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OK so I had that horrible moment that we all hope does not happen actually HAPPEN to me this weekend. I ran into the EX! Well sometimes you actually want to see them just to show off how damn good you look, right ladies? I wqant him to see me and THINK wow she is beautiful!

It was a strange situation and I have not been able to stop thinking about it all week. What is wrong with me? How come I cannot just LET HIM GO? He is NOT a good partner for me yet he consumes my mind. Now I know these blogs are supposed to be about lap band and diet but you know what, I want to get my feelings out...so here I am.

I looked HOT...I felt HOT....I could tell he thought I looked HOT! He slithered up next to me and said, Hello. Well that was just fine but as the night went out and the more he drank (we were at a Mardi Gras party at the local pub) he started to stalk me. I could feel his eyes burning through me every step I took. It was getting rather annoying to be honest but on the flip side I also enjoyed that he was bothered. OMG what is wrong with me? LOL Please someone tell me you have felt this way before!

To make a LONG story short he had the nerve to come up to a male friend of mine and say, "Wait till you see her naked!" OK OK...I have lost over 100 pounds. I feel great and look great but he KNOWS how insecure I am about my belly. Not only did I have one hell of a stretch out with my daughter but I HAVE LOST 100 POUNDS! OF COURSE my stomach does not look like a super model! DUH! 

I tried to NOT let it bother me but it did. He has shown his true colors over and over. He wanted to hurt me and he wanted to make me feel insecure and worried about what is under my shirt. It breaks my heart because it WORKS! I felt instantly more self conscious. I may weigh 147 pounds but I still am working on wrapping my mind around that. Sometimes I walk into a room still feeling like I weigh over 200. 

How will I ever be intimate with anyone again when I am so self conscious about what is under my clothes. With clothes on...watch out, naked YUCK! I have the saggy belly of an 80 year old and my BOOBS...ummm yeah where did those nice full DD's go? I would not trade losing the weight for anything but I find that I have some more issues that I need to continue to over come.

Anyone out there that is really wealthy feel like helping this girl with a tummy tuck? LOL. OK OK I know a GIRL can WISH! I have tried and tried to get abdominoplasty approved but it is just not working. My plastic surgeon says I need an entire body lift for the loose skin, yeah what single 28 year old mother who works her ass off can afford that? Not this one! Does that mean I will forever be scared of getting naked? 

God will take care of me- HE ALWAYS DOES! I just hope that someday just maybe someday I can walk up to that SOB in a hot little bikini and show him how HORRIBLE I really look naked! The sweetest revenge!

WOW THAT was a HUGE RANT, thank you I feel better! LOL

OK it is final- I HATE DATING! Why is it so difficult to find a good man? Honestly it is difficult whether being of normal size or of big size. When I was big it was difficult because no one wanted the FAT GIRL! Everyone always loved Shannon and thought she was such a great person but no one really WANTED Shannon! Now that is not the case. Now what is happening is me having a difficult time deciding if a man REALLY wants to know me or if he is looking at the outwardly appearence. 

Its funny because I always thought that once I shedded the OLD me I would have no problems... WRONG! I just want a good hearted, honest, loving, Christian, educated, humerous man that loves me FAT or THIN! Is that too much to ask? Maybe I am too picky. I have realized that my WANTS and NEEDS in a man have changed. I now can get an attractive man to like me but what about the IMPORTANT qualities? Those are critical! Looks can only get a person so far- it is truly about what the inside posseses. I will NEVER lose sight of what is most important...I thank god for letting me realize that. I hear too often of people losing weight and really letting their beliefs and values go!

Blah I am totally venting because I have no one else to complain to! LOL I mean I know a lot of people are probably thinking..."ZIP it you can find any man you want" I have heard that. Its not like that though. I want someone I can tell EVERYTHING to- someone I can tell that I have lost 100 pounds and admire me and love me for the steps that I took to be a healthier me. 

Get this though- I am afraid to tell people that I may have a physical interest in. I am afraid of what they will think of me. I am afraid that they will think I will make chubby babies...how stupid! 

My head has yet to catch up with my body, how long will this take???????

Thanks for letting me complain/whine/bitch/moan..LOL

On to other things- I am BATTLING my insurance company to pay for a tummy tuck. The skin I have is really GROSS and I just feel that it would COMPLETE my transition! To be able to wear a bathing suti without a skirt would be awesome! I did meet with a fabulous plastic surgeon named Dr. Zavell. However he thinks a body lift is my best bet since the extra skin wraps around to my bootie area. I am afraid of this surgery- the scar is HUGE! Has anyone else out there had a body lift and what was your experiences?

