Kelle F.

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I know it's been several weeks since I've posted.  Life is getting busier and busier, in a good way.

After lots of consideration, I decided to go back to school to get my Bachelors degree in Marketing.  One reason I’ve put it off for so long is that I didn’t want to give up so much time with my hubby.  Being gone a couple nights a week, studying all the other.  No way.  But I decided to go the online route and start back at University of Phoenix online.  I really like the program but it does still suck up a lot of time.  They put what is taught at a college with walls in 12 weeks in a five week class.  So needless to say, I am spending most of my free time either reading, participating in class online or writing.  It’s a very different lifestyle for me.  A lot less TV, which isn’t a bad thing I know. 

I’ve told several people now that I’m enjoying reading the text book.  I don’t ever remember in college years ago enjoying reading a text book but what’s so cool about this is that it was published (the 7^th edition) in January of this year so everything if very relevant.  It talks about companies and things that are happening today.  Not to mention, the class is on management functions and everything I’m reading about applies directly to what we are going through at work right now. Just fascinating. 

Anyway, I’m feeling better lately…a lot less blue.  Just a bit overwhelmed with work and school. After I weighed myself this week I’ve officially now lost 165 lbs.  I can hardly believe it even though it has happened to me.  I have truly under grown most of my clothes and I have had to buy a couple new things.  Whenever I wear something that actually fits people come out of the wood work to tell me how thin I look.  It makes me chuckle because who would have thought anyone could look thin at my current weight. I know it’s in comparison though.  I’ve posted my 7 month picture.  I don’t see a lot of change in the last couple of months but I can finally see the change from the beginning. 

My knees are still hurting a lot so I haven’t been moving around as much as I should. I really do want to change that soon. 

Well, gotta go. I need to finish my paper on NASA and how they manage their innovations.  It’s so cool.  I’m 45 years old and tickled to be writing a paper on NASA.  So cool!

Okay gang.  I usually try to keep things positive but I've really been struggling lately.  My appetite is starting to return (right on time based on what some of you other wonderful post WLS folks have told me).  I have found myself reaching for what “tastes” good instead of what’s good for me.  I’ve also found myself eating or drinking things that are not good for me either.  Like soda.  I love soda.  Always have.  And last week on three occasions I found myself drinking one.  It hurts a little if I take too big a sip but does that stop me?  Nooooooo.  

I was telling my Dad that it’s like when I feel that I need a “treat” I want to grab something that’s bad for me or it doesn’t feel like a treat.  Is that nuts or what?  What scares me is that these behaviors are returning because I’m starting to feel like eating.  And moving around is another thing.  Scott pointed out the other day that I can probably do more than I’m giving myself credit for and I think he’s right.  I’m so quick to jump in my wheelchair at work because I’m still afraid I might get halfway somewhere and can’t make it or will make a fool out of myself with all the breathlessness.   

It’s only been six months and even though my body is close to 150 lbs less, my head has not made that adjustment yet.  I feel better, but I don’t.  Do you understand?  No, I didn’t think so.  Does anyone? 

I also fear that I’m never going to lose another pound and I’ll stay where I am for the rest of my life.  It must sound silly to some, but the fear can be debilitating some times.   

I have so many incredible blessing that I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I do and I want to know how to get past it.  I would love to find a therapist but I would like a Christian therapist that has specialized in post WLS.  Good luck, right?  I haven’t had any yet, but I’ll keep looking. 

It's been six months since my surgery!  I never would have thought that I could lose 145 lbs in 6 months!  I also never thought I would be dealing with a plateau already.  It’s been about a month with very little weight loss, until this morning thank goodness.  Down six pounds.  Finally!  This has been a tough month.  I did remember that everyone at the OH convention told me that when you are not losing pounds you’re losing inches so I took my measurements.  I haven’t been real faithful about measurements but I did take them about a month ago so I could order some clothes from a catalog.  In 3-4 weeks I had lost a couple inches around my hips and waist.  I guess it’s true.  It did help to see those numbers go down.

In another way, January was a huge, huge month.  I finally got my custom made $350+ support hose.  Thank goodness insurance came through and picked up 80% of them.  They have their issues (I’m constantly having to pull them up, it’s so tight around my ankles that I am bruised there, and my knuckles are blistered and bloody from the rough texture of the hose) but it’s still much better than having those layers of cotton and compression bandages wrapped around and around my legs.  I’m sure Scott is happy as well.  He’s the one who was stuck wrapping my legs every morning.

I’m in a strange clothes place.  Most everything I have is considerably too big and the stuff I’ve ordered from a couple catalogs are just too small.  My father is the only reason I have anything at all to wear.  He’s altering shirts with too small arms and pants with too big waists.  Once again, I’ve been blessed in ways I never expected!

