Nicole P.

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Went for my first post-op checkup today. I finally got to meet Dr. V, lol, and she was super nice. I went into the office knowing I lost, and being optimistic, but also trying not too be too excited. I was sure I had lost at least another 2-3lbs or so since surgery.

When they put me on the scale, it started off reading 295, which made me smile. About what I had thoughts. But, it kept going down. 291, 290, 289, 288...... 288!!! Holy crap! That's 22lbs since December, and 10lbs since surgery. of course, being me, I immediately teared up. Sharon, the tech was super happy and congratulated me. I just couldn't stop smiling. I must have looked like a grinning fool.

This journey has been so much more than I ever thought it would be. Not only have I gotten in touch with how I can become healthier, but I also it's helped with my self-esteem, my confidence, and my happiness. I've learned I can do whatever I set my mind to. I learned that I don't have to be so self-sacrificing. I've learned to stop feeling sorry for myself so much, and to allow myself mistakes without beating myself up.

I am unbelievably happy right now. I feel so light.. lol!

:D

So, after my blog the other day about my hurt and frustration over how Carlos' was treating me, I asked him to go to my therapy session with me to work it out. We had a great session, and I understand now where he is coming from.

One of his concerns about this whole process is that he feels like I am changing. Honestly, that's probably true. He has noticed me being more social, and more focused on things that I had lost touch with for a while. He's worried I'll leave him behind. He's also worried about hurting me, or doing something wrong. So, it was his backwards way of caring by acting so aloof. He did apologize for the incident where he got mad about the possibility of going back to the hospital. He was worried about me being in trouble, and also concerned that I was freaking out unnessicarily.

As for the changing..... Once again, yes, I am changing. I think it's for a couple of reason. One is that I'm finally doing something for ME. I am finally taking sometime to focus on myself, instead of breaking my back to do things for everyone else. I like how I feel right now. I am optomistic and feeling really excited about this chapter of my life. It's been along time since I've felt like this. Basically since I moved to New jersey, I've felt out of place, stuck and depressed. Now, I feel like I can accomplish anything if I really want it. I did this, and it makes me happy, so why can't I work on other aspects of my life. The second reason I am changing is that... to be blunt... I am on antidepressants. I KNOW, everyone right now is all about not being chemical dependant, and being natural ect. ect.... But, I feel good. They have helped tremendously, and no matter what anyone says, I am happy I started them.

Yesterday was a fun day. We drove to S. Jersey to bring our friend home, and hang out with her Grandma, Aunt and Uncle. It was a lot of fun. They are really fun, good people. They are in the process of launching their own line of organic pasta. They are SO passionate about their product. I offered to help them out by editing and writing some promotional materials. It feels good to be helping them.

I do want to talk a little bit about the "eating" phase I am in right now. (I say "eating" since it's really more drinking... lol.) The protein shakes are... not the best. I am trying to have fun with them by adding extracts and Crystal Light. It does help, but the last couple of days, I just haven't been feeling them. I am constantly giving myself pep-talks about the fact that this is a short phase, and it'll be over soon. Yesterday, I broke down and I got some soup (NO CHUNKY!). It was some tomato basil soup, and I watered it down with water to make it less thick. It was so good. But, I felt guilty after eating it. I worried that I was eating too many calories with it. But, I took a step back and looked at the situation realistically. Three months ago, I was eating Dunkin Donuts for breakfast, Burger King for lunch, and Chinese food for dinner, on a regular basis. I was eating whole pizzas to myself. And now, I am feeling guilty over having a 1/4 c of tomato soup. Seems a little silly. Don't get me wrong, I am not going to have it ev eryday, but having it once doesn't mean I am not going to lose weight. It doesn't mean I am not going to do well. I am WAAAAY to hard on myself. Right now, I just have to keep focused and do what my body tells me. And I can't be too hard on myself if occasionally my body decides it wants 1/4 c of tomato soup.

