Ok it has been over a month since I have been in my account. I guess the reason that I am not here often is because I don't have any thing good to say about my progree. I have gained amount s ten pounds in this last month. I don't have any restrictions. I can eat just about anything and as much of it that I want. I know that I shouldn't be eating everything but food is my friend. Since i really don't talk about my problems to anyone I just turn to the one thing that I know will make it better for the moment FOOD! I know that I need to seek some help. What I really wish that I could do is erase my life and start over knowing what I know now. I am 31 and I feel like I am no where in my life. I have come to the conclusion that I should hve never gotten married to my husband. I think that I am a good wife. I don't complain about the fact that we don't spend anytime together. I don't complain about the fact that he never gets me anything and puts all responsibilties on me. I just do what I have to do. I am just at the point where I want someone in my life that wants what I want. It is like he and I don't work together. Everything that he does is for him every thing that I do is for us. I guess that is why I am beating myself up. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for my because this is my cross to bear. I just have to get back on track with my band being my best friend. I want to go to the cheese cake factory and get a big slice of chocolate cake. I know that I don't need it but that is what i want. I am not going to go I just figure if I say it then it will make the cravings go away. Well I am going to go back to doing my work.
I jsut noticed that this the first time that I have updated my profile in 2007. Well Happy New Year to all. I got my second fill yesterday. I found out that I have a 12cc band called the Vangard and that it can hold up tp 15 cc. On Dec 26 I got 4cc and yesterday they gave me 4cc. So far I can't really tell the different. When i did my weight in I am in the 270's and that is progress for me. I am setting my goal to be in the 260's by April. I don't think that is to hard. I just have to make myself go to the gym and workout. I have someone in my office that is always asking me to go and I never go with her. I am just going to have to make an effort and go with her. I thought about going in the evening but by the time I get ready to leave work I am straving and I don't like that feeling. I thought that today was going to be a bad day because I locked my keys in my truck but i have decided that I am not going to let the devil ruin my day. I just celerbated my 5 years anniversiy with my DH. I never thought that we would make it. Also by the way the guy that is in my picture that is on my profile is not my DH he is a friend that works as an consultant for my company. I don't know why I felt the need to tell you that but I just didn't want it to seem strange when I do add a picture of my DH. Well I hope that everyone has a bless day. I am back on liquids so I am going to try to enjoy this protien shake that is nasty.
Today I got my first fill. It wasn't as bad as I thought that it would be. I feel a little different but I really won't be able to tell until I got back to soild food. My doctor said that I need to do liquids for about an week and then work my way back to soild food. I notice that my blood pressure was down. I did pick up some of my weight but he said that was normal because I hadn't had a fill. I forgot to ask him what size band I have and how much did be put it it. I hope to have my before and after pictures before the new year but who knows. I know that i really over did it for Christmas because I knew that I was getting my fill today and I wanted to enjoy the food. I have a dinner party that I am suppose to go to on Saturday, but I am not sure if I am going to go because I am still going to be on liquids. It is suppose to be a down south feast. Well I will try to keep this updated since the real jounery has just began.
I want to first say that today is a better day. I had to rethink things and realized that I am blessed to have a job agreat husband and wonderful friends. I guess sometimes that I am tripping off of I don't even have a clue. Right now I think that I have some gas because my stomach feels really funny. It actually feel the way that it felt when I had to go back to the hospital. Maybe I should stop eating soild foods and go to liquids for a few days. Ok I must confess I had popeyes chicken and three glaxed dounuts last night. I was sluking about work and my money troubles. I know that was not the way to deal with them but that is what I do turn to food when all else fell. My DH asked me what was wrong and I just told him that I would be okay. Maybe if I had just talked to him I wouldn't have eaten those things.Well let me get back to work and study for my up coming test. Please everyone keep me in your prayers.
