MelRose
July 19, 2006
What a difference a drug makes. Or rather, the lack of one. Starting the night of that last entry, I stopped taking the new injectable I'd been taking for the past 2.5 weeks. Within 3 days I was much more coherent, and within a week I was pretty much back to normal. My docs tell me that i was just having a typical MS exacerbation...the fact that it
started the same day that i started the drug therapy was just a coincidence. But, all I can do right now is listen to my body, you know? I may not totally trust the logic of my convoluted brain for various reasons, but I CAN listen to what my body is telling me, and what it was SCREAMING at me was "QUIT POISONING ME!" So I did. I am. I shall.
I'm becoming less and less enthused about the western medicine tendencies of treating the symptoms as opposed to focusing on increasing overall health and preventing a diseased state to begin with. Granted, one of these western tendencies helped me to achieve an overall loss thus far of 107 lbs, which has absolutely aided my health. Don't get me
wrong...i needed the tool and added impetus of an invasive procedure to get me back on the path to health. But that's just a step in the process. I hear so many people talking about how their new tiny stomach will be THE answer. As if it, alone, is the cure to all of their ills. Guess what, folks? It ain't. *YOU* are. Yes, you can not eat anywhere near the volume that you did before, and that helps *immensely*. But the choices of what to put into your body and what to commit to your own health are still just that: CHOICES. Poisoning your body with overly processed convenience foods is still a bad idea even if you're eating less of it. And creating toxicity in your body by popping pills or shooting up at every chance is most likely creating more troubles than it's helping. The cure is more often worse than the disease.
This is why I'm now on a campaign to detox my body as much as possible. I'm stopping the MS drug cycle and never intend to go on steroids again unless there is absolutely no other choice. I'm getting off of estrogen-based birth control. I'm slowly weaning myself off of sleep medication which I've been using with increasing frequency for nearly 2 years. And I've started seeing a Traditional Chinese Medicine doctor with the intention of increasing my overall health and getting my innately unhealthy body back into balance through acupuncture and herbal therapy. You know what the TCM doc told me before I even MENTIONED the WLS or the massive weight loss? He said that the problems I'm having neurologically all stem from a disturbance in the digestive system...specifically my stomach and spleen. How's THAT for a delicious irony??
I don't know yet if this will work for me, and I can't say that I (from my limited western perspective of medicinal practice) understand the theory behind it. And I do feel that there are particular things that TCM isn't prepared to handle as well as western medicine (ie- acute onset problems and trauma that requires immediate intervention.) But what I
do know is that what I've been doing thus far isn't making sense to me on a CELLULAR level. I'm trying like hell to make heads or tails of the messages my body is giving me and listen to my gut reactions, (so to speak!). There's got to be another way. And if I can't find another way here in *Berkeley* of all places, then it can't be found!
So-- on with the quest!
July 3, 2006
This is going to be a long one, so you may want to go grab a drink and settle in for the long haul.
I've always tried to keep a positive attitude. All those years of Teflon coating accumulated during the "I am a happy fat girl, hear me roar" phase and all of the auditioning during my professional music career served me pretty well. I am generally able to not take things too personally...behave (as they say in the 'biz') "As if" and move along. Just like in acting: behave "as if" this is how things were meant to be or
how I wanted to feel and eventually I would believe it and I could make other people believe it, too. As such, most things just don't usually tend to really throw me emotionally, and if they do, I can usually process through it pretty quickly. That is to say, I could put the power of my brain to work and find some way to convince myself that what I thought was more important that what I felt. (Logic overrides
emotion...how very Spock-ian of me.)
And, if absolutely nothing else, I could take heart in the fact that I was strong. I was always the one that opened the jar lids that my roomies couldn't handle. I was the girl in the 10th grade weight lifting rotation in gym class that could bench press at least 2-3 times what the other girls could without even thinking about it. And when it came time to support those high notes and hold a phrase, those inherently
strong core muscles gave me a huge advantage as a singer. SO: a prodigious brain, an innate strength, and a natural voice. Add in the great family and I figured that I could overcome just about anything with that combo...even my fat. And you know? It usually worked.