Have a healthy day!

Well, I am five days out. Finally yesterday, I started feeling normal again. The gas cramping finally relented, and I'm able to sleep in a comfortable position without too much incisional pain. I went for a walk yesterday, to the store, and even though I was pretty tired when I got home, it felt good. Yesterday, my friend and I did hair makeovers. She did her's purple and black and I did mine red and black. It was fun.

What has not been fun is my frustration and hurt over Carlos' lack of support and compassion. I'm starting to worry if I can continue to deal with his selfishness, especially now that I am trying to do something so hard. He's never been one for being romantic or mushy, but recently he seems almost callous towards me.
 
On the day of surgery, they told him they were moving me to a room, and he should go home for a bit until I was settled, and he didn't come back. I finally had to have the nurse call because I was worried about him.  He didn't answer the first two times, and eventually visited 1 hour before visiting hours were over. When he was there, he barely paid any attention to me, just watched TV. The same thing the next day. He came when visiting hours started, but mostly watched TV. Unless I specifically asked him to help me or a question, he just watched TV. I read so many stories on here about husbands who did something nice for their wives after surgery, and mine barely acknowlegdes me. I wasn't expecting anything huge, but maybe some flowers, or a stuffed animal. I barely got a hug and a kiss.

When I came home the day after surgery, I had a lot of incredibly painful gas pains, but I didn't know what was going on at the time. We had started watching a movie when they began, and eventually I called my doctor because I was so concerned. My doctor at one point suggested I return to the emergency room so he could meet me there and check me. When I told Carlos, he got angry and threw my phone down. I could tell he didn't want to take me back to the hospital, because he didn't want to go back out. I ended up crying in pain in the bathroom while he and my friend who is staying with us, finished their movie. THEN he came to check on me. He didn't offer to try and do anything to help ease my pain. (He did go to the store for Gas-X when my doctor suggested it.)

Since I have been home, he rarely asks how I am doing unless I prompt him, and he never offers to help me. I always have to ask.  Sometimes, he even gets mad when I ask for help doing something, or he does it half-assed. We have a friend staying with us for a while, and he always asks if she's hungry, or if she needs anything. I know she is company, and I expect him to ask her, but he never asks me. He acts like my surgery, and the fact that I am restricted because of it, is a huge inconvienence, despite SAYING that he is supportive. Occasionally, he'll throw in a suggestion to slow-down drinking or something, but in the next breath he'll complain about having to help me with something.

Yesterday, he came home and said he got me a present. I was so happy because I thought he realized he didn't get me anything, and you know... better late than never. But, he was just "joking". He actually got himself some Blu-rays to add to his collection, under the guise that they were for me. I have never been one to desire Blu-rays, especially as presents, and he knows that. He would have gotten them for his collection whether I wanted them or not. I was really hurt that I let myself get hopeful that he had done something nice for me.

Like I said before, I know Carlos isn't mushy or romantic. But, I don't know if I can deal without him being even curteous towards me. I just wish he'd treat me like his wife istead of his roomate. I try so hard to do things to show him I love him. I try to cook his favorite foods, or make sure he has the things he likes in the house. I'll get up and get him stuff if he needs it. I try and keep the house clean as much as I can. I do the laundry, and I fold his socks and shirts the way he likes them. I send him love note texts, or messages. I write "I love you" on his Facebook. I am always the one to say "I love you" first, or to offer hugs and kisses. Even when it's something he can do himself, like make frozen fries, I do it, so he feels loved and cared for. I just want the same things....

I was hoping that this time in my life would be happy, positive, and a new adventure, but right now I feel very lonely and unsure. I really wanted to focus on doing this the right way, but instead I am worried that my marriage is ending. I worry it's been ending for some time now, but I've always just pretended that things were fine, and now that I really need him to be there for me, I can't pretend anymore. I don't want to bring this all up to him right now, because we have a houseguest, and I don't want to put her in the center. I am just venting here for now. (Which is even more proof he's not being supportive, because he won't ever read this.)

