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June 29-July 1, 2007: This is a late entry! Work has been completely and utterly insane so finding the time to update has been difficult but I will do my best...bare with me as I will try to speak in past tense.

FRIDAY: Well Steve said he would call me last night and he did not. Not calling when you say you will is a huge pet peeve of mine and he is beginning to frustrate me! Anyhow...He called Friday morning bright and early and I had to say something. I simply said, "thanks for calling me last night ya boob!" He apologized and said that he slept until it was time to work and figured it was a bit too late. OK I will allow it again- dammit! He picked me up at 8:45am and we headed to his friends house. I actually felt a tinge of worry when we pulled up. It is always strange meeting new people and knowing that you are going to stay with them for the entire weekend. Not to mention you never get a second chance to make a first impression. They seemed like pretty neat people so away we went. Jodie and I sat in the back because we were all driving together. I was hoping Steve would sit with me so we could talk, get to know each other some more, laugh, play around- WRONG! I felt totally disconnceted from him and was struggling to talk with Jodie...we talked but honestly after a four hour drive we were running out of things to say and I really just wanted to get there and start my weekend.

Well we finally arrived after 5.5 hour drive! Yeah it is only supposed to take 4 hours but we got delayed in traffic. When I say delayed I mean that kind of back up that goes on for miles and miles, yeah it sucked! I personally love staying in hotels, in different cities, exploring different cultures. I was really looking forward to getting to the hotel and going to explore. Now the other man we were with who was also named Steve LOVED to eat hence the invite to the Taste of the Town. I had no idea what I was in for with food. So we headed to a hot dog place. I heard all about how fabulous there hot dogs were and no one wanted to wait until we were settled at the hotel. All I kept thinking was SHIT SHIT SHIT Shannon and hot dogs DO NOT mix! As you know no one knows about my lap band and I was beginning to freak out about eating. SO I prayed and prayed hard and ordered a hot dog. It took me DAMN  near an hour to eat it and I ate 75% of it but I was really nervous. I heard a few jokes about me and the amount of time it took me to eat it but I brushed it off. I simply said, "I eat slow and eating slow is a good thing!" 

So we finally get to the hotel after the dreaded hot dog incident...oh on a side note it was a fucking great hot dog but than again I have not eaten one in years so maybe that is why all the extra processed pig parts tasted exceptionally tasty to me! Well the hotel made a boo boo and only booked us one bed, that is right ONE bed. Steve and I had to order a roll away. Ummm yeah a twin size ROLL AWAY! Talk about comfy and relaxing in bed with my new interest- ok this sucks! Roll away beds and big fat hot dogs...now what?

So we drop our stuff and head to the Taste of the Town. LORD what was I thinking? A girl who can hardly eat a cup of food at a time and a HUGE eating event like this. I honestly did not realize our entire weekend would be all about food. This place had MILES AND MILES of food-food and more food! IT was every fat girls dream! What I would not have done to rip this damn band out of my belly button for a couple days- sheer heaven! Yeah so my mind still wishes I could eat like a hog sometimes, hey its normal!

We had to get tickets which cost $7 for 11. These tickets basically in a  nut shell purchased ANY kind of food your heard desired. We are talking beef, meatballs, pizza, rice, chicken, ribs, ice cream, cheese cake, beer, tacos, corn on the cob, fresh cherries and even sauteed GOAT! Yeah gross I know....so I ordered a beer with 1 of my tickets, hey its safe its liquid!

So to make this story short because my daughter is hungry for dinner....we spent the entire weekened walking miles on top of miles to the point where my feet hurt, we ate tons of food and were TOTALLY and utterly disconncted! I felt myself holding back from being WHO I am infear of how he would preceive it. He ordered this giant meat bal sandwich and the first thing that came to my goofy ass mind was, "man you have some big balls!" HAHA that makes me laugh but I could not say it. I did not know how he would handle it, I did not know his friends and how they would view it so I refrained. I swore I would always be myself and I feel I am not being ME. I HATE HATE HATE THIS!