So what does it say now that my brain-- the one thing I always put so much stock in-- is what is betraying my body and making it weak? How am I supposed to reconcile everything that has happened--and every way I ever learned to cope with the things that actually got past my defenses-- when I have neither the ability to soothe it away intellectually *nor* the capacity to eat it away? I can't convince myself to behave "as if" when my body won't let me forget for a second that it is NOT alright and that all of the innate strength I always took for granted is no longer there... and that it is my BRAIN that is the cause. And my tiny tummy precludes my "console myself with food" impulse, so I can't do that. I no longer even have the ability to sing...I'm woefully out of shape to begin with, but with my muscular control being what is right now, I can't even try to get that shape back. It seems like everything that ever defined me is gone. Even the fat.
I've always been the fat girl. And guess what? I'm not anymore. Perversely, the loss of that persona has left me a bit lost as well. I'm now average in every way that can be seen: Average girl, average weight, average job. I blend in now, and truth be told, I'm not quite accustomed to that kind of anonymity. For better or for worse, something about me always stood out...even if it was just my ass. :)
MS can be an invisible disability, and having an invisible disability is a mixed blessing: no one stares, no one makes snap judgments, but people have a really hard time understanding why you say you can't function or that you feel bad if you look completely normal.
And yet, the one thing my brain won't let me forget is how much better off I am than so many others. I have a tremendous network of loving family and friends. I have the most amazing partner I could ever want in Matthew. I have a decent job that might even become a really good job if I can manage to deal with the achingly slow summer and the fact that I'm by myself in there a lot. I have a lovely house. I have no debt. I have sweet animals that like to snuggle with me. None of that is average...I know an awful lot of people who would love to be that "average". How can I forget all of those advantages and allow myself to wallow in the rest of it? Because that's how it feels if I start to let myself go there...just like food in the "old days": Feast or famine. If I allow myself to feel the sadness, anger and frustration, then I am wallowing. If I act as if nothing is wrong, then I am denying it. There doesn't seem to be any middle ground...it's just a slippery slope on either side and my balance is crappy enough to begin with.
None of us exists in a vacuum. Everything we do has consequences on those around us, and the LAST thing I want to do is negatively impact the lives of those who have been so good to me. I know that I don't want to be around people who are always bitching and whining about how their lot in life sucks, so I sure as hell don't want to be one of those
people. But where is that line? How much acknowledgement can I give these feelings without becoming a person I don't want to be around? Hey-- this is me, here...if I start becoming that person, I have no way of not being around myself! Quite a conundrum.
One week from today, I'll turn 35. This past year has included so many thrilling ups and crushing downs that I find myself wondering what the next one holds in store for me. There's a part of me that just wants everything to mellow out and hold steady for a while. And yet I know
that even though what I'm going through right now sure as hell isn't any fun, I wouldn't give up the amazing ups of this past year for anything. If this is the price that I need to pay for having experienced the surgery and amazing aftermath, the move to Berkeley and our incredible little house, the courage I found in quitting my dead end job and holding out for a new one with so much more potential... then I'll pay it. And I'll try really hard to remember, in the darkest of times, that I'm one of the lucky ones.
June 28, 2006
I know it has been forever and a day, but so much has been happening with my health NON-related to WLS that I just haven't had the time or inclination to post. Alas, I'm not really going to do it now, either, (sorry for the tease!) but I wanted to post a pic I took of myself today at 177 lbs and a size *10* --the smallest I have ever been as an adult!! (If you look closely at the closeup of my face, I also happen to be wearing these amazing new earrings made especially for me by our very own Nanette!) Oh, and by the way, please ignore the rather embarrassing color differential between my chest and my legs. Oy...I need a tan in the worst way...you'd never know that I'm a native Californian!!
May 3, 2006
Spring has finally decided to show its face around here and it's about bloody time! We've finally had some consistent good weather which means I've been out and about a lot lately enjoying the sunshine. It makes all the difference in the world in my mood..I never really considered myself a seasonally affected person, but all of the rain and gloom we've had for the past few months has really had an effect on my energy levels. I lived in the Sunset district of San Francisco for over 8 years (otherwise known as the Fog Belt) and rarely saw the sun at all, so I figured I was used to all of the grey. But now that we're in the East Bay and the sun is shining, I don't know how I made it through all of those years in the gloom! Man, it has been so amazingly beautiful here lately...all I want to do is go outside and soak it all in. It's made getting my 8,000 step minimum a breeze!
