Kelle F.

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In Memory of my dear friend Corbet.

Please say a prayer for the family and friends of Corbet Shank. Corbet passed away last night less than a week after having a Laparoscopic Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass surgery. All I know at this point is that he got out of bed to go to the restroom and collapsed. He was awake and apparently talking with the paramedics when he left home and passed away shortly after.

I know this surgery is a risk for anyone, as is any surgery, but I never even considered this a possibility for Corbet. He was the most fit big person I've ever known. He religiously walked, and a lot, everyday at lunch and has been going to the gym regularly in preparation for this surgery. He had no blood pressure or diabetes problems; he was in much better shape going into surgery than I was. I can’t remember how old he was but he was young…in his 30s.

I believe in my heart that God has a plan for all of us and Corbet, with his kind heart must have completed the work he had for him and I imagine him in heaven running and hiking and dancing. He was pretty active and never let his weight slow him down on earth so I can only imagine what great things are in store for him now that the bonds of this earth can no longer hold him.

His brother Dan could use any prayers that can come his way. In the last several years he has lost his father, mother and now his only brother Corbet. I pray that God's grace carry him through this hard time.

Good Evening folks,
Wow...where to begin this month. Let's see. I've been hanging around the same weight for a while now and trying not to get too discouraged. Truth is, I've been making some less than great food choices and I know that is contributing to the problem. In fact, it's official. I'm not dumping on sugar. Last week when I was in two days of training at work, I had muffins and cookies. In fact, one afternoon, I ate two cookies. I didn't dump but boy did I feel tired and just yucky. I had forgotten what that feeling is like but I think I used to live in that place all the time before surgery.

I wish I could say that yucky feeling will be enough to keep me away from sugar but I'm afraid. It's an addiction and I was counting on the fact that the surgery would force some behavior modification. Nooooo, God has another plan for me and I guess it's to actually deal with this after all.

I started seeing a therapist last week so I hope that will be a step in the right direction. I still want to lose another 120 or so pounds and don't want to stall here. I will take all the prayers I can get while I try to deal with this problem.

I'm also very aware of feeling angry almost all of the time. It is mostly in regards to work. I think I used to deal with frustration and anger by eating the wrong things and now, at least until last week, I just feel angry all the time. Now that I've discovered sugar again, I wonder if I'll choose sweets over feeling angry. Anyway, I think I've also started menopause so let's add that rollercoaster to the amusement park that is my life right now.

I still believe that the good Lord set me on this path just over a year ago for a reason and I'm not going to give up on it yet! At least if I keep telling myself this I'll begin to believe it.

Meanwhile, I've learned to create some simple jewelry and I am learning to knit. No kidding. As crafty as I love to be, I've never learned how to knit and I'm loving it so far. It's addicting. Maybe if I can stay addicted to knitting it will take over the sugar addiction? Yeah, right! Well, one can always hope. : ) 

Good Morning!

My head has been spinning for the last week since my big anniversary. Wondering where I will be a year from now. The weight loss has slowed considerably...which was to be expected but it seems to be throwing me for a bit of a loop. I'm going to make an appointment with a therapist. One who had the surgery herself and will begin to really deal with the underlying issues that contributed to my weight gain to begin with.

I've become increasingly aware of "anger" being a main source of emotional eating for me. I realized this during some soul searching several years ago during some intense introspection. I probably ate over anger more than any other emotion. So why is this important now? As you might guess...I've found myself wanting to eat over anger. In fact, I've found myself feeling a lot of anger these days. Mostly regarding work. Come to think of it...only about work. It's too much to get into but to top it all off I didn't get a job I had applied for and really really wanted. I don't want to feel as angry as I have been all the time. I don't want to be that person. Thus my feeling the need to get into the therapist. 