We needed to be alone. If we were already in an established relationship going with two other couples would have been great but we are not. We had NO alone time. We did not get to go out together at all. We did not get to fool around: touch, kiss, grope- SHIT NOTHING! What a huge dissapointment. I felt more distant from him than I ever had and as I drove home I had thoughts of how I would break things off with him. He is so sweet and it just pisses me off so much that it really is not working for me. He has so much potential- SO MUCH! BUT c'mon if you like a girl make her feel it! I mean he had moments where he would grab my hand, caress my back etc which is nice but how bout some big fat I want you kisses! I know he is being respectful at the fact that I want to move slow but its not like he was going to have to worry about much being 2 feet away from another couple. I cannot tell how he feels about me. Maybe he invited me to Chicago a bit too soon and felt bad to break it off. I honestly considered NOT going....but I did not want to do that to him last minute.

Overall Chicago is a really neat town and overall I really did have a great time. We could not have asked for better weather, the sun was shining and it was a perfect 75 degrees out! We ate great good, saw some crazy people and enjoyed being away from the real world. I guess I just wanted to be away from the real world with someone who was crazy abuot me and I am not feeling the love- AGAIN! What's a girl to do? 

He dropped me off at home, said he had a great time, gave me a couple kisses and we both headed off to pick up our children. I need some alone time with him. I mean overnight no kids, no dogs, no distractions alone time! BUT guess what? How the hell does that happen when he works 3rd shifts and has two nights off a week. Well you would think those two nights of the week we woulc be together, wrong again! The two nights off a week he has his son. My daughter is by far my first priority and I would never let ANY man come in the way. However when trying to get to know someone some things have to be sacraficed or it would never work. I amwilling to sacrifice sleep for him but what is he willing to sacrifice for me? I do believe that if I do not find out soon Shannon will beback on the market and hungrier than ever!

OK well I may be kicking Steve to the curb soon! I am just not feeling the love and I swore to myself I would never settle for anything less than what makes me feel completely happy! We were supposed to go shopping last night, ok he wanted me to go shopping with him so he could purchase some new items for Chicago. This is the thing. I am a single parent. My daughters Dad lives in NY so I do not have the every other weekend and one night a week luxury. I have to MAKE plans and accomodations to spend time with him and I am more than willing! I had to watch my sisters kids for her Tuesday night just to have a few hours on Wednesday to spend with him. 

6pm rolls around and I still have not heard from him. Now listen...if I have a free night the last damn thing I want to do with it is sit and wait on someone else. I do not have a ton of free time so when I do...I want out of my house! Finally I said SCREW it and gave him a jingle. He was sleeping! Are you serious, I give up an entire night to babysit for my sister and her husband so I can free up time to go shopping with you and your sleeping????? How about a quick phone call or text or SOMETHING! I mean he made these plans himself NOT me!

We were having a pretty bad storm and he casually says," I think I will just go shopping tomorrow" WTF really??? So leave me sitting here because your comfy on your couch. So instantly I was annoyed. 

SO to make this short. I need someone who adores me who WANTS to spend time with me in his down time. I HAVE to feel important. Mind you he always makes me feel great when we are together but I need to feel important when we are not together just the same. When your first courting someone the beginning is so critical! I think he honestly has no clue what it means to court a woman, to win her over etc...Maybe I am being a little over critical, maybe he really is clueless but US women need to feel attention, affection on a pretty regular basis until a firm trust/love relationship is established, right? I want someone to WANT and DESIRE to spend time with me whenever they can. My ex may have been a total asshole but he always wanted to know what I was doing and when he could spend time with me next....he was always excited for ANY oppurtunity to see me...even if it was for 5 minutes!

So he has a chance to step up his game while in Chicago and if not.....ADIOS! I am debating on telling him how I feel. I could simply say, "You know Steve this just is not working for me" and tell him why in detail. Or I could just do my famous dissapearing act but I owe him more than that! I am an adult and if the interest is fading he deserves to know why. He deserves a right to try to make it better. I am sure I will gain some liquid courage in CHI-TOWN and let it roll, shit why not what do I have to lose????

I KNOW what I want and he is such a great person and has so much damn potential it is dissapointing! He is the first man who I have went out with more than twice and actually looked forward to seeing.

Worse case scenario...or best....he is the ONLY man who has made me forget about my ex. Maybe GOD brought him into my life to help me get past Jeremy. Maybe Steve is not meant to be permanent....who knows? LIfe is short and I want to be married with a few more babies someday. I will never sit around and hope and wait for someone to be what I want and need ever again! If he is not that person...hasta la vista baby.

