Trinity082974
To Journal or not to journal...
Feb 12, 2013
I decided to move all my journal entries from Penzu in this website. This is now Marie's official blog. I feel everywhere I turn, all the different professionals I speak to, they all tell me that I should start journaling. For some reason, I'm having such a tough time with it. I don't know what to write and I always feel that my English is below the standards out there. I have zero confidence in my writing skills. So I'm always scared to write things down thinking that the people reading my entries will think that I'm illiterate (however you spell that word). I guess I should stop being so hard on myself, English is after all my second language. Anyways, since I'm hearing everywhere, that I should blog. I thought that since I'm about to embark in a new weight loss journey, it might be good for me to journal more often. Who knows, it might be the key to my success.
As I was transferring the various entries from Penzu on this website, I noticed that I haven't changed at all since 2011. All the fears, worries, concerns I had back then, are still there. I haven't addressed any of those issues in the past two years. The only thing that changed is the opposite of what I wanted. So back in October 2011, I weighed 288lbs and now, two years later I'm at 347 lbs. How funny, back then I was getting so stressed out because I kept on losing the same 5 lbs and now to get to the weight that stressed me out so much back then, I would need to lose about 60 lbs. What happened to me, how did I get there? How the hell did I let myself go so bad? I guess I've officially hit rock bottom! I don't think things can really get worse than they are right now. I could spend the next hour going through why I'm such an idiot and let myself go so far down but you know, today I chose to focus more on what am I going to do about it!
What am I going to do about it? Well, I'm going to get RNY Gastric Bypass Surgery. I'm going to take a very extreme measure to help me deal once and for all to this weight loss issue. I'm in the process of embarking in a life changing journey. A journey that will be difficult, one that will have a bunch of bumps in the road, one that will force me to look at all my demons in their face and tell them to get the hell out of my life. There will be tears, there will be pain, there will be sacrifices, I'm about to embark in a year of hell. It will be hell, but it will be well worth it. As GhrenlinBGone said, at the end of this journey, I will be free!
I will be successful, I have no choice but to be successful, I cannot continue living the way I've been all these years. I need to make this change, to finally be able to look at myself in the mirror and actually love the person that I see. I know I can do it, I will do it and I will damn be proud of myself.
I know this blog is all over the place, but so is my mind. I will try to write in the next few days, who knows, I'll get better at it with practice!