I'm also wondering if being "peri-menopausal" is contributing to these overwhelming feels of anger. I am almost 46 and I've read and heard the best indicator of when you may begin menopause is based on when your mother did. My mother went into menopause early...young I mean. I remember when Mom and Dad sat us down (me and my sisters) to tell us she was starting "the change" and we needed to be extra sensitive and patient with her because her emotions were going to be a mess.  Boy do I miss her these days.

Now I don't want to sound all negative...this is just normal "life" stuff. I'm 221 lbs lighter than I was a year ago, healthier, more energetic, and so much more and I am grateful and blessed. I just want to keep my eye on the prize and keep losing. I read some notes from the Obesity Help Conference I went to last year and Dr. Strickland said that 50% of all weight loss patients gain back 50% of their weight. I don't want to be that person so it's back to the fitness center for me this week. I was diagnosed with an ulcer a couple weeks back and kind of used that as an excuse to not exercise. Stupid I know but I need to get back to it to bump my metabolism up and hopefully burn off some of this anger.

I have two more days of my current class at the University of Phoenix , Human Motivation, and my next one is World Religions. I'm really looking forward to it.  I'm frustrated about school too. Not that I don't love it, I do, but I have to cancel my Creative Writing class later this year because my Stafford Loan money will be gone and Tuition Reimbursement done for the year and without getting this new job, don't have a way to come up with the $2,000 tuition needed for me to finish out my current schedule for this year. ARGH! I wish school was cheaper. Oh well...at least I'm fortunate enough to be able to be in school at all. I really am loving it.

So much going on right now, but this is enough for now. Thank you again to all of my family and friends for being so supportive and understanding during this rollercoaster that is my life right now.
Kelle

I have a lot to share with you this weekend, don't have time right now but wanted to acknowledge that one year ago today, I was being prepped for surgery right now. I knew the weight loss was predicted...I hoped the surgery would be a success, I prayed I wouldn't have any life threatening complications BUT I couldn't fathom that I would actually, in reality, be 221 lbs lighter one year later. 

The weight loss has slowed a bit the last couple months but I'm still going downward!  221 lbs in a year!

I knew it happened but honestly couldn't imagine it. So much has changed in a year and I'm actually working on a list right now of all those things.

I'm a little scared that this is it. That I may not lose anymore...which is silly I know, but I'm still a little scared. I'm a little scared that I'm at a point where I could easily start gaining some back. Many people do.

But if I never lose another pound my life is so much richer and blessed over 200 lbs lighter that I would not regret having the surgery one bit. But I'm not going to settle. I'm going to keep losing!!!!

It will be an adventure seeing what the next year brings and I look forward to sharing it with all of you.

I also want to take a moment to thank every single person who supported me in this journey. Family, friends, coworkers, new OH friends, the list is far too long but I honestly have been blessed with an incredible support system.

Okay, gotta go, really....I'll post some more soon.
Thank you all!
Kelle

I've had one of those days today where I don't feel real well and I've dealt with it by eating. I wanted to take a nap but brought some work home this weekend and also had some school work to do. So I was sleepy and fighting to keep my eyes open and so I grabbed something to eat.  Nothing huge, just some snacky stuff but then a while later more snacking.

I don't think I'll eat dinner but feel kind of yucky about the "grazing" I did today.  Oh well, I will just do better tomorrow, right?

Put a new picture up for July but don't like it much. I may take another one later this week for my photo album.
Talk to ya'll soon,
Kelle

Just wanted to say that I started at the health and fitness center yesterday at work.  What a God sent that will be.  Kate, the manager, spent over an hour with me walking through strength and weight exercises specifically for me then I walked on the treadmill.  I figured that I would be happy with 10 minutes but I ended up walking 16 minutes!  It sure doesn't sound like a lot but based on the fact that less than a year ago I couldn't walk five minutes and couldn't walk from my family room to the bathroom without gasping for breath...I'm pretty tickled with 16 minutes!

My goal is to do either strength training and/or aerobic at least three times a week but I would like to shoot for five.  I was pretty sore last night and my knees hurt but Kate says that will get  better when I strengthen the muscles around them.

