fooseberry

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I used to be part of these challenges thinking they would give me a goal which I usually do well with. After not losing for months I quit!
I joined again and am attaching my 1st post written 11/11/08

Hi!
I dropped out in the Spring but would like to join again.
I have not been losing since last Fall and just in the last few months am up about 10.

My highest       306
Current             183
New Yrs Goal  170
 

I wanted a record that I could come back to to remember where I was and where i am going or not going,
Unfortunately I started the Valentines day challenge at a higher weight than the New Years post-UGH!!

Written 12/28/08 to end the New Year Challenge and start the Valentiine's day challenge-

Woke up at 185.2.
My goal is 171 always and forever!!!  Well maybe not forever but until I get back to it.

I am posting this on my Blog to keep it on my mind-

This may be rambling but I am trying to get this out as it is happening.
I am a carb addict-welcome to my world.
I work at night from 4-midnight and this is the danger zone. I am busy with 2-4 small children all day and my eating in usually minimal and not too bad.It is when I get here that all bets are off. I bring my dinner and snacks but do occasionally go out.
Tonight I am alone so I can't leave this room to get to the vending machine or the kitchen out back where there are probably left over Holiday treats. I have been pretty much indulging in fudge, cookies, lemon squares etc for days as they are dropped off by the box full here at work and at home. Well the chuck wagon is over and I am DETOXING.
This is fine as I need to get back on the straight and narrow. I am having a Click shake with added chocolate protein powder once a day so my protein intake has been much better but I am still feeding my chocolate demon.
The big point is how I feel. I am eating food that is decent as that is what I brought but I am looking in every crack and crevice for some crack. A leftover stale cookie under my desk??? Anything....I have looked in the fridge 5 times and in my tote bag to the bottom hoping a candy cane is loose and not covered with lint in the bottom. I am not normal - I know exactly where the last Lindt super dark chocolate bar is in my house and I have 52 minutes before I will be home. I am eating anything just to try to fill this hole. Cottage cheese- NOT, Cheese and some ww crackers-NOT. I am eating these things to try to fill a hole that seems to be calling for some peanut M&M's.
Where do you go with this?? I am writing as it is fresh in my head. I want to read it tomorrow to remind myself how crazy I am.
Do you think it I call my Psych team and explain it like this they will commit me?? I need a candy detox. That is only slightly a joke.
I have been to my local support group and when I try to go here other patients only reply with " You didn't have surgery to make these choices, blah,blah,blah" I end up angry and frustrated.
In fact I was told I would not be able to tolerate sugar and that was a huge factor in why I decided to have surgery. Well I am one of the "lucky" ones and I can tolerate a decent amount of sugar. I am having occasional low blood sugar issues but I am learning my tolerance level and can satisfy my addiction and still be in the safe zone.
Where do I go from here? I have been seeing a diabetic nutritionist to help with the low blood sugar issues and she said I need to find out what I am feeding.  I don't feel like I am feeding anything but I know I really want that Lindt bar right now.

  This past year has without a doubt sucked royally. I am happy it is over-well almost over anyway. 4 days left.
I am now looking towards the next year to get turned around and in the right direction. My husband was out of work for about 10 months and we almost lost our house. Monday before Christmas we got some paperwork from our Mortgage company that lowered our Mortgage payment to something we can handle a bit easier. We used my husbands 401K and all of our savings so we are pretty tapped out. We have a long road to go now.

I am planning to slowly ease myself out of the stress in my life. I am not sure how yet but I am starting slowly.
The first big thing was lowering that HUGE mortgage payment. We  have a handle on most other bills so that is a great improvment.
Second is removing things that have just been a burr in the side of our marriage. If it still doesn't work after this at least I have made an effort.
My sister has owed us about $1500 for almost 2 years and there is always a reason she can't pay us back - well I just got her on a payment plan and she will be depositing money weekly into a savings account. This is a 2 fold plan- She is paying us back and we are rebuilding some savings.
Third we want to ask them to find another place to live-I have both my 21 yo sister and my mother living with us. We needed them to help pay the bills and they needed an affordable place to live but that is just done now. We need our house back. We have owned this house for 3 years and my sister has been with us since day 1 and my mom shortly after. We have lost our kids play room and a bathroom and a bit of our sanity along the way. It is time it is just us.
Forth is getting rid of the additional kids I babysit during the day- See I work 4-midnight. My oldest daughter is in school all day and I am home with a 2.5 yo. I thought I could take in a family members kids for some extra cash because I am home anyway. Well it sucks. It is only about $3/hr because it is family and I have no time off as she really doesn't have a back-up for me. I have been to multiple doctors appointments when I recently broke a finger with 2 if not 3 kids. It is just too much.