Wish me luck! 
S

June 24,2007: It is 10pm and I am sitting in bed wearing nothing but a wife beater tank top and undies as the cool breeze blows in on me. I must admit the weather is superb! My daughter is sleeping like a little slumbering princess next to me and my doberman is at the end of the bed chewing on her Blues Clue toy. Nothing like a full bed when your single! What is up with this picture? I will wake up on the corner of the bed sometime tonight begging for the warmth of my blanket that both Delaney and Sayge have over taken!

OK journal time. Friday night I felt a bit down. I had not heard from Steve and certainly did not want to call him. He had worked a double and did not get off work until nearly 4pm. I find it curteous to allow him sleep time. I was just not feeling the love this week...feeling a bit discouraged but shit its life- you win some- you lose some! 

Saturday night Steve, my sister and my brother in law all had tickets to the Mud Hens Game. Steve came over around 615pm and we all sat out on the patio and drank a couple beers while engrossing ourselves with good conversation. We headed to the game and arrived about 30 minutes late. The game atmosphere really is great! There is just something about a beer  at a ball game on a nice summer night. Or shoot maybe there is some special ingredient since each one cost $6.50!

Anyhhow we watched the game. Steve was really attentive. Very affectonate! I am a mushy mess like that. I love to be touched, caressed etc. Then night seemed to fly by almost making the ball game a blur. Our Mud Hens won and they than had a fire works display. Steve held me close as we watched the sky light up in wild bursts of brightness. After the game we all headed to Frickers for food and drinks. Everyone sat on the patio, joked around and just had an all over great time! At this point I can say I was DRUNK. I could not drink one more sip of anything...hahah LUSH! Well no really I am not but when I do not have my daughter (which is rarely) I like to kick back and drink a few bru-ha-has!

After Frickers we came to my house so I could let my dog out and than we headed back out Steve's friends house. Him and his wife have a very nice home and a beautifully lit pool. We sat around the pool, they had candles going, teekee torches etc...great enviornment! I did start to get one hell of a headache. Shoot I had been drinking since 630pm and it was now nearing 3am! Suzie gave me some exederin and I was good to go but definately ready for some bed time. 

We left at about 430am. Damn those police officers have NO concept of time! NONE! They can stay awake until the sun comes up with no worries. I however turn into Grams once midnight hits :) Its all about the schedule

We were driving  home and I just kept telling myself, "invite him to stay, invite him to stay, quit being a chicken shit." I really did want to be in his arms to sleep -not alone with my dog which happens way too often. I did ask him if he would like to stay and we made the decision to stay at his house. He was sweet and asked if I would like to stop at home and get anything first but I declined. I can sleep anywhere at anytime wearing ANYTHING! 

We get to his house and I do the old fashioned toothpaste on finger trick. That shit really does not get the job done the way it should..LOL! I swear that I was out like a light within ten minutes only to be woken by someone caressing my leg. YUMMY! Let the fun begin! We had an extremely HOT and HEAVY SESSION! I had to do everything in my power not to rip my panties off and jump on. I was very proud of myself. I did tell him honestly about how I was feeling and he was so wonderful! The first time I am with him I do not want to be drinking! I do not want to be in a alcohol induced sexual rage. I want to do it right. I have had meaningless sex in my time and I never feel good about it after the fact. I must say I feel older and wiser when it comes to my current choices. I NEED to make the best choices for me.

The best choice for me is to ONLY be with someone I am in a relationship with. I feel good about this choice and until him and I progress to that stage of seriousness he is not getting any of this!
 
He was so great! He also agreed that the first time we are together he wants to be 100% sober but he also made it VERY clear that he cannot wait for that day! I almost felt bad and did tell him that I appreciated him be willing to move at my pace and he said 7 words and 7 words only that made me smile with anticipation. He said, "SHANNON YOUR MORE THAN WORTH THE WAIT" 

So yeah I was horny as hell and had to refrain for my own moral rules but MAN when that day comes I am going to ROCK HIS F-ING WORLD! Did I say that with a lot of punctuation and sass! For sure! I am a sexual human being just like everyone else. I have needs, emotions and desires. I just really like to look before I leap and I am looking hard! We woke up and went to breakfast the next day and it was comfortalbe, I mean really truly comfortable...this is good...or wait this could be good....I am still not sold yet but that is up to me to figure out!

OH yeah I almost forgot he felt my SQUISH! Yes ladies and gentleman that is what I call the post lap band belly..my squish! I try to blame it on baring a child but that excuse will only work for so long. It sucks because I look great with clothes on...actually sometimes with the right bra and outfit I  look like I might have a smoking hot bod beneath. What a mirage! I was very worreid about how he would feel...but guess what? If he doesnt like the SQUISH someone else surely will!

