Stupid seizures....

May 04, 2010

Yes I have them....dumbest things on the earth..complex partial maul seizures..... even the name is dumb.....  One minute I am doing whatever and then bam down I go...  Today I think I just want to curl up in a hole somewhere....  I am in water aerobics doing a bit of lesson planning and thinking about the gentleman that are calling me...I really like one of them. which is a bit scary for me...  but I am doing what the instructor is saying and then the room starts to idk, gets different...I feeling of YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE hits me...  its like a huge panic feeling and I have to find a quiet place where people cant stare at me and things will look very generic...very little stimulus....  I don't remember doing so...but somehow I got from the pool through the shallow pool where the kids play and some how up the ramp and into the women's locker room and into a changing area....  my friend Erin followed me... I knew someone was with me but had no idea who she was or why she wouldn't leave me.  The seizure got bad....I didn't know where I was or who I was or how I got there I could hear people talking but didn't know the voices and that made it worse....

....Erin kept holding my hand as I cried and tried to figure out who I was and where I was....  Once it passed she wouldn't let me go back to aerobics so I only got like 20mins in....  I am so embarrassed....I don't know what I'm gonna say when I go to work tomorrow (Oh I didn't mention....some co workers joined me for class today)  Let alone what I'm gonna say when I go back to the gym....

I AM SO SICK OF BEING DIFFERENT....would love to be just normal for a change.....  No workout for me today....and port is really hurting for some reason today.....like "bloated like"  idk.....  Erin says its stress but lets be honest....my life is always stress...I mean its what I do....body should be use to it by now.  Period.  One day I am gonna do something stupid like have a dumb seizure or something and people are gonna be just sick of it and wont be around me anymore...how could I blame them....  LOL...how would I explain it to a date...omg...I never even thought about that....  going outside.... maybe I can walk off a calorie or two.....stupid body....

Not sure what is going on with me....normally seizures only happen right before period or in second trimester of pregnancy.... neither is the case so idk.....wish I thought my class would be okay if I took some time...I would like to crawl under a rock somewhere....  why is it so much about me draws attention to self....first I'm fat as I can be....so I lose weight...still have a huge boobs that men stare at and smile...(no I don't like that attention),  I laugh like a cartoon character (Betty rubble), and tah dah seizures.... oh and I do have the band.... Oh to just be plain for a bit .....

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