Phatchick

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Tomorrow is my one year surgiversary and I am so happy I did this. I did not reach my goal……..YET. But my head is still in the game and I am determined to get there.

I hit a bad slump after the holidays. I just stopped losing. After losing 120 lbs, my body just stopped. I kept working out and I kept trying and nothing happened. I was so despondent. I went to the gym faithfully and lost not one pound. I also did not gain anything, but the scale not moving was playing havoc on my mind. After a 12 week plateau I started eating chocolate and woke the carb demon up. What a mistake. My pity party lasted 3 weeks.

Thank goodness, thru that and every phase, I never stopped coming to OH. My friends encouraged me and their victories made me want to stay in the game. I decided to do some real soul searching to figure out what the heck was happening with me. I came to some very interesting conclusions.

After cutting out ¾ of my stomach, the way I thanked my body was to chug chemical laden SF shakes, eating lots of red meat, drinking sugar free splenda filled drinks, and barely touching any plants. My body was in revolt. Instead of filling up on veggies and fruits, I was eating chemicals. I was eating sugar free jams and puddings which are basically non-nutrient chemicals. The funny thing is my body did lose weight in spite of this abuse. But it also gave me many warning signs that it was not happy. My first indicator; I could not poop. Pooping is a simple function of a healthy body. I ignored that symptom and remedied that issue with stool softeners and other drugs (more chemicals). Then my body gave me another problem; and another. The issues started to pile up but I still lost weight.

Then one day, my body said no more. I stopped losing. I kept on exercising and dieting and nothing. No more weight loss. I was devastated. My body had failed me. Then I realized my body had not failed me….i had failed my body. Instead of eating high nutrient fruit and veggies, I ate a protein bar instead, with so many chemicals in its ingredients the wrapper had to put the contents on the inside of the wrapper. When I was thirsty I got me some crystal light and dumped more chemicals into my fresh water. My taste buds didn’t like water unless it was sickly sweet with fake chemical flavor. If I wanted something nutritious, I had a cup of fat free yogurt with some sugar free jam. More chemicals.

I decided to stop the insanity. I also decided to forgive myself for not making goal in a year. Maybe losing 180 lbs in a year was not in my cards, but I know I am going to do it.

So today I have dumped all the crystal light and drink my water straight out of the bottle. The clean flavor makes me want more and more. A sure sign my body is responding. No more sugar free anything. Today instead of lots of protein from shakes and bars, I get my protein from organic chickens and legumes. I eat a ton of veggies and love organic oatmeal/ mango shakes with no weird protein powders with ingredients I cant name. Today I continue to work out but also do yoga and get massages. I am trying to be a better friend to this body God gave me.

My body is slowly healing. God gave us a beautiful engine. A year ago I cut out more than half of my stomach because I could not control myself when it came to my eating. But my body hung in there. Thanks God for a marvelous engine that you made to run like a champ. Perhaps my goal should be 180 lbs lost when it happens naturally. I’ll take that.

For me Lent has always meant giving up something. Pre-surgery, it was the only time of the year I could really be disciplined enough to actually stop eating something.

I recall one year I gave up Coke (pop). For me, it was a huge thing, because I so loved it and drank a ton of it. I was so successful, I pretty much never drank pop the same way again after that. Another year I gave up everything but green veggies and meat. That year I lost 40 lbs in 40 days. It was the year before WLS and I managed to keep off 25 of the 40. To date I never regained that weight. Which is a first. 

This year, is different, no foods to give up since I have already given them up with the surgery. There really is nothing I eat anymore that is an issue. I dont drink sugary drinks. I dont eat fried foods, I dont snack on chips. So this year, I am going to decrapify my house instead of my body. I am going to get rid of one 20 gallon garbage bag of something everyday for 40 days. I am going to clear out the clutter.

