Vicki In A Clam Shell

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I have been stuck here between 182-192 lbs for the past 6 months, yo-yoing up and down and staying mainly around 185.  It has been frustrating wanting to get to goal.  I have tried keeping the carbs out of my life, keeping the protein up and it seems it just doens't matter what I do I am sitting here.  I started drinking protein shakes again this past Sunday, because I was swollen terribly in my face and legs.  The swelling is gone today but the weight is still not moving.  I can't even describe my feelings about this.  I think at it's worst I feel like I have been given the platinum of surgeries and I have failed with the best.  At its best I am grateful for the success I have and am determined to live every day to its fullest.  Most of the time I hang in between in that limbo land of frustration and despair.  So I am making an effort to move on with my life, be happy and see where this surgery takes me.  I know that normal people have to make lifetime changes for their health.  So in that vein, I am just looking at the shakes as a part of my life and staying locarb as my existence - good thing about keeping the shakes in my body is that the carb cravings are satisfied with so little.  I made a homemade carrot cake last night with real cream cheese icing and was happy with just 4 bites.  That is not me, I am a member of the clean plate club.  I am very happy with this new idea of stopping when I am satisfied and I truly feel that keeping the protein drinks in my life gives me that ability.  We will see where the next few months takes me but, keeping away from depression will be key.  Staying connected with the board and with people in general will help.  So, I wanna be upbeat but can't really keep the disappointment out of my head.

I have had to search for this too many times so posting it here

I've had to go searching for this too many times, so I'm posting it here. Great, understandable info.

The beautiful and brilliant Diana Hamlet-Cox explained it thusly:

A "stall" at this point is inevitable, and here is why. 

Our bodies use glycogen for short term energy storage. Glycogen is not very soluble, but it is stored in our muscles for quick energy -- one pound of glycogen requires 4 lbs of water to keep it soluble, and the average glycogen storage capacity is about 2 lbs. So, when you are not getting in enough food, your body turns first to stored glycogen, which is easy to break down for energy. And when you use up 2 lbs of glycogen, you also lose 8 lbs of water that was used to store it -- voila -- the "easy" 10 lbs that most people lose in the first week of a diet.

As you stay in caloric deficit, however, your body starts to realize that this is not a short term problem. You start mobilizing fat from your adipose tissue and burning fat for energy. But your body also realizes that fat can't be used for short bursts of energy -- like, to outrun a sabertooth tiger. So, it starts converting some of the fat into glycogen, and rebuilding the glycogen stores. And as it puts back the 2 lbs of glycogen into the muscle, 8 lbs of water has to be stored with it to keep it soluble. So, even though you might still be LOSING energy content to your body, your weight will not go down or you might even GAIN for a while as you retain water to dissolve the glycogen that is being reformed and stored.

Breathe, and fuggedaboudit for a few days.
 

Well, to be honest I didn't post on purpose.  I have suffered from head games throughout this whole process and lately I simply cannot tell a difference in the mirror.  Physically things are as different as night and day.  Last week I started the couch to 5k running program, last April I would have told anyone that asked that I was allergic to sweat and I wouldn't be running unless it were for my life.  I suppose in a way I am running for my life now.  I do it because I can and I enjoy doing everything I can, from zipping up a size 10 skirt this morning to bending over to tie a shoe and breathing at the same time.  The peace of mind that comes from knowing I will never suffer from diabetes is priceless.  But the head games continue.  So this post is cathartic and I know you guys are great for the positive affirmation that keeps us all going at times.  I look in the mirror these days and still see myself at 270 lbs like in this picture

 
I think I was cute, very big but cute and happy really but suffering, dying really from an onslaught of sugar related problems in my body and unable to get control of it myself.  This woman is smiling but she is out of control.  The DS has taken 85 lbs from me with no effort at all on my part, I take vitamins and I count protein.  Since last week I have upped my protein to between 150-180 grams a day to help build muscle because I have lost alot of tone along with the 85 lbs.  I have a new body, a new house and a new studio.  Life really couldn't get much better than this but I still suffer from this woman above in my mirror.  She wonders if she will ever get to goal and if she does will she be able to see the real her in the mirror.  I attempt to talk to husband about these issues but he really does not get it.  I realize fact from fiction and that is why I take these pictures, pictures make things more real for me - here I am at one year out and down about 85 lbs - or thereabouts have to check my ticker for the exact number


I am happy, healthy and so optimistic about the future.  I also want to add that I thought I felt good before I started exercising but I really had no idea how good I really could feel.  I would highly recommend you do something, anything.  The couch to 5k program has an iPod Podcast that helps you count your running vs walking time, it really helps.  I never dreamed I would be able to do this.  I hope I am able to post photos of some muscles in the future, until then I am enjoying my new, smaller, though squishy body.  Love to all

I am amazed at the change in me.  I am healthier, look better and feel better.  That doesn't begin to describe what I feel like or what I look like though.  Those things I don't have the words for.  On the BMI scale I am no longer morbidly obese, merely overweight.  I can live with that.  If I never lost another pound I could live with that but I know I am still losing.  I guess my biggest struggle now is letting go of all of the years of dieting I endured.  I still subconsciously watch what I eat and end up not eating enough and feeling guilty for eating too much when that is not the case.  So, tracking has been helpful for me.  I have been using Sparkpeople.com and it helps to see in black and white what the numbers are.  I don't track anything but protein and I try to get in 120 grams a day.  I don't make it every day but I give it a good shot.

