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Finally figured out what the hold up on communication and stuff is. The insurance lady at the surgeon's office is taking a two week vacation.

5 emails and 3 phone calls later...

Whew.

Okay feeling better about things now.

The insurance company said they have my info.

Let's hope they have the correct info.

I really want and NEED to get approved!

My daughter is camping with her grandma tonight. I have full custody, so I never have nights alone. And this is driving me nuts! Kind of weird! So I was going to eat a cheesecake. I went up to the cheesecakes. Looked at the cheesecakes. Examined the cheesecakes. And passed the cheesecakes by!!!!!!!!!!!

I was so proud of myself!

And it wasn't even hard.

It was like I was satisfied just looking at them!

I ended up buying a skinny cow ice cream popsicle thing to satisfy my sweet tooth. It had like 1 gram of fat in it. And 80 calories or something.

Much better choice!


I am a little worried about this whole approval process. I got an email from the surgeon's office on Thursday saying they have sent the paperwork to the insurance company... as I mentioned before I thought my doctor had sent the letter and my weights. Turns out the doctor did not send anything.

I don't know what they sent.

I asked the insurance lady if she emailed me in error. And if not what had been sent? Because no one had sent anything to their office.

Sigh.

No response yet.

So I faxed everything today.

Let's hope she sent the email to me in error otherwise she is lying. Or the doctor's office is lying. Or something.

Who knows.

Anyway if she sent what the doctor's office had. That is bad. Because at that point the letter only listed two weights. I got additional documenation and faxed it today with the letter.

Another thing that worries me is that I don't have a weight for 2009 listed.

I have 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008... that's five years. But it doesn't have this year.

I am anxious about everything.

I hope I submitted enough.

The surgeon's office's insurance lady has been helpful in that she emails me back and communicates that way.

But her answers aren't very detailed.

And I worry if she really has everything under control.

Let's hope she does. This mix-up has me more than worried.

Let's hope they get it straightened out. If not I can always go with another surgeon. But I really like this surgeon.

I just hope her office didn't mess up my paperwork!

Positive thoughts! Dancing thoughts too apparently. Lol.

So my ankle is feeling better. Walking much better. With meds I am having little pain.

Had a good day at work.

And ready to turn in for the night!

Night night blogland!

Well I sprained my ankle on Friday. Lovely. Luckily it wasn't broken. May have read my post about being too heavy for crutches and too big for an air cast. So I walked out of there with an ace wrap. And some crutches only if I promised not to put all my weight on them. That was pretty much humiliating. Have spent my weekend relaxing and keeping my ankle elevated and iced.

I'm still not completely where I need to be diet wise. But I am making some better choices. I am making sure to take a multi-vitamin and B12 and folic acid I am deficient in... so I am making sure to take my supplements for that. And I also started taking iron pills and I ate some chicken liver since my iron tends to run low. Noticed the half moons on my finger nails. Decided I want to try to get my body in as good of shape as I can nutritionally and otherwise before surgery.

I still don't know if I will be approved. Especially since the surgeon's office since my paperwork before I had all my weights included. But hopefully it will still go through.

I am still sending the other information tomorrow just so they have it.

Then it's off to try and work on this ankle.

Though it is feeling better than it was. And the swelling has gone down.

Had a delicious salad yesterday and cut lots of veggies. And I made a delicious strawberry angel food cake with non-fat cool whip!

No fat... and it was super tasty!

Low on calories and had lots of fruit!

Home today with my little girl.

She's 3.5 I told her I might have surgery to lose my giant belly and giant butt and so that I could be healthy for her.

and she said NOOOOOOO! Mommy! I LOVE YOUR GIANT BUTT!

Lol.

It was cute.

Well hope everyone has a good week! Hope to hear something from the insurance soon!

Last night I was so nervous. I was so worried about everything. Whether or not I was going to go totally broke trying to pay my portion of the surgery. Whether or not I would get demoted for taking time off work. Whether or not my insurance will even cover surgery. Whether or not I can stop eating junk. Whether or not I would pass my psych eval.

Well today is looking much better. Sigh of relief Not sure why the afro. Just makes me laugh. LOL.

Anyway the psych eval went well. He said it wasn't pass or fail. But I'm taking it I passed because he signed the paper and just told me to make sure I attend at least one support group a month. And suggested that I make a list of things I would like to try to do for enjoyment/comfort besides eat. He asked lots of questions about my childhood and stuff like that which I find to be kind of annoying. My childhood was a long time ago. But I'm through with all that for night.