She also told me something that I wanted to share.  Strengthening expercises actually boost your metabolism more than aerobic exercises.  Not that one is good without the other but I was always under the impression that unless you were aerobic you were not burning fat.  I was wrong thank goodness.

Good evening!
There's so much going on and I apologize for not posting as much as many of you would like.  I've said it before but as much as I love going back to school it is a huge lifestyle adjustment.  I can't remember the last time I scrapbooked a page or written something other than a paper or a DQ (discussion question at school).  In fact, since school is online most of it's writing and that's a great thing for me because I love it; however, it leaves little energy for leisure writing.

Anyway, so much to catch up on.  Tomorrow morning at 6:30 a.m. I have an appointment with Kate, the manager of the fitness center at work.  It will be my first time to have structured exercise in a very long time.  I'm a little nervous about sharing the gravity stricken parts of my body with folks at work.  

My new Lymphedema support hose are pretty much a lower body girdle. They hold all things firm but wow are they thick!  And hot!  But again, I like the holding power.  In fact, I keep asking Dad if he can make upper arm girdles for me.  I have always been heavy in my arms but now they are very much like broken wings.  They just flap in the breeze. : )  In regards to the support hose...they are pretty much a $700 torture device.  

Picture this...or maybe you shouldn't...
Scott has to sit on the ground next to the bed at my feet.  The hose first go over my toes.  Sounds easy, hugh?  NOT!  This in itself is tough. Then the heals.  At that point he applies the body glue from my ankle to my knee in two or three strips then down the sides as well.  From here we pull the hose up to my knees.  This is no easy feat.  Imagine putting a seven year olds tights on you and you might get an idea.  Working all the extra fabric (imagine the thickness of long underwear....no kidding) up to the knees.  It wants to gather around my ankle so we try to pull it up tight there or it gets pretty sore by the end of the day.  Scott thinks he has a good technique in this area.  It's called the pinch.  He pinches a bit of the fabric because it's so tight you can't just grab a bunch, and pulls, then pinches a little above that and pulls, then pinch and pull...but the problem is sometimes skin comes with it.  Oh my goodness, talk about hurt!  Did your mom ever do the itsy bitsy tiny piece of skin pinch in church or something when you were misbehavin' and she couldn't yell at you?  I know my sisters remember "the pinch."  Scott must have learned this secretly from my Mom because he has it down cold.

Once they are tight up to my knees I have to stand up and turn my butt toward my poor husband who is still on the floor.  He then works the back up while I work the front.  Finally they are up to my waist.  Oh, but it's not over!  It would be fine but the crotch is about two inches lower than it should be.  So he takes his entire arm down the back of my hose... between the hose and my skin, all the way to the knee and then pulls up from the inside.  He does this on each leg in the back and then each leg in the front.  At this point the hose are where they are supposed to be and actually feel good, for about two hours or until I go to the bathroom at work.  Once they come down at all (even just to the top of the thigh), I can't get them back where they belong.  So I go saggy crotch all day from there.  They are tight and very hot but they are a God send.  They keep fluid from building in my legs which is exactly what they are supposed to do.  My hope is that once I get another 100 pounds off I can get into regular, over the special medical counter support hose and I'll be able to dress myself!

Here are a couple other odd things that are happening. First, I shared pictures of myself before surgery with a couple folks who didn't know me before and their reaction is that I don't even look like the same person.  When I was heavier and I showed people my "skinny" pictures from high school people would say the same thing. It doesn't even look like you.  It bothered me then and in reverse it bothers me now.  I know it's meant as a compliment but somehow I don't like the idea that I don't look like myself I guess.  I still feel like myself.  Weird. Maybe it's just one of those things that I'll have to work through.

