Day 28

Jan 17, 2011

Okay, so to start off, I skipped day 27 because nothing happened. The only notable thing was that I cleaned the bathtub, which was pretty hard with my back, but I feel good knowing it's clean. I ate pretty well yesterday, and otherwise did nothing of note. (Which is sort of sad.)

Today, however, was a pretty full day. It didn't start out so great because I had a really graphic, crazy nightmare. I kept trying to wake myself up, but I'd dream I was awake and then suddenly I'd be back into the dream. It was so vivid that when i actually did wake up, I had a few moments of panic that I'd be back in the dream. I was shaking for like 15 minutes. I haven't had a nightmare like this since I was younger, and it really freaked me out. I actually couldn't eat for a couple of hours because it was affecting my stomach.

When I did eat, I had some reduced fat triscuits, turkey and hummus. I had been really craving chips so I got the triscuits to help with it, and it worked pretty well. I counted it as lunch, as by the time I ate it was too late for it to be breakfast. I really mismanaged my time today and it ended up biting me in the ass. I knew I had a support group in Englewood, but I should have checked the bus schedules sooner, because by the time I checked, I had to rush to get ready. So, I didn't eat before I went, figuring I could have Carlos grab me something when he picked me up. But, I didn't count on fraudulent charges on my account, so we can't use our card. Meaning I only had the money for the bus, and Carlos only had the card. So, I didn't have anything to eat from 12pm to 8:30pm. WAAAAAAYY too long. I was ravenous when I got home from the support group. I gave in to my craving and ordered food from the diner, because I wanted turkey bacon. I did order a healthy-ish sandwich (chicken, onion, mushrooms, some cheese). But, despite a wonderful, helpful support group, I didn't eat smart and I wolfed my sandwich and a ton of fries down. Now, I am feeling disgustingly full and super guilty. I can't believe I took such a huge step back. Why? This is serious self sabatoge. Of course, I didn't do it maliciously, but I am so angry I couldn't control myself. I think it's time to say that takeout/fast food just isn't for me. I haven't developed enough self-control yet to not over-do it. I'm trying not to take a self-hatred stance, and I am trying to think about why this happened. One reason is maybe I am feeling a little guilty about how selfish I have been since I started this process. I talked about it in group, and some of the feedback opened my eyes. I talked about how I feel lonely and unsupported, especially by Carlos, and some of the group members helped me see things from the other side of things. I didn't even think about how Carlos could be precieving this whole process, and although he doesn't say much about it, it has to be affecting him in some ways. One person talked about how maybe when I "fish for approval" (my words, not hers) by pointing out my successes, it might come off like I am rubbing Carlos' face in how badly he's eating. I know he's not ready to make the healthy changes I am, and I'm not being very sensitive to that. I talk about surgery constantly, and he is probably pretty sick of it. So, maybe it's not that he;s being unsupportive, but he's just not in the same place I am. I kinda feel guilty about not looking past the end of my nose to see how this is affecting him. I feel bad, and I am going to try to work on not being a broken record about WLS. Maybe the reason I ate so much, is because that's how we always ate before WLS came into the picture, and I wanted to show him I'm not completely absorbed in it. I don't know. But, right now I feel pretty awful. I need to find a happy medium. I need to keep on track with the eating, but tone it down with the talking about WLS all the time. I definately cannot punish myself by eating like I did tonight. Ugh, I feel really horrible. At least the food was good, because this is the last time.

A note on the support group. I had a great time. It was so eye-opening, and so informative. It was also that personal connection that I was looking for. It was very interesting to learn about each person's WLS experience is different. In some ways, it made me a little nervous.. LOL... Especially when they talked about how it feels to get food stuck. But, in most ways it was comforting to know there are other people out there going through the same struggles. It made me feel more apart of a community. The OH community has been wonderful, and I am grateful for that "anytime" support it offers. But, I really like the personal, face-to-face interaction with other WLS patients. I am really excited about the weight-loss results! Some people there have lost so much! I can't wait until I get to speak up and say "I'm Nicole and I've lost ____ pounds since surgery."

Well, this was a long ass blog. I needed to get some of that out, and I wanted to document my first experiences with group. I am definately going to continue to go, and learn and hopefully make some friends.

Have a healthy night!

Nicole

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