Darla S.
Hey, remember me?
Apr 28, 2014
I haven't been on here in a shameful amount of time... But yesterday was my 7 year 'surgiversary', and I've been reflecting on so much that has changed in my life since receiving the gift of WLS.
As I shared in the last post from January 2013, I have since been divorced. We were able to do the whole thing surprisingly amicably, and our relationship as NON-spouses is better than it's been in many years. Maybe a lot of that is because I can just say 'goodbye' when our conversations turn unpleasant. But the 'kids' (17 & 21) seem to have taken it pretty well, and overall it's been a blessing to be released from such an unhappy, toxic relationship.
Yes, I've gained about 10 pounds throughout the whole ordeal, but I'm not terribly concerned. The winter also sucked, and I hear a lot of people saying they've put on a few simply because it was too blasted COLD this year to get outside and be active! I KNOW that's been the case with me, in addition to some stress eating. But I also know I can - and WILL - take it off now that the dust has pretty much settled.
Through the whole process, I decided to sell the house. It ended up being a short sale, but whatever - I really didn't want the responsibility of being a homeowner at this stage. I am renting a 3 bd 2.5 ba townhome just a few miles from where I used to live, and really enjoy the peace of mind that comes with having a caretaker to call whenever something goes wonky. Sure, I have to put up with things not being just how I might like them to be (crappy paint job, leaky faucets, a weak dishwasher, yada yada yada...) But, it's all fine for the time being. My son moved with me - we've been incredibly good 'roommates' ever since his dad moved out of the house last year. My daughter moved back in with us in February - she had been living with her bf for 9 months, but wasn't getting anywhere with her life. I think things are finally starting to click with her, she's starting to realize she has to put effort into her life to get any benefit out of it. But I'll say no more about that for fear of jinxing anything!
I'm still working the hobby job, enjoying and very grateful for it. Oh sure, it cuts into what COULD be 'down time', but it pays opposite weeks of my full-time job, and I really like having $ coming in every week. Besides, if any of the old farts I sell lottery tickets to ever wins big, I'll have me a sugar daddy for sure!!
As for 'down time'? WTH is that??? My life has become extremely busy! In addition to working about 55-60 hours/week, I have been dating - enjoying the hell out of it, but frustrated at the same time. Seems like when it rains, it pours - I find myself with more than I'm comfortable with! It's insanely flattering and encouraging, while at the same time very confusing. There are two men in particular that I've been getting to know over the past couple of months. Both seem sincerely interested in me. They are very different men, and I find myself annoyingly attracted to both of them. I never, in my entire life, could have envisioned myself in this position, but I feel like I need to choose. Which feels unbelievably arrogant. And I don't even know how to make such a choice, much less how to end things with one of them. It's both exciting, and devastating. Me? Possibly hurt someone?? I'm so much more familiar being on the receiving end of hurt, it's been deeply ingrained in me over the course of my life.
I guess it's a good problem to have. WLS made it possible.
I'm there.
Jan 31, 2013
Yup, heading for divorce. I didn't bring it up before the holidays, been doing some reading and research on how to do it without having to spend a ton of $ we don't have on lawyers. It came up 2 days after my recent birthday - and much as he cried and all, he has agreed to make the effort to be as cooperative and amicable as possible. Hell, we're still sleeping in the same bed for now, gotta figure a lot of things out. But I sure do have a sense of peace, and HOPE!, now that it's out there. He let it slip to our daughter, but we still have to tell our son. I truly don't believe he's going to be shocked. Rich punched another hole in another wall on the 14th. Trav saw it and didn't even say anything. We intended to tell him this weekend, but now he asked if a buddy can come stay. Not going to do it in front of his friend.
All I know is - it's a relief. He hasn't been any happier than I have been, at least as far as SEX is concerned. He's just so dependent on me for every. frickin'. little. thing. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted - sometimes, I would even say dead inside. But not much longer.
Ashamed
Aug 31, 2012
Anyway, I've found that all the stresses in my life don't get better just by virtue of my waiting for things to get better. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that I probably need to DO something about it all. I'm 50, not getting any younger, but not willing to live the rest of my life the way it has been for quite a few years now - and that is, unhappy. I should clarify - my marriage is unhappy. I'm not abused, but I'm just losing my ability to tolerate all the issues that are so deeply imbedded in my husband. I fear reaching the end of my life, looking back and thinking 'Well, THAT sucked" even more than I fear the "D" word.
So, I have all but made up my mind that I will be taking that route in the next 6-12 months. Not going to rush it, terrified for what it will do to my kids, but they're teens - hell, my daughter will be 20 soon. SURELY they know things aren't peachy with their parent's marriage. We don't fight a lot, but when we do have arguements, my spouse tends to flip out and SCREAM. There is no middle ground when it comes to conflict. He either denies it, or RAGES. Just one of the things I can no longer tolerate.
What amazes me, as far as WLS is concerned, is that somehow, I'm still maintaining. My jeans still fit snugger some days and looser others, but I have not left the 10 pound range I've been in for close to 4 years. That's pretty cool.
