MelRose
Feb 16, 2005
I'm no longer going to apologize for lapses between entries... as you all know..Sh*t happens!
The sh*t, in this case, happens to be MOVING. Yes, we are actually leaving this fair city and moving burb-ward to Berkeley. (Though Berkeley is hardly the burbs...) So-- as of Mar. 3, eastward we go. And aside from the packing ickiness, it can't happen soon enough for me. This is our chance to build a real home together, and we are SO excited!
The downside of this move is that it is costing us so much out of pocket to do it, that we had to cancel our cruise. :((( We just couldn't do both financially, and it was just too much time away from work for Matthew, with all of the time he'll have to take to deak with the move as well. Plus, now that I know where we'll be living, I'm going to be job searching, and it's probably not the best thing to spout off at an interview "By the way, if you hire me, i'll be taking off for 11 days just a couple of weeks after I start!") So, no being "butted" in the near future. Sadness...but we'll reschedule for some time in the fall when things calm down.
It's probably better for my weight loss as well. Cruising is notorious for being a diet killer...though I can eat so little, it may not have been a problem. :) And while we're on the subject, I finally had my 3 month (though it was actually *4* months) checkup on Monday, and was pronounced to be doing "fantastically well". I've now lost a total of 62
lbs since the surgery and 75 overall. That's 62% of my excess weight! 4 more lbs til ONEderland and 10 til I'm officially out of the obese catagory and merely "overweight"... 42 more til i'm considered "normal" on the bmi scale and 45 more til I'm actually at my goal of 159! I'm firmly in a size 14 right now and at approximately 15 lbs per size, that's three more sizes. I could actually be a size *8* by my birthday in July. What a miraculous birthday present that would be to myself: Happy 35th...here's a SIZE 8 dress to wear to your party!! A SINGLE DIGIT SIZE!! It's an incomprehenible thing to even think about. I've *never* been a single digit. (At least not since I was 8 years old.) Whoohoo! I would actually be happy with a size 10, but why not dream big?
Or, actually...small :)
Jan. 27, 2006
Yup- the stretches between entries are getting longer and longer. I keep thinking that as a normal, every day sort of gal now that I have nothing of interest to say. But I do realize two things: 1.) I *always* have something to say. (;-)) and 2.) This is exactly the time when most folks need to hear about how those of us who are far enough on the other side to be leading a "normal every day" kind of life are
surviving. So here it goes:
First of all...for the first time in YEARS, I have no pain in my
shoulder or neck, which I believe has everything to do with my glorious status as on of the Gainfully Unemployed. Yes-- this is the one area of my life in which I'm quite happy to be *gainfully* anything!! I'll tell you-- I figured that I'd be antsy to get back to work after a couple of weeks, but today is the two week anniversary of my last day of hell ...I mean, work...and I am positively blissful! It's a marvelous thing to be a slacker. Leaving that environment is the best thing I've ever done for myself...Aside from my VG. :)
I still haven't figured out what I want to do yet, but I do know that it needs to be something that makes me feel as though I'm contributing to the global community in some way. Alas, all I'm really trained for is working in finance, but i do NOT want to do that again. So, I'm perusing the idealist.org and opportunityknocks.org websites looking at
non-profit listings and trying to figure out if any of them have use for me in a capacity which won't me want to scream. I'm being picky because I'm trying to figure out a career path, not just get a job.
Next bit of loveliness: I am 3.5 months out and officially down 55.5 pounds since surgery/68 overall and I feel really good. My bmi has dropped from a 43.7 to 32.4 Another 15 pounds and I shall be in the merely "overweight" designation on the BMI scale as opposed to "obese" and that feels REALLY good. My size 16's are beginning to get a tad baggy and I anticipate making the transition into 14's in another 2-3 weeks. This means that for the first time in many years, I shall NOT be shopping in the Woman's Section. I shall not have the dreaded "W" on my size tag. Buh BYE Lane Bryant!! So long Torrid! This also means that I should be able to amass a lovely new wardrobe of size 10's for our cruise in April and revel in the the joys of outlet shopping with mom! I'm waiting on that until just a couple of weeks before we leave so that I can get full value for my investment. ;) But seriously, by the time the boat leaves on Apr. 28, at my current rate, I could conceivably be at or very near my GOAL. Down nearly 120 lbs. I can't even think of numbers like that!! It's an incredible thought: In the span of just 7 months I went from hopeless and miserable to where I've wanted to be for so long...it's postively surreal.
