Trinity082974
Feeling Overwhelmed
Oct 27, 2011
I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm feeling so overwhelmed this week. Don't know if its because of the bad news about that job that I desperately wanted.
I'm feeling completely pissed off. Pissed off that I feel as though all the responsibilities are falling on my shoulders with Brianna's school. I'm so mad that Leonard doesn't listen to me when I speak. It seems I say what I say but he chooses to hear what he wants to hear and he never asks any questions. I don't know what to do with him. I don't know how to communicate with him. I feel as though I'm wasting my time with him. I'm afraid he's about to embarrass me at work. A lot of high place people are risking to get him there, to get him on board and if he listens at work the way he listens to me at home, it's going to be problematic and my reputation is going to be at stake. I don't know how to communicate with him. I don't know what to do with him. My initial instinct is to add more responsibilities on me. I could very well, be the one to put out Brianna's clothes every night but then he will completely depend on me and if I don't put out clothes one day, he will blame me for whatever. I hate that he doesn't take any ownership for his actions. Well, he said, that's what you told me. Why the hell would I tell him to put Brianna in normal clothes on a Thursday, how does that make any sense. How do I tell him that dress down day in on a Friday, the last Friday of EVERY month? I don't know about him.
About that job, I'm feeling hurt. I'm angry that my track record didn't give me that job. I hate that Marcel chose Ryan instead of me. I thought I had proved myself to him and Ian, how can he do that to me? This job was the next logical step for me career wise. I really did not want to go back to my group. Do not want to go get orders from another boss when I've been the boss so many times. I know I can do that job, that job should be mine. It's very humbling to go back down. And that team, I'm really not looking forward to dealing with Seamus and Dave and all the slackers. Oh boy, what am I going to do?
I'm also very disappointed with myself and my weight loss effort. I feel like such a failure. Like I let everyone down, including myself. Why can't I do well at the weight loss. Why do I always want to give up. It's the fucking hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I just want to drown my sorrows in food. I'm so mad at myself. I'm tired of all my fucking excuses to do what i want and reward myself instantly. What is wrong with me, why can't I start something and finish it. Why do I always have to quit. What's wrong with me! Why am I stopping myself from being successful and for wanting to increase my chances of living a long life. Don't I love my kids enough to want to do this for them. There is no easy road, its going to be hard, why is my instinct is to run when the going gets tough. Why am I always trying to start the next day and after days of doing that, a month goes by and there is no progress. I know all this is mental and I don't know where to go to get the mental help that I need.
Right now, I'm feeling tired, cold and depressed. I wish I could sleep my life away. I don't know what to do. Things are just too hard for me right now. I feel embarrassed about Brianna not wearing her uniform. I feel like I let her down. I'm desperately trying to project an image of a family that is all together. When they see Brianna at school without her uniform, all they see is that Mom didn't do her job. Makes me look like a failure as a mother. But what could I have done to avoid this situation? Nothing except take on more on my shoulders. Either every night before going to bed put her clothes out or wake up in the morning to see what she's wearing. But is it fair for me to take on some more? Is it fair to add yet one more thing on my plate. I already feel so overwhelmed with everything else I have to do on my list. I'm sick and tired of doing fucking finances, initiating laundry and having to put the kids away, doing dad's finances, doing the cooking, worrying about my weight, worrying about the damn towels in the kitchen, figuring what to do for dinner. Remembering and working with Brianna on her show and tell. Getting food for us, getting food for Markus. All is on me. I have too much on my plate, my brain cannot handle everything. I'm so overwhelmed.
Another question, why did he put on her the exact same clothes she wore the last dress down day? Isn't he thinking, can't he remember shit? What is wrong with that guy called my husband?