So, there you have it, another marriage bites the dust. Or will, anyway. Thing is, the reasons I can't stay married have nothing to do with my WLS. They were all firmly entrenched in our relationship well before I ever considered WLS. IF my weight loss has contributed in any way, it has given me the self-confidence to believe that I won't necessarily have to spend the rest of my life alone. I get enough attention from men now that, if and when I ever feel ready to explore a new relationship, I just might be able to find someone. IF. Right now, solitude sounds pretty damned appealing. Well, as much as I can have solitude with my kids and pets.
For any of you reading this that know me personally, I don't want this shared with anyone, least of all my husband. I'm not there yet.
So much for that...
Nov 04, 2011
Hubby got laid off again. Daughter is still a mountain-sized source of stress in my life, and I had other bad/sad news handed to me this week.
Life is grand.
You've GOT to be kidding me!
Sep 21, 2011
So since April... (seriously???) My son has been confirmed, my daughter graduated from high school. For whatever reason I can't explain (except, perhaps, for a lack of $$), I haven't gone to ValleyFair ONCE this summer! Part of me finds that disturbing, part of me just really never felt the urge to go.
My weight - I have gained about 20 pounds from my lowest (not just since April, but overall). Not happy about that, but I'm not beating myself up, either. I'm still in 14's, although I also wear some 16's just so I don't have to buy more clothes. The thing is, it's never over. I've been bouncing around in the same 10 pound range for about a year. Much as I still want to lose more, I guess I've essentially been maintaining. I KNOW if I get serious, I can get back on the losing train, and I know at some point, I will do just that. If the stress ever lets up a bit.
I've been struggling with my daughter - she's got another loser boyfriend that I just can NOT warm up to, HER weight problem is getting worse, and she's so sensitive it scares me out of saying anything. Hell, it took ME to the age of 45 to do something about MY weight, because it had to come from within. If/when she's ready to get serious, I'll be all over it. Because I KNOW how much better life is in a normal body! I want that for her. I want her to feel that this ISN'T as good as it gets, she CAN have a better guy in her life, and she DESERVES that - and more! My inner control freak is just having a hard time with it all.
After being laid off for more than 2 years, my husband FINALLY has a job with a painting company - not the greatest pay, but steady, and that's worth quite a bit in itself. At about the same time he got hired, I took on a part time job at a local grocery store. Oddly enough, I really enjoy it! But they have had me working quite a bit more than I signed on for... I told them I was looking for two, maybe three shifts/week, and they've had me on a LOT more than that. Yes, they asked, because they've lost a number of college students this time of year and need to hire/train a few more people. But damn - last week I worked 30 hours there IN ADDITION to my full time job! 70 hours in 7 days. I'm damn near 50 years old, that was a bit much. I'll have to gently remind them that I'm hoping for only 15-20 hours/week, tops. But the 'extra' $ has been nice - not that it's EXTRA money, but it sure helps get the bills paid! It has made eating decent rather challenging, tho. When I work an evening shift, I have to drive straight from my full time job to that one, leaving no time for a meal. And I only get a 15 minute break around 7-7:30, so yeah - dinner is challenging. I usually eat something when I get home after 10pm, just because I know I need to. But I hate eating so close to bed time.
** sigh ** Oh well, that's my life in a nutshell. Still hanging in there, and I guess I should be thankful for that. Although I'd much rather win the lottery and not have to work all the time just to make ends meet. I envy those who don't.
My 4 year surgiversary
Apr 27, 2011
I've lost enough weight to create a 'plus-sized' supermodel, and my life has improved in ways I never dreamed of. I'm not going to list them all here, I've posted many of them before. My profile has 4 years worth of entries chronicling much of my journey for anyone who cares to read any of it...
I've also had more struggles in the past 2+ years than ever before, although none of it has been related to my weight loss - getting healthy doesn't automatically mean life will be happy all the way around, chit happens. But I believe that had I continued down the super ginormous morbidly obese road I was on, I could very well have killed myself by now. Stress eating has been my BIGGEST WLS-related challenge throughout it all.
Sometimes I'm good, sometimes I'm not. I have yet to see ONEDERLAND, but I'm a big girl - 5'11" - maybe I'll get there, maybe I won't. I refuse to beat myself up over a number. I made it down to size 14's from 34's and 36's, and I'm still IN those 14's. Some days they feel loose, some days they feel snug. I celebrate the fact that I can actually tell when there's a 3-5 pound fluctuation in my weight either way, because pre-op, I couldn't have noticed such a tiny difference.
I'm thankful to know I will always have my tool to help me, to be mindful of the fact that WLS is never 'over'. I feel sad when I think about all the people that have disappeared from OH and my beloved MG coffee group over the past several years, many of them because they harbor so much shame over having re-gained some of their weight. If you can't come here or to coffee to kick yourself in the butt and/or beg for support and encouragement, well, that's very sad, because there's no better place for such things. WE ALL GET IT.
I hope that each of you, no matter where you are in your journey, never lose touch with your tool, never forget the gift your surgeon gave you. No one said it would be easy, but it sure as hell is worth it.
