Day 3,4,and 5
Apr 17, 2009
I have to say that the 5 day puch test got easier as the days went by. I do feel so much better and I am glad that I stuck to it. I can even tell that my stomach has gotten smaller and a plus I got on the scale and it seems that 4 pounds are gone. I really think that it was water because all I do now is drink. I don't feel weak like I did before and also it is not hard for me to get up in the morning. I guess it is true they say you are what you eat. So my next mini goal is to get back to 260 and work from there. That is about 15 pounds so I am going to start back working out and two meals a day are going to be the protein shakes until I feel completely comfortable with my eating. Since I have been doing it for five day a few more wont hurt. Oh yeah I changed my pouch test a little. I did liquids most of the day and at the end I would have a soft protein like tuna or a boiled egg. I found it much easier for me to follow. So when I got home and had to cook for my husband it wasn't so bad because I did have something to eat. Well it is the end of my work day and I am really looking forward to the weekend. I have a lot of work to do but I guess it is a little better when you are at home and not at work.
I am also going to work on my career goal to be working for myself by 2010. I think that it a reasonable time.
Well OH family have a blessed and wonderful weekend.
Chastity BKA Sweetness
Day 1 & 2 of the 5 day pouch test
Apr 13, 2009
Oh BTW I don't know if I said this before but I just got my AA degree in accounting so I have a year to go before I have my BA. I tell you God is great and I thank Him. Looking back over the last year I have came a long way and I know that I have a long way to go but I am going to make it. With all the love and support from OH and my family it will all be good.
Peace and Blessings
Feel like a failure
Mar 11, 2009
Maybe things will change. I just got a new job so I don't have to worry about my supervisor anymore. That is one thing gone and the place is about five blocks from the metro so I will get plenty of exercise walking. I just thought that I would have been half way down by now. The funny thing is I don't even eat alot I guess that it is what I am eating THe KRispy Kreme. I know that I am talking to myself right now because I just think if I get this off my chest I can start new. At the new job no one knows me and I don't have to worry about them asking me questions about my weight. I can bring my lunch everyday because where the place is the resturants are really expensive and I am trying to build my savings back up.
Well I am going to get back to work I just want to get something off my chest.
New Year is it really?
Jan 05, 2009
Now for the changes that I have to come in 2009. I have went back to school to finish my Associates degree this will be completed in March. I finally finished my last bookkeeping test and hopefully will find out the results today or tomorrow if I am a certified bookkeeper. I am going to make 2009 my year. There are some other changes that I am going to have to make that I really don't want to face but if I don't it will put me in my grave earlier than I should be. I am going to have to leave my husband. I have been trying my best to be strong and not worry about what he does but it is taking a toll on my and my stress level. Since I really don't have the desire to eat I am taking my atitude out on other people. I really love him and want to work things out but how many times can you let a person cheat on you and keep staying. I am just being his fool and I don't like the way that it feels anymore. I am going to change to a more positive subject because I can feel the tears coming. I spent the new year in bed sick and had a lot of time to think about what I want out of 2009.
1. Is to be happy
2. To love myself the way I use to
3. Find a new job
4. Build up my confidence
5. Reach my goal weight
I don't feel any of the things that I have listed are hard to attain. I am just going to stay prayful and let the Lord show me the path to take.
Peace and Blessing for all in 2009
Oct 31, 2008
I am not trying to beat myself up but I am proud of myself. Being able to deal without the food as my support. I guess I have a new obession. I am really trying to get back into school so I can finish my degree. I hate my job not really what I do I like that but I just don't see any future for me where I am. Everytime I go to a job interview they tell me I have alot of experience but I don't have the degree to back it all up. So I figured I would stop going on the interviews and use that time to get my degree. It has been tough looking at jobs that I really want to apply for but then I realize that they are not going to pay me what I want unless I have that piece of paper. I know that it is going to be hard but I am just going to do what I have to do to get it done. I having told my DH about it. Not that feel he would have something negative to say I just want to talk to him about it when I am almost done or even when I am done. He is always telling me that I start something and never finish so I want to start this and finish. I am really close to my bookkeeper certification. I have only one more test to take and I will be done. I really have two but that one is an open book so I know that I am not going to have any trouble with it. Well people pray for me and I will pray for you. Even if you don't pray for me I will be praying for you.