OK I know that is has been awhile since I have posted. I really dont have any good news and I guess that maybe the reason. This is harder than I thought it would be. I guess because I don't have the will power right. I am also a little stressed because it is a great possibility that I maybe behind in my bills. I know that this is premature to say but I am a person that budgets everything and it seems that my bills have went up but my income has went down. Since I have had this surgery I lost on of my part-time jobs. I didn't realize at the time but i really needed that money and I am hurting because of it. I really thought that I would have still had the job because I did what any professional person would do. I wrote a letter to the owner letting him know that I would be out for about a month if I don't have any complications. Instead of him coming to me and telling me that he was going to hire someone in my place and that I wasn't going to have the position to come back to I went back to pick my check up and my co-worker informed me. His girlfriend said I should go back to him and tell him how i feel but I don't want to seem like i am crying over the situation but i just thought he wouldn't have done me like that. Anyway my husband decides that he wants me to have a truck so he trades in my car and now i have a Yukon. Don't get me wrong I love him and the truck but i don't think that we needed this extra bill right now. I think that he thinks because he did ok with his first year in his lawncare business that we have it going on. When really we are barely getting by. Then I go to my boss just to see when the company see me and my future. He comes to me with some BS about money isn't everything and I need to stay humble and be grateful for what I have. First of all who said that I am not humble and that I don't thank GOd everyday for all that He has done for me and my family. I just think because he makes six figures he doesn't realize that I don't and he really doesn't care. So I have to step my game up and get on the move with my bookkeeping certification. I know once I have this behind me it should be easy for me to find a better paying job with the experience that i have in accounting. True it would be better if I had a degree but right now that isn't in my budget and I don't even have anything to sacrfice for it. I know that one day I will find the right job that will take care of all of that.. Okay I am writing a book but I have alot to say today. I guess that i am so done with so many things.
Now on to this band. It is all me that is the reason that I am not getting the results that I should be. First I don't have a fill and I can eat just about anything. I can't eat alot of anything or I will get this sharp pain in my left side but i just think that I should be able to eat as much as I am eating. I don't get hungry that often but I do have carving which I guess will have to be fixed with prayer and willpower. I have to stop giving up so quickly when I want something. Then my husband doesn't make it any easier because he is always bringing goodies in the house and they are calling me like a drug. I wish that there was a junk food support group because I need to be the main on there. I was looking into the support groups in my area and they meet everyother Saturday but because i work on Saturdays and I really need the money I can't afford to go, but I think that is what I really need right now to be around people that are like me and that can understand my struggle. When I talk to some people that I consider friends they really don't understand because they are either small or they just think that it is too much to have WLS. Well I guess this would be a good time to go back to work or studying because that is what I am really doing. I have my first exam on Dec 29 at 3pm. Wish me luck and keep me in your prays because i need. And to all those people that are new to the game of being banded good luck and it is really worth it. Trust me I am talking to myself also.
I am really having a hard time with this band. Most of the time I my stomach is so upset that I can't even think straight. I am still partly on liquids and I think that I am going to completely go back on them back the soild food is not working for, but the only thing with the liquids I feel so tired all the time and my blood sugar goes somewhat low. I have about 5-6 ensures and maybe a can of some type of creamy soup. I am just at a lost right now. On a positive note my husband surprised me yesterday and bought me a truck. He told me that he wants me to be happy. I am happy with him. I don't need objects to make me happy but it does feel good to know that he cares. He also knows that I am having a hard time and I think that was another reason that he got it for. I know that he was talking about getting me a new car for Christmas but I told him to wait but he must have found a good deal and decided to take it. Well getting back to me and my drama. Is this band really the right tool for me because most of the time I feel sick and I don't want to eat. I know that is why I am losing the weight. That part of it does make me feel good but when I really can't enjoy my victory it is like what is the point.
I am excited about the up coming hoildays because I love being with my family. I am doing Thanksgiving with my in-laws and Christmas with my family. I know what I probably won't be able to enjoy the food but I will enjoy ficing and watching everyone eat and talk about how good it is. Last year I did Thanksgiving at our house and it was fun to have my family and my husbands over. They were talking and enoying each other that is what the hoildays are all about.
