MelissaM39

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I haven't been on for a long time.  Life just kind of came up out of no where and took my time and energy.  I hit a huge milestone on Saturday.  My goal of 150 lbs.  That has been my goal for 20 years, ever since I went over the 200 mark back when I was younger.  I didn't cry, I didn't jump up and down and scream...I did quietly slide back into bed and whisper to my husband that I did it...I finally made it...150.  He squeezed me tight, told me how much he loves me and how proud he is.  I think dealing with my mom's illness, my son's college and ROTC applications, an incredibly horrible year at work, and building a new house has pretty much stressed those last remaining 7 lbs off of me.  What a great feeling.  Now I can stay this weight forever or I can lose more.  Heck I can even gain a few lbs back and be fine.  This was my goal...I did it.  I love myself inside and out now. 

Just a quick update.  I don't know if I'll ever hit my goal of 150.  I bounced around at 155 for a week or so but now am maintaining at 157 or 158.  Seems to be the weight my body likes.  I continuously excercise and have re-introduced some carbs back into my diet.  That appears to be what works for me, keeping an even distribution of carbs/fat/protein.  Still live with the daily fear that I will wake up fat again.  No one seems to understand that this is a very real fear for me.  They laugh at it like I'm crazy.  I know I can't gain back 120 lbs over night but much like I never really saw the fat person in the mirror, I don't see the skinny one all the time now. 

Enough about downers.  I feel great.  I feel better then ever and will continue on my loss quest but have resigned to the fact that until my plastics, I will be this weight.  I'm thinking about getting a tummy tuck, lipo on my hips and lower back and breast implants.  That will be about another year out.  We need to get our home built first. 

On ward!  Life is good.

So I am a self proclaimed introvert that hangs out alone most of the time due to my working from home and lack of good friends or any friends for that matter, in the direct vicinity of my home.  I have a lot of very lovely on line friends from OH and more specifically the WETEO thread on OH.  I never realized the true value of a close friend until I met these ladies in person last weekend.  I have never had that connection before.  I have had friends but not to the depth of this.  There was a connection that went way beyond the hugs, hellos and how are you's.  These ladies have truly touched my spirit and made me realize a part of my life was void and needed to be filled.  They filled it.  Even the ones that weren't in Vegas but I have met, (Jul and Mike) and the ones yet to be met (Nancy and Tish and many more I'm sure) have become such a part of my life and thoughts.  It just hit me today how much I need their support and how much fun it is to have somebody to call, text or email when I just want to chat.  I feel like a new person.  I can be me and can be loved for just that.  Thank you WETEO's for giving me a sense of deeper fullfilment in life and for giving me the experience of true friendship and acceptance.  Every WETEO that I have either met or have an online friendship with has done wonders for my heart.  I hope to meet more of you all very soon.  Until then, I will share the love through the internet lines of communication!

It's been so long since I've written in my blog.  What a difference a year makes.  While not at my 150lb goal I have achieved so much more in the past 12 months.  Being a bit of a hermit, I have put myself out there this year.  Not only forming incredible friendships on line but also meeting people in person.  I have had the privilege of meeting Jul and Mike both from this site face to face.  I will meet many more of my online friends next weekend and I simply can't wait to cement the online bond that we have with the personal touch.  I have learned that I'm worth it.  I have learned that life should be about fun.  No matter what.  Even if I'm working I need to have fun.  My attitude is so important when it comes to my interactions with people.  It's not how I look, or how thin I am.  It's about me.  How I treat the people I meet.  How I carry myself.  How I love or accept every person for who they are and what they choose to do with the precious time they have.  I've learned that I can't change a person but I can choose how I respond and react to them  I can try to infect them with my positive attitude and pray that they find peace in their lives.  I have learned that the power of prayer is a serious thing.  I've been ridiculed for my belief in God and criticized for it.  But in the end, it's my faith that has gotten me through the past 12 months let alone the past 40 years.  In good and in bad, I will perservere with the help of God, family, friends and my spirit. Live, Laugh, Love.