I do see that there are several other people on the VG board who seem to be losing at a much faster rate that I am...and, yes, there are times when the Evil Comparison Beast rears its ugly head. But I really do know that aside from some problems getting in all of my water, (this is something that a lot of people never tell you...you will have a much harder time getting in 64 ounces of liquid after you're back on solid foods because you can't drink for 15 mins before or 30-45 mins after a meal...the timing gets all screwy and sometimes you lose track), I am doing everything I'm supposed to do. I am totally compliant with my surgeon's protocol and there is nothing else more that I can do, so my body will progress at the rate at which it is comfortable. The really good news is, at 3.5 months out, I haven't lost any hair, my nails are growing like crazy, my skin looks better than it has in 15 years, and I am not looking or feeling malnourished. n fact, I look and feel positively vibrant. So-- i know I'm getting in all the nutrition I need and I'm treating my body healthfully. 30-40 grams of protein I ingest is provided by supplements, the rest is via food. We go out to eat all the time, and I've found plenty of good satisfying options at nearly all of our favorite places. I eat lots of meats and eggs, veggies and some fruit (mostly berries), I eat homemade high protein, high fiber breads, I've found good substitutes for pasta (soy pasta and spaghetti squash) and there are tons of sugar-free ways to treat myself once in a while if I feel the need for something sweet, (which is quite rare actually) so I don't feel at all deprived. And one or two bites of something rich or sweet is all I need. I really do not ever feel like I'm not eating what I want to eat. I do occasionally get bitten by the snack monster later in the evenings..but usually a few nuts, a couple of soy crackers or a bite of peanut butter with a few mini sugar-free chocolate chips shuts him right down. It's totally manageable, it all fits into my caloric and nutritional guidelines and I never feel as though I'm cheating or doing something "naughty".
It's a miraculous thing to NOT be a slave to my stomach anymore.
Jan 2, 2006
I know. Mea maxima culpa. The intervals are getting longer and longer. My only excuse is that it's easy enough to get a bit overextended over the holidays without trying to navigate the trecherous holiday-parties/dinners/presents as a relatively new postop.
The short story is, I made it through Christmas and I seem to have emerged on the other side relatively intact. I even lost a pound and half over christmas weekend, so my small bites of stuffing and pecan pie nothwithstanding, I stuck to the program relatively well. It was the typical family craziness... between Matthew and me we have three different sides of the family out here to visit in a 24 hour period, so it gets a bit hectic. But everyone behaved, we got to see just about everyone we needed to see and got some good stuff to boot! One of our favorite presents is the breadmaker we got from Matthew's mother. Oh MAN have I made some great high protein low carb breads...our favorite thus far has been the Oatmeal Molasses bread from Dana Carpender's 500 Low Carb Recipes book. I brought a fresh loaf to Christmas dinner and it disappeared in a heartbeat. Goooood stuff... fabulous toasted, and a really nice change of pace from the egg/ham/cheese breakfast route that normally follows a low carb regimen.
But the biggest news of the holiday season has only an indirect correlation to my weight loss journey. After nearly 5 years of working in an industry for which I have no real aptitude or interest, I quit my job. I work in finance... don't even ask me how I got there. It was a very random series of connections that took me from a part time receptionist gig for a brokerage firm back in April 2001 (to pay the bills when I was still trying to make a career in music), to the full time postion of Accounting Dept. Coordinator and Asst to the CFO less than a year later. When I took the first position, it was never intended to be a long term thing, and yet, it became an easy habit. I got used to the regular decent paycheck and when I finally decided that a music career was not in the cards for me, they created a full time position for me. I took it and grew to enjoy the concept of actually saving some money. My employers were very flexible with my schedule, I enjoyed most of my colleagues and a lot of the bosses are opera fans so they enjoyed having someone in the arts work for them. My coworkers and I socialized a good deal both in and out of the office and really made the environment fun even if we weren't all blissed out at the prospect of our actual jobs. For something that was just a means to an end as opposed to a career, it was a good one.
But I never liked the industry and my job, in and of itself, bores me to tears. Basically, I count other people's money all day... what they owe us, what we owe them. *Yawn*. I always sucked at math all the way through school--in fact, it was the only subject in which I ever flunked a course. (Of course, that might have had something to do with the fact that it was an 8:00 am class three days a week my junior year in college, and singers aren't exactly renowned as "morning people".) Still-- I find it a very odd irony that I ended up making a living doing math all day. Anywho, of late, it has become less and less tolerable to me that I spend my days doing something I dread. And some recent-ish personnel changes and shifts in paradigm have made it far more toxic and far less fun in my office. I just don't see the point in doing something you hate when you can't even have a good time with your fellow office mates...not when you have other options available to you.