I also went to my OB/GYN's office and requested my non-pregnant weights. I got weights from 04, 05 and 06. My other doctor has weights from 06, 07, 08 and 09. And I saw another doctor sometimes that has weights too for a few of the years before I started seeing the doctor in 06. I may go get my records for those too. The OB/GYN records were kind of hysterical. Literally... no shitting you... they said stuff like... pleasant 22 year old female. Has excellent hygeine. Vaginal cavity was clear. Anus is healthy. Breasts are symmetrical. Patient is obese.

OMG.

Lol.

I know it's part of it. But I just feel weird about sending a paper to the insurance company with my weights that say... pleasant young woman, healthy anus, symmetrical breasts, clean vagina and fat -- but not dirty.

Lol.

Wow.

Anyway my insurance company said my out of pocket maximium is $2500 which is doable. I have to drop the stuff off for my doctor to write a letter to the insurance company tomorrow.

And then after she writes it, I can just send everything for approval to the insurance company.

Also talked to my boss. He said I wouldn't be demoted if I had surgery and had to miss a few weeks. And that I can attend a support group once a month on my lunch break and just take a longer lunch break on that day once a month.

So everything worked out.

Next issue of focus is getting my butt in the gym. I have been so tired lately and am struggling to get in there at all.

and I have to stop eating crap. I did well today because any time I am in the Carmel/Keystone area I go to the Cheesecake Factory because it is my absolute favorite. But I made sure I avoided it today. Saved me some money too! And there was cake at work that I avoided. And I didn't eat chips or candy from the vending machine at all. But I did go to McDonald's after work. Sigh. But I mean baby steps. Everything is not going to change immediately. But I need to make a conscious effort to avoid places like that.

It's been a long day! Was up late tossing and turning. So excited to go to bed! Goodnight blogland!

My insurance still covers surgery under the same terms it did last year!

That means getting approved shouldn't be too bad. I have BS BS insurance but my employer has a special thing in there about gastric bypass. No 6 month diet. Not that I haven't dieted for at least 6 months. I just don't have insurance friendly documentation.

So now I just have to gather up my weights. And get my doctor to write a letter.

And then my psych eval tomorrow!

Insurance company couldn't tell me what I needed to get approved. But the insurance lady at the surgeon's office seems to know what I need. I hope she knows her stuff! I'm sure she does. My surgeon has done over 2000 surgeries. Some of them have to have been through my employer.

Anyway... wish me luck! A little nervous about meeting with the psychologist. But it shouldn't be too bad.

I'm just going to be honest.

Happy Monday everyone!

Well as of October my insurance was pretty flexible... just needed 5 years of weights and a letter from the doctor. But I have to call tomorrow and see if the coverage is still the same. The insurance lady at the surgeon's office gave me a code to call and ask about.

Tuesday I have my psych eval. I am a little nervous because I have anxiety and depression. And I know it's going to be hard for me not to resort to food for comfort.

I have been overweight my whole life. By whole life I mean since I was literally a toddler.

I have always associated food with comfort. Also since I was fat I never had many friends during my childhood. So food also became my best and only friend.

I got married at 21. I didn't know it at the time but he is a sociopath. He doesn't feel things like other people. Something is not quite right with him. And I didn't realize it until things fell apart. The relationship sucked. And I dealt with my disappointment by turning to my former best friend. Food. I was already big at that time. But I packed on the weight after I got married.

I had an unplanned pregnancy and miscarriage the first month we were married. I was very depressed. He didn't care and wasn't concerned.

I spent most of the first year of marriage crying over ice cream.

I was in the 330's before my wedding in May of 04. By August of 04 I was up to 356. By November of that year we decided that we wanted to have a baby. And when I went to the first OBGYN appointment I weighed 409.

I gained almost 100 pounds the first year of marriage and was extremely and terribly depressed. I had another miscarriage before I got pregnant with my little girl. And I was beyond devestated.

I had pre-eclampisa when I was pregnant with my daughter. I lost weight at first. But the last month I gained a lot of weight due to swelling.  I was 456 when I delivered my daughter.

I had post-partum depression. The baby had nursing issues. She wasn't getting enough milk. She screamed for hours on end. My husband didn't care. Didn't help. He actually slept on the porch for the first week after we came home from the hosptial because his cat allergy was suddenly acting up so bad he couldn't stand to be in our house.. right.

When she was two months old he began having an affair with one his pregnant employees. I didn't know. But I knew.

The drama, lies and pain that followed were unbearable. But my weight bounced around in the 400's. Lows to 400 or so. Highs approaching 460.