11/01/06 (12:54 pm)
It has been a whole month since I posted let me get everyone caught up on my drama. I went back to work on Oct 10 the day before my birthday. I was a little nervous about going because a few people knew what I was doing and I didn't want them to think that i was going to come back to work skinny. Well I was back the the normal routine of work went to my follow-up appointment told the surgery that I was having a little trouble but I guess that it was gas and it would go away soon. Little did I know by that next week I had to go to the ER and was admitted into the hospital because I was really in alot of pain. They gave me morphin like every hour because I was in tears. When I finally got to my room they came in there it seem like every 15 min. It was like everytime that I go to sleep someone was in there asking me questions or wanting to feel this or take my blood pressure. I stayed in there for about four days. Came out with a bruise on my leg, arm , knee and head because I passed out in the bathroom and fell in the shower. Don't ask me what happen because I don't even know. All I know is I was washing my hands then I woke up in the shower. I really don't think that the nurse believed me but I don't really care. Right now I am still in a little bit of pain but it is managable. I am suppose to go back to the doctor to take more test but they haven't called me and I don't think that I am going to call them. I was suppose to be going to San Fransico on Sunday but I had to cancell because my mother said that if any thing happened to me she would not be able to get to me that fast. It was for my job but a free trip is a free trip.
I am also a little down because I don't have one of my part-time jobs anymore and I really needed that extra money to do some things for myself. I have to be honest that I am one of those people that live from paycheck to paycheck. I thought that I would be okay by now to look for another part-time but I am just going to focus on getting better and looking for a better job that will pay me more money so I don't have to work three jobs. I am going to keep my weekend job because it is fun and I love the way the men flirt with me. I know once I really start losing the weight they are really going to be trying to take me out. I do have a husband but you know how it is when they don't pay to much attention. I know that my DH is on a mission trying to get his lawncare business up and running but I do miss the quality time. Well it was good to get some things off my chest. I am going to try my best to keep all up dated.
I also wanted to let you guys know that I have lose another 7 pounds. I know it was because of the hospital they didn't let me eat. All I had was a IV.
Ok I am four days post-op and I am in pain. I am having a little regret about having it done. I think that it is because of all the pain that I am going through. My husband just had a tainturm I think that he is not enjoying not getting all of the attention becaue normally I would be waiting on im hand and foot but right now he is having to do all that I do to run the house. He makes it seem like I don't do anything because of the fact that he works full-time and is running his business ful-time that I don't do everything that he does. Now I work three jobs and take care of the house true not like i should because of the weight I was always tired maybe this will change when I start dropping the pounds.
I got on the scale today and I am out of the 300. It has ben years since I have seen 200 whatever.
Well my head is starting to pound so I am going to lay down.
I will write more later.
Well I have two more days until I am banded I hope anyway. I was just thinking and being honest with myself that I did not stick to the liquids like I was suppose to do and now I may not be having the surgery. I am just going to have to hope and pray that everything will still happen. I don't really have much to say because it is still early in the morning for me when really I should be use to this because of the fact that I am normally at work around this time.
Well I guess I will post tomorrow.
I guess that I need to really start getting ready for my life changes. I am getting a little more nervous as the time is getting closer but I keep telling myself that this is for the best. I know that God is holding and is going to be holding me while I am going through my surgery. It has been sort of tough with the medication. Just being on the liquids itself is hard. If I do slip up and eat something I make sure that it is healthy. I pray that everything is going to go great and that when I wake up I am on the losers ide. One thing that I do want to vent about is the fact that I miss sweets a little. I think that is because I am due to come on. This is really the only time that I want red meat and sweets.
I have decided to give me goals today.
1. lose 130 pounds ( I am not going to set a time because I want to lose it slow and healthy)
2. Start preparing for my wedding that I have always dreamed of.(Yes I know what I wrote about my husband the other day but I have to be honest with myself I love him and can't live without him)
3. Finish my bookkeeping certification
4.Look for another job
5. Live life to the fullest and be happy more.
6.Maybe to be able to buy something sexy to wear as my coming out party.