My body is healing.... my soul is hurting....

So, today has gone very good. The pain is significantly decreased, and I am feeling more energetic. But, I am starting to have to deal with the difficulty of living in a house with "No banders".

The no banders here are eating such good food! It makes me really want some. Right now, my house is filled with the smell of french fries and Bagel-fuls. I'm not really hungry, but the smells make me feel like I am. I ate a Jell-o to help, but when all I can smell is fries it's kind of like "wah-wah-wah".

Yesterday, they had pizza, and I ended up dreaming about it. In the dream, I kept putting pizza on my plate but it would disappear back to the box. I was so frustrated.

I don't really know how to ask them to not eat my favorite foods right now. It's not really my place to limit what they eat. It was my decision to have the Banding done, and they shouldn't be punished. But, it's extremely frustrating to have my favorite foods right in my face.

I'm hoping that venting here is going to help. I just have to stay focused on losing weight. The fries I miss out on now will not even be a thought when I am trying on smaller sizes. SIZE 10, SIZE 10, SIZE 10, SIZE 10. SIZE 10.....

Just gotta keep up the mantra.

I have not blogged in quite some time. It was a crazy couple of weeks building up towards surgery, and I really wasn't able/up keep my blog going. I am re-commiting to my daily blogging now that surgery is done.  So, I would like to document some of the things that happened leading up to surgery, and how my surgery went. I think it's important to keep track of everything I went through... not only for me, but for anyone else who may read this and want to know how things can go.

In the week leading up to surgery I did stop watching what I was eating a little. I did try to make sure that majority of my food was healthy and nutritious, but I did splurg and eat some less than optimal things. I don't know if it was such a bad thing. I didn't binge or anything like that. I had a couple slices of pizza, a few chicken fingers, and a few sweets. I am not advocating unhealthy eating leading up to surgery, by any means, but for me it was actually a little helpful. I was making sure that I wasn't using the food as a copeing mechanism for my anxiety prior to surgery. I wanted to have a few of my favorite foods, and celebrate my triumphs on getting this far. I made sure not to overdo it. I think it's very important to know your limitations. If I thought I wasn't able to eat the food in moderation, I wouldn't have done it. I think it's proof of how far I have some that i could eat my favorite foods without bingeing on them.

So, on Jan 25th, I had my pre-op testing. Not my favorite day. I had some struggles with the people that preformed my tests, and I was very frustrated. But, instead of breaking down, like I would have done in the past, I just gritted my teeth and kept telling myself that it was going to be okay. I was a little worried because the technician who did my ultrasound had difficulty finding my Gall-bladder, and I was worried that when I got the results, there might be a problem. I had a nail-biting two days to wait for results. LOL. Eventually, I went to my regular doctor and found out my results. The first thing I learned was that I was finally under 300lbs. I was so proud/happy! I really wanted to be under 300lbs by the time surgery rolled around, because I knew it would be easier to diagnose a complication. (I had read that people over 300lbs may not be able to recieve an MRI or CAT scan depending on the facilities at the hospital.) I wanted to make sure I could do everything I could to make my surgery go as easily as possible. I highly reccomend that people who have the ability to lose some weight pre-surgically do so. I feel that despite some complications, it really helped with this process. Anyway, back to my results. I was actually pleasantly surprised to find out that all of my testing was realtively normal. I did have a slightly fatty liver, but not enough to complicate the procedure. (Another reason I am happy I started my healthy eating before-hand.) My gall-bladder was fine. Otherwise, everything was normal and my doctor cleared me for surgery. I did learn a very good lesson this day as well. It is EXTREMELY important that you make sure you tell your GP exactly what your surgeon plans on doing with your medications and post-surgical care. Since two different doctors are combining to care for you, sometime there can be counter-indications. Mine was that the anti-depressant I am on has a serious reaction with the pain medication that my surgeon had planned on. Since I am allergic/sensitive to pain medication, my surgeon prescribed a medication that he doesn't use as often. My GP was able to catch the interaction, and take me off the anti-depressant, and keep me safe.

