Jasmine M.
Only in the Movies
Sep 05, 2007
Update: Ryan and I had the most amazing labor day weekend. He left Monday morning bright and early. I was so sad. I'll write a quick breakdown here:
Thursday, 10pm -- ARRIVAL!
The terminal here sits above baggage claim (where I could wait), so I was able to see him coming, and his smile was amazing. I thought he was going to bolt over the side of the down escalator to get to me. He barely let go of me long enough to pick up his bags. I was super nervous and speechless. He makes me shy in a way no one ever has. All the way back to my house, he couldn't stop kissing my cheek, holding my hand, telling me how wonderful it was to be with me. It was remarkable. This was a Ryan totally and completely in love and not checking it. (Since I've left, he's finally come to terms with the idea that he is truly willing to dedicate his life/love to someone... thankfully that's me.)
Friday -- mmmm...
That stands for Museum, Mall, Movie, Marina... (Get yo heads outta the gutta!!!) lol... We headed over to Balboa park to go to the art museum, then to Horton Plaza to walk around the mall and then we caught Halloween. We ended the night walking on the beach at the marina. It was cold and he took off his shirt and I put it on. It went past my knees, which he thought was adorable. He told me in a year, we'd be sitting on this same beach planning the rest of our life instead of a far-too-short weekend... (again, these words are all part of a very "new" Ryan)
Saturday -- My favorite day
We spent alot of Saturday at the house watching sports (him watching atlease) and just being w/each other. We went to Walmart and to the 5.99 store. They don't carry stuff big enough for him (he's not overweight, just BIG). Then, that night, we dressed up and went to South Bay Fish and Grill and got a table outside by the bay right at sunset. We were there talking and laughing for 3.5 hours! They had put up all the chairs on all the tables around us when we finally left. If I hadn't already, this was the day I fell in love with him all over again.
Sunday -- The last day
We went to Seaport Village and walked around and met his cousin, Nikki, who he will be living with when he moves here. It was an awkward day because we were both moody (nerves w/meeting her and we tend to feed off each other's moods in general). We spent the evening just laying on the floor in my room playing chess and talking. It was true to us in a way that's hard to explain.
Monday -- 4:15 AM
We had to get up at 4:15 to get him to the airport on time. It was quiet and sad as we got things ready. He could tell I was sad. I act tough, but he knows me. And we had like 10 mins before we had to leave and he sat down on the bed watching me hustling around trying to do anything but look at him. And he grabbed my hand to stop me, and just gave me that "I know why you're keeping yourself busy like that" look and he said "we're gonna be fine... we got this... i'm gonna be back soon and then it'll be for good. don't worry." In true girl fashion, I felt damn tears and he did the Ryan thing and pulled me into his lap and called me babygirl and said "I'll be back for you soon." When we got to the airport, I felt so very sad and I watched him until I couldn't see him anymore. Right as he was about to go behind the security things, he turned and gave me the I Love You sign. Walking out of there, I felt so very alone again. It wasn't just not having him, but not having anything that reminds me of home.
It was hard, but the weekend was wonderful for us. He knew it was important that I see his words in action. We had such a rocky past 6 months and I really needed to see that he's changed and is willing to put everything into this. He knew this trip was really about him proving to me that he was dead serious about wanting to move here in december and all that he says he feels and wants of me. He really is serious. I still sit here terrified to give in to totally believing it, but.... I want to, and I'm getting there...
All I know is I'm in love in a way I didn't know was reality. This kind of stuff belongs in movies...
But then, isn't it only in movies that people do great feats like lose 200 pounds or pick up and move their entire life across country or find out that the love of their life can't live without them and is quitting his fantastic new job to follow you?...
Ya... only in movies... right?
Today...
Aug 30, 2007
He'll be here tonight! I get to see him tonight! OMG OMG OMG!
I'm so very excited. Here a few weeks ago I thought I'd never see him again and now I'm going to see him today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
wowsa,
jazz
Random Thoughts
Aug 26, 2007
2. It's impossible to lose weight eating out every meal. Need to work on that.
3. I'd like to lose 20 pounds.
4. 10 would work.
5. OMG Ryan will be here Thursday. Starvation diet!!!
Life is good.
Oh Snap
Aug 23, 2007
and i'm freaking out. I mean, freaking out. i don't believe him. i'm having real trouble believing he's going to feel this way in a week or two weeks or four months. i have a hard time believing he's not going to get tired of me or go cold on me like he used to, which he claims was always because he was scared, and i know he means that. he's not scared like that anymore. he's happy and i can tell.
so what the hellio is wrong with me? everytime he says marriage or babies, i cringe. everytime he talks about forever, i cringe. i've got divorced woman syndrome and i can't get rid of it. i'm terrified he's just going to get tired of me. like i did of my husband. i'm so scared. i'm almost at this strange point where i'd rather not have what i want than lose it. i know that's dumb.
i love him more than i can even convey, and i'm out of my mind. :(
He's coming
Aug 16, 2007
He's dead serious. He says he can't live without me.
I'm out of my mind speechless.
Moving Forward, Getting Me Back
Aug 12, 2007
First let me say, Ryan has been emailing me, but I'm not going to fill you in until I have some sort of conclusion as to what the heck is going through his head. Don't hold your breath.