Today was my first day and I decided to go thru my spring/early summer clothes I packed up last year before the surgery. I started going thru them and i was shocked. Yes, I have lost 118 lbs, but since I still have 65 lbs to go, I do not see a radical change. I still feel like the fat girl. BUT, let me tell ya, when I unfolded those size 5X capris, I was in shock. I could not believe i had gottten that big.  These clothes were huge and I finally saw in my minds eye, what I had been seeing over the past 10 months. I am in a size 20-22 right now. These pants look like petites compared to my old 5X pants.

I used to be so upset that Catherines charged extra for over 2X.........now I truly understand why they had to do that;  the amount of material used to make my clothes was massive. I literally can fit in one leg now. Holy Moley!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I guess I dont have to ask my husband if I look any smaller anymore. I really do because I literally am smaller!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jesus, You never let me down. Thanks for taking this momentous walk with me. Your mercy and grace are gifts I shall not take for granted.

I had a thought today that caught me by surprise. This is the first time in 30 years that I am able to look forward to gardening. Every year I have all these dreams and then I get out there and cannot physically attain any of the goals I have for my yard and garden due to size limitations. Last year at this time, I put my dreams away. I said to myself, "just put it out of your mind, you cannot do it. Maybe next year...."   I was hoping maybe the surgery would get approved and maybe I would be smaller next year and be able to do it. Well, I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can bend, I can kneel, I am flexible! A year ago I was 356 lbs. Today I am 248. I have lost over 100 lbs and   know I will be able to get in that garden and make another dream come true. Last year I did container gardening on my deck. I made myself get out there. I sat in a chair and planted tomatoes and herbs. I did it as a homage to my mom. She and I always had a garden together when she lived here before she passed. This year, God willing, I am going to plant all her favorites. Las year I had to hire someone to pull my weeds and  clean my garden. Look out weeds.....here I COME. Thank you God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I recall last Christmas I was really hurting over the recent passing of my mom. I did not know how i was going to walk through this life without her. My mom was a plain talker.  She always said what was on her mind and she had no filter. Her words stung often, especially when she would beg me to lose weight. I look back now and for the first time put myself in her shoes and know how worried she was of me. Before she passed away, I promised her I would have WLS and lose the weight. I am so happy I have kept that promise to her. I felt fearless when I went through the actual surgery. To finally do it without her was hard, but I felt like there was an angel going into that surgery suite with me.

I am so grateful for this opportunity. I know now, I could not have done this without the WLS. I had so many Decembers (like 35) when I would say to myself, next year I will do it. Every January, i'd say to myself that I would be gorgeously thin by that summer. I gave it my best shot and always lost a bit, but then gained it back plus some and by June, was fatter that summer than the year before. That played terrible games on my mind, body and spirit. Those failures affected every aspect of my life in dire ways.

This is going to be an interesting January. I am committed to continue my weight loss journey. I know the first 100 lbs was for my health. The next 75 will be for my health and for my ultimate promise to my mom.  I know I can do this and have to cross that summit to really feel like I not only kept that promise to my mom, but also finally completed a journey I have started every year for the last 35. The desire to finally never have to start another January weight loss failure, because I will be the size I have meant to be all this time.

I thank Jesus everyday for loving me, giving me the strength to continue to get up everyday and keep trying, and for ultimately giving me the mom I had. She wasn't perfect, but she loved me perfectly. Thanks God.

I decided to stop in at my old job and say hello to everybody. I have not been there in 6 months and have lost about 100 lbs since everyone last saw me. I walked up to the reception area and saw 2 folks I have known for over 10 years. One said to me," I'll be right with you". I started to laugh because I thought she was playing a joke on me, when I suddenly realized she wasn't kidding. When they realized it was me, they were incredulous. Then I saw 6 more people and all had the same reaction. I knew I changed, but I had no idea that much. I was a bit hurt at first, then I was sooooooooooooooo happy. Especially later when Karren called to say everyone was shocked at my transformation. I guess all this hard work is starting to show! That was my amazing NSV today. Nobody knew me.........Thank you Father!