I know this may not seem like alot but this is how I am starting. As time goes on I know that I will be adding more. One more thing I am going to work on being a better wife to moy husband and not be so hard on him when he makes a mistake. No one is perfect and I can't expect him to do everything right. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am going to work on loving him unconditionally.
Have a bless day
I am wondering if I am strong enough for the jounery that I am about to take. I can't even stick to a simple two liquid diet. I have to be honest with myself. I am a emotionally eater. Food makes me feel better and this weekend was a bad one. I just am so confused about my husband. Last night he was acting as if nothing ever happened like he did say anything about is not being together anymore. I have to really question myself as to why I am really wanting to lose weight. I know that has alot to do with my self esteem. I love myself but do I love myself enough. I looked at my house last night and it is a mess just like my life. I don't really know if I am coming or going. I have everyone around me coming to me for advice as if I know anything. If they only knew how weak I am. How I just want to go in a corner and cry. Well I have to get ready to go to my third job.
It has been a few days since I posted. I am really having a hard time with the liquid diet. It is more so because of my husband. Some parts of me makes me think that he is trying to mess me up on purpose. He is always bring junk food in the house when he know
s that it my weakness. I sometime wonder if we are going to make it. We just had an arguement yesterday because I asked him to get the cats in there cages for me so that when I got of of work all I had to do was pick them up and go because I was on a schedule. No he was next door running his mouth. When I pulled up he said that I took to long and he counldn't get both of them in there. Now it took me every bit of ten second to get them in the cages. I just don't even know why I need him around other than to pay the bills that he pays because he is not helpful at all. That is the reason that I am staying at my mothers house after the surgery because I know that he would not be any help and I probably would end up back in the hospital because I would have to do things my self. He wonders why I don't ask him to do anything. WELL because everytime that I do he either says no or just doesn't do it right. Maybe it is the liquid talking but he is really starting to annoy me. He also made the statement that maybe I should be married to someone else. So I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he didn't say anything. Some how I think maybe that would be for the best. Sorry to be going on and on about this but I don't really have anyone else that I can vent to that won't have some type of opinion. I just don't even know if all of this is worth it because I am an emotionally eater and what i really want to turn to is some food. Part of me wants us to be happy and together but the other part of me is what is the point. I am not happy most of the time. I work three jobs I don't really have any time for myself. My husband doesn't spend any time with me. He would rather be with his friends or any where that I am not. SO that tellms that that he doesn't want to be with me either. The only other time that he is happy or acts happy with me is when I am doing something for him or he needs something from me. I am just going to let go and let God. I don't have anymore tears because they are all dried up.
I started the liquid diet yesterday and the soup is not good. I guess that I am going to have to deal with it because I want to make sure that everything goes right with the surgery. I must say that I am not hungry after drinking the shakes or drinking to soup. The protein bar isn't very good either. I will keep everyone update. I have 14 more days to go.
I am so excited but nervous at the same time. I just noticed that my date is two weeks to the day of my birthday. I am not sure why I noticed that so much but anyway. I am just ready to get this process over with. Thursday I go and get the opti-fast shakes so that I can start the liquid diet. This should be interesting. I have been getting in all of the foods that I love because I know that this really is the last few days that I can have it. I think that I made a mistake but telling a few people that I work with because I know that they are going to watching me just to see the changes. I think that once I am fully healed and hopeful have passed my bookkeeping certification course that I going to look for another job. I think that I am also going to do my goal list so that I have something to look forward to in the next up coming months. I have a trip to San Franciso in Nov I want to ready to wear something sexy even though this trip is for work. I am also going to redeciate my life back to the Lord. I have been lost for so long and I know that is the one thing that is missing in my life. I work three jobs rightn ow to pay my bills and I know that is not healthy for so I am going to have to leave it all up to God to help me and show me the way. Well I hope that everyone has a blessed day.
Ok I don't know what the deal is but I am really feeling down. I can't even say that I don't know what is wrong I just don't want to deal with what is wrong. I am really ready for the day to come when I am on the losers side.