SO him and I are off to Chicago Friday for the TASTE OF THE TOWN. Maybe we will get a taste of each other, well ok that was done this morning...LOL!
We are leaving Friday morning and will be coming home Sunday afternoon. Our first weekend away together...hmmm could get interesting...stay tuned for more scenes from The Days of Shannon's Life...HA!

Steve and I watched a movie at his house last night! It was so damn relaxing! We snuggled on the couch with the fan blowing gently on us and I swear I could have fallen asleep right in his arms. It was a great movie and he is a soft touchy feely type of a man and I LOVE IT! He was always rubbing my arm, leg or hair- NICE! He of course sits higher than I do and kept kissing my head! Than he had to go to work...boo hoo!
So I am going to try to just relax and let things go at there normal pace. 

I should have some good stories on Monday. Saturday night we are going to a Toledo Mud Hens game with my sister and her husband. I will probably drink too much beer and make a fool of myself because my twin sis and I rarely get to spend weekend nights out together, therefore when we do...well needless to say we have FUN! 

Stay tuned.......

I would also like to give special thanks to everyone who took time out of their day yesterday to listen to me bitch and moan. You advice and concern is appreciated more than you know!

 

Well I am over due for update time. I have to admit though lately I have been feeling VERY discouraged and any advice or feedback is greatly appreciated! Why is DATING so hard for me? No holds barred really...I am a big girl and can take what you dish out!

June 15, 2007: Steve and I made plans tonight and I was REALLY looking forward to it. I had spent Wed and Thur with him and was ready for a weekend night with no curfew! I was in the mood to look HOT, I mean walk through my door and jaw drop hot so I did it. I wore cute little black dress shorts and this beautiful cream abd black tank that had a small satin ribbon on the front. As I looked in the mirror I realized we had NO idea what we were doing and felt a small rush of panic over come me wondering if I was over dressed. Well I was! He was wearing a pair of khackis and a t-shirt! OPPS! He did say that I looked great but he insisted we go back to his house so he could change his shirt. Fair enough!

We headed to a small tavern for dinner and honestly nothing on the menu seemed too appealing so we decided to have a beer. We sat on an outside patio but the enviornment was less than pleasing so we decided to head elseware. He had mentioned that some friends of his were meeting at a bar called Frogtown Johnnies and asked if I would like to stop in and than go grab dinner. So of course I was a bit nervous KNOWING I would meet quite a few of his co-workers/friends! Little did I know that I would also meet the TWINS! OK two very good looking twin sisters who also work in law enforcement who have made it MORE than clear that they would like to have a relationship with him! Boy talk about intimidating. I definately felt the stare. You know what I am talking about here too- that SHE IS WITH THE ONE I WANT STARE! I of course am very easy to get along with so I brushed it off and enjoyed my night. Here is the strange twist. These two ladies are lesbians but have dated men. They prefer women but want STEVE in a bad way. How can someone not be intimidated by this? They have vacationed together at least 3 times as "FRIENDS" of course!

Steve did do a fabulous job of making sure i was taken care of and not left hanging. He would gently place his hand on my back...or rub my leg as we sat, it was nice! 

I than had my first overnight stay at his house! It was HOT and HEAVY and I enjoyed every moment of it as it has been too long! He said he was starting to care for me and that he could hardly believe that I was single. He said he was so lucky to have me there with him and completely enjoys every moment he is with me! Of course that felt great to hear. Lets face it though...I am insecure and still working on my esteem. The first thing that goes through my head is not that he is sincere but that he is trying to get my pants off, can you blame me? OH yeah and since you are wondering for the record no intercourse took place. I absolutely refuse to give myself to someone without a commitment or a KNOWN monogamous relationship. Call me old fashioned but sex on the first few dates it NOT my style. But HOT damn did I want to!!!!!!!! I hope I did not bore him completely. It really does take me a while to get comfortable with a man intimately. Once I do however WATCH OUT! He probably thought he was in bed with the damn virgin mary! (please do not take that as a religious knock as I am only using it as an expression)

It felt so great to sleep in someones arms. It felt so great to wake up next to someone who seems genuinely interested in me. I however still cannot seem to accept it for what it is and let it just be GOOD!

