Jasmine M.
Got my kicks on Route 66 and I'm here
Jul 31, 2007
7.25.07 1:42am St. Louis, MO -- I left Indiana today. I said goodbye to 25 years of my life, my family, my friends and to Ryan. He played tough stuff, but as he was leaving I could tell he was crying. I know he loves me, and God knows I love him. I almost turned around, especially as I crossed that Missouri state line, but I can't go back. I drove until I couldn't drive anymore tonight. I guess I'm hoping miles will help me outrun this pain. It's not working.
7.26.07 8:00am Breakfast at McDonalds -- I talked to my best friend this morning. This is tough on her. I'm not sure how to be without her either, honestly. We're pretty much 2 peas in a pod. I wonder what he's doing right now? Is he thinking of me? I want to see your face, love. You just don't know...
7.27.07 12:19pm New Mexico -- We spent last night in Amarillo, TX. We stayed at the Ambassador Hotel (swanky). Lovely pool, free breakfast. I took dad to the Big Texan, which was about as tacky as it gets and he loved it. I knew he would. We went swimming this morning, bought snacks for the trip through NM and AZ and now we're on our way to Albuquerque. The landscape is amazing here. So beautiful. Sunset in Amarillo was breakthaking. It reminded me of you, love.
It occured to me while we were in the Sun and Sand cafe for lunch (Santa Rosa, NM) that this place is reality for some people. Lots of people. There isn't a way of life, but a billion ways of it. Not one reality, but as many as there are people. How strange it is that lives touch and part. Some without notice and some to touch us forever. Some without the possibility of forgetting. What will you be, love?
I've yet to shed a tear today. Maybe if I drive fast enough, I'll drive it all away.
7.28.07 5:00pm Mohave Desert -- The Grand Canyon was amazing! It took my breath away. It was a trip of a lifetime for Dad. I don't regret this trip. I wouldn't have flown for all the money in the world. It's currently 113 degrees. I feel like I stepped out into an oven when I went to get gas. We plan to stop in Barstow, CA tonight. Tomorrow, San Diego baby. Here I come. I think I'm ready. I miss you Ryan. I miss you.
7:29.07 8:23am Barstow, CA -- Today is the day. It would be nice not to wake every morning and his name be on my lips. Every morning I must force back wrenching sobs. But I haven't cried since I left. I'm okay. As long as I don't stop even for a minute to think, then I don't realize that I'm not fully breathing.
San Diego here I come!
7.29.07 10:15pm HOME -- Well, there is life out there, Reba, and it's here. We arrived today and the house is fantastic. Kay is super nice. My room is great. The only drawback so far is the dog. She's huge and 7 months old. So, she acts like a puppy and will NOT stop jumping on me. She almost knocks me down (I'm 5'1). Not fun. Sigh. Dog. New Place. Stuff to do. Just stay busy... Just don't think about what you've done and left. Oh, how I love him so.
07.30.07 6pm Jackets are a MUST -- I'm sitting at Starbucks on Broadway freezing. This place is COLD with a breeze. Today was a really awful day. We went to the BMV and had to go back to the house first cause I forgot stuff. Then we had to stand in the line which wound all the way out into the parking lot. I got to the front and learned I needed an ORIGINAL birth certificate. Great. Peachy. I swear that BMV is the gates of Hell. I was the only english speaking person there and everyone had screaming kids. Ugh. Then, I bought a wireless router to make Kay's cable internet work for my puter. Well, I spent over an hour on the phone w/my ex husband trying to get it hooked up. No beans. So, no internet. Again... peachy. Without internet, I'm feeling so lost and alone. Really, I just miss him and want to see his page, if I can see his face...
Things to note:
--I've never seen so many Dairy Queens as I have here.
--There are no super Walmarts here.
--there is no light or fat free stuff at the grocery store and groceries are twice the price. no joke.
--gas is reasonable.
--mexican music drives me batty
--the sun sets like 2 hours earlier here than home
7.31.07 11:45pm Okay -- Today was better than yesterday. Got internet up and running. Had a little time to myself. Kay (my new roomie) took both the dog and my dad for a walk. It was heavan-sent peace I needed.
More soon. Stay tuned.
Arizona by this time tomorrow
Jul 26, 2007
I'm in Amarillo, TX. I left yesterday. We both stopped side by side at the light. He was crying. So was I. We were mouthing I love yous until the end. He turned South and I went West. I haven't been able to eat at all. I feel so weak. My hands are actually callused from gripping the steering wheel trying not to cry. It was EVERYthing i could do not to turn that car around.
I'm sure there will be a point when I can write about what was said and the last days and how it ended. Right now, I'm hurting so incredibly much that I feel like I can barely breathe.
I know he's hurting too. God, grant us peace. May understanding come soon.
Heartbreak in Slow Motion
Jul 24, 2007
Right now I'm sitting at Ryan's house, writing on his laptop. In this place we've made so many memories. Tonight is our very last night. He's in the shower. We've had a really fun "us" kind of night. We made dinner and watched a movie. I feel like my heart is breaking in slow increments.