Okay I just got the call I am finally approved I will be on the losers side in less than a month. I am somewhat nervous but I know that I am in the Lords hands.
I am so happy yesterday I thought that the world was going to end because the doctor that I has chosen for my mental evlauation said that he didn't do them so I knew that was going to hold me back. So I went home planning on going back to bed and mope when I decided to make some calls and fine a doctor that would do it in the next few days because the time is really getting close and I like a month out from my date. By the grace of God I found a doctor and my appointment is Aug 29 at 3:00. I am going to call them everyday until my appointment to see if anyone has cancelled and maybe get it done sooner.
Okay let me tell you about this insurance company. Ok they sent a letter stating that the surgeons office didn't send them enough information. Now I called them several times because giving everything to the surgeons office because I wanted to make sure that I had everything together. First they told me that I didn't need a mental evaluation. Then after everything was submited they changed it up and said that I did. Ok that is not a problem then they said that they needed more information from the WL doctor. I was somewhat confused because I thought that the medical records would be enough. So yesterday I gave the insurance company a call because I wanted them to explain to me what else they wanted from the WL doctor. So she said I would have to call the surgeons office for them to explain it to me. Then went I got to work I got a call from the surgeons office and they said that all I needed was the mental evaluation and I would get the approval. It just goes to show that you have to stay on top of these people because if you don't then they can tell you anything. So in a month I will be reborn in my new body and lifestyle. I am some what nervous but I am just going to have to stay prayful. So everyone be blessed today.
I called the insurance company yesterday and they told me that the nurse is reviewing my paperwork now. I want to call everyday just to see where they are. The first reason that I want to know is because I want to be on the loser side and the next is because it is a possibility that I maybe changing jobs which means my insurance will change and I would have to start all over and I really don't want to do that. I am going to take the job I am just going to have to stay on top of the insurance company to get my approval done. If I don't get approved then I am just going to start over when I start my new job that way the requirements may not be as hard. Not really sure. I know that God is good because I didn't even have to interview for the job. A friend of mine called me and said that she had a job for me if I wanted it. I had to first find out if it was some thing that I wanted to do. It is till in my field of accounting so I was down. Also it is a Maryland state goverment job so that means once you are in you are in. I want to Thank God for blessing me with this job. It was nobody but him. I know that i would not be where I am if it wasn't for HIM. I give HIM all the praise. I always thank HIM for the good and the bad because everything we go through is a lesson. I know that I am testifying but I just want everyone to know that HE is an AWESOME GOD.
Ok I am really excited I went to my diet appointment today and realized that today is my sixth month date. So I hope now I can get the process going. I talked to the surgeon's assistant and she said that she would send all the information into the office to see if she can get an approval. I am going to pray that everything is a go and I can have my surgery in the next few months I want it done before my birthday. I will keep you update. Maybe I will be on the losing side very soon.
Tonight is my sleep study. I stayed up really late so that I would be able to sleep when I get there. Right now I am realyl sleepy but i know that will change once I get there. I have had on of these done before it I didn't have much sleep. I have already been told that I have sleep apena. There are just going to test me for my CPAP machine. I really don't know how that is going to work in my bedroom. I guess that just have to wait and see. I am just so ready to get all of this over with. I have been thinking about the fact that it is almost time for the holiday and I may not be able to eat anything. I know that I am going to cook for either Thanksgiving or Christmas I just hope that I am on solid food by then I just hope that I get a date before this year is over because I have met my deductible and I will not have to come out of pocket with anything. That maybe because I go to the doctor every month for something. Well I hope that everyone out the in the WLS world has a great evening and GOD BLESS.