SO Saturday rolls around and he does not call or text all day long. He did however know that I had 3 hours of sleep and a Birthday party for my daughter and 20 other kids. I was BUSY lets face it- if he would have called I could not have talked. It bothered me, it made me feel as though he was not thinking about me. He eventually called and we had a quick chat before he headed to work (8p-4a). He told me to call him later in the night and I did. He did not answer, never returned my call and did not even send a sorry text. OK so call me over reacting but I need CONSTANT reassurance when the game is this new!

WOW this is getting long. I will try to condense. He did call me on Sunday and we chatted briefly. He had his son and his son's two buddies for the night. He said he would call me later- he did not. Again PISSED! I do need to make this clear- I RARELY call him! I seem to wait and let him do all the work. I wonder if he really feels like I am interested since he does all of the dialing asking out etc...I think I need to be a bit more aggressive and step my game up just a touch. I need to see if he wants to stop by and watch a movie or go grab a drink instead of always waiting for him to do it! I think I do not give good vibes because of my shyass!

So needless to say my Monday started rough. I felt completely let down like I have in the past and it really bothers me! I never want to feel that way again! I have felt it more than I care to admit.

He than sent me a text Monday morning and it said, "I hope your having a great day gorgeus, sorry I did not call last night!" OK so he admits he was supposed to but why not? I mean really it only takes 10 seconds to send a text that you are crazy busy with 3 per-puberty boys! I told him I was expecting his call and asked if everything was ok. He said they went go-carting, putt putt, ice creme and than to a friends for video games until 130am and he of course did not want to wake me up. 

I know I over react a little and have been told to not sweat it. He calls, he texts, he spends quite a bit of time with me lately but I am getting this sneaking suspicion he is losing interest. Is it me? Is it him? Am I just not agressive enough? Am I just not showing enough interest myself?

I feel as though I would like to be upfront and ask but I also do NOT want to portray myself as an insecure woman even though I am one. I mean cmon' we can all have some false confidance! 

Suggestions? Recomendations? Similiar Experiences? 

Virigin Shannon signing out for now.....until next time!

June 13,2007: WOW My baby girl is 6 years old today! It does not seem like long ago I was deep breathing and trying to bring her into this world. It truly is amazing how fast time flies! We woke up bright and early and started the celebration. Every year when she goes to bed I fill her bedroom up with balloons and her gifts. She just loves waking up in the morning to a ton of fun balloons! Of course I had to work which stinks but she was excited to take M&M cookies to school for all of her friends! Than I received a phone from my little brother, he was picking her up from school and spending the day with her. They went to Tony Pacos, COSI and than to TOYS R US! Of course Uncle Phil ALWAYS gets the best presents. When I got off work I came home to find a brand new 12 foot trampoline!  Now I realize this is great fun for any child BUT as a MOM I also see potential for broken arms legs and most of all necks! Trying to stay optimistic here! Her and I than went to a dinner of her choice and she chose Red Lobster. Leave it to a 6 year old to decide on a restaurant by what is in the tanks for her viewing pleasure, so cute! 

After Delaney went to bed Steve came over for a movie. I was so tired but going without rest was OK for me as long as I was able to see him, aww sweet huh? LOL! He came over and we sat on the patio enjoying the fabulous evening for close to two hours. I had a glass of wine and he drank a couple beers and of course we smoked some cigarettes (YES I KNOW THEY ARE BAD). 

There is something so wonderful and magical about those warm summer nights when you have good company!

We than went to watch our movie. I rented EPIC movie...The entire movie is a run off from Pirates, Chronicles of Narnia, Borat and Divinci Code. He however had not saw any of the above listed movies which made for a strange movie. Of course we snuggled on the couch *SIGH*! I am such a lovey dovey girl and it just felt so nice! Not to mention his kisses are so damn sweet! I am such a sucker for a good kisser . It does something to me that we will not get into here HA! I was a bit more aggressive this time (probably from 3 glasses of wine) so I decided to stradle him on the couch. Isn't kissing  touching so nice when your chest to chest? Face to face? Well I think so and he did not seem to complain much either. So in closing we had another nice time together...I am just trying my best to not think bad thoughts, those bad thoughts bring me down fast and hard. Think POSITIVE~ God will take care of me!