Also, I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up.  Right now I'm in a business degree program with a focus in Marketing. But I've been rethinking this.  One day I want to go into HR, the next teaching, the next I want to major in Psychology.  Scott teases me that I'm being indecisive, but I honestly think that for the first time in many years I feel like I can do anything.  I'm getting great grades so I'm feeling confident there.  I'm losing weight so I feel that won't hold me back anymore so it's like an entire world has opened up to me at 45 years old.  

In all honesty, if money wasn't an issue, and unfortunately it is, I would go to school full time, get my bachelors, my masters and eventually my doctorate and be a psychologist with a focus on eating disorders and Bariatric recovery.  For the first time I feel like I could do it.  But I have many new doors opening to me so I know that where ever I end up it is where God wants me.  If I'm supposed to be a doctor, we'll win the lottery or something.  But, I think I may have to start playing the lottery first.  Hmmmm.

One thing I know is somehow or another I need to be in a field that deals with people.  Whether it's marketing or management or organizational behavior, I enjoy the people part of studying and working.

Ooohhh, I drove the red Monte Carlo to my Bariatric support group meeting. I could get in and out myself. I could hook the seatbelt, no problem and the seat wasn't pushed all the way back!

I bought two pairs of shoes that were not tennis shoes.  They hurt my feet at the end of the day but they are cool that I can deal with the pain a couple times a week.

My husband keeps calling me cute and telling me how awesome and skinny I look. He's sweet.

I'm into round four of new clothes.  I think I have about five or six outfits now but they all fit and are not falling off my shoulders or down at my waist and I have to thank my father for much of that.  He made a pattern out of a pair of jeans that fit great and has made me some pants.  Black pinstripe pants. I've always wanted black pinstripe pants.  Makes me feel professional and stylish.  He's also made a couple shirts that are "in" and fit great. Thank you Dad!

Another cool thing...I'm applying for a new job at work. It's a step up and a new challenge and I'm super excited.  We'll see if it works out.

So, I'm feeling guilty for not working on my paper about George A. Kelly, existentialist and founder of trait psychology. No, no...don't feel sorry for me, it's not boring, it's fascinating, really.

Thank you for all your continued thoughts and prayers. I'll still take them because I can feel the tug of old behaviors and although expected, it's kind of scary.

Talk to ya'll soon,
Kelle

205 lbs lost in 9 1/2 months!

Hello everyone!  It’s been a busy month and many have put a bug in my ear that they would like to see an update so here it is!  You may regret what you ask for because there’s much to share.

First of all…I’m officially over 200 lbs lost!  I can hardly believe it. People told me this was going to happen but this kind of weight loss has been so elusive my whole life that I just couldn’t truly believe it would really happen.  My BMI (body mass index) started at 85.7 and now I’m so close to 50 I can’t stand it…52.6.  For the first time in a long time I don’t feel like a freak when I go places and feel like a normal everyday overweight person. I don’t get as many snickers and stares and it just feels great.

I do not use a wheelchair at work anymore!  There are days I go home and my knees just ache but when we moved to our new location I didn’t take the electric wheelchair with me.  The push wheelchair is still a great help for shopping.  When Scott and I were recently on vacation in Myrtle Beach if it wasn’t for the push wheelchair we couldn’t have had as much fun shopping because I still can’t walk or stand for long periods.  But I’ve been trying to walk places that I used to use a wheelchair like into restaurants, pharmacies, and the hospital.  I have to go for a sleep study (my sleep apnea has gotten better and my CPAP needs adjusting-yeah) and I decided to walk into the hospital.  It was kind of scary because it’s a very big place; however, I did it.  My knees ached at the end but it was okay because I did it!!!

Speaking of walking, I walked out to the beach and walked a little in the sand. Last year when we went (we go to Myrtle Beach every year around our wedding anniversary) I couldn’t even go on the beach because the year before I thought I was going to have a heart attack just walking five feet in the sand.  I had no trouble this year!  I didn’t even breathe heavy…now I didn’t walk a mile along the beach or anything, just walked five, six feet out and then out to the shoreline to look for shells but progress is progress.

