realturtlelover
I am a very open person, the kind who shares everything, sometimes more than people care to hear I'm sure! 
However my weight has always been something I did not discuss much or at least never really talked about how I truly felt. It has just always been a part of my life I try to hide. Ironic considering with my size I really can't hide very well. What I mean of course is that I just did not discuss it. Kind of the elephant in the room so to speak. If it does come up in conversation I try to convince myself and others that I am healthy for my size and try very hard to make people and myself believe that I am a bubbly, happy individual. Truth is, I am miserable, embarrassed and ashamed of who I am. That is hard to say but very true. I currently weigh around 380.
I grew up in an overall very loving Christian home. I was the 4th of 5 children. There is the oldest, the first girl, the middle child and the baby and then.....me. The 4th. Not the first girl, not the baby but the FAT child. The only child in the family who had a weight problem. It started very young and overtime just got worse. I remember from a very early age feeling out of place. I can remember crying one day in my parents station wagon on the way home from somewhere. My crying annoyed my Dad, which was not hard to do, and because I could not stop crying, I got spanked when I got home. How do tell your parents when your 8 or 9 how you feel? How do you express loneliness in a family of 7? A family of normal, healthy children. I cried out for attention but didn't find any. I got through my childhood by staying out of the way for the most part. Sneaking food at all hours of the day and night. hiding it in my closet and in boxes. Then of course, lying about it when asked.
As a teenager, I acted out by skipping school, stealing money in order to afford food to drown myself in and taking items from a part time job that I did not need or want. Still not sure why I did that. My parents had no idea what to do but they tried to help. They sent me to a physiologist and to talk to the Youth minister at our church but truthfully, I did not know how to talk to them either. I graduated high school weighing about 225. I never had a boyfriend, just boys who were friendly. I moved out of my parents house shortly after graduating high school. Not because it was a terrible place but because I just did not feel as though I fit in there. I felt like I was more trouble than they needed or deserved. I continued to gain weight and my relationship with my family was strained. I remember thinking it was my fault. My fault I was not good enough to love and I did not know how to fix it so I ate more.
Then of course boys came into the picture. I held my virginity until I was 21. Not because I was trying to save myself but because no boys showed interest, I was just too fat. Funny, I remember buying birth control at about 17 even though I was not sexually active. I knew though that if a boy showed any interest I would do whatever it took to keep him. When I did lose my virginity I weighed about 300 pounds, maybe a little less. I slept with any man who paid interest. Okay, not ANY man. But more than one that I regret. Anyway, by the time I was in my late 20's I found myself weighing 350 pounds. How did that happen? My relationship with my family remained strained and for a period of time when I was in my late 20's, I just did not contact them for over 5 years. I was embarrassed with myself and I just was not good enough for them in my mind. During this time I started to work with a lady who was 11 years older than I was and had three boys. She was divorced and had just moved back to the area. We became instant friends. Within hours of meeting her, we connected. I felt understood. I felt appreciated. I felt loved. I knew that she did not judge me or even see my weight. She made me feel like I think I should have all my life. I remember being at a conference in South Texas and she and I crossed the border in Mexico. I could barely keep up with she and the other two ladies we were with. I was out of breath and embarrassed. I had to sit down every time I could find a bench to do so. I was so embarrassed I apologized to her when we got in the car telling her that I was sorry to have embarrassed HER. She held my hand and told me that I NEVER embarrass her. That is what I wanted from my family but just could not get. We remain best friends today, 25+ years later. Even with her overwhelming, tremendous and continual support, my weight has not changed.
When I was 29 I walked back into my families life. They greeted me with open arms but I felt out of place. Not because of the length of time that it had been but because I just did not feel like I belonged there. They were all happy, healthy, loved. They had good jobs and were doing well. I felt none of that. I felt out of place. I felt isolated. There were times I felt like I could scream at the top of my lungs and none of them would have heard me. I continued to be a part of the family and for a period of time, fooled myself into thinking I fit in. I hid my pain, I did not tell any of them how I felt. I existed. I went to dinners, babysat my niece's, fit in. But always felt worthless and unloved. Still feel that way truthfully.
I met my husband when I was 32. He was different from other men I 'dated'. He did not try to have sex with me. He was not married looking for some extra fun outside his marriage like two men I had been with. He was gentle, soft and sweet. I did not feel like I could tell my parents early on because he is black and I knew they would not like that at all. Strange, considering we were raised in a Christian home and taught to love everyone. Anyway, on our third date he kinda moved in. He just started bringing clothes over and then tools, stuff etc.. He slept on the couch for almost two weeks. Then I let him the bedroom but it was about 3 months before our relationship progressed. He was such a nice guy. Before you know it he pretty much never left. 15 years later, he is still here and still a really nice man. He has put up with all the misery I feel within. He tells me everyday how beautiful I am and I know that he really loves me. I wish I could return those feelings to him more often. But I still feel unloved, unappreciated and unworthy. He deserves better.
In March 2001, at my heaviest weight ever, 420, I got pregnant. God really is good!!! We were blessed with the birth of our daughter in December 2001. I wanted to be a better role model for her and did not want her to see me struggle and then do so herself. I tried to have gastric bypass in June 2003 but my employer at the time would not allow for that surgery under their health plan. When I was denied, I just let the idea go. Our daughter is almost 8 now and absolutely the reason I get up every morning. She is the sweetest little girl. She is kind, giving, loving. She has lots of friends and is a straight A student who loves school. She is everything I wish I could be. She is also overweight. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt behind that. I try very hard to tell her every single day how beautiful she is and encourage her by making better choices for herself. Funny how I can do that for her but not for myself.
I began the process again in March 2009 by attending a local seminar for lap band. I knew that my current insurance provider and coverage does allow for weight loss surgery. I went to the Dr. that my long time primary physician suggested. I liked him. After the seminar his office instructed me that I had to have a sleep study, 5 years of weight loss history, 3 months of proven diet counseling and visit a physiologist. I met all the requirements and his office sent a letter to my insurance company on September 3, 3009. My insurance company sent back a latter to the Dr. within days stating that as of September 1, 2009, their requirements changed. Not the requirements I had to meet but the requirements of the Dr. and hospital. The hospital has to be pre-approved and it was not. So my search stated again. I called a friend of my Mom's who had gastric bypass 10 years ago and she gave me the name of Dr. Nicholson. He used to work with the Dr. who did her surgery and come to find out Dr Nick taught the first Dr. I chose how to perform the lap band. I went to Dr. Nick's seminar and I learned so much. I walked in thinking the lap band was absolutely the way I was going and left thinking the sleeve is the better answer for me.
The first Dr.'s office mailed all my file to Dr. Nick's office and they received it last Tuesday. They mailed a letter to BCBS on the same day. So, I wait. I am nervous and anxious. And I think I have just written wayyyyyyyy to much. Thanks for listening and hope for the best for you and for me.
Lisa 
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take but by the moments that take your breath away" George Carlin, Author Unknown