June 14, 2007: My parents wanted to get my daughter for a "LATE" Birthday celebration so Steve and I made plans again. We really seem to be seeing quite a bit of each other lately. I saw him Sat/Sun/Wed/Thur this week and now he would like to spend time with me tonight. It is VERY difficult however: I work day shift, he works midnights and we both have little ones. This is the easy part- just losing a bit of sleep to spend quality time together. Everything can change when the kids are incorporated, well if that ever happens! 
He took me to Maumee Bay State Park. It was just beautiful! We walked along the water and down to the beach. The sun was shining bright! It was so romantic really- just wish I had more balls to act on my romantical desires..HAHA! All in due time I suppose! After our nice time there we went to his friends home. We sat around, talked, laughed and just relaxed. It was a great night and its so neat to do FUN things. I think our next evening together we are packing a cooler and a picnic dinner and heading to the drive in. How fun is that? I have not been to a drive in since I was a child! 

So all in all life is going swell right now. I have NOT thought about my ex hardly at all. It really took someone like Steve to help me get past him. I think of Steve vs Jeremy and I laugh! That feeling is so releasing! I NEEDED TO FEEL THAT! However I have no clue how I will learn to trust again! I for some reason have this jaded view that all men are sneaky, all men lie, all men think with their dick over their heart. Now my realistic side knows this is not true but once you have been burnt over coming that is one of the most difficult jobs imaginable. 

I just have to have FAITH and follow my heart. I do believe the motto, "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all"

So I am here to write about the remainder of my weekend..I ran out of time yesterday :) I have decided however regardless of this being a weightloss website I really LOVE getting my feelings down and journaling my experiences. TO be honest I am not even sure anyone reads this.

June 9, 2007: I had a wedding today for an old friend of mine. I was in her first wedding many years ago when I was at my heaviest. Sometimes when I reflect on my hardships I think of Robin and am simply amazed. We all battle different demons and WOW has she had her share. To make it quick: she was married, left her husband for a WOMAN, moved to Georgia for 4 years and than came home and married his best friend. Umm yeah so ok talk about WILD! Anyhow her wedding was beautiful. It was in her parents backyard, on a gazebo over looking a pond and fountain. They could not have asked for a better day to be married. On a side note my first love was there, Kenny. He has not saw me since my weight loss and I honestly think he about fainted! All I could do was smile, hold my head high and be proud of how far I had come. He had his chance once before and I am certain he is kicking himself now. Him and I were the best of friends and he could not see past my weight...HAHAH EVIL LAUGH- HIS LOSS ALL HIS LOSS!

Steve had to work a project at the Latino Fest tonight from 6p-12am but he made it pretty clear that he would like to hang out if I would still be awake. On a normal day- no way would I still be awake at midnight but I found myself wanting and craving to see him! After the wedding I decided to come home and ended up falling asleep, still in my cute dress mind you! I did however (and of course I did not tell him this) put my phone alarm on for midnight..haha in hopes of his call! He was off work at 11:30pm and called me at 11:32pm! Of course I played the cool route as I was not expecting his call. However he than said, "oh I woke you up I will let you sleep!" HAHA NO NO DONT HANG UP I WANT TO SEE YOU! He did invite me over and I was to his house by 12am. We sat and talked, watched a movie and literally stayed up ALL night long. i cannot recall the last time I stayed up until 6am!

The funny thing is I am SHY! The entire night I thought about touching him or kissing him and I was too damn nervous. I did not want to come off as easy, aggresive or pushy. 5:30am came around and it was time for me to go. Two quick pecks and this scardy cat was out the door. As I was driving all I kept thinking was STUPID STUPID STUPID! I decided to send him a text and simply stated, 

ME: "Kicking myself for being shy, had a great time again!" 

STEVE: "I know, we will have to work on us not being so shy. I really loved spending time with you again. Your great! Goodnight gorgeus!"

ME: "Just call me chicken shit!"

STEVE: No just call us chicken shit, I could not even get up enough nerve to hold your hand lol!"

So I felt like I was in highschoo! I honestly felt like it was a good thing. I want to take my time with someone. To really invest my efforts in getting to know the ins and outs of the person. I have never moved fast and he is no exception. The neat thing is he respects it....butterflies in my belly!!!!

Sunday June 10, 2007: I fell asleep around 6am and finally woke up nearing noon. I felt this gush of excitement (no not that kind you pervs! LOL) I actually think I am beginning to like this man! WOW WOW WOW I had no idea how great that felt. Of course my former self has to stop that feeling by worrying about what COULD happen...I wish I could learn to be more optimistic! I just do not want to invest the time and energy it takes to get to know someone for it to just fail again like the last two men I was involved with. Break ups just fucking hurt and it typically set me back, I do not want to be held back every again! I want to continue to move forward with my new life with or without a man. However having one is always a great thing. I am so much better in a relationship than out of.