The month before I found out my husband was cheating I found out my dad had yet another affair on my mom. With someone a year younger than me. My sister is 2. My daughter is 3. And a couple weeks later we found out my uncle was having an affair on my aunt. And then we found out my husband was having an affair on me.

And I was finishing college. And I had a new baby at home. And I was raising her on my own because her dad had nothing to do with her for the next 6 months of her life. Not even a phone call.

he is now married to the mistress and has 3 children with her... in 3 years. And has her 2 step-kids.

And he pays child support by force of the state by threat of jail. But he now visits at least once a week. And still flirts and acts like we are friends. Blah. Whatever.

I also worked in a maximium security prison for awhile. Which was a living hell.

My binge eating got out of control.

I got to a low point about 3 years ago where I felt sucidial. I didn't know how  I was going to continue living this way. I never actually made plans to kill myself. But I knew how I was feeling was not right. And that I needed help.

I checked myself into the hospial. They said I wasn't threatening sucide so they weren't going to admit me. But after I demanded something was wrong with me and that I needed treatment they admitted me.

After running tests they found out that I have pernicious anemia where the enzymes in my stomach can't abosorb vitamin B12 which had a lot to do with how I was feeling. I also found out that I am folic acid deficient. And all of this was leading to how I was feeling. And to my depression. And probably had something to do with my miscarriages since folic acid and B12 are pretty important in pregnancy.

Long story short I started having to get weekly B12 injections and taking folic acid supplements.

Made me feel a lot better.

I also quit the job from hell. And found one I really loved in a business setting.

I finished college. And got my degree.

Went to counseling some. Read some books. And really worked at understanding the issues that caused me to overeat.

I eventually greatly reduced or completely stopped the binge eating altogether.

I started exercising at the YMCA very regularly. I started couting calories and trying to use the Biggest Loser program.

I lost a good amount of weight for me... 25 pounds.

I was eating 2300 calories a day and buring 500 or more.

And I still wasn't seeing results fast enough. 25 pounds is great. But it's not a lot when you have 300 pounds to lose.

And I was on a pretty strict program. counting fiber, protein, etc.

I got a promotion at work! My schedule changed.

I started working a lot more hours.

And I stopped making it to the gym. This happened in May, and I've been trying to get back on track since.

But I've realized that, yes, this is going to take work. It's going to take a lot of work.

And I need to do it.

I HAVE to do it.

I have to lose weight for my health.

I have to lose weight for my sanity.

I continue to accept crappy relationships and mistreatment from men because I feel that's all I can get at my size. I know logically I need to stop that. But it's something that happens without me thinking about it.

I continue to feel like a failure and my self esteem sucks. Not because I am fat. but because I can't control my weight.

I now have arthritis in my knees.

I have trouble getting up and down and moving around.

And I am 26!

I can do much more at my weight than most people at this weight can ever dream. I can do 30 minutes of cardio at the gym.

I am generally energetic and stuff.

But it wears me out.

It's hard on me.

hard on my daughter.

I can't keep up with her.

I am out of breath.

And I am going to die.

If I don't do something to get this weight off.

And I know that I can lose weight on my own. A little weight. But it's not enough to get me where I need to be. I don't have the patience of the time quite frankly to lose 300 pounds one week at a time.

So that's why I am pursuing surgery.

I know what it takes to lose weight. I know that I will have to work hard. restrict calories and exercise.

And continue to deal with pain from my past.

But I cannot lose 300 pounds on my own with no intervention. With no help.

I need help to do that. 300 pounds at 1 pound a week... which is what you can expect to lose with traditional weight loss would take me years and years. And I dont' think I have the willpower or self-control or motvation to simply work as hard as I would have to work for as long as I would have to work to get allt he weight off.

That's why I am purusing surgery.

I need help.

I need a tool.

Because on my own, yes, I can lose weight. 25-50 pounds. Which I usually put back on.

But even if ididn't that small amount of weight is not enough to keep me healthy. To change my life. To keep me from dying an early death. I need to lose 250-300 pounds. And the statistics and logic tell me this is the best way to accomplish that goal.

So I am purusing this.

I looked into it in October. But after recsonsidering I tried to do it on my own again. And like I said I worked very hard for al ogn time and lost a minimal amount of weight. But it helped me to realize that I definitely am going to need assistance through surgery to give me the tools to do this.

Now. I am just hoping and praying that I can get approved. And get the money together for my copay portion once and if I am approved!

I need all the prayers and positive thoughts I can get!