pressure on us both as our chidren are our first priorities. He wants me to stop worrying about what time I call him and call whenever I want. He likes to talk to me, he enjoys the time he has with me and wants it to be more often....

So Steve lets see if you can live up to what you say. Shit or get off the pot as my fabulous Mom said! This is the last chance to show me what you got! BRING IT ON!