So anyhow...wow this is becomming long. Sunday Steve called me Sunday a couple times while I was running errands and was definately beating around the bush. He is just so stinking adorable! I could tell he wanted to see me but did not want to feel pushy since we had spent the entire NIGHT together just a few hours before. In a nut shell he asked if I would like to come over and watch a movie. Hell yeah! I showered, got all pretied up and headed over. This time he broke the ice RIGHT away with a great kiss. You know those kisses that make all the blood run to your face- YOWZAS loving it! We snuggled closely the entire movie, he rubbed my arm and leg and held my hand and gave me fabulous kisses throughout the movie. It just felt sureal. Its been so long! I honestly did not want to leave....I crave affection and love and he was doing a great job providing that for me. 

So in closing everyone say a prayer for me that things work out. I am so ready to be with a great guy and be elated every second I get with him...

So heres to the butterflies in my stomach staying right where they are!!

CIAO!

Update time! SO I did go on the date with the gentleman who sparked my interest last week on Tuesday night. IT SUCKED! For the first time ever I actually thought about ditching. How horrible is that? I ONLY thought it though- I would never hurt someone's ego in that way. I knew I was in for a long and dreaded evening with this person who I did not want to be with. 

The guy I went out with, well his name is Jason. He had this strange way of speaking slowly and almost everytime he talked he rolled his eyes to the back of his head. To be honest it was kinda creepy! He does not have the same interests as I do, was afraid to drink a beer with me and listens to rap music! YUCK! I am a country girl!!!!!!!! So glad it was over when it was over. There is nothing worse than a BUM date! I do consider them all learning experiences however!

It all actuality I thought about what Steve was doing...good sign! Yes ladies and gentleman the HOT police officer now has a name :) 

June 6, 2007: Wednesday I woke up with a headache!  I ended up calling into work to get some rest. I popped a few excedrin migraine tabs and  was good to go. Ran a few errands and than of course at this late hour there is really no point in going to work, not to mention it was BEAUTIFUL OUT! Steve called and wanted to see if  I would like to hang out. We were torn between the driving range (I have never golfed before) and the park. We chose the park and walked a 3.8 mile trail through the wilderness. It was just beautiful! We really got to know quite a bit about each other while walking. He just looked so freaking adorable to me and I started to realize...WOW he really may be as great as he seems :) We than grabbed a beer and appetizer at an outdoor patio grille and again sat and talked and learned about each other. I did tell him that I have a hard time letting people get to know me. I am a bit jaded due to past relationships and he seemed to understand as he feels a bit the same. I was supposed to pick my daughter up from her Grandparents at 8pm. I looked at my phone and it was already 8:30pm SHIT!!!!!! 

They do say times flies when your having fun! I called my parents and my Mom was so great! She really is excited that I am no longer focused on my ex so she told me to take my time. It was time to go...he drove me home and gave me the sweetest kiss ever. Hmmm my cheeks were definately on fire! Until next time....I fell asleep with the biggest shit eating grin on my face and it felt AMAZING! Wow its been so long since I have felt somewhat GIDDY....or somewhat excited to learn more about someone. 

We also spent time together this weekend but I have some work to do so will post later :)

Thanks my friends!

OK so I have done very well lately in regards to forgetting the ex. I think it honestly must help that the sun is shining and there are so many more things to do now. Anyhow...I also know he is in Florida for quite sometime therefore my fears of seeing him have disapeared. OK enough about him. 

I have been TRYING really hard to let people get to know me. There is this small "issue" that I have just realized that I have. I am GUARDED. I am very hesitant and have a difficult time letting people in. I think it is because I have had two failed relationships and the time and effort it takes to really get to know someone is a TON of work. Maybe I am still just lazy- who knows?

SO I have been casually seeing a very nice man. We have had two dates thus far and talk on the phone daily (May 10 and May 26). He is a police officer and a HOT one at that. Its odd though..I am just not smitten. I just think that if someone is really enjoying someones company they would want to spend as much time as possible with that person, right? Its odd: he is fabulous so far! He is easy to talk to, great lookng, sweet, easy going, has his head on straight, a good job, motivation, silly and enjoyable all around yet I am not allowing him "IN". WHY WHY WHY? What the hell is wrong with me? Maybe I want more of a challenge since EVERYTHING in my life seems to have been a challenge to this point...does that even make sense? 