I'm not sure I can handle this. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Losing him is more than I can possibly deal with. I'm not sure I can do this. How can I do this? Dear God, how? I realize that whether I can or can't isn't a factor when I must.
Please, God, send peace my way and his way as well. He's hurting so terribly much. And, I want his happiness like I want my own.
I'm out of days... California... here I come.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T... I'll tell you what it means to me
Jul 20, 2007
Since he came over, he's called once. ONCE. For 15 minutes. I told him to call me last night. He didn't. I called him at 8. He didn't call back. My friends are having a dinner for me tonight and going bowling. Will he show up? Who knows. I'm amazed at what he's doing. It's not like him. But whatever.
Guess what? Yesterday, this guy I had been interested in for like a YEAR has been hinting that he's interested in getting a job and moving out of state, etc etc. (He's HUGELY successful, got money like nobody's biznitch.) Anyway... he slyly got my number yesterday. lol. THEN, I went to dinner with my closest guy best friend and he basically said he wished he'd married me etc etc etc.
So, basically all these things amounted to was gigantic doses of flattery and to remind me that just because I fall in love with a guy who treats me like I'm a second-class girlfriend, sure as HELL doesn't mean there aren't plenty of guys around who would treat me way better.
He always thought his girlfriends were the problem with his relationships and all he wanted was to find someone with X, Y and Z and it would be good. Well, he says I'm all those things and guess what, you're STILL A sucky boyfriend. So, maybe the problem isn't them, but YOU.
Damn. That's harsh... I'm just frustrated and hurt by the way he treats me like I'm nothing. Less than nothing. I know he's hurting, but so am I. I'm going to California and I'm damn glad. I am so much better than this. I won't be disrespected anymore. I feel completely ready. All I wanna do is focus on my family and friends that love me. Love me and show it. That's the difference.
4 days...
The rest of the story
Jul 19, 2007
But, I've done some thinking about this whole mess too, ya know?
It hit me last night after he left... if he wanted to be with me, he would be. Besides... I'm not sure I want to deal with someone who would treat me this way. I know he's hurting and that is influencing many of his current actions and reactions, but why would I want to be with someone who doesn't treat me like I'm first in their life? We're not kids or just casually dating. He says he loves me more than he's ever loved anyone. Yet, he barely called while he was gone and he wasn't eager to see me. I made a list on my wakingthewords blog today about all the things i love and i realize how little of that list he even knows about me. I realize how few of those things he actually does. Once he "had" me, he completely quit trying to treat me the way someone you love should be treated. I want someone to fulfill the things I want. I want someone who wants to be with me, spend time with me, talk to me, touch me, kiss me, be soft to me, really and truly love me and show it. To be with me, he would have to change. Alot. And, that's not fair for me to ask or even expect. There will be women out there who will easily deal with a man that always needs to be in control of his emotions, who will withdraw if he feels too much (with them, there'd be no danger of feeling too much)... a woman who won't necessarily be so intuitive to sense his every mood swing to then feel rejected when the warmth behind his actions is lacking. But me?... I'm not the kind of woman willing to settle for less than everything. What he needs to understand is yes, I love him and yes, I want to be with him with my whole heart more than I've ever wanted anyone, but when it comes right down to it, I don't need him. I can be alone. And I'd rather be alone than disrespected.
If he wants me, he will prove it. If not...
Ok then.
6 days...
PS: A Cute tidbit from my friend Terri... She claims it'll be harder for "a beautiful girl like me" to find a replacement for my antique bedroom suite i'm leaving behind than to replace Ryan... lol. It's still so weird to hear myself referred to as beautiful... Ah what a journey this is.
How about this for Sunshine??? (vent)
Jul 18, 2007
So, like two weeks ago, he told me that he loved me SO much that the sun might as well rise and set in my presence... Ya, well obviously he isn't looking for sunshine.
He's been gone for a week. We've talked 3 times in that week for a total of 15 minutes. Yes, 15 minutes total. He came back last night at midnight. I only know this because he responded to my text when I FINALLY broke down and texted him at 10:30 last night cause I hadn't heard from him since Sunday. He stayed the night w/his mom (in Indy) and said he'd call me today. It's 4:30 pm... He didn't have to work today and he knew I was getting off early. Wow. Thanks. I understand spending time w/your family, but guess what? I haven't seen you since Monday of LAST WEEK, and I'm moving to California in SEVEN DAYS and you are moving home to Indy, where your family lives.
Explain this to me, because I obviously just don't understand.
I remember him telling me in the beginning how all his gfs wanted him back cause he was the best man they ever had. Ya... Well, guess his record is broken. This girl doesn't get disrespected. I got seven days and I will NEVER be treated like this again. EVER. He makes me feel like I'm just not worth the effort. I mean, could he be ANY LESS eager to see me? Ya, I'm mad, but ultimately after all this time and all we've had and all he's friggin said... well?... it just hurts. It just f'ing hurts. So, whatever Ryan... whatever...