Monday was Matthew's and my 2 year anniversary, and we spent it doing all of our favorite things. Started out with breakfast at a locally famous place called Rick and Ann's, continued at the very luxurious Claremont Spa getting a duet treatment (shared aromatherapy bath and 80 minute massages in the couples room...HEAVEN!!) We came home, ate a little lunch and then headed out to Ocean Beach in SF (where it was actually sunny for a change!) to soak up the rays and the negative ions, and then to our very most favorite sushi restaurant for dinner. We used to live about a block away from it and went there at least once a week, and it's the one place we both actively pine for now that we're not living in SF anymore. We've just not been able to find any other sushi anywhere that can compare to the Nectar of the GODS that they serve at Sushi Bistro.
Anywho, it all would have added up to the perfect day had I not had a little vomiting incident after sushi-ing. I have no idea what happened, honestly...everything we had was stuff I'd had before, and I hadn't experienced any digestive woes of that ilk in so long that it really took me by surprise. And this wasn't a "PB" (Productive Burping) event...no, this was a full out heaving and hacking and it's only the second time that I've experienced ANYTHING like it since my surgery. The only thing I can think of was that I had a couple of sips of sake while I was eating, and my system decided that sake wasn't a good idea, especially during a meal. I didn't gulp it, I barely had a total of 1/2 a shot glass full and it was a very high quality sake. But trusting the proprietors of this place implicitly and knowing that for a long time, sashimi from this restaurant was the only solid food that felt good for me, I can't think of what else it might have been. And it was FAST...I was just fine, having a lovely conversation and doing a small version of what Matthew and I have termed the "Happy Sushi Dance" (which we ONLY ever do when experiencing the ecstasy that is the food at Sushi Bistro. ;-) ) when all of a sudden my mouth started watering excessively and I knew I had about 20 seconds to make it to the restroom. I didn't experience any nausea until RIGHT then. I hadn't even taken a bite of food in several minutes...I was just letting it all rest and settle, and took a tiny sip of the sake when all hell broke loose. After I rid my system of whatever it didn't want, I felt just fine. No residual sickness or tummy yuck at all. It was a very odd experience. And the only thing that marred a wonderful day that we'd spent together.
Point is: NEVER ASSUME that you can just lie back and forget about your tool! I'm 7 months out and I haven't had problems eating in a long time, so I just figured that I was over that little hump. WHOOPS!
April 18, 2006
What an odd couple of days. Yesterday, I got a call from my new PCP, who told me some good news and some not so good news. A.) I'm not anemic and all of my blood chemistry came back at normal levels, (EXCEPT for my cholesterol, which has actually gone up. I'm still considered borderline, but it's just weird considering how carefully I've been eating.) and B.) since all of my chemistry is normal, it means that they weakness and tingling I've been experiencing in my limbs is almost certainly my MS asserting itself. I'm trying to get in with a new neurologist, but at the moment, she can't see me until May 11. My PCP is going to call her and see if she can pull some strings, but UGH, I really don't want to have to go on interferon injections... everything I've heard about them says that the side effects can be worse than the exacerbations themselves.
SO-- all of this news put me in a big ole funk yesterday. To no great surprise, I found that I automatically resorted to old coping mechanisms...I kept wanting to eat to make myself feel better. Since I couldn't just binge on junk food the way I used to, I just kept snacking. Now, none of the things I snacked on were officially "bad" for me. Nuts, protein bars, SF/FF pudding, etc. But the fact remains that I spent the day being completely slothful (I didn't even get out of my sweats) AND medicating myself with food in the only way available to me. I hate exercising for exercise's sake, so I couldn't even motivate myself to go outside and enjoy the first sunny day we've had around here in weeks. As the day progressed, I felt even worse because the old familiar sense of self-loathing that I used to get when I allowed food to control me was back in spades. By the time I went to bed, I was feeling like a total raving failure AND freaked out about my brain. Not good. I considered writing here, and didn't do it only because I couldn't even bring myself to admit to people here how badly I'd "misbehaved". I slept
badly, had awful dreams, and generally felt like the crap of the day had followed me into my subconcious.
