michi

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happy new year almost there.

Funny how we measure our progress as if it can not change. I had it all mapped out I would be 160 ish by 10/12 at the rate I was losing, never dawned on me weight loss might fluctuate or stall. So goal revised, come b-day I'd be int the 100's well I did get to 204. So that's what I missed but what did I hit...... I'm  44lbls less then this time last year. I'm a size 12/14 and I can lay on my back and flip my legs up and over my head so my  toes touch the ground by the top of my head. I choose clothes more by how they look and less by what they hide.  I take pictures of myself I no longer fear the camera's image of me and I see hope at the end of the tunnel. I've gone to the beach in a bathing suite and got a tan lines, I got a belly button again and this time my body didn't reject it, guess threes a charm. Slow or fast I'm still losing and I'm not afraid I'll yoyo it all back on. I still have weight loss goals I have a dr's appoint 11/6 and i will be in th 100's. sometimes I get off track and slip but i don't fall down and I don't stay there, slow and steady really is winning the race. So I've learned it's better to lose 4 and keep it off then to lose 40 and gain it all back! 

on 9/27th I reached my 5th month post op. From 269lbs I'm now at 206lbs. from size 18-20 I'm now size 12-14.  On 9/28 and a whim I got  my belly button pierced, I felt my body wasn't ready and no one was going to see it.  it was my  fifteen year old daughter who encouraged me to do it, do it for you she said, it doesn't matter if anyone else sees it, it's for your eyes. So I did. I had it done before but both times it rejected. I was bigger both times before and my stomach stuck out more, often the ring was uncomfortable and ached. This time, so far, it does not, I don't even notice it  is there.  I can not see it as well as I did with the other 2 piercing though. My tyummy is wrinkly and the buttom of the ring seems to be hidedn in my belly button. Once healed I can get a more visible one that dangles like I want, but until then I did it.....for me!

Saturday I went  to Jones Beach. I didn't feel physically ready. I'm having a big nude issue. I'm losing faster then my skin can keep up so the remaining fat just flops around and though I'm smaller I'm flabbier and it looks horrible to me, when I was bigger I was firmer. But that aside I had a pretty good time. It was me, my girls and a good friend with her girls. I didn't move much from the comfort of the pack. My girlfriend wore a 2 piece for the first time in years , she hated her stretch marks, but decided why not she too had a huge weight loss and she had no reason to hide.  I saw lower stomach pouches, muffin/love handles, stretch marks, loose skin, flab, flat butts, flat breast  and celulitte for days,  and no one  looked as good close up as they seem to look from a far.  So nobody really is perfect and nobody seemed to care, you looked, liked or not and you move on, life goes on. So Yes I kept my still hard to face flapping thighs covered with a wrap but I let the rest hang out. I saw better bods, I even saw just as bad, but mostly what I saw was I can do this, the kids had a blast and I went to the beach for the first time in over 10 years and I wore a bathing suit , a black one with the built on skirt and I'll be going again next  year , looking better then I did this year! 

Had my follow up visit, it was 2 months since last one and next one's in 3 months, he's weaning me off, LOL. I'm down 21lbs not bad since he estimated 25 and up until 2 weeks ago it was 12 although his scale was 3lbs more,  but it was 1:35pm and I was fully dressed.  And speaking of dressed my BMI hasgone down from 49 to 39 at this rate I'll be plain fat in no time now LOL. BUT on another note I fit a size 16/18 this puzzles me, pleases me but but puzzles me. 20 years ago give or take a year I weighed 165 and wore a size 16 how can I be 52 lbs heavy and wear nearly the same size? are they making close bigger now?