So here is where the loose, indirect correlation to my wls journey comes into play: I have spent the last three months detoxing my body to great effect. And I just can't continue to concentrate on my health without addressing the major source of stress, frustration and boredom in my life. Those are my triggers. I used to eat when I was bored or frustrated. Well-- guess what? That's how I feel every day in my office, and now that I don't have my old caloric standbys as a coping mechanism, it's coming out in different ways. I bring it home with me...Matthew has to hear the "same shit, different day" speech every night. My friends and familly know more about the people I work with than their own co-workers. It's not good for me or them. Everything else in my world has finally started progressing in the right direction... my body, my health, my relationship. It is glaringly obvious where I still seem to be stuck...and that is professionally.
SO-- I started putting out resumes a couple of weeks ago with the intent of resigning my current position as soon as I had something more fulfilling lined up. But fate intervened... something happened last week that has never happened to me before in a professional setting. I got so sick and tired of the back stabbing, passive aggression and manipulations that I actually *yelled*,--loudly, f-bomb included--at one of my
colleagues in the middle of the office. Whoops. And even though most of my coworkers were very understanding of what triggered me and no one begrudged me my outburst, it was a major wakeup call. I'm not an emotional outburst kind of gal. In fact, I'm really not confrontational at all...I'm a mediator. I like to facilitate communication and sit down
for rational discussions of whatever is causing problems. So when something like this happens, I sit up and pay attention. So I gave notice that my last day will be on Jan 13. (Friday the 13th-- how poetic!). And then I felt a bigger weight than any I've lost in the last three months roll off of my shoulders.
I've come too far in the last few months to let a situation like this sabotage me. I'm incredibly lucky to have some choices that many people don't have... most notably that Matthew is willing and able to shoulder a bit more of the burden for a couple of months and I've been able to save some money over the last couple of years, so I don't have to just jump at any job that comes down the pike. I have some time to really do a diligent search and figure out what I really want to do.
Oy-- if I only had a clue what that actually is.
Dec. 11, 2005
SO, it seems as though i'm just not destined to go through life as a diarist... I kinda suck at this whole "keeping a regular journal" thing!
Today is my two monthiversary. I'm officially down 33 pounds and 27 inches since surgery....45 lbs overall. And today marks what I sincerely hope is the end of my very first stall. Ugh-- very frustrating! Even though I consciously know that every body has to deal with this
process in its own way, it's still a tad panic-inducing when you see the scale continually trading the same 1/2 lb up and down, over and over again for nearly 10 days. My brain knows very well that my body has been through a rapid and shocking change and it needs to catch up in its own time. But I can't help wondering in my deepest little nugget of insecure self if maybe I'm the one for whom this surgery won't work or if I've done something subconsciously to derail the process. I just have to put faith in my brain (with which I have some trust issues, obviously!) and listen to its very rational, soothing voice that says, "Melissa-- your body needs to assert some control here to avoid going into
starvation mode. You're doing everything right...keeping incredibly good track of your food intake, (you should see my elaborate excel spreadsheets!!) exercising every day, making sure you get all of your vital levels of nutrients in. Just let it go at its own pace, and try to think about the fact that if you lose the weight a little more slowly, then maybe you won't have the skin elasticity issues that most people have when they lose so rapidly." Most of the time I can listen to my placidly rational brain and feel good about going at my own individual pace. And sometimes I just get so impatient and think "what the hell did I put myself and my loved ones through all of this for if I'm not going to lose weight any faster with this surgery than I would have without it!??" And of course, the answer is...this time it won't come back. The issue was never losing the weight (not that it was fun or easy, but it was doable.) The issue was losing it PERMANENTLY. It's a vital distinction that I know very damned well...but I have to work harder sometimes to keep it clearly in focus when the afore mentioned nugget rears its ugly head.
The upshot of all of this is...you can physically remove the majority of what causes the problem, but you can't surgically excise the demons that contributed to the problem. GOD, I wish they resided in where the ghrelin lived, too... that would, indeed, be the miracle. It is
difficult keeping your wits about you when all around you seems so chaotic...especially in this season when we're surrounded by all things food-like. I've skipped three holiday parties thus far because I just couldn't deal with watching everyone else gorge...both because the sights and smells of that particular phenomenon were pretty nauseating, and because I got envious of the fact that they COULD. It's true... you can't eat that way anymore and once you reach that "full" point, you really aren't hungry for it, but the idea of being able to nosh your way around the appetizer table or sit down to the overfull plate is still perversely appealing. I'm not hungry enough to eat all of that stuff, but I want to be ABLE to.