This vacation really did bring some first in a while things…like a bath!  I took the first bath I’ve had in years.  We had a hotel room in Asheville (half way to the beach) that had a Jacuzzi tub and it was heavenly.  I cannot wait to strengthen my legs some more so the getting out process isn’t so hard.  I had to stop on my knees and actually bruised them but it was all worth it.  

One huge challenge was getting in my protein.  I really struggled in a restaurant environment with eating enough.  By the end of the week I realized that since we were in a restaurant, I think I was subconsciously trying to hurry and after a couple bites it was like I couldn’t eat anymore no matter how great it tasted.  Maybe I took too big bites or didn’t chew good enough or just rushed it, I’m not sure but it’s been much better since we’ve been home.

I’ve been crazy with school.  I’ve even questioned whether or not I really want to live like this for the next 2-4 years trying to get my degree.  It’s so time consuming and overwhelming and expensive!  Looks like I’ll have to go into debt around 25K to get my Bachelors and another 25K if I want to get my Masters. That’s school loans after my work tuition reimbursement.  If I knew that a great six figure job was waiting at the end it wouldn’t be so hard to swallow but my goodness.  And I don’t have a lifetime to get there anymore I’m 45 years old.  I’ve been back and forth on this issue but I really do need a degree to get anywhere else in my career.  I’ve looked for scholarships and it’s easy for people to declare how many there are and how many go unused but those are for young folks or people in certain fields or minorities.  For me, I cannot find anything out there to help and I’ve spent hours looking. If anyone has any ideas I would appreciate it greatly!

I officially am out of clothes.  I have two shirts in my closet that are a little too small but everything is too big and I don’t have the ability to go out and buy a new wardrobe.  A great problem to have I admit.  I’m anxious to get to a size I can go into a clothing store like Lane Bryant to try things on before I buy them.  Catalog ordering is challenging because I never know if what I order is going to fit and it’s really expensive.

Let’s see what else.  I rode in the car the other day for 12 hours and my knees did not kill me during the drive. Last year I was hopped up on Motrin during the whole trip because my knees couldn’t take even riding in the car.  Oh, also, I didn’t need a seatbelt extender either!  That’s the first time in many, many years.

I’ve put a new photo up but it’s kind of funny, I have a hard time seeing the weight loss month to month. My father and I talk about it and even though I feel better, my knees are so much better, breathing is much easier, blood work is awesome, and more…I have a tough time seeing it.  This is something called body dismorphic syndrome and it’s not that uncommon, but people don’t understand how I cannot see it.  It would be nice to hear from some of you who have gone through something similar that it will get better someday.

I’m getting loose and saggy skin in areas I never would have thought but I polished my own toenails the other day.  I’ll take that trade off any day of the week!  Oh yes, and my husband is convinced I’ve added 20 years to my life already and says none of the rest of it (saggy loose skin) matters.  I’m so blessed to have him. He has been incredible through this process.  God blessed me with him and a supportive family and friends like no one knows.  I often wonder and hope that my Mother sees what’s happening to me and is proud!

That’s it for now folks. Sorry about the gaps in postings but my new life has me busier than ever!

New 8 month out photo posted!

I can't tell the difference in the last couple of months even though the folks I work with tell me I'm melting some everyday!

I don't have a ton of time tonight with American Idol starting soon.  If you didn't know, I blog on the show for the Dayton Daily News.  I love the show, even this year, and enjoy writing about it.

Big News: I'm walking!  I'm walking all the way out of our building at work and to the parking lot; I'm walking all the way through our new building (the Media Center); I'm walking into stores...not for intense shopping but I'm walking in anyway.  Some days I walk a lot and boy do my knees feel it the next day but it just feels so good to accomplish the walking that the pain is easier to handle...well, most days anyway.

That's a huge new thing!  I am still losing weight, although not as quickly. I'm now down 181 lbs from August 4. Exactly 8 months ago.  I never believed it could happen to me. I hoped. I prayed. But never really believed.

