Nicole P.
Body feeling good... Mind, not so much
Feb 07, 2011
Well, I am five days out. Finally yesterday, I started feeling normal again. The gas cramping finally relented, and I'm able to sleep in a comfortable position without too much incisional pain. I went for a walk yesterday, to the store, and even though I was pretty tired when I got home, it felt good. Yesterday, my friend and I did hair makeovers. She did her's purple and black and I did mine red and black. It was fun.
What has not been fun is my frustration and hurt over Carlos' lack of support and compassion. I'm starting to worry if I can continue to deal with his selfishness, especially now that I am trying to do something so hard. He's never been one for being romantic or mushy, but recently he seems almost callous towards me.
On the day of surgery, they told him they were moving me to a room, and he should go home for a bit until I was settled, and he didn't come back. I finally had to have the nurse call because I was worried about him. He didn't answer the first two times, and eventually visited 1 hour before visiting hours were over. When he was there, he barely paid any attention to me, just watched TV. The same thing the next day. He came when visiting hours started, but mostly watched TV. Unless I specifically asked him to help me or a question, he just watched TV. I read so many stories on here about husbands who did something nice for their wives after surgery, and mine barely acknowlegdes me. I wasn't expecting anything huge, but maybe some flowers, or a stuffed animal. I barely got a hug and a kiss.
When I came home the day after surgery, I had a lot of incredibly painful gas pains, but I didn't know what was going on at the time. We had started watching a movie when they began, and eventually I called my doctor because I was so concerned. My doctor at one point suggested I return to the emergency room so he could meet me there and check me. When I told Carlos, he got angry and threw my phone down. I could tell he didn't want to take me back to the hospital, because he didn't want to go back out. I ended up crying in pain in the bathroom while he and my friend who is staying with us, finished their movie. THEN he came to check on me. He didn't offer to try and do anything to help ease my pain. (He did go to the store for Gas-X when my doctor suggested it.)
Since I have been home, he rarely asks how I am doing unless I prompt him, and he never offers to help me. I always have to ask. Sometimes, he even gets mad when I ask for help doing something, or he does it half-assed. We have a friend staying with us for a while, and he always asks if she's hungry, or if she needs anything. I know she is company, and I expect him to ask her, but he never asks me. He acts like my surgery, and the fact that I am restricted because of it, is a huge inconvienence, despite SAYING that he is supportive. Occasionally, he'll throw in a suggestion to slow-down drinking or something, but in the next breath he'll complain about having to help me with something.
Yesterday, he came home and said he got me a present. I was so happy because I thought he realized he didn't get me anything, and you know... better late than never. But, he was just "joking". He actually got himself some Blu-rays to add to his collection, under the guise that they were for me. I have never been one to desire Blu-rays, especially as presents, and he knows that. He would have gotten them for his collection whether I wanted them or not. I was really hurt that I let myself get hopeful that he had done something nice for me.
Like I said before, I know Carlos isn't mushy or romantic. But, I don't know if I can deal without him being even curteous towards me. I just wish he'd treat me like his wife istead of his roomate. I try so hard to do things to show him I love him. I try to cook his favorite foods, or make sure he has the things he likes in the house. I'll get up and get him stuff if he needs it. I try and keep the house clean as much as I can. I do the laundry, and I fold his socks and shirts the way he likes them. I send him love note texts, or messages. I write "I love you" on his Facebook. I am always the one to say "I love you" first, or to offer hugs and kisses. Even when it's something he can do himself, like make frozen fries, I do it, so he feels loved and cared for. I just want the same things....
I was hoping that this time in my life would be happy, positive, and a new adventure, but right now I feel very lonely and unsure. I really wanted to focus on doing this the right way, but instead I am worried that my marriage is ending. I worry it's been ending for some time now, but I've always just pretended that things were fine, and now that I really need him to be there for me, I can't pretend anymore. I don't want to bring this all up to him right now, because we have a houseguest, and I don't want to put her in the center. I am just venting here for now. (Which is even more proof he's not being supportive, because he won't ever read this.)
My body is healing.... my soul is hurting....