*Sigh* It's a conundrum. It's my demon. And I'm hoping I'll be able to kick his lazy, ugly, manipulative butt out the door for good because he has certainly worn out his welcome.
November 24, 2005
Ahhh, Turkey Day has now come and gone. And strangely enough, it was actually kind of a non-issue for me, which was very odd after all of the planning and hoping and sending up little wishes to the universe to "please let me at least enjoy Thanksgiving". You know what? I did! And it had nothing to do with the food. I really couldn't have cared less about the food. And we had TWO Thanksgivings, so I was ready and waiting to be tempted beyond that bounds of rationality and I had my self all psyched up to be "GOOD". Come on, Temptation... I DARE YOU!!
We had a brunch in the morning with my family, during which I tasted a little bit of almost everything (My dad's terrific homemade quiche, fresh berries, mom's famous stuffing, various breakfast meats) but avoided the fresh juice and croissants. Okay--that was a bit of a sacrifice. But, ultimately, I was perfectly fine with that. My big splurge of the day was that I ate a WHOLE piece of bacon and a half a chicken apple sausage. Whoohoo! Thanksgiving part 1 is a raging success! (Aside from my MAJOR pumpkin cake meltdown of the evening before which necessitated
an emergency batch of sugar free lemon bars at 10:00 pm. OY. But they were well received so, it all turned out okay.) Anywho, I kept thinking that I had another entire party to get through and I'd better be ready for that so that I could enjoy it as well. So-- I was good and kept to the plan and felt proud of myself about it. I was pleasantly satisfied and we had a lovely mellow brunch.
So then, the main event: Matthew's Dad's partner, Jerry, and his his AMAZING all-from-scratch proper Southern spread. This was what we'd all geared up for and I just KNEW I'd be spoiling all of my best intentions. I've had holiday meals cooked by Jerry before... I knew what to
expect and I'd been anticipating it for weeks. So, we walk in and I'm all ready to "release the hounds!"...and then the smell of all of that rich food hit me. Um...hmm. Maybe this is not such a good idea. By the end of the evening I'd eaten... ready?...a piece of cheese. About an ounce of cambozola. THAT'S IT??!!! The food Jerry prepared was beautiful
and everyone enjoyed the hell out of it, but I just wasn't interested. I even picked a pecan off of Jerry's ridiculously good pecan pie (which I've loved in the past) and found it way too sweet for me now. Now granted, part of the reason for my lack of interest was that I pounded a rather viscous double strength Matrix protein drink right before I got
there, so I wasn't the least bit hungry. (In fact, I felt a bit ill after drinking it too fast). But even so, I looked at all of the food and thought, "How pretty", and then sat at the table laughing uproariously with Matthew's family and their wacky "high energy" friends and had a grand time. The food just didn't matter.
Did I just say that?? "The food didn't matter." ON THANKSGIVING. I can't quite believe it, and I've written it twice. How is that possible?? I can't decide if I'm thrilled about it, or I mourn for it. A little of both, I suppose. It's a wonderful feeling to be released from the
bounds of my self-imposed food prison...to know that I'm free to attend any event I so choose and not have to worry that I'll feel like I'm punishing myself by not eating myself into oblivion (and feeling the subsequent cycle of guilt and remorse.) And yet, there is a slight letdown somewhere...I've been a certified "foodie" for many years. You can't
live too long in San Francisco without experiencing that...there is just too much amazing food here. But now it's all been relegated to the back burner. That kind of culinary exploration is just not really possible anymore. And it's an experience I will miss.
I guess I'll just have to explore something else...maybe I'll become a member of the museum, or start collecting vintage lingerie...Hey! anyone for a rousing game of Parchesi?? ;)
Nov. 17, 2005
Today was one of those days when I was acutely reminded of how good I've got it here. I woke up this morning to find it about 65 degrees and crystal clear, so Matthew and I took our morning walk through Golden Gate Park...meandering through the wooded paths and past the fairytale confection that is the Conservatory of Flowers. Everything smelled so
fresh and looked so beautiful in the early light...it was a perfect way to start a day. And the mood that I caught that early stuck with me. I was riding my normal bus to work and thinking how damned lucky I am to be living where I live and to have the incredible partner that I have, and I felt that *thrum* vibrating in my bones...the one where you know you're in tune with the universe around you and you are exactly where you are supposed to be.