I'm also melting from the top down.  For the first time in my life I'm getting pear shaped.  It's like all the extra skin and fat is settling on my hips and just above my knees.  Oh well, I would rather be a pear at 350 lbs than all over even at 531!  I don't feel like a total freak anymore. Just one of the countless overweight people in society.  I'm getting to be closer to normal every day.

A friend at work shared with me that one of our male coworkers told her that I was looking great and that he always thought that I had a beautiful face.  That's so sweet but it's very hard for me to believe.

I pointed out someone at work that I thought had a kick-butt body and is really pretty and Scott didn't think so...on either part.  He says I'm much prettier than her.  I know it's the stuff husband's are supposed to say but he sounds so believable!  I think he really means it.

I rarely feel depressed anymore...stressed from work, yes...but depressed no.  So those of you just out of surgery or looking forward to it and suffer from depression...first of all, talk to your doctor. Depression is a chemical imbalance that needs to be dealt with. Second, have hope. You can get through it!!  And you will!!!

So much has happened in the last couple of weeks.  Most of probably insignificant to most, but I'll bet some of you understand.  Let’s see where to begin…I had my six month visit with Barix Clinics last week (even though it is actually 7 ½ months) and they were very happy with my weight loss.  The nurse told me I was buying my clothes too big but I told her that when I bought it, it fit.  I don’t really notice when something is getting too large on me, it usually takes someone else making a comment and then I’m like, ohhhhhh.  Okay, I can see that. I just think I’m still more comfortable in bigger clothes. 

Anyway, my blood tests showed a couple things.  
I was low on potassium 
I was low on calcium

Bottom of the normal range for protein…must eat more protein

My thyroid is all wacky now that I’ve lost weight 

So what now?  I take over the counter potassium, they changed my thyroid medicine and the doctor put me on a beta-blocker. I’m still not real sure what that’s for other than a precaution.  But the doc says take it and I’ll take it. 

Doctor Bates also had me walk across the room while she watched.  You have to understand that only recently have I really been able to walk any kind of distance. And I mean distance to me, not distance to the normal person.  Anyway, she told me that I am still walking like I’m 170 lbs heavier.  Not sure how she determined that other than I still waddle.  But I’ve been tasked with joining a gym or something like Curves.  I’ll do one better and even cheaper. When we move to our new building at work there will be a brand new refurbished health club.  It will cost me a whoppin’ $3.50 a week.  I cannot wait.  I am at work every morning at 6:45 a.m. anyway, might as well work on me instead of working on work, right? 

Last week, I wore jeans for the first time in years.  People called me “cute” and “adorable” all day.  One person even said that it was nice to see me in something other than knit.  I know she meant it as a compliment so I decided to take it that way. 

I have now completely recycled my second round of clothes.  They are going in the donate pile or on eBay next weekend.  I love the new clothes I’ve purchased.  I haven’t bought a lot but there is enough to give me an outfit a day for a whole week and a couple bummin’ around weekend outfits. 

I have also made a concerted effort to start going into stores without a wheelchair.  I’ve gone in a grocery store, for just a couple things, a fabric store, a drug store, a restaurant, and I’ve been walking around more at work.  Usually at the end of this small journey’s my knees are killing me, but I’m still trying. 

So I’m one week from being done with my first college class again in years.  I love to learn so in that way I am really enjoying this but it is very, very time consuming.  Lots of late nights and lost sleep but I think I may actually get an “A” in MGT/330.  If I can find a way to pay for this after tuition reimbursement ends (3 classes) than I can get my Bachelors by mid-2009.  That’s a long time of back to back classes and again, I can’t quite figure the money part out.  I can take a $3000 student loan and the $5250 in tuition reimbursement will only pay for ½ the year.  That wouldn’t be a problem except that I don’t want to take 6 years to finish my degree.  Oh well, the Good Lord has always taken care of me before, I can’t worry about this either. If it is in his plan, something will work out. Right?