So, the days building up to surgery were pretty uneventful, except that I was feeling some anxiety. Moslty just pre-surgival jitters, but also from stopping the anti-depressant. I made sure to surround myself with friends and to do things that made me happy to reduce these effects.

The day before surgery, my surgeon had put me on a clear liquid diet. This was rough. I got a major headache from the low calories/sugar, and the hunger pangs were no fun. I was SSOOO tempted to cheat and just eat something tiny, but I didn't. I would have been very upset with myself if I had not been able to have surgery, or had illicited a complication because I cheated. I think the best way to make it through these rough patches is to sleep. The sleep really helped pass the time, and actually helped with the hunger pangs.

The day of surgery was pretty much what I was expecting. It was a lot of activity leading up to getting to the OR. It went very fast, and honestly, right now, I wouldn't be able to tell you everything that happened.  When I got to the OR, I met the anesthesiologist and got to briefly see my surgeon. Now, I am not one to speak badly about someone, but I very disappointed in how the anesthesiologist handled me. I made it very clear, several times, that there were certain medications that I cannot tolerate well. But, the anesthesiologist insisted that he would be able to control the effects, and wanted to use those medications. I wish i had been more firm about using something else. After the surgery was over, I went to recovery. It was pretty rough. I was very sore, especially in my shoulders. (This is due to the CO2 gas that they inflated my abdomen with.) My lungs were very sore and my throat hurt. At this time, I barely noticed any discomfort from the surgical sites. It took some time, but it did get better. They moved me to Same Day Surgery, with the hope that I could do home the same day. I actually might have been able to if the anesthesiologist had used a different medication. But, a while into my recovering, the nausea and flushing started. I felt so hot, and I started retching which was incredibly painful. The nurses moved me to the floor for an overnight stay, and eventually I was given medication to help with the retching and help me sleep. When i woke up, the nausea had calmed down.

Sometime, during all of this, I got to visit with Robin, the patient mentor from my surgeon's office. It was very nice to see her, despite how crappy I was feeling. We talked about the process, and also some ideas I had for ways to get patients from our surgeons office together in fun way. (I'll save this for another blog.)

I mostly just slept the day of surgery. I did get up to use the bathroom a few times, and I got to see the Hubster and my friend. The whole day is a bit foggy from the anesthesia, and from the pain meds. I got to see my on-Q pump, which was helping control my pain, and see my incision. I was actually surprised at how little the incisions were. It wasn't near as bad as I thought it would be. My shoulders and lungs were still bothering me a lot, but I just tried to sleep and rest. It is rough. I won't lie. Anyone who ever says that WLS is the "easy way" to lose weight, has no idea how rough it is to go through the surgery and the effects afterwards. It definately wasn't easy, and a few times, I found I was asking myself if it was worth it. I bounced my stress and anxiety off my friends and family, and their support and encouragement helped a lot to remind me that it is worth it. I am very grateful that I established a strong support system.

Day one after surgery was not the best. I woke up with enen more shoulder pain (from sleeping sitting up and with my head tilted). I was up every couple of hours during the night, and pretty tired. My Hubby came as soon as he could to hang out with me. My stomach pain was a lot more noticable than the night before, but the pain meds did help. (With the stomach and the shoulders.) I made sure to excersise my lungs like they told me, which actually helped a lot to relieve the lung pain. I was taken down for my swollow test, and once that was okayed they gave me some Jell-o and some tea. I wasn't able to eat very much, since the swollowing made my esophogus hurt. I did what I could, and eventually they okayed me for discharge. Getting into the car was painful, the drive was painful, and getting out was painful, but I was so happy to be home. I was really looking forward to my bed and my doggies and my Netflix. LOL

