More Moronic Observations Through a Cracked Window

Sep 21, 2009

I'm ba-ack. 

Actually was doing much better with the eating--and of course the loss of 15 pounds was encouraging. But i tried to find better restriction, and therefore took out .5ccs from the band, and now, alas, have no restriction again.  Sucks. 

I can eat now, but the problem is I can't *not eat.*  I need to get the band refilled, but don't know if it makes sense to go this week, when i have an appointment in two weeks and a couple of days.  

So: issues

(a) I'm eating badly.  I ate a bagel today.  With butter.  For breakfast.  I made a cheesecake yesterday (albeit a very, very small one).   Why am I doing this?   Fear of success?  Ambient anger with the world?  Depression and sense of futility?

Very likely all of the above.

(b)Need to go back to better high protein, low fat  way of eating (even if I don't immediately refill the band).   Remember liquids during day.


(c) I'm still not exercising enough.  I got to the gym last week, and it felt pretty good, but i haven't been back.  Why?

(d)  Should i immediately refill the band?

(e) out of phentermine. I seem to have lost the vial, dammit.  Need to get new prescription.  Drugs are important.   Call GP. 

(f) no inclination to work.  Oh, that's pretty normal.   Small pieces, small pieces.   As in food, as in work.

(g)  compliments. I don't know why, but they're off-putting.  I'm not where i want to be, or even close yet.  So how bad must I have been before.  "Your face looks better"  Really.  How was it before?   Blob-like?  Blimp like?  Fright mask-like?  Please elaborate.    

(h)  problems in quasi-significant friendships.  Friend from high school doesn't write back.  Another friend is way too casual about important stuff-- I am clearly not important.    New almost-friend appears to be alienated.    (I know, with all this rage, who wouldn't love me, right?)  But you get it.   Stuff is messed up.  I'd like to feel  on a strong, positive roll, and all of this feels negative, and i'm not altogether proud of myself, and I'm not sure i can even manage to straighten it out, or, rather, should just move on.  Serenity prayer application is always a bitch. 

Best laid plans of mice and men gang aft aglay, etc., etc.

Even if  I'm not feeling good about anything, I'm not feeling terribly bad about anything either.

Other issues. . .

(i) Daughter worries.  I know this should be higher on the list, but nine year-olds  are still works in major progress.  She'll grow up.  Even if right now she doesn't look to be what i would wish her, she's fine and dandy and wonderful.  But there's nyc middle-school admissions to worry about, and

(j) my house is falling.  No really , it's falling.  Structurally problematic.  Cant seem to figure out how to fix it, or how to get someone to fix it, or how to pay for fix.  This is something that needs attention,but every time i try, nothing seems to address the problem.  Really, really frustrating.
Okay, so that's today's bitch fest.  I hope it did me some good.  And, if you're reading, I can't imagine  it did you any, so apologies all around.   Sooner or later i'll write something deep and insightful and charming.  But not today.

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