Much love and Blessing
Falling back into same habits
Sep 30, 2008
I know that once you look at the title you are like ????? Well I have to be honest I don't really like reaching out for help. I am the person that everyone comes to for help. I may not be able to eat as much as I use to but I know that what I am eating isn't good for me. I am using food as my comfort. I try not to eat until my stomach hurts but most of the time I do. I really miss eating. At first I thought I had it. Then it is like something in my just snapped. I have been thinking about just packing my stuff and leaving so that I can be left alone. I just don't want to deal with anything or anybody any more. I am not feeling my supervisor. He is always talking to me. Not fussing but talking down to me like I am dumb. Ok I don't have a degree but I have been doing accounting now for over seven years. That should account for something. Then my home financial situation is getting worse by the minute. I think that we may lose our house and everything else that we have worked hard for. I am glad that I haven't gained any weight but I sure haven't lost anything either. I am suppose to go back to see my surgeon for my three month check-up but I don't even want to make the appointment. I know that they are going to say something about how many calories I am getting in. I stopped going to the gym because my boss is an ass and he keeps trying to tell me how to work out so that I can get muscle. Ok if I have never really went before why do I need to know how to get muscle. I have a hard enough time staying on the treadmill for 30 min. All of my other co-workers that go with me said I just need to tell him to leave me alone. But they don't understand that they don't work directly with him. He is the type that would take it personal and use it against me in my review. And the person above him loves him and would believe anything that he tells him so I know what you are thinking. It won't work. I know that I am making excuses but somethings it just feels good just to get out what I feel. I know that God doesn't put to much on use that we can't bare. Right now I feeling like I am carrying the whole load. I do love my sleeve and I don't want to do anything that will hurt it or hurt me. I just wish that some of these pressures would just release and let me be for awhile. I have a test that I need to take my Oct 15 I study almost every day but I still can not seem to keep the information it my mind. I know that it could be because I have so much going one but this is something that I have been working on for almost three years and if I don't get it done by the end of the year then I will have to take all of the other test over again.
Well I just wanted to get some of this off of my chest.
Just getting some stuff off my mind
Sep 17, 2008
My Co-worker and friend told me yesterday that I have changed. Meaning that she is seeing some of the old Chastity come through. I guess this is because and I am going to be honest. I am just sick of being the one that seems to have nothing. Well let me explain. I am really trying hard to get out of the debt that my husband has gotten us into. I take blame for this because I should have put my foot down and told him no we can't afford this. Not saying that I didn't say anything at the time when these purchases are made. But I just didn't force it. Well because I didn't put my foot down we are really behind in all of our bills even the mortgage. I am trying to get another part-time job. Yes right now I have my day time and a part-time but I need another one. I don't know when I will sleep. I really think what I am going through is causing me to stall. I don't over eat because I really don't have much to eat meaning at home but I don't turn to food. I some times think that if I become that person that doesn't care then maybe life will be a little easier. It seems to me that people who treat people like sh** are the ones that have it good. The people that will step on you and stab you in the back are the ones that get the better jobs or make the money. This person isn't me but it seems to me that I am turning into this type of person. It is like I don't care anymore about anyones feelings. I decided to go to church this week it did help a little and I believe that is the reason that I can be honest about this. I am not going to sit here and beat myself up but this is all my fault. I should have stayed in school when I was having the nervous break down. I should have pushed myself. Now all I here when I am applying for a job is that yes I have over 7 years of accounting experience but that just isn't enough I need to have a degree. Now that I feel I am mature enough to handle school I can't afford it. I need to take my certification test b Oct 1 but know what I can't afford to pay for the test. I am nervous because that is going to be on my mind when I am studying if I don't pass I don't get reimbursed for the fees. I just feel like my life is going down. Ok maybe it is true God will not put to much on you that you can't bare. So He knows when to say when. I finally think that my husband is seeing how serious this situation is. At first I thought maybe if I was a good wife and not bring it up. But them I had to let him know that I can't do it anymore. When I had the complications from the surgery I didn't not know that this was going to happen. I planned to get out the hospital in four days and be back at work in the next two. I was out for a month and the disability check was peanuts. It didn't really cover anything. Ok I think that I am gong to stop because this really isn't making me feel better. It is just making me think about it more. Now I am not going to do something crazy like kill myself but something I just don't know. This is the kicker. I can't even afford my medication. I just told a good friend of mine and she was really concerned. I know that this isn't a good idea because this is my health that I am taking about........