 

I'm struggling today.  It's Sunday and it's weigh in day.  You know it's so easy to say that you are not going to be ruled by the scale when you are consistently losing weight.  For the first time since I had surgery, I did not lose any weight this week.  I know all the arguments and justifications as to why, I've used them before, I've shared them with others, but it's tougher when it's you.

Last week I only lost a couple pounds and none this week.  Hard to handle.  Especially when I haven't been eating that much.  In fact, there were several days that I didn't get in my water, protein or enough calories.  I can tell everyone else that if you don't eat enough you are not going to lose weight because your body goes into starvation mode.  I can say it, but do I really believe it?  Apparently not because it's been a couple weeks of eating less than 1,000 calories a day (the doctor and nutritionist want me to eat 1,500 a day), significantly less on some days, and I shouldn't be surprised that I didn't lose, right?  Wrong.  I was surprised.  

The worst part about this is that the old behavior of beating myself up comes back so quickly and easily.  If I was eating right, I think I could just tell myself that it happens.  It happens to everyone and in a couple weeks I'll probably drop a bunch, but I haven't been eating right.  I feel just as guilty that I'm not eating enough as I did when I was overeating.  I was hoping these days were gone...at least for a while.

I've let work throw me off my game.  My weight loss game that is.  I'm not taking the breaks that I need to eat a high protein snack.  I've fallen in to bad behaviors like not eating the lunch I pack and going out to eat.  The problem there is that no matter how good something sounds at a particular restaurant, I start to eat and most days it doesn't settle well and I don't eat more than a couple bites.  I think I've been trying to hard to be "normal."  I'm not normal.  I'll never be normal and I'm never going to be able to eat like my friends.  Boy, that's a hard pill to swallow even though I've had to swallow it before and will have to swallow again I'm sure.

Something else.  I haven't been using the tools at hand.  Last couple of weeks I haven't been tracking my food on my FitDay program.  That keeps track of calories, protein, carbs, fats, etc.  It helps me look at the reality of what I'm eating, or not eating, and I haven't been accountable to myself the last few weeks.  I thought it was okay because I knew I wasn't eating enough, but that's an excuse.  Just like all the excuses not to keep track when I was overeating.

Isn't it funny how you can say things and know things and not actually believe them?  For example...I am going to have to watch everything I put in my mouth for the rest of my life.  I guess I lost close to 150 pounds and decided that I didn't really need to pay attention anymore.  Wrong!  So wrong.  

Why do I have this feeling that this will not be the only time I face this during my weight loss journey?

Happy New Year!
As I sit here updating you on my journey, I have a new member of our family sitting on my lap.  After much back and forth, I've decided to name her Phoebe.  She's a little gray kitty that was wandering downtown Dayton outside our building at work. A coworker was concerned about her and brought her to the back parking lot and put her in our smoking area which is enclosed and away from the busy street.  A dear, dear friend who knew I wanted a kitten informed me of her presence.  

Let me back up a little, my hubby has been concerned that getting a kitten might be rough on our beagle who is old and just diagnosed with Cushing’s disease.  But our dogs are both his babies.  Of course they love me, but when he's here, forget it.  So I need something to love me that and be all sweet and cuddly.  So I wanted a kitten.  But a sweet cat, not one of those aloof snobby cats.

So anyway, my friend and I went down to check her out and there she was on someone’s lap looking all sweet.  Terri, my amazing friend, put her on my lap and she just settled in, didn't try to run away, and was shaking from the cold.  But she stayed.  Sweet, little, gray kitten.  So I was in love.  We brought her in my office and put her in a large box with a blanket (again Terri's).  At first I was going to bring her home and surprise my husband, but decided it was better to speak with him first.  Even though he's been totally against getting a cat, he agreed we needed to rescue her.  I knew he would.  Even though we haven't had a cat before (well for more than a couple months when we were first married) all our pets have been rescued.

We went to the vet today and she's been thoroughly checked out.  Yes, I've been doing the right thing and checking the paper and Humane Society to see if anyone has reported her missing.  Thank goodness so far no one has because I'm already head over heals in love with Izzy.  Only in my wildest dreams did I think I could find such a perfectly sweet, cuddly and lovable kitten.  She's about 6 months old, according to the vet, and right this minute she's cuddled all up on my lap between me and the computer.  Once again, I am perplexed by why the Good Lord is so awesome to me!  Check out her picture in my latest photos.

On a weight loss subject, I reached another milestone.  395 lbs.  Do you know how many years it's been since I've been in the 300's?  

I feel so incredibly blessed this year already.  My father is living 25 minutes away, I’ve continue in my weight loss (down 135 lbs), I’m officially over my Lymphedema treatments and waiting on my custom support stockings, I’ve got the most amazing, caring, generous (with time and care) friends, and I have a sweet little Phoebe laying in my arms sleeping.  Thank you Lord again for blessing me even though I far from deserve it. 