Before this surgery, it had been a LONG TIME since I felt that way...years, really, with a couple of exceptions. I used to feel it every day in one way or another...everytime I'd coast to the top of a hill and see the bay stretched out in front of me, or catch a glimpse of the GG Bridge or see people sitting outside a cafe in the morning drinking good
coffee and patting the patient dog at their feet, or read a random blurb in one of the local papers about the wonderful nutsyness that is San Francisco and its host of colorful characters. I *knew* I was where I was supposed to be, loving the people I was meant to love and experiencing the life I was meant to live. But as I lost my way in the
increasingly tangled maze that is the path to morbid obesity, I lost that sense of wonder. I allowed that certainty to be clouded by the hopelessness I felt in my own body. Surely that body wasn't meant to experience the pleasure of peace. Even when I finally found my soulmate and was smart enough to reach out of that haze to grab on tight to him, I couldn't let go of that feeling that I was somehow sabotaging my spirit and losing my path and I hadn't the slightest idea how I was going to get it back.
And then I finally found this site and a group of doctors that were able to point me back to the light...and the way not only to regain my path but brighten it and make it even better than it ever was. Moving forward instead of floundering around wondering where to go. Finally believing myself when I say "I am treating myself, my path and my spirit with respect and honor."
What a joyous experience it is when at last you come to trust yourself.
Nov. 14, 2005
For whatever reason, I didn't bother to update on the 11th, which was my 1 monthiversary. But the grand total as of that date was that I was down 21 lbs since the surgery and 33.5 overall and two full dress sizes, and *18* inches over the entirety of my body!! I only wish I had measurments from my heighest weight so that I could compare. I was able
to get into the size 18 NON STRETCHY jeans with no problem that morning...so something is working. :)
Alas, I seem to be in that joyous pre-menstrual stall space, so I can't really say that anything has changed in the past few days. But that's normal. Doesn't freak me out... I expect this whole process to be filled with stops and starts, frustrations and triumphs, highs and lows. One thing that has been made crystal clear to me from the research I've
done and the input I've gotten from this site...nothing comes easy, and nothing is a given.
One of the things I find myself disagreeing about with most of the people on this site is the habit of daily weighing. I absolutely see how some folks can obsess and judge themselves incredibly harshly by the whim of the Scale Gods. But I've been charting my progress every day... adjusting the weight on my pedometer to get a more accurate assessment of the calories i've burned in a given activity, entering the info on the MDpostop site so that I can really get a picture of the overall outlook. Everything ebbs and flows, so I just want to be able to put it all together as I look at a given month and see what was going on during the times when the scale didn't move for a few days. Maybe it was "that time of the month". Maybe I didn't exercise as much. Maybe I didn't get all of my liquids in. Who knows unless you really keep a good log? Only by keeping track of it all will I get an accurate picture of my patterns.
It's been weird few days food wise. I'm right in between the the soft food and solid food stage, and I'm really finding that I am so BORED with soft foods that I'm pushing the culinary envelope just a tad to see what i can tolerate. Turns out... i still need to stick to seafood, ground turkey and mushy veggies. Tried chicken and some stirfried greenbeans last night and both of those were a no go. Tried ground beef the day before and that was dicey, too. Okay... we'll wait a week or so and try again. (I'm just hoping that I can at least TASTE the turkey on Thanksgiving day!) I'm finding, actually, that my main problem is slowing down. I was really good about it at first, but my typical impatience with all things slow is asserting itself and I try to take too big a bite or too many bites too quickly. I think maybe it's time to take out the egg timer.
Nov. 9, 2005
Oh, Slackus Me-us! (Latin for "I'm such a pathetic slacker.) It just seems like everything that has happened in the last couple of weeks has happened so slowly or incrementally that it wasn't worth a mention here. But I guess that 's the point of this whole journey...it's all a series of moments and small battles (hopefully victorious) every day. Still-- two weeks is too long. Oh well, as they say, "Time's fun when you're having flies." :)
Not that I'm having flies-- too tough on my tender tummy. (Ick!) For now, we're sticking to sashimi, tuna salad, and occasional ground meats and soft veggies. And I can really only handle 1-1.5 ounces of whatever it is at a time, so I'm still getting the majority of my protein from shakes/drinks. I've felt a tad nauseated once or twice, but I've never thrown up, so I must be interpreting my body's signals pretty well. I really think that's half the battle right there...most poeple who seem to have a lot of trouble with the transition may HEAR their bodies telling them what it can handle and what it can't... but they don't LISTEN.