THIS post is about San Diego. I love it here. It is beautiful and perfect every day. I know it's strange, but I actually kinda like being alone. I miss the aforementioned him, but I'm not lonely. I enjoy the freedom to go and do as I please, answerable to no one. It's a cool feeling. I'm getting back to being me. Doing the things that characterize me. The me without anyone. Without a man or the constant diversions of friends going here or there. I feel like I spent so much of my life planning my next move that I couldn't enjoy where I was at the moment. I want to change that. I want to be happy right now. Not plan for happiness that might never come tomorrow.
So, that's what I'm working at. Getting better. From the inside out. It's funny. I did it backwards. I changed my appearance first. But, regardless, that was the ticket for my whole life to go topsy turvy. It's funny, but I can honestly say, if it wasn't for this surgery, I wouldn't be sitting in San Diego right now.
This surgery changes everything. And, thank God for that.
PS. Speaking of moving on, went to a poetry thing... and uh WOW. These people are awesome. There's this one guy who is SO friggin passionate with his words. He's masterful. Truly. Possibly the best I've ever seen. He was talking about love and man, every woman in that room was thinking DAMN I WANT THAT MAN. I could learn alot here, from people like that, I think. Ok ok, so yes, he's cute too. Kinda short, not so much my type... But hey. My "type" hasn't seem to work out yet. Big beautiful men seems to treat me like I'm second class... So... I dunno? Yes... I KNOW it's a little early, but distraction is what helps you get over things, right? And, I mean, poetry is distracting, right... lol... uh ya sure...
====
i miss him :(
His blog...
Aug 09, 2007
Ryan wrote a blog today, here it is:
My Pen
Current mood: creative
Category: Writing and Poetry
I let you hold my pen.. I took it out of it's protective sleeve. It's covered in only my prints and my fingers still have the curve of that Pilot. They naturally curve to the truth as I saw it.
My fingers till move, now, connected to that truth that you write. Blind strokes are giving me hand cramps. the truth is coming too fast for me to keep up. I'm sayin... I want my PEN BACK!
Better yet! I want your truth to slow down and stop so I can catch you with large strides and trace your history/ my future. I want to walk side-by-side with those dark drops that pulled us apart. the drops that you left so I could find you.
So, can I get my pen back?
See, you can't use it it for long. Its ink comes from all the times that I've stared at the stars and saw your face amongst them, from all the misheard echos that bounce off these walls, from my 1 step forward, 2 steps back syndrome, from the, " I can see why you could hate me" place. This foolsh martyr's blood flows directly in to the grooves of that pen. It turns black from lack of oxygen, cuz I can't breathe, not until I have my pen back.
Right about now my ink is running out and you, surely, are having to double back to make your truth legible; if you can get anything out at all. I wish my steps tugged those fingers of yours into submission; that my watery sight made your grip slippery to the touch; that my mood turned that ink from black to red. Let's make a deal. My pen for your memories. An equal exchange. No funny business. Same time, man. I don't know you. Same time.
So, so you gon hold it hostage? Even though It's out of words, you'd still keep it as a trophy in your pocket cuz it's nice to look at?
I guess that the only way to get mine back is to give you your's huh?
-Ryan 8/9/2007
What I'd say if I said anything
Aug 08, 2007
It's been two weeks today since i saw your face, kissed your lips, heard you say you loved me with tears streaming down your cheeks. you have written me messages and posted to my myspace blog. I have returned nothing. You wrote me two emails today. You said you were sorry to write me, that you wouldn't keep it up. I know it's coming soon to a time when you'll give up on me writing back. Because I won't write back, and I cannot stop hurting at the idea of not hearing from you. Not knowing you're still wanting to talk to me. Soon, you'll give up completely. You'll finally move on, I guess. You'll find someone else. You said you wanted to know you're not alone in hurting. Oh God, how you're not alone.
Everyday, every moment.... I don't even have the words. Do you know I haven't been able to write since I've gone? I feel like a part of me died when I left Indiana, when I left you. I have no more words. I won't allow myself time to feel. You can't write if you don't feel, I guess.
Oh God, Ryan, how I want to hate you. How I want to run as far as I can from how I feel. It gets harder, not easier. I don't understand why. I just keep moving and trying to get away and I can't. None of this makes any sense to me. I don't understand why we're not together. Why are we both so miserable if this is how it's supposed to be? You think you're alone in this hurting? You don't know. You just don't know.
Will work for a job and Friends
Aug 07, 2007
I'm trying to stay as busy as I can. That's kinda hard to do when you have no friends here. Gah. I miss people. If I stop, I remember him. And, I don't wanna remember. sigh...
You'd think it would be easy to make friends here, but alas, it's not. I've had a couple bites on here, actually. We'll see if that pans out. I'll probably freak em out cause i'm so eager to make friends lol. I'm just not used to being alone, I guess.
la la la. I miss him. Tell me to shut up. Go ahead. Do it.
sigh...
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Aug 02, 2007
Everyday. Every moment, it seems. I feel like I can barely breath. I told him not to contact me. Not to call. Nothing. I told him I wouldn't contact him. And I won't. For me, it's all or nothing. I can't play that half-way game. I won't be his friend. I can't be. I could, but I won't. That's less than I want and I won't accept it. He left me a comment on myspace that said he loved me. He commented on my blog. He emailed me and said he misses me, loves me, smiles when he remembers, cries because he can't forget.
I wake up every single day aching. I don't cry. It's beyond that for me. I don't speak his name. I keep moving, hoping memories won't catch me.
I don't understand this. I don't understand at all.