It's been a bit since I've typed much of anything.  For the most part my days are going well.  I have kept up with my going to the gym and have to say that I really enjoy the tone of my body and being able to feel bones again.  There is still a lot of jiggle in my wiggle but most of that is now skin.  I'm checking into plastics now.  I would like to have my skin around my belly removed and also have my boobs re-inflated.  I was wearing my 42D bra and finally went in for a bra fitting.  I'm a 36B...for cripes sake.  I guess it was time to downsize!  It's amazing what a good bra can do for you. 

On the emotional side of things.  I still struggle daily with my Mom and her cancer.  She's heavily medicated and I think starting to show the early signs of dimensia.  Her sister, mother, aunt and grandmother all suffered from Alzheimers and I believe she is in the beginning stages of it on top of her lung and bone cancer.  One day she is very sweet and upbeat and the next she is mean and nasty.  She will write letters to communicate how she feels about you and these letters usually will leave the recipient in tears.  My sister and I have adjusted to this.  We know that she is not right in her head any longer and that the drugs are basically taking away her social filter.  But others in her life don't get it.  I have gotten many letters telling me what a bad parent I am.  Telling me I need to take care of my body and my weight.  Telling me what a failure I was at being a wife the first time around.  You name it, every area of my life has been attacked.  I used to cry and not speak with her for weeks after getting one of the "lovenotes".  Now I just toss it in the trash or fireplace, say a prayer for her suffering and move on.  I know this is very tough on my dad as well.  I see the stress in his face everytime I go there.  I see him trying to help and having her push him away.  What really hit home with me was last month when I went to buy her a birthday card.  I read through all the cards that an adult daughter would give to her mother.  Nothing fit.  I don't have the love and friendship relationship like they show in the commercials.  I don't have the close knit feeling that she is my confidante and I can trust her with anything and I can go to her for support.  I ended up just buying a generic Happy Birthday card and felt guilty.  I feel like I should have those feelings.  But I don't.  I respect her as my mother.  I love her for who she is.  I understand this horrible disease she is going through.  It's just hard to take a seriously deep look at our overall relationship and say it was healthy.  It has never been healthy.  I need to work on accepting it for what it is and getting that fullfillment elsewhere.  Again, I pray everyday for her well being and for my father's strength. 

My marriage is wonderful.  I am truly blessed with having my best friend be my soul mate.  Bob has been the strength in my weary bones every day.  He and my son are what keep me going in this weight loss journey.  Bob and Max have encouraged, supported and loved me through THICK and Thin.  They are my heros and I am grateful that God has blessed me with that support.  Life is good and I will survive the hard stuff in order to reap the rewards of the good. 

Effective immediately, I've earned a "dirty birdie" upgrade and a new classification! Woo hoo!

I finally made it! Yay!

OK, I had an eye opener today.  My son, who has been a skinny bean pole since the day he was born, cleaned out his closet yesterday.  Most of what he got rid of fits me!  If I wanted to dress like a teenage boy I would be all set with a new wardrobe!  I did cop some of his jeans and pajama bottoms.  Some of his golf shirts as well.  So that is pretty cool!  I guess I need to adjust my vision of what is really looking back at me in the mirror. 

 

Well, it's taken me a few days but I want to record that I am officially below my Dr's considered success weight.  They had me targeted for 170 and I am at 169.  I am only 3 lbs away from what my skinny son weighs and never in my life did I think I would weigh less then him.  I am also 3 lbs away from the 100 lb mark.  I can't wait to pass that milestone.  It's been a banner week for me.  Filled with a ton of excercise and self control.  I'm happy with how I look for the first time in a long time and I'm actually looking forward to swimsuit season.  Can you even imagine????? I don't think I'll look like a stuffed sausage this year.  I actually have hip bones!  We are going snowmobiling again this weekend.  It won't be as hardcore as last weekend but hopefully it shows on the scale again.  My goal is 150 by May 13th, my surgiversary.  I just feel so very good today.  Glorious is a word that comes to mind.