But eventually I got some rest, and it must have helped a bit, because when we awoke to another bright shiny spring morning, I was able to muster the energy to get myself up at 8:00 and eat a decent breakfast at a decent hour (I don't generally like to eat in the a.m., so I often don't eat until 10:30-11:00). It must have helped get things going, because I immediately felt more energy. Then the lightbulb came on: as I was sitting here at my computer checking my email, a streaming ad came on that featured a song I used to love in high school...one that always made me want to dance. Turns out: it still does! I sat here bouncing along with the beat when it dawned on me that I felt loads better...here I was moving and enjoying it! What do you know? Something that put me in a GOOD MOOD...and it was good for me! So, I started to make myself a "Shake Your Booty" playlist of all of the songs I have here on my computer that make me want to groove. I've got nearly 3,000 mp3's on this system...no doubt I had more than a few that would inspire me to boogie. A little while later, I had it...over 50 songs that encompassed everything from swing to disco to hiphop. I streamed it into the living room over the good speakers and found myself utterly unable to sit still. I spent more than an hour dancing like a fool around the house and having a BLAST. I even put on my pedometer and found out at the end of the 25th song that it was up over 8,000 steps, and that was before the 45 minute walk we took later in the evening. And the best part is that it put me in a fabulous mood that has lasted all day.
Lesson learned...GET MOVING!
And for anyone who gives a rat's patoot, here's the playlist.
(Beware...it is FILLED with cheeeez):
Aerosmith, Walk This Way
The B52's, Love Shack
The Bangles, Walk Like an Egyptian
Barenaked Ladies, One Week
The Beatles, Twist and Shout
Billy Idol, Dancing With Myself
Billy Idol, Mony Mony
Bob Seger, Old Time Rock and Roll
Brian Setzer Orchestra, Jump Jive an' Wail
Brian Setzer Orchestra, The House Is Rockin'
Cherry Poppin' Daddies, Cherry Poppin' Daddy Strut
Chuck Berry, You Never Can Tell
Chuck Prophet, Elouise
Chumbawamba, Tubthumping
The Commodores, Brick House
Cyndi Lauper, She Bop
Dexi's Midnight Runners, Come On Eileen
Duran Duran, Hungry Like the Wolf
English Beat, Save It For Later
Erasure, A Little Respect
Erasure, Chains Of Love
Escape Club, Wild, Wild West
Foreigner, Hot Blooded
Gloria Gaynor, I Will Survive
The Gypsy Kings, Bamboleo
The Hooters, And We Danced
J. Geils Band, Centerfold
John Mellencamp, Hurts So Good
LaBelle, Lady Marmalade
Marc Broussard, Home
The Monkees, Now I'm Believer
Oingo Boingo, Deadman's Party
Oingo Boingo, Weird Science
Outkast, Hey Ya!
Paul Simon, Late in The Evening
Pink, Get This Party Started
Prince, Delirious
Queen, Crazy Little Thing Called Love
R.E.M., It's the End of the World as We Know It
The Rascals, Good Lovin'
Rick Springfield, Jesse's Girl
Robert Palmer, Simply Irresistable
Sheryl Crow, Everyday Is A Winding Road
Simon & Garfunkel, Cecilia
Sister Hazel, Superman
Smash Mouth, Can't Get Enough of You Baby
Smash Mouth, Diggin' Your Scene
The Talking Heads, Wild Wild Life
Tommy Tutone, 867-5309 (Jenny)
The Weather Girls, It's Rainin' Men
Wild Cherry, Play That Funky Music
April 13, 2006
Well, I forgot to post up here on my 6 monthiversary, but it has come and gone as of the 11th, and the tally is as stands: -75 pounds since surgery, -88 lbs overall and gone from a size 22-24 to a size 12. Whoopie! I've posted some new pics here on the board so that folks can see the transition...obviously there will be more "after shots" coming as I get more taken! (I find that I'm no longer quite so camera shy...funny, that. :) )
April 4, 2006
Would you look at that?? Only 2 days since my last entry! I really am trying here, folks...
I've been fascinated with my own skeleton of late. I was just sitting reading quietly this afternoon when I realized I'd been absentmindedly rubbing my collarbone for a long time. And this morning as I was laying in bed on my side, I found myself running my hand between my rib cage
and my pelvic/hip bone, and just marveling at the fact that not only did I *have* hipbones, but also at the depth of the dip between them! I've also been noticing the bones on either side of my butt as I sit in front of my computer... amazing! Don't get me wrong, I still have plenty of flab and insulation left in various places, but the fact that I can feel beyond that to the absolute core of my own structure astonishes me. Obviously, I knew I had bones, but it has been so long since I've felt them, much less seen them!