Unfortunately, once I got home, I had a pretty major setback. I was trying to get comfortable for a nap, and suddenly when I moved, I felt EXTREME pain in my stomach. I thought I was going to pass out. It was very sharp, and unrelenting. I tried walking around a big, and getting a sip of water, but eventually I had to call my doctor. Apparently, in rare cases, some people can have a bad reaction to the stuff you swallow during the swallow test. It causes extrememly painful gas to build up. Lovely. The hubby went off to the store to get my some anti-gas stuff, meanwhile I struggled with whether or not I needed to go to emergency room. Of everything I had felt over the last 2 days, this was definately the most painful. I was crying and really regretting doing the surgery. But, eventually, the anti-gas meds started working and it slowly got better. I must say here, that it is really important to keep in contact with your surgeon if you think something is wrong. This was a pretty uncommon reaction, but he knew exactly what to do to help me.

I ended up falling asleep sitting up again, which of course made my shoulder pain come back. I woke up several times, but I got a pretty good nights sleep anyway. Today, I feel a lot better. My shoulders are sore, but improving as the day goes on. I am glad that I did the surgery despite everything I have been through. It's going to be even more sweet when I start seeing results. I did end up needing to remove my on-Q pump because it had stopped working due to excessive kinking. But, it wasn't too bad and I actually feel that it was more in the way than anything. I am craving a shower, but I have to wait a couple of days still. (It's going to feel AMAZING once I get to have one.)

I know this is a very long blog. But I wanted to well document everything. I want to be able to look back and be proud I made it through the hurdles, and maybe, others will read this and be prepared for some of the things that can come up after surgery. It isn't very fun. It's pretty painful, but it improved quickly. even just 2 days out I feel a lot better.

Thanks for reading through all this. I'll post again tomorrow.

Nicole

I have been skipping blogging days, because I have been unexpectedly busy. Friends have been visiting, and we have been visiting friends or family.

Yesterday, we visited Carlos' cousin and his family. We had a lot of fun. We played with his kids, and played video games. It was great. I didn't have many food options and I ended up eating some things that weren't the best, but I didn't let it bother me too much. 

Today was a great day. Carlos and I slept in, and then we got up and went out shopping. I got to see some people from work, and we went to Walmart. I got some more healthy food. I also got a Britta water filter! Some crayons! and weights. I'm really excited to start using my weights tomorrow. As we were leaving Walmart, I suddenly had the urge to run. I know I am not ready to run, so instead I jogged back to the car. It felt AMAZING! I haven't jogged 5 minutes in the last 3 years. So, 5 minutes meant a lot to me. I was so pumped. So I went home, put my groceries away, and I worked out. I did my Biggest Loser workout DVD. I have done it many times before, but I have never been able to make it through the whole thing. But, I never have to say that again. I did it! It was very hard, I was very sweaty and tired, but I have never felt so amazing. I also felt very happy and peaceful. Two days ago, I went looking for these feelings by eating, and it failed. But, I found what I was looking for. I am really going to make an effort to step it up a notch in the workout department. It feels so good.

Well, it is totally bedtime. I am literally falling asleep writing this. I need to start blogging earlier, so that I have the time to say everything I want to say before I get too tired.

N. 

So, first off, I haven't blogged in a couple days. I've been very tired since I went off my meds for a couple of days. Yesterday, my body caught up with me and I couldn't stay awake for anything. Sleep plays a big role in how well I do eating and such... I am learning this more and more.

Today was and up and down day. I went into Dr. V's office to sign my consent forms. I talked with Dr. S about my concerns, and it just became really REAL for me that this is actually happening. Signing the papers made it hit me. I'm having weight loss surgery. My whole life is going to change. I am going to have something inside me that changes my entire relationship with food. I am excited. I'm a little nervous. It's a mis-mash of emotions. I also found out at Dr. V's that I lost another 3lbs. That felt really nice. It's not a huge amount, but it does show that the diet change is working. So, that was the up.

