2 Mos Post-Up

Nov 23, 2009

I stepped on the scale today to be pleasantly surprised.  I now weigh 298lbs!  I cannot even imagine when the last time I weighed that.  I am so thankful to be under 300lbs.  I still wear the same sizes like a 30-32 or a 4x; however, I lost a pair of jeans because they were bigger on me to begin with.  So all in all, I am down 69lbs from when my journey took place in January.  This means I am one lb shy of 50lbs in two monthes.  This is another wow moment for me.  I have not worked out in a week because I am sick.  I have a sinus infection and I feel it turned into something in the chest.  When I went to drs to get antibiotics, he told me my bloop pressure was 110/80.  I was surprised.  I think it was that low when I was sedated for my carpel tunnel surgeries.  My usual was always 140's/90's.  Anyway, I hope to get back to the gym this week, maybe before Thanksgiving.  I had people tell me they can notice a difference in me especially in the face and the butt.  I feel weirded out that people are looking at my rear.  I rather the weight comes off my breast and belly first but I think it is coming off all over.  I look at myself everyday and I don't notice much of a change.  I see that my double chin is almost gone and the numbers on the scale but I don't really see the changes.  I know that sounds weird but I am not sure what to expect or maybe I can't accept I am becoming someone new.  It is almost frightening.  I hope to discover myself as more weight comes off; it just is hard knowing that you were overweight since 5 yrs old.  Mom used to tell me that the drs got worried that I wasn't eating and I was too skinny before the age of 5.  What were they thinking?  What! They give me a little food and then I couldn't stop. It is like a pringles commercial I think.  Or I could blame my mom for eating 2lbs of m&ms a day when she was pregnant with me.  That wouldn't work because only I control what I put in my mouth and how much.  I never knew how much of an emotional eater I really am tell I had the RNY done.  It really is a different lifestyle.

As far as my marriage goes, things are still bad.  In fact, last night I asked for a divorce.  I had come home from the hospital visiting me grandmother and my hubby was upstairs shaving.  He was having an intense conversation with himself.  I decided to go upstairs to listen in.  He was mocking me, calling me lots of swear words, and saying I was a useless, fat, and lazy person who just sits at home all day and doesn't have a job and if I wanted a divorce I knew where the courthouse is and how much he doesn't love me.  After my hubby came downstairs, I confronted him about it.  He said he was just angry and caught up in the moment and none of it was true.  I say he is lying. Why would he lie to himself in the mirror and thought I was not even home.  Anyway, I told him I wanted a divorce.  He said he couldn't live without me because he is afraid of being alone.  I asked him what he wanted from me and he said to help out around the house.  He thinks I don't do anything at home like taking care of the kids, homework, errands, cooking, shopping, taking care of bills, and some cleaning is nothing.  Then I told him the root of our problem was the whole kid thing.  If he would have been honest to me in the beginning, we may not have a problem or got married.  He said that he was thinking the other day and he was considering another child.  I say, "HORSE CRAP."  He has been saying since Ally was conceived how he didn't want any more kids.  I think this is just a way for him to hold on to me.  I feel bad though.  I could be a better wife by being Betty Crocker but I try to explain to him that being heavy and having my medical problems really puts a toll on your body.  I told him it will get better or I hope it does.  He has never been fat or have medical problems.  The kids always called him bean pole.  He was too fricking skinny.  I wish that was a case for me.  Anyway, I am so confused.  I love him with all my heart.  I want to grow old with him, have more kids, and a house with him but I just don't see it.  I can't throw away a lifelong dream of having a big family (wanted 6 kids but maybe only 4 would be ok).  I hope that is being too selfish.  I have been open and honest with him since the first day.  We still have other issues but boy there is still no making love.  I feel like a virgin again.  I also am serious about divorce.  If I had a place, I could take the kids, I would.  I know it would be so hard and I probably will be sad for along time but it may be for the better.  I don't know what would become of him.  He doesn't earn alot of money and to pay child support and live off of that income would probably not work for him.  We are poor now living in one household.  The housing list has a wait list over a year long and the jobs are none around here.  I am thinking I will have to wait til Spring if I wanted to do something about it since that is when we usually have more money.   I am a fighter and want to make it work.  Heck, I just don't know.  It would be easier if we could just agree on things, make up, and go on are merry way but it may not be like that at all.

I also have an issue with my mother.  We are barely speaking as of now.  I seem like I am never good enough for her.  I am always making some mistake or not respecting her enough in her eyes.  When is enough, ENOUGH.  I love, respect, and would do anything for her so I don't understand.  She says I just get defensive and I don't know how to stick up for myself.  Gee, it comes from a mentally and verbally abusive father and all the teasing I got in school for being overweight.  My mom was also my best friend.  I could cry on her shoulders and she would try to take the pain away.  But now that she has been with Jon, she has changed.  She seems to push a lot of people away to only say that she is living the happy life she always wanted.  I am truly happy for her.  She was a victim of my father for many years and had a horrible childhood life; I am glad now is the time of her life.  I just don't understand why she wouldn't stop anything to help her kids or why she can't try harder to establish and maintain the relationship.  I am not perfect and I know I make many mistakes but I am the one who is trying to make up with her.  I am the one who gets lectured and gets a mental beat down on how wrong I was and I better change from this day forward.  I better become "the person" she wants me to be.  I am so tired, so, so tired of all the fighting and swallowing what I want to say to my mother and I know if I say them, our relationship will be over possibly forever.  She simply thinks she is never wrong so I know it will destroy our relationship.  I want to tell her that she sucks at being a grandmother.  She lives 2 minutes away from us and maybe comes over once a year to see the girls.  I always have to go over there with them.  She never just calls to see how they are doing, or if she can pick them up to get ice cream or to have a sleepover with them.  Never..she doesn't try.  When I asked in the past if she could watch the girls for something important, there was always an excuse.  There was always she is too young, or I am too tired, too sick, or too busy.  Anyways, I always have to call her.  Why can't she call me and ask me how I am doing?  Why can't she just be there for me especially in a time like this?  I am trying really hard to improve myself by getting healthier but in the same time, I feel like there isn't support from anyone close to me.  Why can't she just be there when I need her and why do we always fight?  Why wasn't she there for my RNY surgery?  The biggest thing that has happened since I gave birth and got married.  I didn't have any of my parents there. I was alone and I hate it.  I hate to be alone.  I just want to move on and have things like they used to be where people didn't hold grudges or are stubborn.  I want to be apart of a happy and loving family.  

Maybe I am asking too much but I need to find some sort of peace in all of this... I can't find myself unless I find solutions in all of my craziness.

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