My doc was looking for a 25lb lost by my next vist. I did about 10. Well the last week i have been focusing on my eating and the rules of my pouch. I was seemingly stuck at 226 for 3 weeks including up and down water weight gain. but just by following the rules I have dropped 3 lbs in 4 days. I drink water inbetween meals,  i don't drink  a 1/2hr before or after a meal and I stop when I'm full and a BIGGIE  I don't snack pick or graze inbetween, except healthy like fruit IF I MUST. I plan my daily intake usually the night before and make all effort to stick to it and snacking is back to mostly icees. Also I have found myself more picky about what i eat when it's all you get you want it to be the best including taste wise. I'm practicing hard  to slow down eating but I still have to catch myself, it's almost as if I forget I have the pouch.  I realize now one of my biggest eating downfalls probably was eating way too fast causing me to eat way too much by the time I realized I was full. It apparently can take up to 20 minutes for the brain to register that you are full. I'm still struggling with how I'm losing weight from the top down. I really want to see my stomach and inner thighs go bye bye. Now my stomach's developing a lower pouch like somebody just pasted on layers of fat, even my thighs seemed padded. Anyway I delayed my check in until 8/14 it was originally 8/7, hopefully I will have lost enought to walk in there felling like I'v done my part althiough I haven't exercised in 3 weeks or more, pooh.

It's been 16 days since my last blog, but more importantly since 6/4 I have lost 10-12lbs, the same 10-12 I've beeen holding at for the last 16 days. I'm suppose to see my doc on 8/4 and he was looking for a weight lost of about 25lbs, which i thought (at the time) was way to little. So I have 2 weeks to lose 13-15lbs, oh great. So what's going on? well I have not been properly using my tool. How? mostly bad calories, grazing, and snacking, no exercise. Why? emotional...bordem, no matter what I do none of it gives me the joy I found in food, that immediate(athough short lived) satisfaction of eating, funny thing is now even eating doesn't do it, I'm full way before I'm emotionally satisfied, so I slowly keep eating, henceforth the grazing. I miss seeing my doc more often, the visits helped to keep me accountable. I have no idea how much i should or should not be eating at this point or how many calories I should be consuming, although my doc doesn't really do the focus on cal thing, he sees it from the  idea if you only eat items from the list til you're full you can't go wrong. I guess what also amazes me is that I have lost inches and I haven't gained them back and I'm flucuating 1-3 lbs so why is it sometimes I feel fatter? like my stomach is bigger or I look dumpy. and for the last 11 days I have been retaining water on and off, my feet look like I'm pregnant (which I'm not). Why so emotional lately, humm... isolation, yes I'm spending more time around other people then I have in years yet I feel more isolated then ever. I've also been spending way too much time focusing on things that have little to do with my own personal growth especailly love interest.  Well I'm here again which is a good thing and I want to get back on track.  My biggest thing is that I get caught up in speed, patience is not my strong point.  I feel like everything is just taking so long to happen, another reason I need to stay in tough with my wls program it reminds me if I am losing perspective. I had my surgery 4/27 which to date is one day shy of 3 months, yet it seems longer. 40lbs  wieght lost average in 3 months is not bad and I'd gladly take another 40lbs off in the next 3 months, rather than lose nothing. :o)

Wed weighed 226 thurs 229 today 228. A fellow bypasser says it's just water weight fluctuation, I prayer so. On my 6/4 check-up, I weighed 238 my Dr. said for my next visit 8/4 I should be down 25lbs. I really thought it should be more then that, but now I don't even see how I'll  lose that much.  I was telling my bypass friend that I see the before/afters where people lost 70-80-90lbs in 6-7-8 months and I don't see me even coming close the way I seem to be losing so slowly, she laughs and tells me it's not a contest.  She is past her 1 year anniversary, lost over 120lbs but she's been having a lot of issues lately, very anemic, she's had to have another blood transfusion, she had one last year too. She's been looking at all the risk with WLS she wasn't aware of, hernias, gallstones, anemia etc, I was aware of these things so I wasn't surprised. See she did not have the surgery simply by choice she had 3 forms of heart aliments going on and she had to lose the weight or risk assured pre-mature death, she chose the surgery and never concerned herself with the other risk. She's so awed now with the risk that she's starting a website. I did think it was funny that a few days before she learned all the risks I had this dream that I kept getting hernias all over my abdomen they just kept popping up even where I didn't have an incision. Lately I have been concerned with malnutrition issues down the line since I'm having a hard time taking  my vitamins. I get nauseous whenever I take them and whether it's  before or after I've eaten doesn't seem to matter.