7 days....
He comes back tomorrow! (But where'd he go?)
Jul 16, 2007
He's been on vacation in San Diego since last Wednesday. Yes, MY city. Yes, I know that's weirdly coincidental. But, with he and I in this situation, there are about 10 million things like that going on.
Before I made the official decision to move to San Diego, I knew he was going on vacation in California this summer to visit his cousins (who live there), but I didn't realize it was specifically San Diego and in fact at one point he said Mexico, so I just didn't realize. So, when I told him I was moving there, he was like... uh... I've considered moving there and I'm vacationing there in July. (Now he's not at all considering moving there and plans to stay in Indiana.) Anyway, so the way the cookie crumbles, it turned out that he was vacationing in MY city a week before I move there. So, he's been gone this whole week.
I've talked to him a total of 15 minutes the whole time he's been gone, and he's just been gushing about how awesome the city is and whatnot. He says I'll love it there. He says it's so beautiful. Part of me kinda wishes he hadn't went to my city right before I moved. Now I'll be there and go places and wonder if he's been there. Like, why in the world would it have to happen like that? How can it be that he just so happened to have family and vacation in the city I've been dreaming of moving to for like a year and half? Ugh. Life is so stupid and stuffs...
Truly, I've been alright this week, but I'm starting to feel like enough is enough. Last night it hit me. Ultimately, I just want to be in his arms. I love him so much. I love his beautiful smile and the way he sings to me and the way he can make me feel so beautiful... I love the way he always has to have things in order and can never be wrong and the way he looks at me with that "no she didn't" glare. lol... I just miss him... Just talking to him about my day or about the little things. I wanna lay on that couch and watch movies that I don't care to watch and just be close to him.
Most of all, I want to forget I'm leaving. And, I want to forget that we're done in just 8 more days. I don't want to have to be strong anymore. He was supposed to be the one I didn't have to be that way with. And, now he's the one I have to be that way for.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change... courage to change the things i can... and wisdom to know the difference...
8 days...
Autopilot
Jul 15, 2007
So, I think I'm on autopilot. FINALLY! I've switched into this mode of "gotta get it done". It's like someone switched my emotions off. I don't really have time to feel right now, as I pack and get things ready for the big Cali move.
My moma cried last night. She never cries. I mean, EVER. She said, I don't know if I can handle you leaving. It broke my heart, but I didn't have a single tear to offer in return. I think I've cried them all.
I feel guilty that my greatest anguish all along has been leaving Ryan. I know I'll always have my family, but with him... well?... I don't know anything, except that he has clearly stated he has no inclincation whatsoever of going to California. Okay then. It is what it is. That pretty much sums it up. I have come to know that I can accept nothing less than everything with him. I hate to say that... But, I'm here with my heart willing to offer him all that I have. Sure, it wouldn't be easy for me to give, and yet I'm glad I can say that for once I was willing to try. He simply doesn't want to offer the same, even though he says it's me he wants most and he believes being with me is best for him. And, so... I guess all that we've had amounts to nothing. Memories or a learning experience and nothing more.
It's strange to write that without feeling that tug in my chest or the lump in my throat. Instead, it's a slow, creeping anguish. It's like feeling your heart break in increments, in slow motion. I feel so much disbelief that something so beautiful could be built only to be walked away from. But, I know there is much I don't know about life. And because of that, I must learn. I must grow. And you can't do that staying in one place, always doing what you know. So, I guess that's all she wrote.
9 days...
Big Girls Don't Cry (15 Days)
Jul 10, 2007
15 days...
In 15 days, I set off for California. I leave behind this town I was born in, the people and places I've known forever and shall love always. I leave new and old friends, and also the greatest love I've ever known. Some will follow, many will remain a part of my life no matter the geography, and others are perhaps fated only to fall to cherished memory... And, someday, I know I'll understand why. Regardless, I know I'll never be back here in this place, nor quite this girl again. I'll be a visitor definately, but a different person, and in some ways, a new woman. It's strange and beautiful to be on the cusp of something great and willingly face it head on --not without fear, but despite it. I have been praying for peace, and I am slowly finding acceptance.
I was a big girl all my life, and now that I'm not, it's time to act like one... Big girls don't cry...
Sunburns, Space and Snacking
Jul 03, 2007
Ryan wants "space to think about things." My first reaction was to say, How's 2500 f'ing miles for ya, buddy? You'll have that by the end of this damn month.
Sigh... but really i get it. Effectively he wants space to toughen himself to me. Harden his heart and prepare for my leaving. I get it. I understand. I know why. It still hurts, scares me half to death and most of all sucks. Royally.
I can't stop eating. Slim fast. Pretzels. Crackers. Slim fast. Too much. Oh, and is anyone else addicted to Viactiv Calcium chews?... Rasberry, chocolate mint, brownie... Mmmmm... Blech.