Sep 12, 2008
Ok first and foremost I want to thank God for all his glory. For him waking me up this morning and giving me the strenght to make it everyday.
Now I have been really thinking that I made the best decision to have the sleeve done. I have lost almost 40 pounds in two months. I would never had done this on my own or with the band. I am not saying that the band doesn't work it just didn't work for me.
On to the reason why I called this post reflections. I have been noticing how different people in my office, at home and even on the street look at me. At first I know that I was getting noticed because of my breast now I think that I am getting noticed because you can see how I am losing weight. When someone in my office asked me if I had an eating disorder I had to laugh because everyone is so use to me being the fat girl or overweight girl. Now that I am losing a little weight and going to the gym I have to have some type of disorder. That is just so funny for me.
Next it seems that my confidence is up I am wearing clothes that I haven't wore in years and shoes also. Everyone is telling me I look so nice and I really think that it is going to my head. I can really understand how when person loses weight they change. It is really easy to do. When you go unoticed for so long it really feels good to get the attention. I don't want to be a different person because I am losing weight but I am. I feel so much better. I really don't complain about to much. Only what I have control over changing. I use to not want to go to work because of certain people not I can look at those people and smile and say they have the problem I don't. I just feel so good. I like being the person that can walk around like I am on cloud nine and no one knows why. Oh yeah I didn't tell anyone in my office that I was having a new surgery done so the only way they will know is if they come to this website. I just want to express how I am truly blessed. It seems like only weeks ago I was so depressed not it just seems like whatever it was just wasn't that important. I love life and I love myself which helps me to deal with any thing that maybe going on. Not to be putting my busy in the streets but about a week ago I was at my desk at work almost in tears wondering how am I going to pay my mortgage. Now I don't have enough to pay it and all my bills. Then it seems that I had this strange feeling come over me and I just didn't worry about it anymore. I get paid on Monday and I may not have enough to cover the whole thing but for some reason I am not worried about it because I know that God will make away. That goes back to what I have control over. I can't make money just appear so I just have to work with what I have and I know again that God will make a way out of no way. I really hope that someone will read this post and have a blessing from it. I just wanted to share that some times you just have to give it to God. He will not come in your time but you best believe He will be right now time.
I have only three pounds to lose to get to my first mini goal. Please pray for me that I will make it. I just have to leave those carbs alone. Last night I learned that sweets are the enemy and we will never be friends again. I have to put something else in that place. To be honest it is a good thing. Maybe I will get off of my diabetes medication sooner since I know now that I am not able to tolerate sweets.
Okay OH fam have a wonderful and blessed weekend.
Sweetness BKA Chastity
It is just one of those days
Aug 14, 2008
Right now I am in so much pain from head to toe. My head is throbbing. I am angry with myself for not finishing college because I would be out of this hell hole that I am in. I said that after I get out of the hospital that I would have a different atitude but I tell you that it is almost impossible. I am so fake at work and that is just not me. I am they type of person that says whatever is on my mind and I know that sometimes people cannot handle this but why should I hold back when at any given time someone will say whatever to me. I guess because I am not eating no where near what I use to eat when I had the band and the scale isn't moving I am just taking this out on everyone. I don't want a pity party I just want to feel like myself. I am sitting here trying my best not to start crying because my emotions are going crazy. I keep asking myself what was I thinking when I did this. Do I want to be thin so bad that I would risk everything. I am just at a lose right now.
Please God if you hear me help me to be a better person and not be so hard on myself when I feel that things are not going the way that I think that they should. Help me not to take everything so serious. I have to go because the tears are coming down and I don't want anyone to see me.
Chastity feeling like the failure.
Back at work
Aug 05, 2008
Anyhoo I bought some whey protien and it is pretty good. I use two scoops and blend it in some soy milk. When I drunk it this morning I really couldn't tell if I was full since I don't even most of the time know when I am hungry. I am drinking about 5oz for lunch I do feel a little bloated that maybe because today is the last day of my TOM. Glad to see that going maybe the scale will move. I am really working on getting 60oz of water in a day. I know that is a big problem for me. It is also funny that everyone in the office keeps telling me I look good or I have lost weight when I look in the mirror I don't see any difference. I just want this weight to come off. I need to start going back to the gym. I just feel so lazy I guess that is because I really am not getting much food in. Last night I bought some sugar free pudding and popicles. I also got some cheese sticks for snacks. I don't think that I am getting in but about 500 calories I guess that is enough for right now.