OK so I cannot seem to figure out the NEW/OLD format that this is all about! I have tried everything it seems. SO I just copied my OLD profile and put it all into one BIG HUGE BLOG. I hope that is ok! I just did not want to lose those personal thoughts from 2004-present. So a quick update. I am feeling AMAZING and I must capitalize EVERY SINGLE DAMN LETTER! 

I am a single mother of a beautiful little 5 year old girl who has her MOMMY back- AMEN! I just had my 28th Birthday on Saturday and life is fabulously blessed, I never thought I would be here- NEVER. GOD is so good to me! Now I just need his help with my potty mouth :)

I am down to 152 and wearing a size 8. HOLY SHIT did I just type a size 8- yeah I swear! LOL LOL. I am over joyed. These two years have been a long journey but every single step was worth it. I have voluntered to go speak at the next lap band meeting. I think I could be a great motivation for those out there considering this surgery. I want to help people! I want them to know that it does not have to be that way forever, there is help! There is a way to regain your life. I did it...and obviously so many other people have done it!

The one thing that REALLY bothers me is this: MEN ARE ALL OVER ME! Now who in a million years would have ever thought this would bother me, well my friends it does! Who the hell do they think they are? I am so skeptical! I mean not one of these men would have EVER given me the time of day. Thing is do I blame them? NO not really, who wants to be with someone extremely over weight? I did not even want a FAT MAN when I was FAT myself. It is such a double edged sword isnt it? I want someone to love me for ME- size 8 or 18. Is that asking too much? I guess it could go so many ways really. I just want a good loving Christian man that will love and respect me and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. 

I guess if anyone bothered reading the LONG LONG blog before this you would see that I was INVOLVED and am now not :) 

I am just so blessed and so fortunate for God to have given me another chance at life. A life where I can run and play with my daughter and truly enjoy being a parent. I remember so many days where I would just sit and watch her and be full of guilt KNOWING she deserved better and for once in my life I can say she is getting the BEST of me now- THANK GOD!

Hello everyone! I am so thrilled to have finally gotten my surgery approved. I will be having the gastric lap band procedure performed on November 15, 2004! It sure has been a long time coming! My health insurance company gave me a very difficult time. With persistance and daily phone calls it is finally going to happen! I was not going to take NO for an answer. I guess this blonde polish power house really is persuasive. I think they finally just got tired of hearing from me.

11/04/2004- ONLY 10 DAYS LEFT UNTIL MY LIFE CHANGES FOREVER! I just realized today how to post like everyone else on this website so I am happy to contribute a bit more. I am 25 years old and have battled with my weight ever since I was in elementary school. I have PCOS (endocrine disorder), hypertension, high cholesterol, Level 2 Diabetes, and achy knees. I have a BMI of 41 and for some reason everyone thinks that there should be no way I am eligible for Weight Loss Surgery. They say I carry my weight well, how many people are reading this right now and are tired of hearing that you carry your weight well, or that you have such a pretty face? I bet a lot of you! I know that I am a beautiful person, I have a wonderful sense of humor...but there has always been the weight problem that does not let me shine through. To make it even more rough I have a twin sister who is 1/2 my size. To have a sister who looks just like you, with the exception of extra fat, is very difficult. I just want to be happy and healthy and live a long life for my beautiful 3 year old daughter. She deserves a Mommy who can run around the yard for an hour without feeling like she is going to collapse. So enough about me. Today I had my final hospital visit: So at this point I have now had to do the following:
MET WITH SHRINK TWICE
MET WITH NUTRITIONIST TWICE
MET WITH SURGEON ONCE
MET WITH SURGEONS NURSE ONCE
HAD UPPER GI
HAD ULTRA SOUND OF LEGS TO CHECK FOR BLOOD CLOTS
HAD EKG
BLOOD WORK

On Tuesday I have my final meeting with the surgeon and then it is off to liquid land for about 3 weeks, I think the days before the surgery are going to be tough! I will post a picture as soon as possible, this site has been wonderful support! I love to read everyone postings, it gives me a great sense of community to know that others are feeling the same way I am. I am just scared to death that I am going to die, is this common? Until next time...........