There's something else that's been playing over in my mind, and we just had a really interesting discussion of it on the VSG board. It relates to how we all see ourselves, both pre- and post-op. Some people have mentioned the fact that they felt invisible as a heavy person. They were ignored by customer service reps, fellow shoppers, colleagues, and of
course: potential partners. And now that they are further along in the process and much closer to a "normal" weight, they notice that they are getting a lot more attention from people who previously eschewed any knowledge of or contact with them. There's a lot of resentment built up around this, and understandably so. How do you give someone the respect of your attention when you know in your heart of hearts that just a few months ago, they most likely wouldn't even acknowledge that you exist? I made an arguement for energy output: When you feel negatively
about yourself, you put out negative energy, to which others around you respond in kind. When you feel good about yourself, etc. And as we all shrink and feel more proud of ourselves and our bodies, people can't help but respond to that kind of confidence.
But I don't know if that's entirely fair. My perspective is a tad skewed, mayhaps, because I have had two massive advantages: 1.) An impossibly supportive and encouraging family who never let me forget that they knew I was beautiful no matter what size I was, and 2.) A gift that led
me to a world where I *had* to develop a teflon skin or suffer the consequences. In the performing arts world, you get rejected so often that you just learn to let most of that stuff slide right off. I didn't get that part? Hmm-- they must have just been looking for something else that I can't be. A different tone, a different take on the character,
and yes-- often a different body type. Yes, it could be disappointing, but I learned to never take it personally. (Even when it was intended to be so!) I can't be what they want, and I can't change most of those elemental things about myself so...onto the next thing that I might possibly fit. Being on stage in front of so many people and moving from production to production every 6-8 weeks or so where you have to acclimate to an entirely different group of people and develop chemistry with them in VERY short order gave me a decided advantage. I learned how to get noticed, I learned how to make friends quickly and I learned how to let the little things slide. There just wasn't enough time to be shy or under-confident. Not if I didn't want to make a total ass of myself and my castmates come opening night.
My dad taught me at a young age how to walk like a "bitch on a mission" when I was in "off neighborhoods" or unfamiliar territory...head up, look like you know exactly where you're going and don't look like a victim. I internalized a lot of that after living for nearly 10 years in the city. It was a part of the package...the confident lady with the big grin who knows exactly where she's going. And that carried over into the rest of my life. I tend to like people and they tend to like me, regardless of what I look like. I felt confident enough in the rest of the package not to let my size determine how I came across to people, so I never felt ignored or invisible.
At least that was the case until the year before my surgery. Then I started to notice that the underlying aspects of my personality that had always defined me (at least in my mind) were starting to fade. I didn't like to go out in groups, I didn't want to meet new people, I started to invent reasons not to go out and do social things. That's not me. I'm usually the organizer of said social things! I used to be
energized by meeting new people, and instead, on the rare occasion when i did go out in public, I was exhausted by maintaining the charade of confidence.
I am an only child, so I've always been okay spending time alone, and there were weekends I lived alone that I'd come home from work on a friday evening and not see another soul until I went back to work on Monday. In and of itself, an occasional weekend of hermitude was not a bad thing. But it started to be my tendency all the time. I wouldn't even get dressed or answer the phone. I was even terrified of planning a trip to meet the rest of Matthew's family on the east coast because I couldn't face making him introduce his fat girlfriend...as if they would have cared! I did them and him a grave disservice by not trusting that they would react positively to me because I am the woman he loves. I didn't want to be embarrassed and I didn't want him to be embarrassed. I know he wouldn't have been, but I would have on his behalf and I couldn't do it.
