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and I'm feeling fine. I am still suffering from nausea but it’s nothing like in the beginning and I am so thankful for that. It is true that you need more time off than just 2 weeks! Thank goodness I have a wonderful job where I can take so much time off. I took a nice long walk today and felt awesome afterwards. I have lost 15lbs since surgery and a total of 30 lbs since I started this whole journey. It’s amazing how much lighter I already feel. People have been telling me they can see it in my face. I don’t really see a difference but it’s ok…I can wait! I really am so excited to know that I am finally losing weight and not gaining it. It’s an amazing feeling!!!

So I had the worst week of my life! I have had constant nausea since I had surgery. Not vomiting but bad nausea. I read profiles of people who had surgery within the same few days as me and one lady cooked a whole superbowl meal for like 20 people. I was lying on my couch nauseous and wishing I never had this done. I called my doctor and she said that once in a while this happens and it will pass. They gave me some meds to calm my stomach which has helped. I see my surgeon tomorrow so we shall see what she says. At this point, I wish I could reverse this thing, go eat a buffalo chicken sandwich with extra fries and stay fat~ not really but I'm at my wits end with this! How long will this last?!?!?!?!?!

Well, I have successfully had gastric bypass. I did not have one of those easy times as some people do BUT it could have been much worse. You see, I have a horrible time with anesthesia and had a lot of nausea but the actual surgery went well. I did have a partial collapsed lung occur after surgery. The doctors say that is common as I don’t breath real deep after surgery and your lungs are like a balloon and can inflate. I did have to stay at the hospital a little longer than most (only till the 3^rd night) to get some extra x-rays and make sure I was not distended and that my lungs were ok. So all in all, I feel good and apprehensive at the same time. My stomach is puffed out and I still have bad gas. I have had a few bowel movements THANK GOODNESS!! But still have a lot of gas in my belly. I am going to the mall to walk tomorrow as it is too dangerous with the ice to walk outside here. I am a little apprehensive about leaving the house because when you have to go…you have to go. I did have EXCELLENT care at Mass General. My surgeon Dr Pratt, her residents (all good looking!) and the best nurse in the world named Tara in the Ellison building!! I was soooo lucky to have Tara all three days I was there and she really helped me and lifted my spirits!! More later as I am going to give many more details of my surgery and the following days.  

It's the night before my furgery and i am feeling ok. I have a bit of anxiety but am doing ok! Tomorrow will be very hard. I cant wait till this is all OVER!

So last year around this time I was supposed to have gastric bypass surgery. I had a panic attack the morning of the surgery and cancelled. I am due to have gastric bypass on Tuesday and I am feeling slight anxiety. I am doing WAy better than last year though. I really really really hope I can get through this without loosing my mind. I keep saying that I deserve this...that this surgery shouldn't be scary becasue it heals me and I am worth being healed. I am actually excited which I wasnt last time. I also have positioned myself to have alot more support than last time. This year I have more friends to lean on, a shrink, my family. Last year I didnt discuss this with my friends and didnt have a shrink. I am ready and I can do this!!! I deserve to be thin and for the fist time, I want to see what I look like without a fatter face!

I think food is my best friend. I never noticed that I eat to feel better. When I'm upset I eat, when I'm happy I eat, when I'm nervous, lonely...

It's Friday night and I could have called any number of people to hang out and I choose not to. I chose to eat a whole box of mac and cheese and sit and watch tv. I feel so sad inside and dont know how I can fix it. I used to be so excited to do things and now I do things and rarely get excited. I cant make meaningful decisions to my future becasue I keep changing my mind on my future. I am lost. I know that I need to work on fixing this. I need to see a therapist and dont know why making that call scares me so much. It's easier to eat away demons, but when I have this surgery, that will no longer be an option. I need to get a check on myself before the surgery so I dont panic when I cant eat. I keep telling myself that I will do it tomorrow...or the next day...or the next. Sitting in your bedroom with a a pit in your stomach waiting for life to happen is no way to live. I want to travel and laugh and love...I want to be loved.