The down was that I cheated a bit, and had a little "last hurrah" binge. It wasn't too crazy, but I'm not proud of it. I had to ride the bus to Dr. V's office, and I just kept thinking about how life is going to be after surgery. I kept thinking about all the foods that I may not be able to eat, foods that might get stuck, and foods that just aren't good for me. So, of course, this caused cravings. I ended up swinging by the corner store and I got a brownie and some Pringles. I ate them. Now, I feel kind of sick. I think my body is upset at the junk food. I won't be doing that again. I feel kind of guilty, but I'm trying not to focus too much on that.
 
I am trying to focus more on the fact that walked 2 miles today, even though it was really cold. I was very happy, and I felt really proud for keeping going despite my freezing feet, and the fact that I could have taken the bus, but I didn't. I'm really pumped about exercise recently. The online chat that I went to a couple of days ago focused mainly on working out, and since then I have been really looking for new, fun routes to walk. Most of the routes I pick have a hill, because I feel the most successful when I finish a hard hill. I do want to find a gym, or something to work out in because I'd like work different parts of my body. Dr. V's office has a trainer and a gym at the Teaneck office, so I am going to send and email to the trainer about prices and such.

I did a lot of thinking after my binge, and these were my conclusions. My relationship with food is going to be how it's been for the last few weeks for the rest of my life." I almost felt like I was dreaming. If you had asked me in November if I thought I'd be having weight-loss surgery, I would have said, "No way!" Yet, here I am on Jan 23rd, and I am scheduled to have weight-loss surgery on Feb 2nd. Craaaazy.
 
I decided that I was feeling some anxiety about the uncertainty of life after surgery, and I was seeking that feeling of comfort that I used to get from food. Instead, because I have been slowly reprogramming myself, I ended up feeling worse. The times I feel best (that deeply satistfied, fullfilled feeling) are after I exercise, or after I go to group. I feel accomplished and confident. So, in a way, this last hurrah thing really helped me realize how much I have changed since I started. Of, course... I'm definately not perfect. I definately don't know everything there is to know about this journey. but, I am proud of myself for how far I have come.


So... that's what's been going on with me. I'm a little distracted tonight since we are catching up on "The Office" and my meds are kicking in. Sorry if this has been a boring blog.

Nicole

Well, today was a new day in so many ways. I did a lot of thinking/soul searching about what was discussed at group yesterday, and my WLS's effect on the people around me. I really came to realize that I was being a bit of a Needy Nelly when it came to approval/support of the people around me. (And if I am to be truely honest, a bit of a broken record - constantly talking about surgery.) I tried to put myself in their shoes, and how annoyed I would be. I have been getting such wonderful support from the people I am closest too, yet I was always looking for more. But, if I really look at the big picture, that's not what I was really looking for. I was seeking validation of my choice to have weight-loss surgery, and attention when I felt abandoned and lonely. Being off of work has been very rough on me... maybe more rough than I am willing to admit. I went from feeling very needed and important, to feeling useless and forgotten. It was a hard crash. And now, I am making these huge changes - putting something other than work into major importance - and I want someone there saying "Yes, you are important. Yes, you deserve surgery. Yes, your life is important enough to save." Well.... here it comes. Here is someone saying what I want to hear.

Nicole - to yourself, from yourself - YOU ARE IMPORTANT. YOU DESERVE SURGERY. YOUR LIFE IS IMPORTANT. You don't need anyone else to tell you that. You don't need the approval of others to judge your worth. It's cliche, but you are the ONLY person who has to live with your desicions 24/7 for the rest of your life.

I need to do this for ME. Not for approval. Not for people telling me how skinny I look. I need to be doing this so I can be healthy, live a full life - as painless as possible - and be happy with myself. Am I happy with myself right now? No. I don't like being unfit, lazy and in pain. I have this wonderful tool to change that. The approval, smaller clothes, and compliments are all just icing on the cake.