Vacation ponderings (aka 160 pounds ago...)
Mar 08, 2011
I was too flipping busy having FUN to do too much pondering while I was there, but on the flight home and while looking at the pictures I have, many thoughts crossed my brain.
160 heavier, I would never have even CONSIDERED going on such a vacation. Because that would have required a long plane ride (seat belt extender, anyone?), lots of swimsuit time (did you see the beached whale???), and too damn much walking for my ginormous body - ESPECIALLY in soft sand! Can you say..... SINK??? Can you say.... painful inner thigh rash???
Although really, I could float with the best of 'em, so I always had THAT going for me.
But here I am, closing in on 4 years post-WLS, and - I WENT. I held the seatbelt out to it's maximum length WITHOUT an extender, and marveled at the fact that pre-wls, I couldn't fit in that huge loop. Now, I had more than a FOOT of extra belt. 160 pounds ago, I could have squeezed my ass in a seat, but my hips would hurt and then my lower body would go numb from constriction. Let's not discuss where the hell to hold my arms for 5 hours, so that I wasn't intruding on the person next to me. And FUGEDABOUT using an airplane bathroom. No. Frickin'. Way.
At the resort, there was lots of walking - around the grounds, several trips up and down the beach, from shops, to restaurants, to the pool, to the bar, to the beach, to the pool, to the room, to the lobby.... NO PROBLEM. Even if one of us forgot something up in the room, I had NO PROBLEM making an extra trip up there (top floor, no elevators) to get it. 160 pounds ago, that would have made me miserable. Just make me invisible and let me float the week away in the pool.
We stayed at an all-inclusive. In my former life, that would have meant ALL YOU CAN EAT, ALL DAY - EVERY DAY!!! But the food, while wonderful, wasn't even CLOSE to the top of my list! Oh, I had fun trying things I've never had before - goat, plantain, guava
(THAT is some sour chit!!!) - I ate mussels, lobster, fish I've never heard of... But honestly? It wasn't a pig-out at ALL! I tasted, but didn't gorge on anything. I made a white peasant skirt to wear as a cover-up over my swimsuit to hide my scrotum thighs, and I loved it! But it didn't take too long for me to leave it behind when just walking around the resort. I didn't feel at all like I was the flubberiest there. (Maybe I was, I mean my legs are pretty nasty, but I DIDN'T STRESS over it!) And if I had considered that I would be able to buy a wrap off one of the vendors and actually have it FIT, I might not have bothered with the skirt! But, I bought one anyway, just because I could (and because it looks FABULOUS!!!)
I danced non-stop. In the pool, in my chair at dinner, in the lobby, on the beach, at a disco - the music never stopped, and the men down there just LOVE an amazon woman! (I'm 5'11" - I'm pretty sure the average height for Dominican men is somewhere around 5'6"...)
We had to transfer from water taxi to bigger boats and back several times - 160 pounds ago, I would have skipped any excursions or boat rides, just to avoid that humiliation. But I popped between boats and/or climbed up ladders without a second thought - other than to be mildly amazed at how EASY it was for me! We went deep-sea fishing, and the opening to climb from the lower to the upper deck? Would NOT have fit through there before.
My smiler hurts, my body aches in places from so much activity and random clod-like moves. I have a few bruises, but more crazy happy memories than I could have ever imagined. It really, truly was the trip of a lifetime.
160 pounds ago, I wouldn't have even allowed myself to dream of going.
Thank GOD for WLS.
https://picasaweb.google.com/mndarlin/PuntaCanaTrip?authkey=Gv1sRgCNCRjIz6i6KKdw
Uff Da.
Feb 17, 2011
Then, this.
Nothing like having God smack you upside the head with a little perspective every once in a while.
Bailey was alone in the car when this happened. God himself and several angels were in the car with her - she's banged up, bruised and hurting, but no internal injuries, no broken bones, not even any surface wounds. Life HAS sucked for some time now. But Bailey's okay. Right now, that's all that really matters.
Oh well ~
Feb 04, 2011
Maybe I'll never see Onederland. But dammit, I'm gonna see Punta Cana!
So long, 2010
Dec 27, 2010
I'm not gonna lie, it's been one of the roughest years of my life - and unfortunately, I see no light at the end of the tunnel I'm in. None of it is WLS related, thankfully, but WLS is now a part of who I am, every single day, so i know it plays into the stresses. Sometimes I find myself stress eating, sometimes I'm so stressed I can hardly eat the things I NEED to eat.
I have made some of the most amazing friends here in the WLS world - at support group meetings, coffees, on OH... True friends who get it. Who understand the roller coaster I was on pre-WLS. Who have laughed with me and at me, who have cried with me and to me. Some of these friendships have become as essential to my life as water and protein, but sadly, some of them have run their course.
I got this message in an email today, and because we are smack in the middle of the Christmas season, it really spoke to me. I want to share it here. It's not new, but it is profound.
People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Thank you for being a part of my life, whether we’ve had a reason, a season or a lifetime.
I'm praying that 2011 brings a whole lot of positive changes to my life. I need some happy.
