Day 32

Jan 21, 2011

So, first off, I haven't blogged in a couple days. I've been very tired since I went off my meds for a couple of days. Yesterday, my body caught up with me and I couldn't stay awake for anything. Sleep plays a big role in how well I do eating and such... I am learning this more and more.

Today was and up and down day. I went into Dr. V's office to sign my consent forms. I talked with Dr. S about my concerns, and it just became really REAL for me that this is actually happening. Signing the papers made it hit me. I'm having weight loss surgery. My whole life is going to change. I am going to have something inside me that changes my entire relationship with food. I am excited. I'm a little nervous. It's a mis-mash of emotions. I also found out at Dr. V's that I lost another 3lbs. That felt really nice. It's not a huge amount, but it does show that the diet change is working. So, that was the up.

The down was that I cheated a bit, and had a little "last hurrah" binge. It wasn't too crazy, but I'm not proud of it. I had to ride the bus to Dr. V's office, and I just kept thinking about how life is going to be after surgery. I kept thinking about all the foods that I may not be able to eat, foods that might get stuck, and foods that just aren't good for me. So, of course, this caused cravings. I ended up swinging by the corner store and I got a brownie and some Pringles. I ate them. Now, I feel kind of sick. I think my body is upset at the junk food. I won't be doing that again. I feel kind of guilty, but I'm trying not to focus too much on that.
 
I am trying to focus more on the fact that walked 2 miles today, even though it was really cold. I was very happy, and I felt really proud for keeping going despite my freezing feet, and the fact that I could have taken the bus, but I didn't. I'm really pumped about exercise recently. The online chat that I went to a couple of days ago focused mainly on working out, and since then I have been really looking for new, fun routes to walk. Most of the routes I pick have a hill, because I feel the most successful when I finish a hard hill. I do want to find a gym, or something to work out in because I'd like work different parts of my body. Dr. V's office has a trainer and a gym at the Teaneck office, so I am going to send and email to the trainer about prices and such.

I did a lot of thinking after my binge, and these were my conclusions. My relationship with food is going to be how it's been for the last few weeks for the rest of my life." I almost felt like I was dreaming. If you had asked me in November if I thought I'd be having weight-loss surgery, I would have said, "No way!" Yet, here I am on Jan 23rd, and I am scheduled to have weight-loss surgery on Feb 2nd. Craaaazy.
 
I decided that I was feeling some anxiety about the uncertainty of life after surgery, and I was seeking that feeling of comfort that I used to get from food. Instead, because I have been slowly reprogramming myself, I ended up feeling worse. The times I feel best (that deeply satistfied, fullfilled feeling) are after I exercise, or after I go to group. I feel accomplished and confident. So, in a way, this last hurrah thing really helped me realize how much I have changed since I started. Of, course... I'm definately not perfect. I definately don't know everything there is to know about this journey. but, I am proud of myself for how far I have come.


So... that's what's been going on with me. I'm a little distracted tonight since we are catching up on "The Office" and my meds are kicking in. Sorry if this has been a boring blog.

Nicole

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