Now-- I'm actively trying to plan a trip out to meet them in the fall. I'm suggesting that we take pictures at social events. I'm PLANNING evenings out in clubs and public places again. The old me is back, in all of her increasing bony-ness. She's laid the hermit to rest, she's dug that extrovert out of her closet along with her skinny jeans and is
REALLY enjoying taking her out for a long overdue spin. :)
Apr. 1, 2006
Here we are again...after another long hiatus! I've been thinking about doing this for several days, but it took a passive kick in the tuchus from Tonya on the VSG board to remind me that keeping my profile updated is not only good for me, but good for everyone else on this journey! (Thank you, Tonya! :-P) MOst of us keep a pretty detailed record when we're immediately post-op, but it's the long termers that we really need to keep track of..and the further out we get, the more "normal" our lives become, the less we think about the fact that we were most decidedly NOT normal a short while ago, and the more lax we become about posting/ journaling here. So, here's my attempt to rectify that.
Alas, I'm not feeling so great today, but I'm not sure what's causing it. I've been experiencing muscle weakness and some slurred words for a couple of weeks now off and on. It could be vitamin deficiency of some sort...iron or B12, perhaps. That's fixable, but I still need to get it tested to find out for sure. But I have a bad feeling that it's an MS related thing, which means something else entirely. My PCP doc left the practice I went to in the City, and since I moved I haven't gotten a new one. Nor do I even officially have a neurologist at the moment, and that's something that needs to be fixed posthaste.
Other than THAT...things are great. Our new house is finally a home (we have pics on the walls and all of the books in the shelves...it feels so good to walk in the door now! It's amazing how much more at *home* we both feel here compared to our last apartment. Could have something
to do with the fact that this is an actual HOUSE as opposed to an apartment. :) But I really just think we needed to have a place with light and space around it...and you just have a hard time finding that in the city proper. Anyway...it's lovely here and we're both thrilled with the space we've created together.
As far as my overall weight loss is concerned, I seem to have established a pattern of losing maybe 1 lb a week for a 2-3 weeks in a row,and then BAM...down 5 lbs in just a few days. So, I still think it averages out to 2-3 lbs a week all told. Not everyone will agree with this, but I'm realy glad I've been charting my progress ona daily basis. It really helps to look back and see patterns so that I know more of what to expect. I know it's not all about pounds, but it is still a part of the journey.
The big news is that I reached a major milestone yesterday... My BMI dropped below 30...I'm officially no longer obese, I'm merely OVERWEIGHT! (Never thought you'd hear anyone cheering: "Yay! I'm overweight! Woohoo!" didja?) It's a lovely thing when at last you don't have to have the evil "obese" word affixed to your stats. I'm now in a size 12 in most things, and last week, ended up buying several shirts in a size "M". I was out shopping for stuff for the new house with my mom, and she got me to go (reluctantly, I admit) into a clothing store "Just to *look*". I automatically headed toward the L/XL rack, but my mom said "You know, I really think all of those will be too big for you." And whaddaya know...Mom was right! (Yeah yeah, I know....per usual!) It was a miraculous thing to take eight size "M" shirts into a dressing room and have ALL of them fit. So it wasn't an abberation...I really was a MEDIUM. And then my choice wasn't about which one looked the least bad and covered my flab enough to be deemed acceptable in public. It was about which ones I liked the best! I had choices that had nothing to do with what I could actually fit into...it was all about style preferences. Quite a day, I must say. So-- all in all, a couple of weeks of good milestones and wow moments. Can't ask for much more than that!
One last thing...I really want to thank the folks who post on the VSG board. It's been really active of late, and has been such a great source of support, encouragement and information. It is a wonderous thing to know that there are so many other terrific people out there on the same path as me...and they *are* terrific. There are some that I just
want to gather around in a happy little group and hug the stuffin' out of them! We're scattered around the globe, but I do hope that some day we're able to meet IRL and share the laughter in person!
VSG Champions cruise to the Carribean anyone?? :D
March 12, 2006
Okay...lots has changed since last I updated. Which is, of course, why I haven't updated lately...things have been hectic!
First and foremost-- we MOVED. We are now 'burbanites... sorta. I don't know if living in Berkeley counts as the 'burbs, but since it's not San Francisco, I'd say it counts. Although, honestly, in some ways I feel more like I live in an actual city now than I did in our far outlying neighborhood of SF. We are close to EVERYTHING here. It's really amazing... the best grocery store in the known universe (The Berkeley Bowl) is 5 blocks away, the BART station is 4 blocks away, a terrific little neighborhood movie theater is less than a 15 minute walk from our house. Oh and yes, you heard me...it's a HOUSE. No more flats/apartments/ duplexes. We have an entire house to ourselves and it's BLISS. No more sharing walls/ceilings/floors with other tenants...no more worrying if our tv is up too loud...no more getting startled (read: incredibly annoyed) if the upstairs neighbors drop something or slam their front door. We finally have our own HOME and it's lovely...it really could not be more perfect and we are thrilled with it.