I'm using these teeny tiny seafood forks and demitasse spoons and serving myself on little tea saucers, but it's still a weird thing to look at 2 ounces of food on your plate and thinking "My God, that's a lot of food." Wacky! But what a lovely thing to be eating some real food! I'm still testing the waters...somethings sit better than others. But I've been pouring over cookbooks and recipe forums and discovering all sorts of lovely things that I'm *so* looking forward to making. I've always been a pretty good cook, I just never had the inclination to do it on an every night basis. Well-- now, I pretty much don't have a choice if I want to be sure of what I'm putting in my body. So-- here comes
the inclination! Matthew is very pleased since he enjoys my cooking. And our bank account is pleased that we aren't eating out 5-6 nights a week. And his belly is pleased that it, too, is shrinking! Such a bonus!
So-- speaking of shrinking...I continue to do so steadily. As of this morning, I had officially lost 20lbs since the surgery and 32.5lbs over all. Now we're getting somewhere! Tomorrow is measurement day, so we'll see what kind of inch loss we're talking, but I've lost two dress sizes, so that afore mentioned bag of clothes is going to come in very
handy VERY soon. I found all of these lovely skirts I'd completely forgotten about, and several pairs of jeans in varying sizes, so hopefully I won't need to do any transitional shopping for a good long while. I'm gonna hold off on that until I can actually go into a store and buy
something that I know I can wear for more than a month! And with any luck, I'll be in a pretty steady size by the time our cruise comes along at the end of April.
Oh yes, you heard me... We booked a 10 day cruise to Mexico for our anniversary on May 1!! Oh, and it's not just any ole cabin we got, no sir... we got a SUITE. With BUTLER SERVICE. Holy mother of all things good and fine... we're going to have a BUTLER!!! I just might pass out from the dizzy heights we're scaling. Anywho, a cruise is a wonderful excuse to get in as good a shape as I possibly can so that I can snorkle and dive with the dolphins and wear something slinky and drop dead femme-fatale-y on formal night. Oh my friends.. cruising as a size 10 (?) is going to be a miraculous thing. No holds barred...except maybe the
midnight buffet. ;)
Everyone always talks about how fabulous the food is on cruises and how much they always gain when they go. But Celebrity has made a concerted effort to give healthier options (an entire Spa Cafe where I will mostly likely eat lunch every day) and lots of opportunities to be active and explore. And since my folks will actually be joining us, (totally different decks...we're close, but there *are* limits. ;)) I've promised my dad that I would join him in the gym every day that we're not doing something active in port. And maybe this is something that my tiny stomach is causing, but I really find that i'm not all that interested in the food. I'm far more interested in the activities and the ports.
And...of course... the butler. ;)
Oct. 28, 2005
8 whole days since I've written anything here! You'd think I had nothing to say! (Anyone who has read this missive knows that that's not true. ;))
As of this morning, I was down 13.5 pounds since the surgery and 26 lbs over all. I'm finally seeing my jaw line again!!
I just spent my first week back at work, and aside from that fact that it's work, it has been just dandy. It was actually really nice to get back into my quasi-normal routine. I was going a bit stir crazy at home. (And even though he won't say it to my face, I'm sure Matthew is happy to have his own space back as well since he works at home.) The piles that were waiting for me here weren't as big or nasty as I'd anticipated...it was a good decision to take off mid-month. I'm not usually that smart. ;)
Lots of firsts this week, actually. Tuesday was the first time I ate anything "lumpy", which has been kind of hit or miss. Turns out I'm okay with cottage cheese, mostly pureed split pea soup, and scrambled egg subsitute, but real eggs don't seem to like me. I tried one the first morning of my new "stage" and could only eat half of it. Odd thing to
look at a single scrambled egg on your plate and suddenly think "My god, that's huge!" I tried again last night for dinner, but it really gives me the reflux ickies, so i'm laying off eggs for a while. I'm supplementing with protein drinks, and also adding (slooowly) yogurt, SF/FF pudding (with a scoop of protein powder added...Stallone's got nothing on me!!) and those little laughing cow cheese wedges.