Happy New Year to all!

It's close to the end of the year and what a year it has been.  I would characterize it as a rollercoaster with all the thrills and terrors that go with the ups and downs and twists and turns of those lovely, scary rides.  In fact, riding a rollercoaster is one of those things I have on my “once I get thinner” list.  

Funny, just yesterday my husband asked me if I would do it over again knowing what I know, having gone through what I have gone through and my answer came swift and sure “Absolutely!”  He seemed a little surprised, but not.  

I know I post about my struggles, as most of us do, but really I just feel incredibly blessed.  I also realized the other day that I don’t have a month by month breakdown of my weight loss anywhere on my page so I've now included that near the bottom of the page in the "My Story" section.  I remember how much hope that gave me when I was pre-op.  I would say, “Look at this one honey, they started about where I am and lost this much in six months, or this person lost almost 200 lbs in a year!”  I never really believed it could be me.  But it is me.  I’m almost five months out and down 127 lbs.  Unbelievable. 

Something else I was talking with my family about over Christmas is that my head has not yet caught up to that weight loss.  I know that I am smaller because my clothes are all too big and I can fasten the seat belts in both our cars and other cool stuff and I can see my photos every month and see a change but when someone mentions to me that I look a lot smaller or that I’m melting, I just don’t get it. 

I do wonder if I should seek out a shrink.  I have a lifetime of behaviors and habits that need to be dealt with.  Self awareness is a great thing and I’m lucky to have it, but I’ve been self aware about my eating problems my whole life and it didn’t change anything permanently.  I know the surgery is a tool only and being self aware may not be enough.  

I have to say once again, I don’t know what I would have done, how I could have made it this far without the support and friendship of this community of people.  Obesity Help has been a true blessing from God for me.  Thank you to everyone who visits, who reads, and those who post their own stories and respond to mine.   God Bless you all. 

One more thing…in a couple days I’ll have some Christmas pics to post.  They will be nothing more than photos of my adorable nieces and my family at Christmas because we had such a wonderful holiday.  Hopefully my family members who read my blogs will appreciate them. 

Happy New Year everyone! 

Another Wow, wow, wow moment.  I told a story a while ago about how I had purchased a ring prior to having surgery.  I was a completely frivolous purchase just because I fell in love with it.  They didn’t have it in my size, but I figured how cool would it be to start with it on my pinkie and move it over as I lose weight until it just doesn’t fit anymore and then I could get it sized.  Because it was going to represent transformation and because of what it looked like, I called it my Cinderella ring. It’s all girly and the color reminds me of Cinderella’s dress.  Well, I’ve been trying my Cinderella ring on ever since I had surgery about 4 ½ months ago.  I thought I would wear it on my pinkie finger but it looked silly so I’ve been waiting, and waiting, and trying it on, and waiting some more until it fit. 

Well, you’ve probably already figured out that it fits!  I tried it on Tuesday morning, on my 45^th birthday in fact, and what a great birthday present.  It took 118 lbs, but it finally fits and it’s gorgeous.  I also went red again on Tuesday.  I was getting bored with the dirty dishwater with highlights, which is great sometimes, but I needed to go red again.  They got a new brand of color and the red took to my highlights pretty bright.  Brighter than the old red I used to use.  People either love it or hate it.  The jury is out with me but my husband said he likes my hair all different funky colors.  Thanks dear! 

People are really starting to notice the weight loss too.  Folks at work that I only see rarely see me and stop and rant and rave and even people in my own department have been stopping by and telling me how much smaller I look.  I’m still struggling with accepting the compliments and seeing it for myself but it is nice.  I love the validation. 

l should probably go since I’m at work.  But I was so sick of staring at my computer screen this afternoon that I was going to fall asleep and talking to ya’ll just perked me right up!

I posted my four months after surgery picture today.  It was a good idea to take pictures every month or I don't think I would ever be able to see the weight loss myself.  I just don't see it in the mirror!  I have a hard time telling from month to month but if I look back at the first photo which was a couple months before surgery, I can see.

Anyway, I'm having a bit of a morning.  My mother loved Christmas.  The decorating, the shopping, the giving, the singing...and I wonder where I get it!  I sat in my office this morning listening to Christmas music after coming to work in a cold, blowy, snow storm and I just ache for her.  There are lots of people who love Christmas, fewer people who really "feel" it and my Mom was one of those.  Someone who wouldn't mock you for playing nothing but Christmas music after Thanksgiving or understand the need to get the decorations up as soon as possible.  What is tough is not being able to tell her face to face that I love that about her.  I love that she always "got" me.  Even though I feel her presence in everything Christmas, I would love nothing more than to drive around looking at Christmas lights, or shopping in a busy mall, or harmonizing to our favorite carols.

