Spinning completely out of control! HELP!

Jan 30, 2012

So..I haven't been on here in so long...My life is completely flipped upside down..I don't know where to turn, or what to do.. I was so motivated, and so strong...and then...well, last i really was on here, i lost my sister...who would have thought 6 weeks later (november 20, 2011) I also lost my brother...He was active duty military and was found dead in his barracks...we have no answers, we have no cause...all we know is we got the phone call..and have had military in our lives since...My life is completely a meltdown...so much is going on...I have been diagnosed with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and I'm really f*cked up in the head......I see a psychiatrist this thursday....I have completely loss track of anything i am eating...I eat candy, cookies, pasta, junk food..all of course in smaller amounts but even that is starting to get easier...i just devoured a protein bar, and then a pint of chocolate ice cream... Not only have I been dealing with the losses of my siblings suddenly, and the PTSD that I am experiencing makes me feel like i am losing my mind, but now my fiance is really sick with kidney disease...and just had a shunt put in for dialysis....My daughter is sick with double ear infections...and all i want to do is eat all day long...when i'm not crying, or completely losing my mind with arguing in my head, and having flashes of the nights my siblings died, I am eating... I have gained 6 lbs since the first week of december..and last i checked was almost 2 weeks ago..i might have even gained more..I hate myself,  I hate how weak i have become, I hate how I am falling apart and can't gain control..I hate how i am losing my mind..but most of all, I hate how just this past september, i was strong, sexy, determined woman..I had strentgh and felt strong to finally say that i want to move on with so much major problems being with my daughter's father (myfiance) for 9 years..and having major financial issues with him....now i am weak, frail, and just don't care...All of my life i wanted this motivation..I wanted this strength..and I never thought that after losing a child in 2002, I would ever hurt as much as I did..and i bounced back, did this for myself, and for my daughter...and now, i hurt all over again and I hurt knowing what it feels like to lose a child for my mother who has lost 2 adult children (32 and 31) in just 6 weeks apart...I hurt for my nieces growing up without a mother, and now without an uncle..and for my nephews and niece growing up without a father, and an aunt...6 children without one of their parents all under the age of 15..and my youngest niece is 18 months old.....i am hurting so much and i can't be strong anymore......and that vicious cycle of eating because i am depressed, and depressed because i am eating is back..and i can't control it... I just don't know what to do...and now my daughte's father is sicker..and that is just one more problem on my plate...i fear he will die on me too..EVery which way i turn in my life is stress, problems, and issues..and my beautiful daughter is such an angel, she is my sunshine in the middle of this, but i see her at most 2 hours a day because i work fulltime...and when i do see her, i am crying, or freaking out...and she sees my like this...like i am some type of monster...they say god doesn't give you too much to handle..well, i am way past that point..i can't do this anymore...I want myself back...and sadly, i only had it for a few months after surgery..i havent even made it to a year yet...and look at me...i'm losing this battle....and not losing the weight..I am still down about 100lbs... but i'm gaining...I don't know what else to say...

1 Comment