The coordinator of the bariatric program at CPMC called me to see how I was getting along and asked me a question to which my answer surprised me. She asked me what I thought my problematic foods would be once I was back on solids, and the first thing that came out of my mouth was "potatoes". Really? Potatoes? Not chocolate, not fresh sourdough bread, not the amazing coconut rice at our local Burmese hole-in-the-wall? Nope-- potatoes. And I realized later that it was because most of the bad-for-me things that I seem to be craving right now are the salty/crunchy/fried things...fries, chips, hashbrowns, etc. But I really think most of that is a texture thing... I'm heartily sick of slurping/ drinking my dinner. I really want to bite down on something and feel it on my teeth. All things in good time, I know. But patience has never been one of my virtues. :)
I don't have any pain except for some residual tenderness on a couple of my incision sites. One of them isn't healing quite as quickly as the others...I think it's the one from which they removed my stomach so it's a bit bigger. They close them with a special glue instead of stitches, so as it heals, it flakes off and eventually you're left glue-free. The other 4 incision sites are fine, but I managed to yank off some of the glue on the big one too early when I put on a shirt too soon after a shower and the glue stuck to my shirt. When I pulled it free, off came a fair amount of the glue. Yipes. So it's not as closed as the others, and it's a bit red around the edges. I don't think it's infected, (the "bible" says that you shouldn't worry about it unless the red area is 1/2 inch or more around the wound and mine is about 1/8 inch.) So, i've been putting neosporin on it, and a gauze pad so that it will have a breathable cover. I have my first follow up with my surgeon on Monday, so I'll ask him then. I'm hoping that I don't end up with a big ole scar, but, if I do, c'est la vie... that's the least of my worries. It's not as if I wanted to wear midriff bearing shirts or a bikini anyway.
;)
Okay, maybe I lied when i said I don't have any pain. What I should have said was: I don't have any directly surgically- caused pain. What I do have, however, are nasty monthly- related cramps for which i can't take any pain meds that work!! Tylenol has never done anything for me, and I can't take any NSAIDS yet so no Advil or Aleve for me. SO for now, I'm just toughing it out. So there's another first-- my first period in 20 years for which I haven't taken any drugs. That's gotta be worth a mention. :)
The last mention-worthy first is that today I am wearing blue jeans for the first time in over a year. I flat out refused to buy more jeans when I got too heavy to fit into my size 20's. As a matter of fact, it was like pulling teeth for me to buy ANYTHING once I grew out of that size. I've been wearing the same two skirts pretty much every day to
work for a year with about 5 shirts/sweaters that I rotate. And everything is getting a bit threadbare. Part of it was that I hated to spend money on clothes that i was pretty much guaranteed to hate because everything that would fit me looked like it was made my omar the tentmaker. But on some level, I just didn't want to reward myself for getting fatter. Wearing the same old clothes was some sort of penance for my behavior. I bought only what was absolutely necessary and not a single thing more. But I decided to take a chance today and see if my old jeans fit, and TA DAAA! And buried in the closet is a huge hefty bag full of older smaller sizes that I flat out refused to get rid of just in case I ever actually did something that would allow me to wear them again. And now I know why I saved the damn things and even dragged them with me when I moved into a place with much smaller closets...because in the next three weeks or so, I have a feeling that I'm going to be doing some MAJOR closet cleaning to make space for what's in that bag.
Yippeee!
Oct. 20, 2005
Several people have asked me about what it was that made me finally decide to do this...what was the proverbial straw? And the first thing that popped out was when I pulled out of my best friend's wedding back in March.
Yes, for about 24 hours, I was fully prepared to back out of her wedding because I just couldn't face the idea of being the Fat Bridesmaid. I didn't want the rest of the maids to have to pick a dress based on my extreme body type. I couldn't handle the idea of standing up there in a purple dress in front of 100 people having dozens of pictures taken of me...memorializing my lard for all time. (I don't know if I've mentioned this here, but I used to be a professional opera singer, so for me to so shun any kind of spotlight and fear being in front of people is a HUGE thing.) And so I actually wrote the bride a letter, some of which which I've pasted below:
--"I love you and consider you one of the dearest friends I've ever had, so you need to know that this has nothing to do with you... it's entirely my own issue. But i have realized that I am supremely uncomfortable with the idea of being a bridesmaid, and I think I should probably not be one.
I don't know if I've really expressed it to you, as such, but I have been incredibly unhappy in my own skin for a long while now, (probably more so than at any other time in my life) and the thought of standing up in front of a bunch of people for any reason is tremendously unappealing... no matter what kind of clothing i'm wearing, but especially not in anything bridesmaid-like. Even if we were all in our own dresses, I just can't stand the thought of drawing any kind of attention to myself right now. It's ridiculous and I feel like a complete idiot for allowing it to affect me like this, but there it is. I just can't make myself okay with being observed for any reason right now.