Don't know where this thing will take me but I feel better than I have felt in 20 years or more and I wouldn't change a thing.  Well, I might have done it sooner.

I went out today because I have 2 sweaters, 2 pair of jeans, 2 sets of long underwear and 4 tops that make up the total of my wardrobe now.   I didn't believe it a few weeks ago when I bought the Ann Taylor size 12 jeans but it's true folks I am truly a size 12.  I know that doesn't mean alot to some of you but I haven't been smaller than a size 12 since high school.  Well I made it to size 8 when I was 21 for about 10 minutes so that doesn't count.  But a 12 feels "normal" to me, I am so happy here at a size 12.  You don't hear me whining about a weight loss stall or crying about when am I going to get to goal because, this feels really good. 

Honestly, I have enjoyed most every moment of this journey - well except for my limited wardrobe.  I got a few nice tops on sale at Chico's where I am a size 2 - crazy - I had to ask for help in there so I could look around.  I even bought some new underwear and new bras today too.  I went from a 42DDD to a 38DDD.  The girls seem to want to hang around, I mean that literally, hang around...  But seriously, panties - how in the world was I supposed to figure out what size underwear to buy?  I just got large size  7s, who new buying underwear would be a mystery to unravel?

The spring lines are out and this year I am not afraid.  As a fat girl in disguise this year, I am not worried about putting away the layers and showing some skin this year.  No bikinis though, public safety comes to mind.

I am grateful for my DS and this second chance at life it has given me.

High levels of B12 and folate are not usually clinically monitored. Increased B12 may be seen in conditions such as leukemia or liver dysfunction. Increased folate may be seen with pernicious anemia and with vegetarian diets.

Funny that this would be high as I have not supplemented with the B12 my surgeon recommended.  Not worried about this at all - we'll see what happens when I get tested again in late spring.

A decreased WBC count is called leukopenia. It can result from many different situations, such as chemotherapy, radiation therapy, or diseases of the immune system.

The WBC count tends to be lower in the morning and higher in the late afternoon. WBC counts are age-related.

 

Increased levels of blood chloride (called hyperchloremia) usually indicate dehydration, but can also occur with other problems that cause high blood sodium, such as Cushing's syndrome or kidney disease. Hyperchloremia also occurs when too much base is lost from the body (producing metabolic acidosis) or when a person hyperventilates (causing respiratory alkalosis).

I am down nearly 80 lbs and how many inches?

well, on 4/14/08 the day before surgery I was 51-42-53 1/2
and.....today I am 43-35-43

WOW ten inches off my hips - no wonder I have to take a pillow to sit in the bleachers!

I started out in a size 3x/24W

and now am sitting here in a L top and a size 12 jeans

blood work - this is incredible folks

Vitamin D preop - 29                          normal range 30-80
Vitamin D in November - 49

I attribute this to taking one 50K every other day since I got  home from surgery, thanks Vitalady

Cholesterol preop - 197                    normal <200
cholesterol in November -  122

trigyliceride preop - 141                                    <150
in November - 99

HDL pre op - 43                                                  >60
in November  - 31

LDL pre op - 126                                                 <100
in November - 71

My chloride levels seem to be elevated now as they were preop at 109 so I need to find some information on that.
White blood count was low at 4.44.
Also folate was >20 when normal is 3-16 so need to look into that as well. 

Everything else was within normal limits so until I research those things that were abnormal I will keep my supplements the same.  Notice that two of the abnormal results were abnormal in me as a preop so surgery has actually brought them to my attention.

Life is good - I can eat way more than I should eat so I still need to watch my portions and try to use willpower to stop when I'm full.  I lost a little over 4 lbs this month and I am still on target for 100% EWL.

Thanks to everyone here for all the advice and support!

I have never been a numbers kinda girl - never good at math and hate even thinking about it.  But looking at the numbers tonight I see that I need to be down to 178 lbs by April 15th to hit my goal of 80% EWL by one year.  That's about 15 lbs to go in 4 months - it might happen.  The weight is coming off so slow though.  That has its benefits however, I really don't have any skin issues to speak of.  My arms are flabby but they are still fat, so with more weight lost and some muscle toning I might be OK in that area - the rest of me is looking good enough to forego plastics except the boobage which IMHO has gone south - dearest husband says "they're fine" but me thinks he is trying to save money on plastic surgery....hmmmm

So - here it is - not sure I'm gonna make it under 180 but keeping my fingers crossed and we'll see what happens - I never thought I'd make it under 200 lbs either.

Update on the panic attacks - it seems Dreamsicle and I have decided that they are related to my PTSD and that I need to take charge and do something to make myself feel strong.  I intend to start working out on the bowflex in the basement, I have asked Santa Claus for a punching bag and Dreamy is showing me how not to hit like a girl.