If you don't see a pattern here- I just keep piling it on my back and trudging along as someone has to do it.
The damage here is I have put 16 lbs back on, I have quit running and I am just full up to here


So a long post but a purging of the shit I have carried for too long. I will try to keep you up to date on the future changes and hopefully for the better.

I am getting my bags packed and even have a costume.
I am going to LA for the OH conference. I haven't worn a costume in years. I mean a real costume not just some big bag to hide my body anyway.
I will update when I get back. I am hoping to try some products and talk to some surgeons. Lets get this body picked up and stiffed up.LOL!!!

I am walking again this year to raise money to educate people about obesity.
I am asking people to make a donation, join our team or join a walk in your area.

This years walk is in Lowell, ma on September 27, 2008.
Join Team MM and walk with melting mama and I.

I am updating that I am still running. I have completed 3 5k races and my goal was to finish and to try to stay below a 12 minute mile.
So far I have accomplished that.
In 3 weeks I will run the falmouth Road Race. It is 7 miles and I am terrified. While coming out of the pain pills in the ICU I told the nurse I wanted to lose the weight to run the road race and I am going to do it. I am OK with the fact that I may be walking but i just want to finish-Oh and not be in the medical tent after.
I am currently 177lbs. Up again but the food has been very good lately. I have cut out all crap carbs and tried to up the protein.
I have begun to see some positive results at home too. I am pushing the fruit, yogurt and cheese with the kids and my oldest seems to be dropping a bit with the help of swimming lessons 4 days a week. She bargains burgers at Mcd's if she gets apples and milk. Hey I was a kid and don't want to take away all of the fun stuff either.
I am sporatic lately with the updates but it is only due to the fact that I am enjoying my life now.
See what we are up to at the blog.
http://fooseberrypie.blogspot.com/

Some updates-
I am back at 174 and trying to jog. I have been working on the exercise and good food .
I was up to about 179-180 and did not like it.My clothes were tight and i was grumpy. How quickly we revert to Loser thoughts. I am now feeling empowered again as I have a better not great but better handle on the food. I was out today at the circus so the carbs jumped on my back again.
I walked though and had some protein so we should be Ok.
I am working on my quality of life right now and that is helping tremendously.
I haven't felt this happy in a long time.
I am writing a blog now and silly as that may sound I think it is like therapy for me. I just feel good about writing. i write about good things that happen in my life and i feel like i am learning to appreciate them more.
I am trying new things and having a great time. 

Summer goals-
Kayaking
Learning to Clam
Have fun with the kids
Get out on the boat
Camping
Getting my yard in good shape
I would love some sleep too but after the fun.

Soon I will send more photos of the new haircut and update some measurements.

So I realized I haven't posted an update in TOO long.
I am holding at 171lbs and have been within a few lbs of this for months as you can see. I haven't taken my measurements in a couple of months either. I recently had some mystery but not death like pain in my gallbladder/liver area. I had an ultrasound and was told by Dr Kruger it appears to be Gallbladder sludge. if it gets worse or more frequesnt call back and we will discuss the removal of my gallbladder.
I have read it may be caused by too much sugar- Who knew. This has not helped me kick my crack like addition to sugar/candy.
I have added some protein shakes which is good but have not cut out the crap which is bad.
I am feeling sick of it again but trying to hang on top a decent food menu.

About 170 yesterday and it is Girl Scout cookie time....Need I say more.
I want to be down before my 1 yr appointment but i guess not enough to stay away. I just read my last post and it made me laugh. I guess it is important to laugh at yourself. I wish I had normal internet at my house as I used to post more, log my food on Fitday and read my own blog. 
I really am just tired of all the thought I put into it. I just want to live but i can't live long unless I get this stuff down pat without a second thought.
Got some new photos to post as soon as I can get them loaded to computer.

So I have been working my hardest to get rid of the carbs-still enjoying some dark chocolate occasionally but very few cookies. 
I have got down to 167.6 as of today.
It works to work it i guess. 
I filled my fridge with items from my meal card ideas and from the sheets I received from my last support group meeting listing must haves in your cupboard.
So far so good. I fell off the edge last night with some Chinese food but am picking my ass up today. I also am going to be working on the exercise demon next week after my husband is home with his foot in a cast or I will just pack up the little rat in her snowsuit to walk it off.