I know it's your wedding day... people will be looking at you, not me. The day isn't about me in any way shape or form, and you deserve to have your closest friends surrounding and supporting you 100%. But I can't deny the fact that I feel really conspicuous, and very much like my issues are affecting the entire bridal party. I've been the obese
bridesmaid once before in my life and it was pretty miserable-- making everyone conform to styles that would look somewhat acceptable on me, and then having to have the dress custom made anyway. It was uncomfortable for everyone involved and I felt really badly about it. I've already noticed that I've been putting in waaay too many ultimatums about this dress, and it's affecting everyone.
I hate the fact that I've allowed myself to get this way both
physically and emotionally. I got on the scale this morning for the first time in many months and low and behold: I've reached a point I never thought I'd get to... I'm officially morbidly obese, (100 lbs over my ideal weight) and I'm scared as hell. **(Editors note: I'd actually been officially M.O. for many years based on the BMI scale, but this was based on what i perceived to be MY ideal weight of 160.)** But even if i went on a major diet and exercise binge RIGHT NOW and actually stuck to it (which we all know isn't too likely based on my past history), I'd still be a long way from anywhere comfortable by the time your wedding came around, and as you said, the dresses have to be decided this week.
It's my own fault for allowing myself to get into this situation from the get go and not doing something about it earlier...I'm mad as hell at myself and trying to work out how to direct that into some actual motivation to get healthy. But instead I just find myself discouraged. Again, these are totally my own issues, and I need to work them out, but I don't want to do it at the expense of negatively impacting your wedding day in any way, shape or form.
I don't know what to do...maybe I could just help you coordinate stuff on that day behind the scenes? I want to help you and I want to be a part of your day. But I am really *really* conflicted about being a bridesmaid. I think it would be much easier for everyone concerned if I participated in some other way."--
And as I sent it, my heart just broke as I realized that I'd actually just let my fat/lack of willpower/total denial prevent me from celebrating my best friend on the most important day of her life thus far.
The bride, being the mindbogglingly amazing creature that she is, was having none of it. True to form, she first expressed her understanding of my pain and frustration and told me that she would respect my decision no matter what. (She's had her weight battles, too, though not to the same extent.) And then she said somethings that were a MAJOR wakeup call: (I hope she doesn't mind if I just pull quotes out of the letter)
-- "If you are worried about ruining something/not being perfect/ making my wedding not perfect/ making the other girls do something that they think isn't perfect, DON'T!!! There is no such thing as perfect. I dont want a perfect wedding or perfect dresses or perfect friends. I want to be married to the man I love with all the people that I love there. And I want real friends, the exact ones that I have, exactly as they are, to be there standing beside me. Just know that I want you up there with me, and I will do ANYTHING it takes to make that happen. We can choose ANY dress that you think may be good. And don't worry about imposing on the others. They know what it feels like to want to be comfortable too, and no one would say having a specific dress is more important than having you. I know that for sure. Dresses are dresses. Our friends are everything."--
This, among other things, made me cry like a big ole baby. And I finally pulled my head from my prodigious butt and realized that I was being a complete idiot. First of all, how could I possibly have made the whole situation about me in the guise of "protecting" her?? That's some pretty good twisting of motive, right there. My god-- this was her wedding, her day. No one was going to give a shit what the bridesmaids were wearing or what we looked like...they would all be staring with wonder at the stunning bride (which they did because she truly was) and her fabulous groom. I needed to just get over myself and realize that pulling out of that wedding would be the most selfish thing I'd ever done. And so I just bit the bullet, bought same purple dress as everyone else, got as far back into "Diva Mode" as I could and just put on the show. And even though I still felt uncomfortable and self- concious, by the time the actual ceremony started, it just didn't matter...it was a lovely wedding and we all had a great time. I even gave a toast. :)
So-- that was the straw that practically killed that poor old camel. That was the day that I realized that something drastic needed to be done because I was obviously incapable of doing it alone. And while I'd never considered WLS as a serious option since I couldn't deal with the
malabsorptive stuff that came with it, I started to look just to see what else was around. And a few weeks later, I came upon a story about how Blue Cross CA was starting to cover something I'd never heard of called the "Lap Band". I didn't end up going with that, (or with my insurance, for that matter) but that's what got me started on this journey.
And while I'm sure that I'll cringe whenever I see the photos of me from that wedding, I will endeavor never to forget the fact that my choices have impacts and ripples that deeply affect not only myself, but the people I love the best.
And I will try NEVER to pass up a chance to wear a purple dress in front of a crowd again. ;)
About Me
Oakland, CA
Location
37.3
BMI
Surgery
10/11/2005
Surgery Date
Sep 14, 2005
Member Since