November 9, 2004- I had my final meeting with the surgeon today. What a frustrating experience! For some strange reason I thought we would actually talk! Ha what a joke! I literally sat in the office for 1 hour and 20 minutes. Finally after reading 3 PEOPLE magazines (oh how I love my Peoples) he came in. I kid you not he looked at a couple papers and said see you on Monday! That is all...a total of about 15 seconds worth of his time. I actually had to say something. I said, "I have been here for an hour and a half for that?" He apologized saying that Channel 24 was there and they had to do a brief news cast..although he did not want to he had to accomodate them also. I sure hope he doesn't rush through his surgeries the way he does appointments within the office. I do not want to be just another fat person looking for a cure. This surgery is a huge deal to me, I am scared and anxious. A little reassurance from the man who will be slicing me up would have been wonderful. Everyone in the office has been really nice and I understand that physicians are very busy, however the patient needs to be comfortable or he will definately be dealing with high blood pressure on surgery day...haha. I am sorry I am venting right now but I have one million and one emotions going through my entire body today. I wonder how many surgeries are performed in a day. I wonder if this has become such a huge surgery that they cram in as many people as possible. I am having surgery in 5 days! I will update before my surgery....Phew I do feel a bit better getting that off my chest.

November 10, 2004- OK so I had a complete break down this morning. I started my liquid diet today and got nailed in the face with the realization of what is about to happen. I have this ball of emotions that I have been holding deep down in this little tiny secret place (now c'mon you all know what place I am talking about) and it EXPLODED this morning. When I write I feel better. I am scared that something will go wrong, I am scared of how I will feel, I am scared the surgeon will "messup", I am scared that I am not going to make it through the surgery, I am horrified of what will happen to my daughter if I am not here. Please help me, I know that these feelings are probably common but I cannot help but feel like I have 5 days left. I am trying to battle my emotions by saying that this surgery will be completely uneventful and everything will be just fine. I tell myself I could leave work today and die in a car wreck. I cannot battle with fate, what is meant to be is meant to be. I am not afraid of dying, I know where I am going. I am worried about my family and my baby girl. If I do not do this surgery I could still lost the battle on life. So what am I worrying about right? Maybe it is just because I am really PMS-ing it today. I am a week over due and no I'm not pregnant that isnt possible...lol. However the surgeon did say it was routine to do a pregnancy test before surgery. That will just be a waste of $12.00...haha. I am lonely I think. I long to have someone love me and wrap their arms around me and LOVE me like my daughters Dad used to do. It wasn't him though, it was just having someone and I was settling for that affection from him because I needed it. Maybe I just need some affection today. Ok I am done venting. God Bless and say a prayer for me.

November 13, 2004- Well less than 48 hours to go! I have been on a liquid diet for 4 days now and it has not been all that bad. I am having a Carnation instant breakfast in the morning, either tomato soup or ramen noodle broth in the afternoon and a pudding or jello. Then for dinner...well same deal. It helps that I absolutely love chicken flavored ramen noodles..haha. I did buy some Ensure high Protein last night for after the surgery. I am really concerned about getting in enough grams of protein, I do not want to lose my hair!! Some of you ladies can verify that your long hair is some sort of strange tangled security blanket. I am sure once I hit my weight loss goal I will get rid of my locks. I also bought some Gas-X in case of an emergency. I hear that you get a pretty good build up. I sure do not want to walk around farting all day...LOL. I am relaxed today and am almost ready. I am sure I will start to freak out tomorrow but I am going to pray. As a matter of fact if everyone could say a prayer for me that would be wonderful! Until we meet again..........

November 13, 2004- Well less that 12 hours to go! I am doing OK right now. I have tons of questions running through my head. I have wondered if this is the right move for me, if I just have not tried hard enough, if I will be OK, if I will regret this surgery...and on and on....The one thing I have to do right now is just TRUST the good lord above. He led me to where I am tonight and he will take care of me tomorrow. I have to be at the hospital at 7am and the surgery is at 830am! I had a really tough time with my daugher tonight. She is staying with her Aunt Beth and Uncle Matt and she did not want me to leave. It scares me so deeply that something could go wrong....but you cannot live your life in fear...so here I go! Next time I journal I will officially have my lap band, say a prayer for me!

November 17, 2004- I am officially banded and feel awful! I will update when I am feeling better!