Why would someone WANT a challenge? I mean this fabulous wonderful person is right here wanting to get to know me and I am not allowing him to see the real me and I barely realize it when its happening.  This is a no work situation...none so why not take the easy route Shannon...yeah talking out loud here. 

So I am just going to go with the flow and will see what happens. I have such a hard time hurting people. If it turns out I am not so interested in continuing on with him how in the world do I tell him? I think my past failed relationships are causing problems for me and I have yet to figure out how to overcome this! He is just a really neat person and I would never want to injure someones feelings. Rejection is a bitch and as a former heavyweight I have had my share. I also worry about these men finding out my TRUTH. THEY DO NOT KNOW OF MY OBESITY FILLED PAST. I cannot meet someone and just blurt out, "oh by the way I used to weigh 250 pounds!" It is just so difficult! I have a plan to just make them fall madly in love with me and than tell them, yes that will work!!!! HAHA!

I just feel like I have settled in my past and I absolutely refuse to do that again! I want the best person out there for me! I want the one that GOD hand picked...and I will wait if I have to (but not too long so get moving LOL). I know he is out there somewhere. Maybe it is this one...than again maybe not!

I do have a date tonight however with someone else other than my adorable police officer.  This one is an engineer. We have been emailing back and forth and he has really peaked my interest. Very witty and seems very much like myself. We are going to a Mud Hens baseball game...should be interesting.

Do I have to tell the police officer that I am going out with someone else? I mean I should be upfront and honest right? We have only went out twice....but I really do not want to hurt his feelings either and make him doubt me. I am wanting to know more about him but I am going to move at TURRRRRTLE speeds this time :)

Any advice...like I said I HATE dating, I am just NOT GOOD at it! So I will update you on police officer vs engineer soon :) LOL!

On the diet front things are GREAT! I look in the mirror and smile. I love what i see (WITH) clothes on. Someday I will have that LBL and be able to wear a bathing suit and just gleam. Until than I thank GOD every day for giving me another chance....until next time.....

Well my goodness it has been a while since I have ranted on obesityhhelp! So here goes nothing! Life has been pretty crazy lately! I am still dating, still trying to find Mr. Right which is a huge PIA! My dreaded ex came flying back into my life in March and everything has just been chaos since than! Next time I actually think he can change can one of you please drive to Ohio and slap me up side the head! What the hell was I thinking? It stinks so much because I truly LOVED him. There was so much about him that I loved...but that was when he was being on good behavior! Finally once again I told him to leave me alone. Lets just say he called me JELLO GIRL! How cruel is that. I may have lost a lot of weight but I am squishy you know? But just because I am squishy does not mean someone cannot love all of me! I do not have a rock hard body..I have flab and skin...but I can hide it well. However when your in bed...well obviously its shown and he plays on my insecurities- what an ass! OK enough about him. 

I also have recently lost two grandparents. My grandmother passed away on April 12 and one week later my grandfather passed on April 19- almost exactly one week apart and different sides of the family, so needless to say its been a bit stressful. God Bless them both though- no longer in pain.

I am leaving for a vacation to Mexico on May 16th- so be ready for some FABULOUS stunning pictures! I cannot wait but I am freaking out at this point because I have yet to received my passport. When I applied (Feb) they said 4-6 weeks, than it went to 8 weeks and now it is sitting at 12! If I do not get to take this vacation I will cry like a 5 year old. I really need this break. I need to get away from the real world! Shoot it is already paid for and the 3 others that I am traveling with all have received theirs. So we shall see, wish me luck.

On the diet front no change to report. I have been sitting steady at 145. I have noticed that I am really eating like crap lately! I eat whatever I can find and have been killing fried foods. I just cannot seem to get back on track. I cannot remember the last time I ate a good piece of fruit. I think it is because fruit does not go down as nice as I would like it and quite frankly I prefer to not vomit. My face and nexk turn red and the pain kicks in..so shoot...tortilla chips and queso...those go down great. So lets forget the fruit and eat crap! Good reasoning right? Wrong! LOL.
I hope to get back in the health kick soon...hopefully I will come back from Mexico with a clear mind, a great tan and a new refreshed perspecitve! Adios my amigos!