Second and only slightly lesshuge is the fact that I was stalled for nearly a month and it was beginning to freak me out. And no, I wasn't putting on muscle or losing inches while the scale stayed still. My scale measures both pounds and body fat, and neither number was going anywhere. But it finally broke last week when I realized that even though
I'd been really diligent about making sure that my calories/ carb/protein counts were good (despite the massive snack attack I mentioned in my last posting) and I'd been really active with all of the packing and moving, I had NOT been getting in all of my fluids. I'd really slacked off on the water. As soon as I started getting in 65-70 ounces of water per day-- BAM! I've lost 6 pounds in 4 days. It's really quite amazing. So DON'T IGNORE YOUR FLUIDS!!! They really count. Yesterday was my 5 month-iversary and also the day I finally hit ONEderland...for the first time in many many years, my weight starts with the numeral "1"
instead of a "2". Miraculous!! And I'm only 3 lbs away from being only "overweight" instead of "obese" on the BMI scale. My personal weight goal is finally within sight: only 38 more lbs to go until I see 159. And I *AM* going to see it!!
My favorite part is that my size 14 jeans are getting baggy (finally!) and I could be in my 12's by the end of next week if all goes well. I was a size 12 (briefly) about 7 years ago so I still have a couple of skirts and jeans in that size. After THAT...I finally get to go shopping for new clothes!! And I don't need to go to stores with plus sizes! Totally amazing. I have no idea how that will feel, but it can't be anything but thrilling to pull out a size you've never worn before and have it fit like a glove.
Moving in the right direction again is truly a joy.
Feb 24, 2006
*Sigh*...just when we think we've got this thing all figured out and know where we can push and where we can fudge a bit, it comes back to remind you who's in charge.
I am 4.5 months out..I should have this whole system wired right? I know the drill and I know the consequences and yet...I can feel a bit of the old rebel peeking around the corner. The "I don't WANT to eat a meal..I'll just have a few of these addictive roasted mixed nuts", or the "I'm just PMS-ing, that's why I'm craving (and eating) salty crunchy things." Or the thing that pushed me over the edge tonight, the "Why shouldn't I have another slice of low carb banana pecan bread...it won't put me over my limits and it's so tasty!" Not because I was hungry, mind you...but just because I was "snacky". (Sing it with me now... HEAD HUNGER!) So I ate it, and rather quickly, too. And I finally pushed my little stomach too far...for the first time since I was in the hospital, I vomited. (Well-- a bit, anyway...it doesn't feel like it used to...more like everything is just coming right back up the exact way it went down.) No, eating it didn't officially put me over my self imposed caloric or carb limits for the day, but there was no earthly reason I needed it. I wasn't low on anything and I wasn't hungry. It was just there and my head decided that I wanted it. My stomach, however, had other ideas...
I also realized that I haven't lost an ounce since my check up 12 days ago. I've actually just kept trading the same .5 lb up and down several times. So I looked back over the last couple of weeks and saw that I've been letting the program slide lately...water intake has been down, deliberate exercise has slacked off, bites have been bigger, eating
pace has been faster, I've been snacking most of the day instead of sitting down and eating real meals for breakfast and lunch. I've still been keeping diligent track of everything I'm eating, but the little signs still portend badness...old bad habits are beginning to creep in. It scares the bejeezus out of me. I did not go through this much to blow it now...or ever.
My body took control tonight and reminded me--rather forcefully-- that I have to treat it gently and respect the program. This is the blessing of this surgery...if I'd been committed to yet another diet and exercise program, this is exactly the time I would have begun to backslide and lose my commitment. We're in the midst of packing for our move next week, I'm job hunting...there's just a lot to concentrate on, and my eating habits are taking a back burner to all of that. But this glorious tool keeps me honest and makes me realize that I cannot just forget about my health.
It sure as hell isn't forgetting about me...
About Me
Oakland, CA
Location
37.3
BMI
Surgery
10/11/2005
Surgery Date
Sep 14, 2005
Member Since
