Washu
Typing through the "Hunger"
Oct 25, 2013
I'm faced with a few undesirable realities at the moment. I know parents have dealt with this stuff and still do and successfully. Some deal with really far worse issues but at the moment this is our issue and its frustrating the hell out of me. My girls are 13. We've laid down the law many times on social network use/text & email use/no boyfriends until 16 and we meet them first/proper on line use etc. They just don't care and do what they want. They both are chatting to people / have boyfriends when we told them no texting/chatting online or on a phone until they are 16. These are our rules and we have them because we want them to stay safe. This issue and lying in general are my main point of contention and it's eating at me. It's got me in a really bad place and I'm feeling weak. I feel weak because I am wanting really bad foods and it reeks of self-sabotage. I do not want to eat bad foods so I decided to get on here and start writing. I need to keep writing because I am afraid I will cope with food. Weak/afraid/negatives I have a lot of negative statements here and my husband is pretty stressed by me too. I'm just so upset with them and I wish I could trust them but right now I just don't know how to trust them. One has been asking to go for a walk a lot more lately. Turns out the boyfriend lives three streets over by the School. See what I mean? This is bad news!!! 13 year olds ALONE !! Just reading that sounds ridiculous but I really am horrified by it because there are so many young pregnancies and even though we've had the sex talk - OH MY GOD - what if something happened!!! I'm really freaking out. I even wrote to the boy and asked him to have his mom call me so I could talk to her about the situation and just make her aware of what was going on and what I don't want to happen again. Sick to my stomach at the thought of what could have happened. I mean I really don't even know what happened! She liked to take walks with the dog or her sister and I just never thought in a million years she was doing it to go meet up with someone!!!
Shit. I need to relax. When I need meditation the most I really cannot apply it practically. I'm going to have to work this out and figure out a way to be okay and feel okay as a mom and still work out a living loving relationship with my daughter and stepdaughter. Sometimes it makes me want them to take a long stay with their other parents because I'm just getting so burned out. I told them I don't know how much more I can do this year. I have lost 109 pounds since spring of this year. I have regained fitness I had thought was lost to me forever. I have retained employment so that I could pay for one of my daughter's braces and I'm actually making a living wage and for once in a long while I finally feel like I'm going to be okay. Why then does this shit have to come flying at me from left field? I'm just angry that these people - my closest family. My girls. Could be so dishonest when I was counting on them the most.
I'm tired and angry and it's making me feel weak. I have to keep typing. Sip some water. Wonder what the hell I'm going to do. Consider a long vacation. Far away. In my daydreams maybe. Maybe I got all of this wrong. Why do I think the worst? Wish they would just treat me respectfully. Lying to me is really disrespectful. Sneaking to see a boy alone is not acceptable at 13 years old. I don't care if I sound like a prude. They've been told they won't be this young forever and they will have plenty of time to do as they please. Just not yet!
This isn't your typical WLS post but rather a mom rambling on here instead of choosing poor foods to pacify my angst. I've come to far to fuck this up! Seriously. I need to woman up and get on with this. They are the ones that made the poor choice. It doesn't have to be my poor choice and I don't have feel bad because they made a mistake. It's their mistake. Not mine. This final revelation is helping me tremendously. Why should I punish myself? The stress is horrible on my body and it's going to hurt me. I don't want to hurt me. I want to have the healthy energetic in control me. I am in control and I plan to stay that way. They may face the great great world all they want after they're 18 but for now I'm charged with their care and safety and intend to keep them as safe as I can. Now to keep my newly trimmer body safe. More water. Maybe I will have a tea. Sounds relaxing.