November 21, 2004- What a difference a day makes! Boy I feel really good today! This week has definately been a tough and trying week for me. So I will outline my hospital experience first.
-Checked in at 655am
-Called me back at 701am
-Took me to pre-op room, asked me a million questions, talked to about 4 different people and started to freak out. I literally started to cry. I was just so darn nervous that my emotions got the best of me. There is just something about those people in the pre operative rooms. They are just so accustomed to getting us in and getting us out. It is a cold feeling, I felt like I was on an assembly line at the local Jeep Plant. The nurse started my IV which I was really nervous about. My last IV experience 3 years ago was awful. First she gave me a little shot to numb the area and then did the IV. It was just glorious and done before I knew it! Then my Dad, Mom and twin sister came back. I lost it yet again...cried and cried like a little sisy girl. Finally the nurse brought this magic drug called VERCET. RIght this one down people and do not forget it! All of my fears melted away. It calmed me like some hypnotic potion...just WONDERFUL!
-Had to say goodbye to family but did not care because I was so drugged up.
-Took me to operating room
*All I really remember is the huge lights above my head and the gas face thing coming down. Then it was into LALA land. I did have a strange fear about being able to feel what they were doing. I seen this DISCOVERY channel or something special on that...but hey I am blessed it did not happen!
-Wake up in some sort of ICU...I could hardly open my eyes but I do remember asking the nurse for some lip balm. I remember thinking in my head that she just smeared a ton of vasoline on my lips thinking I couldnt feel it but I could...hahaha
-Wheeled into my delux penthouse suite at St. Lukes Hospital. Yeah right! I had a roomie but was still so drugged for about 3 hours that I do not remember them. They were discharged before I gained control of my mind.
-OUCH OUCH OUCH I felt like crap! I could not move, I could not change position, everything in me hurt and they just kept telling me that I needed to walk. Are you kidding me!!!!!!!!! I have 5 fresh holes in my stomach and cannot see straight and you want me to walk...so I did....lol.
-The first nights sleep was horrible! I could not get comfortable, there was nothing on TV, and I just felt like completel crap! Finally a nurse came in at 11pm and told me that I had not had anything for pain since 5pm, so she dosed me up and I finally got 2 hours of rest. I woke up almost every two hours...had tow ait another hour for my drug and then fell back asleep.
-Walked, Walked and Walked. I walked the hallways of that hospital over and over and over. The last thing I want is a blood clot, hello! Oh yeah they also have these pressure cuffs you have to wear on your feet. They wrap around each foot and give out tight squeezes to each foot to keep the blood moving while you are in bed. The nurse forgot to turn mine on right out of surgery for 2 hours, nice isnt it? Then my machine broke. I called the nurse to let her know and she said she had to order one from down stairs. Well an hour passed and I still had no cuffs so I called her in. This nurse had the nerve to say, "What do you want?" I was astounded that she would talk to me that way. LIke I am some nuisance and have been calling all night. I only called twice. What a lazy nurse, I wish I would have gotten her name.
-Had my barium swallow...no good! Seems I had some stasis...which means nothing was going into this new stomach, just hanging out in my good old esophogas! Are you kidding me, I wanted to scream! I was then told I may have to stay another night. I lost it...I had such a horrible Monday night that I definately did not want to stay another. Then all of those horrible thoughts came back into my head...something is wrong, I am going to die...lol.
-OK so this is going on way longer than I expected. I got home on Tuesday evening, felt like crap and was upset at myself for doing this surgery, felt like I was mutilated and had made a bad choice, hardly slept a wink all night long, was in horrible pain and all I had was Tylenol w/ codeine-whoppy doo!

-BUT IT IS NOW SUNDAY AND I FEEL SOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER AND AM NOT REGRETTING ANYTHING! IT REALLY WAS THE PAIN TALKING THE NIGHT I GOT HOME. I HAVE DONE VERY WELL WITH MY LIQUIDS AND WALKING OVER 30 MINUTES EVERY DAY. I have been basically drinking Ensure High Protein, chicken broth, jello, pudding, and I made an awesome potato soup tonight that is liquid but is wonderful! IT was easy too, email me for the recipe! I will write again soon! God Bless you all!