Now, don't get me wrong... support and help is always appreciated. This is a hard journey. Can I make it by myself? Yes. But, it'll be a lot more fun, and a lot less rocky if I have my loved ones backing me up. But now, I can appreciate their support and enthusiasm because I am in a place where I am not depending on it to make it through.

For all of you that are reading this (if any), I do want to say a couple of things. 1) Thank you. Even if you read this, and never say anything about it, it means a lot to me that you took the time to check on my journey. Your support is very, very appreciated... now more than ever. You stuck around through my soul-searching and I hope you stick around to see the outcome. 2) I apologize for not seeing what I had in front of me until now. If I ever made you feel that your support was not enough, I am sorry. It is. :)

I feel very calm right now. It's very calming and settling to come to this type of realization. I still feel it's a good idea to blog about this process, for a couple of reasons. The first being that it's a way for me to remind myself of how far I have come, learn from my mistakes and reflect on the journey. The second is that maybe what I am going through, my stuggles and triumphs, can help another person on their path to WLS.

Well.... this has certainly been an eventful blog. Today was a fun, yet typical day. My eating was eh - more fast food than I would have liked - but I didn't over do anything. I ate slowly and chewed well, which is starting to become more natural. I am also getting more used to not drinking while eating. (Although, at around the 20 minute mark after food I start really watching the clock for when i can drink.) My increased water intake was very noticable today, when i forgot to bring my water bottle out with me. I was CRAVING water, and I used to go whole days without drinking anything but soda. Maybe I will become one of those water fiends that I said I never would be. LOL

Okay, okay... this is getting long. It's bed time, and I have some fun plans for tomorrow.

Much Lovies!

Nicole

Okay, so to start off, I skipped day 27 because nothing happened. The only notable thing was that I cleaned the bathtub, which was pretty hard with my back, but I feel good knowing it's clean. I ate pretty well yesterday, and otherwise did nothing of note. (Which is sort of sad.)

Today, however, was a pretty full day. It didn't start out so great because I had a really graphic, crazy nightmare. I kept trying to wake myself up, but I'd dream I was awake and then suddenly I'd be back into the dream. It was so vivid that when i actually did wake up, I had a few moments of panic that I'd be back in the dream. I was shaking for like 15 minutes. I haven't had a nightmare like this since I was younger, and it really freaked me out. I actually couldn't eat for a couple of hours because it was affecting my stomach.

When I did eat, I had some reduced fat triscuits, turkey and hummus. I had been really craving chips so I got the triscuits to help with it, and it worked pretty well. I counted it as lunch, as by the time I ate it was too late for it to be breakfast. I really mismanaged my time today and it ended up biting me in the ass. I knew I had a support group in Englewood, but I should have checked the bus schedules sooner, because by the time I checked, I had to rush to get ready. So, I didn't eat before I went, figuring I could have Carlos grab me something when he picked me up. But, I didn't count on fraudulent charges on my account, so we can't use our card. Meaning I only had the money for the bus, and Carlos only had the card. So, I didn't have anything to eat from 12pm to 8:30pm. WAAAAAAYY too long. I was ravenous when I got home from the support group. I gave in to my craving and ordered food from the diner, because I wanted turkey bacon. I did order a healthy-ish sandwich (chicken, onion, mushrooms, some cheese). But, despite a wonderful, helpful support group, I didn't eat smart and I wolfed my sandwich and a ton of fries down. Now, I am feeling disgustingly full and super guilty. I can't believe I took such a huge step back. Why? This is serious self sabatoge. Of course, I didn't do it maliciously, but I am so angry I couldn't control myself. I think it's time to say that takeout/fast food just isn't for me. I haven't developed enough self-control yet to not over-do it. I'm trying not to take a self-hatred stance, and I am trying to think about why this happened. One reason is maybe I am feeling a little guilty about how selfish I have been since I started this process. I talked about it in group, and some of the feedback opened my eyes. I talked about how I feel lonely and unsupported, especially by Carlos, and some of the group members helped me see things from the other side of things. I didn't even think about how Carlos could be precieving this whole process, and although he doesn't say much about it, it has to be affecting him in some ways. One person talked about how maybe when I "fish for approval" (my words, not hers) by pointing out my successes, it might come off like I am rubbing Carlos' face in how badly he's eating. I know he's not ready to make the healthy changes I am, and I'm not being very sensitive to that. I talk about surgery constantly, and he is probably pretty sick of it. So, maybe it's not that he;s being unsupportive, but he's just not in the same place I am. I kinda feel guilty about not looking past the end of my nose to see how this is affecting him. I feel bad, and I am going to try to work on not being a broken record about WLS. Maybe the reason I ate so much, is because that's how we always ate before WLS came into the picture, and I wanted to show him I'm not completely absorbed in it. I don't know. But, right now I feel pretty awful. I need to find a happy medium. I need to keep on track with the eating, but tone it down with the talking about WLS all the time. I definately cannot punish myself by eating like I did tonight. Ugh, I feel really horrible. At least the food was good, because this is the last time.