Ok yesterday I had an appointment to see the sleep study doctor. It was a bit freaky. In the since that I knew that I had sleep apnea but I just didn't really know to what extent. He said that I had a mild case that I only stop breathing about four times in an hour. Ok that sound a bit more than mild but he is the doctor so I guess that he knows what he is talking about. I have a new sleep study on Sept 3-4 I think that I am going to change that appointment because I didn't realize last night when I made it that the date was labor day. I want to be able to party with my family that will be here from South Carolina. One good thing that i did find out is that the reason that I am always tired is because of the sleep apnea. I feel that this process is taking forever. My next doctor diet supervised appointment is Aug 11 I know that is only a week away but I still have another after that before I have a total of six months. This would have been my last one had I gone to my appointment in April but I really didn't have the money. The visits are $55.50. Just for them to weight and tell me to stop eating red meat. I have to be honest I always tell them that I am going to stop but it is hard because i crave beef so much. I don't eat it everyday but I do eat it alot.
I want this to be over now so that I can start my new life. This dumb supervised weight loss program is pointless. I jsut wish that I had gotten this done when I had Blue Cross Blus Shields. It was just that the surgeon that I met with at the time didn't know anything about lap band and really wanted me to get bypass. I just thought that was to much for what I wanted at the time. Had I known that Dr Brody was right around the corner in the same office.
7/21/06 (2:26 pm)
I have had my second consult and it went really great. I really don't think that this is going to be a long process because Dr Brody is on top of his game. All I have to do now is just complete my supervised diet which I only have two more visit and then I get my date. So it will be after Sept 06. I am so excitied. I hope that in about two to three months that I will be part of the banded family.
7/20/06 (11:17 am)
Ok tomorrow is my big day. I have my second consult with the surgeon to see what other steps I need to take. I have two more month to do as far as the supervised diet is concerned now I guess I have to see what the insurance company is going to do. I am really excited about this. I really don't have anyone else to talk to about it but this page because my family and friends don't understand. All of them say that I just need to get a breast reduction but they don't see what I see when I take my cloths off. It is so depressing. Just because it doesn't look like I weight 300 plus I really do. One good thing that I forgot to mention was that I went to the supervised diet clinic this morning and I am down another tow pounds so I am at 307lbs. Not sure how much weight Dr Brody is going to ask me to lose but I have a plan. There is this diet called the Lemonade Diet. I know you may think that it is me drinking lemonade all day it isn't. It is also known as the master cleanse. I have had a few friends to do it and they said that they have lost 10-15 pounds in tow weeks. The basis of it is to clean you colon. It is said that you carry about 20-30 pounds of fecial matter in you colon and that is what sometimes causes you to have a pouch. So bascially what this does is to make you poop. I know it sounds gross but I guess anything to make you regular is a good thing.
My appointment is at 11:15 am tomorrow wish me luck hopeful there isn' tto many more things I have to do before they are telline me when my date is. I have a cruise that I am suppose to be going on in Nov 06. I want to be banded by then.
6/28/06 (1:00 pm)
I am really excited that I have decided to take this big step in my life. I am a 30 year old female that has been dealing with weight issue all of my adult life. Having this weight issue has really played on my self esteem. I have alot of friend all whom are small and they don't make me feel out of place but I know that I am out of place. I guess that I can say that I am lucky to have a husband that doesn't care about my weight but some times I really don't know. Some times when we are watching TV he makes these little comments about the women that are on there. It really hurts my feeling because I know that I am not or may not ever look like them.
I don't want anyone to think that I am having WLS to look good well that is not the only reason, but the main reason is to stop taking all of the medication that I am on. It seems that everytime I go to the doctor she is telling me there is something wrong. I almost have decided to stop going because all of these pills make me sick (literally). Well that pity party is over and my journey is about to begin. I have a 2nd consultation appointment on July 21, 2006. I am hoping that they will give me a date as to when but I know that it won't be that east but lets just keep our fingers crossed.
After reading alot of the profiles I have decided to try to lost some weight before my appointment on July 21. Since it is a great possibility that I may be asked to lost the weight I will put my best foot forward and try on my own right now. I will write back later and let you know my day on progess.
This morning I went to the weight loss doctor and I gained a pound from the two pounds that I losed. I am a little disappointed but what did I expect. .