Two Thoughts-- Fear of Failure and Fear of Success

Oct 29, 2009

 I just like that title.  I have that to write about, and also food choice and exercise.

I will begin with the fact that I am having two major practical difficulties right now. The first is finding healthy foods that will go down my gullet.  The second is exercise. 

With regard to the first, I seem not be able to manage much by the way of food until dinnertime (usually).   I drink protein coffee, or just coffee with a lot of skim milk in the mornings.  I have soup for lunch, which probably is full of salt and doesn't have enough protein.  I then eat a reasonable dinner.  But I may also do things, as I did yesterday, like eating cheesecake for lunch.  Just because NOTHING ELSE WOULD GO DOWN.   Lunch is a problem.  

Reminders:  no bread before eating.  Sip warm liquid, and then try the healthy stuff.  What is managable?  I should try sliced turkey (but not with mayo?).  Spinach greens?    Fish is always good, but hard to come by at lunch.  Miso soup?  Sashimi works nicely, and even goes down.  Maybe a standing sashimi and soup order?   Tuna salad, last I tried, would not go down.  Hamburger is high in cholesterol, which is suddenly a problem for me.   I tend to cream soups, which have nothing good to recommend them.   A protein shake really will not do it. 

Second: exercise. There's walking, which i do.  But what about more strenuous stuff?  I don't seem to be able to make time for it, except, sometimes, on the weekends.  It's possible, that given how pressed for time I am these days, I should just give myself a pass until the middle school application process is over.  Also, there's the nagging pain in my lower abdomen--on the right, like a stitch.  It really hurts, and I have no idea what it is.  It does make exercise uncomfortable.  I have no idea of what to do, except to try to fit exercise in either at lunch, or late in the day.  And ignore the pain.  Neither is ideal.  Probably better just to walk more--walk to work and/or back. 

Finally, i want to talk a little about my doubts.  I have been losing extremely slowly--despite a minimal caloric intake.  I know my food choices haven't been ideal, but neither have they been abysmal.  I'm afraid that if I'm lucky, I'll lose another ten pounds, maybe, and that will be it.  That's not enough to make me happy.  I want to weigh about thirty below that.  And ideally about 50 below that (which wouldn't make me thin, BTW).  What if it doesn't work?  What if I get stuck at 200 pounds?  What if I can't do any better than i would on one of my stringent diets with exercise?  I think the answer must be to cross that bridge when I come to it.   It must be to work on the process, and hope the pounds will take care of themselves.  If can come up with a way of living/eating that suits me and isn't self-destructive, then--I hope--my weight will level off where it should be.  Maybe. 

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