The 4th fell on a Saturday so I had Friday the 3rd off from work as well. I had looked into some possible events but all fell through so I spent the 4th declaring my independence by cleaning the house. Which was actually a good thing. You see my girls are out of town with my sister for the summer and I have, short of working,  much wanted free time on my hands and though I do not wish to spend it doing housework it's nice to have gotten much of it done and see it stay done for a change. It was a climatically beautiful day. Sun shinning, windows open, smell of barbquing,  fireworks going off beautiful day. Funny thing is I wasn't too concerned with not going to any cookouts. See I don't eat much, if I can finish a half cup at anyone time it's amazing and I find the food always smells better these days then it actually taste. Sometimes I think my taste buds don't work anymore. As much as I relish the lost of weight and look forward to reaching my goal, I kind of  miss the emotional joy I once got from eating. That physical feeling of fullness that I just don't get from eating now, I  even miss the feeling of having stuffed myself sometimes.  Ahh to eat one whole cheese burger with bun, a couple of barbgued ribs, a hot dog and  some mac and cheese.  I found taking 30 mintues to finish a meal is not the hard part I actually like eating out and slowing down how fast I finish, but chewing a gazillion times until all the flavor is gone before I can finally swallow, now that's hard,  it seems to take something away from the whole reason for eating. But I do find it easier to eat slower when I'm out with others then when I'm eating alone or at home.
I used to look forward to eating events and now I'm not as thrilled. My girl friend invited me to Wings N Things and I thought to myself , Why? so I can have a wing and maybe a thing. Not that I can't enjoy the just being there. Last month my job did their annual values day event which included barbque and I had a cheese burger, no bun, a few bites, grilled chicken a few bites,  macaroni salad a few bites, cole slaw a few bites,  the hot dogs were nasty, no bites and a Mr Softee ices.  Thing is the company was good as was the food for the most part although I had maybe a 12 cup in total. Last week I went to a kids bitrthday party in the park. I had some mac and cheese it was delicious, a meatball, some rice, some chicken a 3 bean salad hadn't had that in a long time,  it was also good, she knew about my surgery so she put maybe a tablespoon of each, which of course I still couldn't finish. So for the 4th of July I cleaned, watched a movie  ate a piece of baked fish, a half bag of microwaved popcorn and too many ices to count.  Independence: the freedom not to have to.......anything. 

Sometimes I feel  that at the rate I seem to be losing and there are days I don't lose at all, that I will never have the phenominal weight lost I see when I review others before and after pics, that 80lbs gone in 6 months  kind of thing.  Like this week  I seemed to be on a roll. I was hovering at 231-232 a week or so, then last sunday I came down to 229,  by thursday 226, now today friday up 227, I was really thinking I'd see 225 today and I kind of  bummed out when I didn't see the lose and actually saw a gain.   I know, or at least I should know from years of dieting that weight can flucuate day to day for many reasons, but this still does not comfort me and I still get bothered to see no lost and even so much as a half pound gain, like what did I do wrong or what could I have done differently, maybe I shouldn't eat at all.   So in an effort to remain positive I reminded myself that I am not just losing weight but I'm also losing inches and it has been 2 days shy of a month since I last measured in so lets see how that's going.  Well since 6/4 I've lost  2 inches off my waist, 1 inch each off my thighs ,calf,  neck, chest and hips. Since my only other recorded body mesaurements from years ago I've lost a total of 5 inches off my waist, 2 inches off my chest and 4 inches off my hips.  So why am I not jumping for joy? Because I'm not an inches person,  I'm a pounds person. I measure my progress by the scale, and what I see in the mirror and in pics of my self, not by loser fitting clothes,  not by the compliments of others. I weigh in everyday, I've been advised by very nice people who appear to also have been pounds people that I should stopping doing that , but  it's like an addiction. I really feel compelled to weigh in which is all the more reason I probably need to stop doing it.  I have actually felt lighter /thinner like hey I must have lost mad weight just to get on the scale and see the numbers went up. I actually  joined an  onlie team once for people who need to stop weighing in more then once a week. As I see it yes it's physhcological...you see the one thing all of my weight loss successes had in common was that I weighed in everyday , when I'd stop weighing in daily wham I've gained it all back plus. Weighing in is my way of holding me accountable, but sometimes it takes a toll on my spirit. So today I'm going to  pick when I'm am going to weigh in and weigh in ONLY then and I'm certainly going to make sure I love what I am wearing when I go outside.