A note on the support group. I had a great time. It was so eye-opening, and so informative. It was also that personal connection that I was looking for. It was very interesting to learn about each person's WLS experience is different. In some ways, it made me a little nervous.. LOL... Especially when they talked about how it feels to get food stuck. But, in most ways it was comforting to know there are other people out there going through the same struggles. It made me feel more apart of a community. The OH community has been wonderful, and I am grateful for that "anytime" support it offers. But, I really like the personal, face-to-face interaction with other WLS patients. I am really excited about the weight-loss results! Some people there have lost so much! I can't wait until I get to speak up and say "I'm Nicole and I've lost ____ pounds since surgery."

Well, this was a long ass blog. I needed to get some of that out, and I wanted to document my first experiences with group. I am definately going to continue to go, and learn and hopefully make some friends.

Have a healthy night!

Nicole

Well my blog readers, I have not been able to blog for the last couple of days. It's been a combination of bad timing, staying out late, illness and bad internet. I have been logging my food, and I've been eating pretty well.

Of the last couple days, only one really significant event has happened, and it did affect my cravings. My dog Marley had been pretty itchy the last couple of days, but yesterday morning I noticed he just kept scratching and scratching. I picked him up to look at him and I felt welts all over his body! I checked his tummy and he had a huge red, rash with pustules all over him! I felt so awful! I felt like a bad mommy for letting him get like that. I called work and asked to bring him in. I also brought my cat along since she had been losing some weight and I was concerned about hyperthyroidism.

Going into work was weird. A lot of things had changed, but in general the staff seemed happy to know I was coming back. I was embarrassed that they saw how bad Marley had gotten. But they took good care of him and he is on the mend.

As for my eating, the embarrassment and stress did make me feel more hungry and I was really temped to order chinese with Carlos. But, I ended up eating some more sushi instead.

Today was definately not the greatest eating day. It's really hard for me to resist when Carlos brings goodies into the house, and I had 8 chocolate chip cookies after lunch. I was really hungry when I woke up, and I had quite a few crackers with turkey and hummus.  It was really delicious, but I did over do it. The food itself is not bad for my, but I had like 4 servings of each. I need to remember to serve myself portions instead of eating out of the packages. That way, when i've had one serving I can stop and see how full I feel. I also have to quit drinking the full fat hot chocolate that Carlos go. It's one of the main things killing my calorie intake.

I was really hoping to be under 300lbs by the time I went for my pre-surgical bloodwork, and there's bo way that's going to happen if I keep eating the way I am.

I do have to give myself a pat on the back because I have been getting really good at not drinking while eating. I've been using a timing system as one of my OH buddies suggested. It's been working really well.

Well, that is all for now folks. I am going to finish up some stuff I have going on.

Nicole