So I am sitting here watching the Red Sox play the Angels in the playoffs. I am generally content. Then I started thinking about the RNY surgery. At first I feel excited. Then I started thinking back to last January when I cancelled the surgery the morning of. I had a major panic attack and just couldnt do it. I had to call the surgeon at 6am and tell her I just couldnt. I sometimes think back at it and think that I would probably be 100lbs lighter right now. I dont regret backing out though. I really feel like I wasnt ready back then. I need to get ready this time. I am still incredibly nervous. I know this is necessary and there really is no other option for me but it doesnt make this any easier. I think of the morning of when I wake up and feel so sick and shaky. How i will have to go into MGH and know I will be having surgery and knowing what to expect and being so very very scared. I really need to get on the ball and call a shrink, I need to start meditation, accupunture and even hynosis!! I have to try and relax the morning of. I also need to start working out and eating less. It will make me way more healthier than if I just went in now.

So I had a great day today. Work was boring...so I snuck out and got a pedicure. I came back to two boring hours of bean counting. I then ran the heck out of the building and went with some friends to dinner. I ate way too much and waddled home. I love relaxing days like this!!! Hope everyone else had a relaxing day too! 

I was driving the other day and came upon an area where alot of construction has been going on. The street flow barriers keeps moving and it's hard to tell which lane you are supposed to enter. Now let me preface this with the fact that i have never, in 12 years of driving, been in an accident or got any sort of ticket (knock on wood). Well I was going through this construction area and somehow ended up in the wrong lane. This HUGE truck (you know the ones that literally make you cringe on the damage the environment is taking so some jerk can overcome his Napoleon complex) actually speeds up and tries to hit me. When I swerve the guys yells out the window, "Hey Fat Fuck...You're in the wrong lane!!!!!!!!". I was literally stunned. I don't know why this bothered me so much. I did nothing intentional to this man but he just tried his hardest to cut my insides out. I really don't understand people sometimes. That happened to me last week and every time I drive by this area, I now think of how I was maliciously called a fat fuck. It hurts being fat, physically and mentally.

So my whole life I have been waiting. Waiting till I am thin to begin my life. I have a job that I think is just OK, a life that is just OK and a future that looks just OK. I always say I will make a change...after I loose weight. I have wasted almost 30 years to loose weight. In fact I grew fatter while I kept trying to loose weight! Now loosing weight is just around the corner. I have a date set and am going to have gastric bypass surgery. I need to focus on this. I need to see a shrink and get my mind straight. I need to start to exercise and try to eat in moderation. I need to gain excitement and motivation that this 30 year nightmare may soon begin to pass. One day soon, I may be able to walk into any store and buy clothing. I will be able to not worry about taking a class at my local college because I don't fit into the desk. I will be able to know that people are staring at me for something other than me being over 300lbs. I have this fantasy that the guy I have liked since college finally asks me out. Then I turn him down. I want him to hurt like I have hurt for all these years. I want to stick out my tongue and wiggle my fingers and say "nah nah nah nah nah nah". I want him to know that I was perfect for him. We made each other laugh and could talk about everything BUT he wouldn't date me JUST because he is to hot to date a fat girl. I want to go to a Red Sox game and not sweat...and fit in the seat. I want a hot man to look at me. To not feel panicked when a friend wants to set me up on a date because i know the guy will take one look at me and run. I want to see what i look like. I have never been thin. I have lived all these years and don't know what I look like. I have big lips and beautiful eyes enveloped by chubby cheeks. Will I be pretty? When I can fit into any clothes, will i be a punk? goth? preppy? me? I wont have to shop at avenue or lane Bryant!!! So I have waited for 30 years for this. And now I am ready. I am ready to look forward with no more excuses. No more waiting till I get thin. Getting thin is gonna happen. Now I have to look forward to MY future - NO EXCUSES. So the big question is, what should I do with the rest of my life?? There are so many things I like but have been afraid to try it. I'd like to be a talk show host, a movie producer, Michael Moore like documentarian, marine biologist, party planner, catamaran tour guide, national geographic photographer...I could go on and on. Now is the time to pick something and get going. I will be thin...that is step one. On to plan for step two...