But then I have to remind myself that she's spending Christmas with Jesus.  Talk about celebrations!  Can you imagine the party they have in heaven to celebrate his birth?  I know it's probably not the same day we celebrate, maybe not even in December, but even so.

And even though listening to my Christmas music makes me miss her more I will not turn it off and forget.  I love that I remember!  I may shed a few tears and feel blue for a bit, but these are precious memories and precious moments that I thank God for!

I figured if I could share these feelings anywhere, it would be here, with you!

So it’s 7:00 a.m. and I’m waiting to go to physical therapy.  Today is the first day that I didn’t have a 7:30 a.m. appointment.  Can you believe someone else had the audacity to take my time today?  So I’m going at 8:30 a.m. instead and I couldn’t just sleep an extra hour because Scott has to wrap my legs before he goes to work.  It’s actually become a fun time of day.  Lots of kidding and teasing of each other.  Well, as long as we’ve both gotten enough sleep. ; )

Today I go into phase two of my Lymphedema treatment.  I will get my legs wrapped up beyond my knees.  All the way up from what I understand.  This should be interesting.  Especially because I have a work function to attend this evening for work that will probably go until around 11:00 p.m.  Long day any way you cut it, but I’m curious to see if the compression stockings will stay up all day.  Should be interesting.

Work is horrible right now.  I hate to complain because I truly feel blessed to have a job.  And one that I love!  The problem is all the positioning and power struggles.  Corporate politics suck.  

On a more pleasant topic.  I have almost all my Christmas shopping done.  I love catalogs and online shopping.  Although next year, I hope to be able to walk the mall from one end to the other and shop until I drop.  Then I have a choice.  I can choose to shop at home if I want, but I won’t have to.  Right?  In fact, my best friend Nancy and I are planning one heck of a trip to the Mall of America once I can fit in an airplane seat and also stay on my feet that long.  I should probably start a savings fund for that weekend right now!

So I survived my first Thanksgiving.  It was the days all around it that I struggled.  This week has been horrible when it comes to food and water.  Because we launched a new website Tuesday evening, I worked almost 24 hours straight.  I'm not complaining.  This kind of thing only happens once every couple years, but it really threw me off my routine.  I didn't get enough water or protein that day, or evening, or the next day, then came Thanksgiving.  

I think I was the only one in my family that wasn't miserable from over stuffing themselves.  Dad said he should have taken a picture of my plate.  Actually, I should have.  It was comical compared to everyone else’s.  I had around two, two and a half ounces of white turkey meat. 
And a small spoonful of a bunch of other stuff.  Well, that's what I put on my plate.  I didn't eat it all, but had a bite of a couple things I hadn't had in a while.  Mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, corn, dressing, and I think that's about it.  I didn't try the fruit salad because their was marshmallows and cool whip.  I didn't  have sweet potatoes because of the brown sugar infused in the can even before they are baked.  I think the sweet potatoes were the only thing I really missed.  That and rolls.  I didn't want to occupy any space in my tummy with white bread.  

Then dessert.  I brought a sugar free cheesecake.  It kind of sucked so I had a couple bites and stopped.

I go through the menu not because most who read this will be interested, but maybe a couple folks trying to decide whether or not to have the surgery will see that it's not so awful.  I had a bit of almost everything everyone else had.

But the days surrounding it saw a lack of routine and also a lack of commitment to my protein and water intake.   Also, a little too many fats and carbs.  I feel horrible about it.  Scott, my hubby, says that everyone has a week like that at the holidays and not to beat myself up.  Just get right back to the straight and narrow.  I guess he's right.  I've had so many years of the all or nothing thinking that this week probably would have been the start to falling off a diet.  But I cannot this time!  I have this great tool that helped me not eat too badly, but I still have to eat healthy and watch that I'm eating protein above other unhealthy stuff.

A friend took me and another friend out for our birthdays last night.  We went to the Japanese restaurant Benihana's and then to the Aronauff Center in Cincinnati to see an off-broadway production of "The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee."  It was a great night and a charming musical.  Japanese food was good and easy to order things I could eat.  I even had a shrimp!  I don't like seafood, but I thought I would try.  Yeah, I still don't like seafood.  But the chicken was fabulous.  The fried rice looked incredible but I didn't even dare try it.  Oh yeah, me with chopsticks?  A disaster.  I would surely starve if I had to use them to eat every night.  Of course, the show at the table/hibachi was amazing.  Utensils flying, food cooking, smells wafting.  What a treat.  Then, as a surprise at the theatre, my friend brought sugar-free chocolate covered raisons.  Yummy and I didn't feel left out when they were eating chocolate covered pretzels.  I have such amazing supportive friends.