November 23, 2004-Oh boy things are sooooo soooo soooo much better now! The pain was really doing all of my past talking..lol. I am so happy to be feeling almost normal again. I can actually get out of bed without doing these unique little rolls that envolve a lot of action with my arms and legs. I can turn over in bed now without having to get on my hands and knees...lol. I am not as tired as I was either. The first week I felt like I kept sleeping and sleeping and now I am actually doing things. My laundry is all caught up, the dishes are done and I even made a shopping trip to Old navy...haha. I go back to work on Monday and I am sure it will be tough to get back into the routine. I live very close to work so I have been there to "visit" 4 times since my surgery. I have been walking a lot! For some reason I think it is just so serene. It is getting a bit chilly but I enjoy the walk alone. I get to clear my head and dream. I am so excited to see what this surgery will allow my body to do. I have read about people who cheat right away and find ways around doing what is right. I have just done too much and have went through to much not to do well...God has given me another change. Not only have I not eaten anything solid in 14 days, I quit smoking (9 days now) and I have not had one touch of coffee. I feel so much more clean. Smoking is a horrible dirty habit but it still did not stop me...lol. I have been smoking for 8 years and cannot believe I am quitting cold turkey. I am just thrilled! This liquid diet stuff is getting old...I am ready for some consistancy but refuse to break the rules! I have my first surgeon follow up tomorrow and am interested to see if I have lost. According to my scale its around 10 pounds now. I also am wondering if these steri-strips will be coming off and if the wounds under neath will look good or bad. I will update again soon!

November 29, 2004- Ok so as far as the refuses to break the rules, I stretched that a bit. I decided to start my puree diet a couple days early. Everyone keeps telling me that I am completely bonkers for deciding to have this surgery during the Holidays. As far as I am concerned that is 10 less pounds that I need to lose. I am now eating baby food. Do not ever try the vanilla custard, yuck! So far I really like the peach cobbler with pureed cottage cheese and the dutch apple dessert. I do feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am feeling better every single day and I have lost 11 pound since the surgery. I feel better, period! I also have been getting up and exercising every morning. My Doc says to get up every morning and do at least 30 minutes of heart beating, sweating cardio and I will be on my way. It is a good way to get your metabolism started for the day. I will keep you posted. I am working on getting a picture for this site so you can all see who you are reading about.

December 15, 2004- Well its been one month and I am officially down 21 pounds. For some reason I feel like I should have lost more. Is it because I have been eating soft foods a bit early? Is it because I am not working out enough? Then I have to take a step back and think..."When would I have lost 20 pounds in one month before?" That is an average of 5 pounds a week which is great! The doctor did tell me it would start to slow down so I need to realize its not going to happen over night. I had my first support group last night which was nice. The dietician talked about portion sizes and had many examples! You would not believe what we eat as apposed to what size we should. Did you know one serving of a baked potato is 1/5 the size of what the restaurants serve us? Nuts. Until next time!

January 15, 2005- OK well its been officially 2 months. I am down 27 pounds total and still am feeling a bit discouraged. I met with my Dr. last week and he said that I am doing exceptionally well. So of course its reassuring to hear this. I go for my first fill on January 31st. I am excited. I also got asked out on two dates this week! Hello I am soooo thrilled. I do not think it is because of the weight loss, I think I am just showing a more positive me! I love it! Stay tuned....

May 17, 2006- WOW has it been a long time since I have visited this website. For some strange reason I was sitting at my desk thinking of the old days and found this site. It has been 1.5 years since my surgery. I am doing well! I am not to where I had expected to be but none the less I am happy. I went from 251 pounds to 182 and maintaning. The lowest weight range I hit was 177 but cannot seem to get back to that point....I however have been a big huge slacker!I do not exercise and I do not eat right all the time, though most of the time I do very well. Its odd with lap band- some days are great some are not. Some days I can hardly get my coffee to go down in the mornign while other days I can eat 3 things from Taco Bell, why and how does this happen? Anyhow life is good, I am wearing a size 14 and on a good day and get my booty into a size 12. I feel like a new person! I feel alive again. I have a boyfriend who I met when I weighted 215! We are still together. The road with him has been rocky but its so wonderful to feel loved for me...all of me. Until next time.........

Steve and I watched a movie at his house last night! It was so damn relaxing! We snuggled on the couch with the fan blowing gently on us and I swear I could have fallen asleep right in his arms. It was a great movie and he is a soft touchy feely type of a man and I LOVE IT! He was always rubbing my arm, leg or hair- NICE! He of course sits higher than I do and kept kissing my head! Than he had to go to work...boo hoo!
So I am going to try to just relax and let things go at there normal pace. 

I should have some good stories on Monday. Saturday night we are going to a Toledo Mud Hens game with my sister and her husband. I will probably drink too much beer and make a fool of myself because my twin sis and I rarely get to spend weekend nights out together, therefore when we do...well needless to say we have FUN! 

Stay tuned.......and SPECIAL THANKS to everyone who dropped me some advice yesterday..it was needed!